Anonymous wrote:It is not odd.

We have several properties in Aspen, Hamptons, SF, and NYC. Our primary is MD.

Hard no for friends without us. Not friends and not siblings, or cousins etc no one.

The only time I let someone do this was after a loss of a child.

You are a troll. The give away (amongst all the other nonsense) was the last line. But to OP, I’ll play. It sounds like they are good friends and it is the first time they are asking, so I’m not sure why you don’t just agree to it? You have an excuse if they ask again, which is to say it’s rented. We have a house that we don’t rent. My aunt and her friends stay there for free for one week every summer. And they are so grateful and take great care of the house. And my sibling/parents go there whenever they want. I would have no problem with a friend going there for a weekend. Not lots of friends, or frequently, but a one off - sure. It sounds like you need to the money to pay for the house/rent it out so maybe it feels like they are asking for a handout?

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Anonymous wrote:So many people on DCUM just assume that others have bad intentions, including their close friends. That's weird to me. It's clear that OP doesn't want to let her friends stay there because she perceives that they're asking for a monetary gift (which I don't see, but whatever), and will dig her heels in farther and farther any time there is pushback. So you do you, OP. I think it will be awkward this way, but you seem prepared to deal with that.

I think the friends made it awkward.

+1 Same. You can tell who does not own a second home, by their responses. For instance, cleaning fees alone, during season are about $500. (no, I won't divulge where). This may be difficult for non-owners to grasp, especially since some people are of the "Robin Hood" mindset. It beats paying full rental price, but takers don't see it that way.

We get it. We have second homes. We just don't mind paying a few hundred dollars for our friends to use our house. You do you.

You don't get it, because it is well over a thousand dollars not a few hundred dollars (by the time you pay the professional cleaning company plus professional caretaker for their visits, etc.). It is not some podunk town, it is on the beach. So no, you don't get it.

My house is at the beach, dimwit. You were discussing a $500 cleaning fee, which is what I responded to. I get paying for water, electric, caretaker, etc. It doesn't sound like you have a lot of friends so I doubt you get asked to use your house much anyway.

We actually have a few nice circles of friends and family, but they have their own beach houses so they are not leaches who have to resort to name calling (if they don't get to use their friends beach house). Ahem.

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Anonymous wrote:So many people on DCUM just assume that others have bad intentions, including their close friends. That's weird to me. It's clear that OP doesn't want to let her friends stay there because she perceives that they're asking for a monetary gift (which I don't see, but whatever), and will dig her heels in farther and farther any time there is pushback. So you do you, OP. I think it will be awkward this way, but you seem prepared to deal with that.

I think the friends made it awkward.

+1 Same. You can tell who does not own a second home, by their responses. For instance, cleaning fees alone, during season are about $500. (no, I won't divulge where). This may be difficult for non-owners to grasp, especially since some people are of the "Robin Hood" mindset. It beats paying full rental price, but takers don't see it that way.

We get it. We have second homes. We just don't mind paying a few hundred dollars for our friends to use our house. You do you.

You don't get it, because it is well over a thousand dollars not a few hundred dollars (by the time you pay the professional cleaning company plus professional caretaker for their visits, etc.). It is not some podunk town, it is on the beach. So no, you don't get it.

My house is at the beach, dimwit. You were discussing a $500 cleaning fee, which is what I responded to. I get paying for water, electric, caretaker, etc. It doesn't sound like you have a lot of friends so I doubt you get asked to use your house much anyway.

Why not just say that other than the weekends you had scheduled for personal use, you need to leave it open for rental as per your usual practices, because that’s how you finance it.

SHE can’t bear to be the “bad guy.”

Interesting.

We have a second home in a very popular i international vacation destination. We have let some very good friends stay there for free but the third time we let friends they treated our house so poorly, broke things and left it filthy that we will never allow anyone to use it again.

People have different definitions of clean and theories on who should pay when something breaks. My DH was absolutely livid with the third family and we did speak to them about it and they just were like c’est la vie. It ruined the friendship.

