Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Couple of things:

I have an almost 16 year old, and I would not take a trip and leave them home alone. 16 seems like an adult when you have tiny kids: 16 is NOT an adult.

Nonsense. We have left my 16 yo alone for weekends without any issue. 16 is pretty much an adult- depending on the child, of course.

Anonymous wrote:

You’re responding to me and I disagree. I am disappointed in one of my parents who has spent most of his adult life focused solely on his needs and wants. He and his wife (my stepmom who does not have kids if her own) travel 5-10x/year for pleasure, own multiple homes, and could easily have visited us at any time. Or invited us on any of the many fancy trips they take. They have traveled to see us once in 15 years (after kids 1 was born for 2 days) and instead expect us to visit them at their convenience, which means traveling across the country and staying in a hotel because they don’t want us messing up their homes. They expect us to zoom with them at their schedule but never ours. They like the trappings of being a grandparent but do nothing to foster an emotional connection. I never expected them to take on the labor of caring for my kids, but I expected them to have some interest. They do not ,but expect us to show up for command performances (my dad’s bdays). I am really over it and I do have some contempt for how self absorbed they are and how limited emotionally and I am envious of people whose parents are loving and involved grandparents. I do not think that I needed to ask permission of my parents to have children and I get that there’s this dcum “expect nothing from others” attitude (which is a weird emotional variant on pull yourself up by the bootstraps) . I can still be disappointed by what a self involved parent and now grandparent I have and I also see that this is truly not the norm among my friends who have parents who actually enjoy being grandparents. It’s instilled in me the desire to be a loving and involved grandparent should I have the chance. You know, call on birthdays, visit, go to their plays, be interested in their lives and try to help adult children who are juggling it all.

I sense quite a bit of one-sidedness in your response. I would be willing to bet that your father might have a different take. And your stepmother quite another.

Why do you have the expectation that they should fund your family's trips? Why do you think there is something wrong if they choose to travel? Or have a second home? Didn't they work for that?

It is interesting that you state your father has "spent most of his adult life focused solely on his needs and wants." Perhaps that's true. But IMO it also sounds like something you were coached to believe. It is interesting that your focus on failing is solely on your father. Is it possible that they can feel the contempt you have for them? It is barely concealed in your post - I imagine your words, actions and body language also communicate that.

Is your mother still alive? Is she doing all the things you believe a grandmother can do?

+1

From the father and step mother's perspective, it must be frustrating and exasperating to have someone demanding "love me and my kids" while showing contempt at the same time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I haven’t had a trip just the two of us for 19 years! I do know lots of peol that send their kids to sleep away camp at 8 and then travel then. My youngest refuses to do sleep away camp so that never worked for us. I know someone else that says their nanny for this. I never wanted to do that.

But it’s really no big deal. Here are many solutions:
Go on a cruise or to a resort with kids clubs. I remember the first time we took a cruise and I took the kids to the kids club. My spouse was going to take a nap or something and I was like “let me be clear. The kids are all gone at this moment. If you want to have sex, now is the moment.” That had not occurred to him.
Get connecting rooms (Hilton!) or a two bedroom suite and put the kids on the other room.
Take your elderly MiL or mother on the trip and put the kids in the room with her. This also works really well if you want to be able to do things like have a fancy dinner with just the two of you, do something llle rock climbing, or go out to a late night show/dancing whatever. The key is to pay all expenses for MIL for trip — she will be happy to watch the kids while you go out!

Clearly your children run your life. You think your young child is in charge of if he attends sleep away camp!

Ignoring this, going away with your spouse provides just the couple to focus on each other for an extended period of time without interruptions. In a way that a separate hotel room at the Hilton does not. If you don’t understand the difference then you never will even with someone explaining to you why.

