Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outsourcing. Most people have a few of the following, as needed:
After care and camp
Au pair
Full time nanny
Full time or part time housekeeper
Lots of car pools
Gardener and/ or lawn guy
Family manager who makes appointments and meets the repair guy and does camp signups and vacation planning
Meal prepping service
Tutor to help the kids with studying and homework

I don't think *most* people with kids in my DCPS elementary school have a few of these. Many families do have parents who stagger schedules or use the school's after care.

Once they hit middle school they can take Metro to their activities in their own or do the activities offered at the school.

Elementary school didn't have homework. In middle school they get some time to do it at school but can manage the rest at home.

Talking to other middle school parents, many of us have found that it was easier to use aftercare in elementary school but more useful to have a parent around more after school when they're older. Anyone can handle basic elementary school challenges, but middle school friend dynamics are more complicated and the teen brain wants to take different kinds of risks.

No.
Not in DC at least, and not currently. Maybe in some other city or in a different time.

Weird comment. I'm not sure why you're writing off what my kids and their classmates do all school year.

OP, you got housing & schooling paid for overseas and trips home too. Which means you should have some savings. Now is the time to use some of those savings to help ease your way back into the job market in DC - by outsourcing help. Having been a State Dept spouse, the benefits you get while overseas are amazing and they are amazing for a reason - you are supposed the plan ahead for your family's eventual return to DC (or at least some stints). Maybe not a very helpful comment but I am finding it hard to sympathize with FS families complaining how hard it is to be in DC...

2 full time feds in the middle career years with 3 young kids:

- most meals are easily made from Trader Joe's or similar, like pasta and frozen broccoli or microwaved rice and beans. Lots of fresh fruit and veggies on hand at all times. I rarely cook,; DH or I cook maybe 1 to 3 times a week.
- DH and I alternate working from home as much as possible. This typically ends up with me teleworking as much as possible since my agency is more flexible.
- I almost never work a full 40 hour week. I basically use my annual and sick leave as I earn them. It's just what I have to do.
- we have avoided after care as much as possible, because with 3 kids it's a huge expense. Instead we staunchly stick to a flexible/shorter workday schedule as needed. Thank goodness I have a supportive workplace.
- We can't keep up financially in this period while the youngest is still in daycare. As much as I hate debt, I have come to accept this period as an investment. Thankfully soon all 3 will be in elementary school, and that's $2,000+ back in my pocket, not to mention the extra time and expenses related to commuting to multiple schools.
- we did some private extra curriculars until they felt like scams. Unless you have thousands of extra dollars a month, there's no need for these. Sign up for community run or free activities.


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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I “do it all” with a full time job and 3 kids by being shitty at all of it and feeling guilty about it, and then smiling and laughing when others politely ask “how do you do it all.”

I like you.

I think most people struggle to do it all regardless of the type of job they have, the type of kids they have, the type of spouse they have. You can’t compare yourself to other people. Everyone has a different set of circumstances that they are working with…you do the best you can. Assuming everything else is equal, someone with a trust fund and a flexible job and involved grandparents plus a nanny is going to be able to handle the demands of three kids better than someone who has none of that support.

Anonymous wrote:I “do it all” with a full time job and 3 kids by being shitty at all of it and feeling guilty about it, and then smiling and laughing when others politely ask “how do you do it all.”

I like you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it's pretty grueling to both work full-time and have young kids. Especially if your DH is "not flexible" (and I bet he loves for you to believe that!). You gotta have some real talk with him-- if you're going to work, he's going to have to assert himself and claim more flexibility at work, as well as pick up a LOT more of the domestic load evenings and weekends. If he's not wanting to do this, then he's going to have to accept living mostly on his income. He can't have the income of a working wife and the convenience of a SAHM at the same time.

Are you wanting a job for your own career plans, or for the money, or does he want you to work and you don't?

Take this heart OP. I’m a working mom so haven’t experienced it first hand, but I have seen some SAH or PT working friends who have tried to ramp up once kids are in school. The dads get dollar signs in their eyes thinking about their wife taking on this new role of bringing home income. But they forget about the part where mom taking on more outside of the house = dad taking on more inside the home. So make very clear that it is not just your life changing, but his as well. It has to be a joint commitment to being a dual income household.

DH and I have been doing the dual income with kids thing for almost a decade now. He does doctors and dentist apartments, sick days, laundry, grocery shopping, etc. I know that if our situation ever did change where I could/wanted to SAH he would fully grasp the load I would take off his plate. I don’t think guys who have always had a SAH spouse appreciate the invisible things that are done for them.

I have nothing to add here, I just think it's such an important point that it bears repeating. Especially this last part.

