Don't get married. I'd never get married again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look at your future FIL. That is who you will be married to in 20 years. Not in all cases, but often holds true.

This is often true. There are exceptions, but apples don't fall far from trees. Watch how a potential husband treats his mom too.

Mamas boys treat their mommies very well. Bingo!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Watch how they interact with babies/kids, old people, and animals. That will tell you what you need to know.

No, that’s fake and shallow as $hit in a pot. Play with a baby? pet a dog? Say hello to your grandma or buy her lots of stuff?

Anyone can play Disney dad for a visit. Even a single dude who never cleans up after himself or thinks child raising is women’s work.

Real truthfulness and caring is calling around for grandmas second opinion for a cardiovascular operation.
Or coaching their nieces soccer team each fall.
Or tidying up a relatives kitchen and room when walking by or hanging out. Or bringing them needed items, unasked.

Being proactive and not prompted is 1000x more mature than sitting around until another adult tells you to do something needed.

Consistency. They need to have it.

Does it say watch them one time with babies, dogs, and old people? NO. It means watch their behavior in these interactions over time that you are dating them and THAT will tell you what you need to know about a man.

So what.

Any narc can put on a show for a couple hours when they see a baby once in awhile. That tells you nothing.

Look at his family closely through spending time with them and investigating what kind of reputation they have. That is old fashioned advice that Arabs diligently follow, but it’s really helpful.

Anonymous wrote:Look at your future FIL. That is who you will be married to in 20 years. Not in all cases, but often holds true.

This is often true. There are exceptions, but apples don't fall far from trees. Watch how a potential husband treats his mom too.

Anonymous wrote:Be really clear on your intended roles. I'm one of those women who assumed because my ex was rational that he wouldn't be okay morally and ethically with me doing almost everything. I was wrong, and he never could answer me directly or in counselling why he thought I'd be okay with working slightly longer hours and doing 85% of everything else.

I agree with this -- clear on your intended roles and assuming that rationality means alignment. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that my now exH, who actually was the first to raise the issue of having kids and was fully on board with planning exactly when we would have them, would absolutely abandon all parenting to me. Why he thought that I would be OK with SAHMing and taking on all parental duties is beyond me. He basically left me holding the bag on the kids -- for over 2 decades now. His negligence destroyed many opportunities for me, and more importantly has been very hurtful for the kids.

Marry someone who is kind to you and supportive of your independence and achievement, has a demonstrated history of doing half of the work of your joint relationship and housekeeping and friendship ties, with whom you have had detailed discussions about life goals and dreams including whether either of you wants kids and how you envision raising them, disciplining them, paying for them and how you will split all the labor equitably.

Do not marry anyone who lies to you about even the smallest thing - neither lies of commission or omission. Do not marry someone who does not have a demonstrated history of purposeful, career-oriented work without significant gaps or firings.

Be very careful about marrying someone with demonstrated mental illness or substance abuse, himself or in the family - they should be diagnosed, seeing a psychiatrist, therapist and willing to take medication and exercise as well as being committed to limiting substance use. They should have a good understanding about how the mental illness and/or substance use has affected them and their family and friends, as well as how it will impact any future kids.

Be really clear on your intended roles. I'm one of those women who assumed because my ex was rational that he wouldn't be okay morally and ethically with me doing almost everything. I was wrong, and he never could answer me directly or in counselling why he thought I'd be okay with working slightly longer hours and doing 85% of everything else.

This is the most important choice you’ll ever make, so choose carefully.

Anonymous wrote:I only have sons but the main thing is to marry someone who also wants to work and is ambitious and is your equal in effort and is bringing an equal amount to the table. That’s the advice I give them that’s also suited to girls

Way to many variables for this to be blanket advice.

Also I am firm believer that no one really wants to work. Content to work, understanding a need to work, I am fine with. Wanting to work, very rarely. Its a means to an end.
Who cares if prospective spouse wants to work or not. I don't want to work, I need to work. Frequently it makes financial and/or scheduling sense for one partner to stay home. Similarly I am fine with the ambition of wanting enjoy life and explore the world. Ambition in career, don't really care. Very few people will remembered a generation after they are dead, once they retire they really will not be missed at work, your name ends up on a rock that no one pays attention to.

Find a good person that you can enjoy life with and carries the same value as you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Watch how they interact with babies/kids, old people, and animals. That will tell you what you need to know.

No, that’s fake and shallow as $hit in a pot. Play with a baby? pet a dog? Say hello to your grandma or buy her lots of stuff?

Anyone can play Disney dad for a visit. Even a single dude who never cleans up after himself or thinks child raising is women’s work.

Real truthfulness and caring is calling around for grandmas second opinion for a cardiovascular operation.
Or coaching their nieces soccer team each fall.
Or tidying up a relatives kitchen and room when walking by or hanging out. Or bringing them needed items, unasked.

Being proactive and not prompted is 1000x more mature than sitting around until another adult tells you to do something needed.

Consistency. They need to have it.

Does it say watch them one time with babies, dogs, and old people? NO. It means watch their behavior in these interactions over time that you are dating them and THAT will tell you what you need to know about a man.

You are responsible for your own happiness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't marry and addict (alcoholic, porn, gambling, religion, sex, etc.)
Don't marry someone with a bad credit rating.
Don't marry someone with mental health problems or comes from a dysfunctional family.
Don't marry someone who has been divorced or has kids.

Marry someone who is hard working, honest, loyal, kind and shares your interests.

All of this, especially never marry someone with substance abuse or mental health issues.

Also shared interests are not particularly important as long as both parties support the other’s interests.

All good. Don't let him rationalize that everyone does it crap. Many do it with the porn, or drinking a few every day....etc.