You’re responding to me and I disagree. I am disappointed in one of my parents who has spent most of his adult life focused solely on his needs and wants. He and his wife (my stepmom who does not have kids if her own) travel 5-10x/year for pleasure, own multiple homes, and could easily have visited us at any time. Or invited us on any of the many fancy trips they take. They have traveled to see us once in 15 years (after kids 1 was born for 2 days) and instead expect us to visit them at their convenience, which means traveling across the country and staying in a hotel because they don’t want us messing up their homes. They expect us to zoom with them at their schedule but never ours. They like the trappings of being a grandparent but do nothing to foster an emotional connection. I never expected them to take on the labor of caring for my kids, but I expected them to have some interest. They do not ,but expect us to show up for command performances (my dad’s bdays). I am really over it and I do have some contempt for how self absorbed they are and how limited emotionally and I am envious of people whose parents are loving and involved grandparents. I do not think that I needed to ask permission of my parents to have children and I get that there’s this dcum “expect nothing from others” attitude (which is a weird emotional variant on pull yourself up by the bootstraps) . I can still be disappointed by what a self involved parent and now grandparent I have and I also see that this is truly not the norm among my friends who have parents who actually enjoy being grandparents. It’s instilled in me the desire to be a loving and involved grandparent should I have the chance. You know, call on birthdays, visit, go to their plays, be interested in their lives and try to help adult children who are juggling it all.

I sense quite a bit of one-sidedness in your response. I would be willing to bet that your father might have a different take. And your stepmother quite another.

Why do you have the expectation that they should fund your family's trips? Why do you think there is something wrong if they choose to travel? Or have a second home? Didn't they work for that?

It is interesting that you state your father has "spent most of his adult life focused solely on his needs and wants." Perhaps that's true. But IMO it also sounds like something you were coached to believe. It is interesting that your focus on failing is solely on your father. Is it possible that they can feel the contempt you have for them? It is barely concealed in your post - I imagine your words, actions and body language also communicate that.

Is your mother still alive? Is she doing all the things you believe a grandmother can do?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You’re responding to me and I disagree. I am disappointed in one of my parents who has spent most of his adult life focused solely on his needs and wants. He and his wife (my stepmom who does not have kids if her own) travel 5-10x/year for pleasure, own multiple homes, and could easily have visited us at any time. Or invited us on any of the many fancy trips they take. They have traveled to see us once in 15 years (after kids 1 was born for 2 days) and instead expect us to visit them at their convenience, which means traveling across the country and staying in a hotel because they don’t want us messing up their homes. They expect us to zoom with them at their schedule but never ours. They like the trappings of being a grandparent but do nothing to foster an emotional connection. I never expected them to take on the labor of caring for my kids, but I expected them to have some interest. They do not ,but expect us to show up for command performances (my dad’s bdays). I am really over it and I do have some contempt for how self absorbed they are and how limited emotionally and I am envious of people whose parents are loving and involved grandparents. I do not think that I needed to ask permission of my parents to have children and I get that there’s this dcum “expect nothing from others” attitude (which is a weird emotional variant on pull yourself up by the bootstraps) . I can still be disappointed by what a self involved parent and now grandparent I have and I also see that this is truly not the norm among my friends who have parents who actually enjoy being grandparents. It’s instilled in me the desire to be a loving and involved grandparent should I have the chance. You know, call on birthdays, visit, go to their plays, be interested in their lives and try to help adult children who are juggling it all.

I sense quite a bit of one-sidedness in your response. I would be willing to bet that your father might have a different take. And your stepmother quite another.

Why do you have the expectation that they should fund your family's trips? Why do you think there is something wrong if they choose to travel? Or have a second home? Didn't they work for that?

It is interesting that you state your father has "spent most of his adult life focused solely on his needs and wants." Perhaps that's true. But IMO it also sounds like something you were coached to believe. It is interesting that your focus on failing is solely on your father. Is it possible that they can feel the contempt you have for them? It is barely concealed in your post - I imagine your words, actions and body language also communicate that.

Is your mother still alive? Is she doing all the things you believe a grandmother can do?

+1

From the father and step mother's perspective, it must be frustrating and exasperating to have someone demanding "love me and my kids" while showing contempt at the same time.