Anonymous wrote:We bought my alcoholic, broke father a condo in a senior retirement village and furnished it with Salvation Army furniture.

He was able to pay the maintenance and groceries and utilities.

When he died we sold it at a profit.

Have not read entire thread but saw this on first page.

OP, any chance you and siblings could do this? So sorry for the difficult situation.

Hello, haven't read this whole thread but just wanted to throw in an out-of-the-box suggestion. I am looking into retiring in Mexico, and I happen to know that it is entirely possible to rent a great apartment in a safe, senior friendly area for between $400 to $600 per month or even less like 300. It is probably too far to consider but lots of Americans are doing it and are pretty happy. If they happen to need assisted living, that can be had for $2,000 or so per month. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

NP in a similar situation to OP. The thing is, with finite resources, it becomes a choice: the next generation or the previous one? Do I support my parent, or do I set my kids up as best as possible for what is almost certainly going to be a much harder, more expensive, less certain future? What if one of the kids has health issues and needs lifelong access to medication? Is it okay to not support mom then? Am I looking backward or forward?

I hate being in this situation. Hate it.

It's arguably even more complicated when it's your inlaws, and your spouse is inclined to support them over your children. I also hate being in this situation. I could see it ruining some marriages.

Yes. Look, my parents were working class and fairly frugal with their money. I appreciated DH telling me “spare nothing” with them even though I don’t think he fully understood how expensive that would be. I was able to get both of them on Medicaid LTC. They were lucky to live in a small city where there was a wonderful nonprofit nursing home, so the care was quite good.

My ILs lived a very comfortable UMC life and still do. Given the latter, there is a great possibility we may end up paying for them at some point as they blew through a lot of their funds over a two-decade span. They have very good LTC insurance and that will help. We are fortunate that helping them will not necessarily penalize our kids. But it does irk me that my MiL occasionally made snide comments about my parents’ finances and now we may be helping her because she didn’t pay enough attention to her own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get her on more public benefits. Call your Area Agency on Aging. This kind of thing is their bread and butter and they may have ideas for you to get her more non-family support.

This. She will have groceries and medical care and a roof over her head, the rest is her problem.

Why do so many people think there are abundant resources provided to care for seniors? Seniors 50+ are the faster growing segment of the unhoused population. While a few jurisdictions have good programs, they are the exception rather than the rule. And any reliance on federal dollars needs to be carefully considered in the current climate.

https://endhomelessness.org/blog/paint-by-numbers-older-americans-and-homelessness/#:~:text=The%20percentage%20of%20single%20adults,50%20percent%20in%20the%202020s.

All my rich IT friends in silicon valley have their immigrant parents in subsidized housing, getting SSI and food stamps and free medical care

Seriously? Is this a CA thing?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

No one can destroy your life more than a toxic family member.

My dad has six adult children and two adult grandchildren, but none of us are willing to take him into our homes permanently.

Asian cultures, which cherish their elders, put us to shame. The modern U.S. is such a selfish society.

OMG. This is such BS. I cannot tell you how many Asian friends and acquaintances resent taking in parents who are often demanding and high maintenance.

You don't get to act all high and mighty about Asian cultures cherishing their elders, because it comes with a lot of darkness. But continue with your fantasy of your children waiting on you hand and foot.

This 1000%!!!!!

While it's expected, it typically comes with an attitude. Many asians who take in their parents/IL end up with miserable marriages (except for those who were in an arranged marriage--becuase they already gave up choices and just go along with the societal expectations---but others do feel the pressure)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

No one can destroy your life more than a toxic family member.

My dad has six adult children and two adult grandchildren, but none of us are willing to take him into our homes permanently.

Asian cultures, which cherish their elders, put us to shame. The modern U.S. is such a selfish society.

OMG. This is such BS. I cannot tell you how many Asian friends and acquaintances resent taking in parents who are often demanding and high maintenance.

You don't get to act all high and mighty about Asian cultures cherishing their elders, because it comes with a lot of darkness. But continue with your fantasy of your children waiting on you hand and foot.

+1

East Asian immigration here. I would say the mentioned practices of living with and serving demanding parents/in-laws or resenting to living with them are extreme. Most families are somewhere in between. It’s becoming less and less common to live together as living conditions are getting better, women have more say in the family, and more awareness about the tensions caused by different generations living together. Nowadays they live in different apts and sometimes different cities, but they definitely maintain a closer tie than families here in the states. We still value supporting elders and generally think taking care of them is family’s responsibility rather than the society’s. In the case of elder care of abusive parents, some would cut ties with them, but I believe many would still provide some level of financial support but no emotional support. It’s just the culture, social pressure and conscience. Caring for elders is an important part of upbringing and education from school, too. I feel people who made comments about Asian practices either have not lived there before or lived there very long time ago. It’s different now.

When I initially read op’s question, I was thinking she should offer small amount of financial support. But after seeing all the comments, I realized the culture is quite different. No judgement, just observations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Legally, the law doesn't allow us to completely abandon our parents in their old age. The doesn't obligate us to a lot but we can't 100% walk away.

wrong. Don't post if you don't know what you are talking about. It's irresponsible.

You might want to actually familiarize yourself with family law before you open your yap. It’s state specific, but in many states, PP is 100% correct. Google “filial responsibility laws” and you’ll look less foolish.

Federal law prohibits states from considering the financial responsibility of any person other than a spouse when determining eligibility for needs-based government programs like Medicaid. Finial responsibility is RARELY enforced because of Federal laws.

I wonder whether filial laws will be enforced under the current administration.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

No one can destroy your life more than a toxic family member.

My dad has six adult children and two adult grandchildren, but none of us are willing to take him into our homes permanently.

Asian cultures, which cherish their elders, put us to shame. The modern U.S. is such a selfish society.

OMG. This is such BS. I cannot tell you how many Asian friends and acquaintances resent taking in parents who are often demanding and high maintenance.

You don't get to act all high and mighty about Asian cultures cherishing their elders, because it comes with a lot of darkness. But continue with your fantasy of your children waiting on you hand and foot.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

No one can destroy your life more than a toxic family member.

My dad has six adult children and two adult grandchildren, but none of us are willing to take him into our homes permanently.

Asian cultures, which cherish their elders, put us to shame. The modern U.S. is such a selfish society.

Well, maybe I personally wouldn't be so selfish if my mother hadn't abused me and allowed multiple stepfathers to do so as well -- right in front of her. To the extent that I now have PTSD that literally makes living torture a lot of the time.

Take your ignorant racist fetishization elsewhere.

Agreed!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.

NP in a similar situation to OP. The thing is, with finite resources, it becomes a choice: the next generation or the previous one? Do I support my parent, or do I set my kids up as best as possible for what is almost certainly going to be a much harder, more expensive, less certain future? What if one of the kids has health issues and needs lifelong access to medication? Is it okay to not support mom then? Am I looking backward or forward?

I hate being in this situation. Hate it.

It's arguably even more complicated when it's your inlaws, and your spouse is inclined to support them over your children. I also hate being in this situation. I could see it ruining some marriages.