Military people are too used to unlimited money to achieve efficiency and order above all. Just don't bother doing anything that makes your life more different than before. They've been trained to think order is of upmost importance. They won't understand a life of partially finished tasks all the time. It's just easier to live in a smaller house with less to do and more structure and ease.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:50% of my income goes towards nanny salary/cleaning help, makes sense for me so I don’t lose out on earnings potential if I stopped working or moved into a less intense job/field.

Daughter goes to DCPS (free), nanny drives to activities, does dinner when I get home late (sometimes 7-8). I do have some flexibility — wfh Mondays and Fridays — but generally have about 3 intense days a week.

For sick days, holidays we have nanny help. I am able to plan other annual checkups/dentists etc when I am Wfh

How many hours per day do you see your kid?

After the are in school as much as you do.

Depends how old your kids are. Mine are mid to upper elementary. Each parent working from home a couple days a week is key. If both parents can't, then at least one parent. We use after care to bridge the gap from school dismissal at 3 pm to when activities start around 4:30 or 5. The parent working from home picks up the kids and takes them to the activity and picks them up after. The parent in the office gets home around 5:45 or 6 and has dinner on the table by 6:30. Sometimes this means dinner is very simple, like frittata and salad, or pasta and shrimp. Fish and chicken also cook up quickly. At this point I have refined my repertoire of things I can get on the table in 30-40 mins. I like cooking more involved dishes but save those for Friday or weekend nights.

When the kids were very little, in day care, and DH and I both worked in the office 5 days a week, we'd stagger schedules slightly so I went in earlier and got home earlier to make dinner. But sometimes I cooked dinner the night before so we could reheat. It's hard. I don't miss those days at all.

If you can't work from home, then not having too long a commute is also key. My commute is 45 mins on a good day and an hour on a bad day - and that is from a close-in MD suburb to downtown, via metro. Fortunately I am now in the office only 2 days a week and home 3 days a week which makes everything much easier. We also do about half the kids' activities on weekend mornings, because there just isn't enough time to do them all after school (especially since the kids have different interests - much easier if you can get them into the same activities at the same time). And as homework picks up they need to do fewer weeknight activities.

Anonymous wrote:I “do it all” with a full time job and 3 kids by being shitty at all of it and feeling guilty about it, and then smiling and laughing when others politely ask “how do you do it all.”

Yep

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The answer is many of us see the writing on the wall and either take a step back, change careers, or work extra hard to get to a position where we can be flexible.

Yes I now see I have to prioritize flexibility or work from home. It may take longer to find something like that but sounds like it would be worth it. Everyone was so helpful on this- I really appreciate it! It honestly made me feel better about moving back.

OP, everyone wants a remote job. You need to start networking. I fully admit that I got mine due to being lucky and having a second degree connection.

State employee here. It may not make financial sense for you to work. You need to crunch the numbers. You may want to reach our to the folks that support EFMs to see if they can help you with job placement. See if FSI's transition center has any support.

In terms of how I do it with two working parents: my house is a mess, we get take out, my kids take Uber and carpool.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outsourcing. Most people have a few of the following, as needed:
After care and camp
Au pair
Full time nanny
Full time or part time housekeeper
Lots of car pools
Gardener and/ or lawn guy
Family manager who makes appointments and meets the repair guy and does camp signups and vacation planning
Meal prepping service
Tutor to help the kids with studying and homework

I don't think *most* people with kids in my DCPS elementary school have a few of these. Many families do have parents who stagger schedules or use the school's after care.

Once they hit middle school they can take Metro to their activities in their own or do the activities offered at the school.

Elementary school didn't have homework. In middle school they get some time to do it at school but can manage the rest at home.

Talking to other middle school parents, many of us have found that it was easier to use aftercare in elementary school but more useful to have a parent around more after school when they're older. Anyone can handle basic elementary school challenges, but middle school friend dynamics are more complicated and the teen brain wants to take different kinds of risks.

No.
Not in DC at least, and not currently. Maybe in some other city or in a different time.

I “do it all” with a full time job and 3 kids by being shitty at all of it and feeling guilty about it, and then smiling and laughing when others politely ask “how do you do it all.”

Anonymous wrote:Outsourcing. Most people have a few of the following, as needed:
After care and camp
Au pair
Full time nanny
Full time or part time housekeeper
Lots of car pools
Gardener and/ or lawn guy
Family manager who makes appointments and meets the repair guy and does camp signups and vacation planning
Meal prepping service
Tutor to help the kids with studying and homework

I don't think *most* people with kids in my DCPS elementary school have a few of these. Many families do have parents who stagger schedules or use the school's after care.

Once they hit middle school they can take Metro to their activities in their own or do the activities offered at the school.

Elementary school didn't have homework. In middle school they get some time to do it at school but can manage the rest at home.

Talking to other middle school parents, many of us have found that it was easier to use aftercare in elementary school but more useful to have a parent around more after school when they're older. Anyone can handle basic elementary school challenges, but middle school friend dynamics are more complicated and the teen brain wants to take different kinds of risks.