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Anonymous wrote:So many people on DCUM just assume that others have bad intentions, including their close friends. That's weird to me. It's clear that OP doesn't want to let her friends stay there because she perceives that they're asking for a monetary gift (which I don't see, but whatever), and will dig her heels in farther and farther any time there is pushback. So you do you, OP. I think it will be awkward this way, but you seem prepared to deal with that.

I think the friends made it awkward.

+1 Same. You can tell who does not own a second home, by their responses. For instance, cleaning fees alone, during season are about $500. (no, I won't divulge where). This may be difficult for non-owners to grasp, especially since some people are of the "Robin Hood" mindset. It beats paying full rental price, but takers don't see it that way.

We get it. We have second homes. We just don't mind paying a few hundred dollars for our friends to use our house. You do you.

You don't get it, because it is well over a thousand dollars not a few hundred dollars (by the time you pay the professional cleaning company plus professional caretaker for their visits, etc.). It is not some podunk town, it is on the beach. So no, you don't get it.

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Anonymous wrote:So many people on DCUM just assume that others have bad intentions, including their close friends. That's weird to me. It's clear that OP doesn't want to let her friends stay there because she perceives that they're asking for a monetary gift (which I don't see, but whatever), and will dig her heels in farther and farther any time there is pushback. So you do you, OP. I think it will be awkward this way, but you seem prepared to deal with that.

Yeah, I can only think they must not have very good friends. It would never occur to me that my friends only like my second home, not me.

And maybe the problem is with the word "friend." Are we really talking more about acquaintances? For what it's worth, we wouldn't let our in-laws stay at our house without us because my SIL and BIL and their four kids are disrespectful and rude and we wouldn't trust them to use anything of ours, much less a house. But our good friends are fine. "Friends" as in people we know but don't spend time with, I'd have to think about it.

Same. We did actually let one extended family visit our beach house when we were not there, because they were close friends of the family. That family would not take advantage, or have an attitude about it. But people we know but don't spend time with? I probably would not.

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Anonymous wrote:So many people on DCUM just assume that others have bad intentions, including their close friends. That's weird to me. It's clear that OP doesn't want to let her friends stay there because she perceives that they're asking for a monetary gift (which I don't see, but whatever), and will dig her heels in farther and farther any time there is pushback. So you do you, OP. I think it will be awkward this way, but you seem prepared to deal with that.

I think the friends made it awkward.

+1 Same. You can tell who does not own a second home, by their responses. For instance, cleaning fees alone, during season are about $500. (no, I won't divulge where). This may be difficult for non-owners to grasp, especially since some people are of the "Robin Hood" mindset. It beats paying full rental price, but takers don't see it that way.

We get it. We have second homes. We just don't mind paying a few hundred dollars for our friends to use our house. You do you.

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Anonymous wrote:I would say no. It’s weird and entitled for them to ask, particularly if not accompanied by an offer to pay.

I agree! Extremely entitled. They had the gall to ask, and you can say no. “I’m sorry, it’s closed up for the season!”

You guys have to be the cheapest group of people I've ever seen. You have the house. You are paying for it. Will it kill you if your kindly say yes? I am so glad I have more generous friends than you. Sometimes we want to borrow things from our friends. I feel like it's the least I can do for good friends.

Sure. What do you lend to your friends?

People around her have such a strange definition of "friendship". I suppose the one with the second house is expected to pick up the tab when you go out, too? How do you think people get their second homes, by blowing their money? You seem to have an extremely tiny world view. I don't expect anyone with a second home to let me have free reign. That would be absurd and unrealistic. But I am guessing you already know that, and are on some odd campaign.

Except that many people are saying they do this, so no, you aren't right, and it isn't absurd and unrealistic, it's just not something you do.

Anonymous wrote:It is totally unreasonable for them to ask. If I regularly give a person a ride in my car then I have plans to go out of town for a couple of weeks , it isn’t reasonable the person asks to borrow my car. They can go get a rental car.

Your house is an asset and you can rent it for probably $1000 for a spring weekend. Friends wouldn’t ask for a $1000 so why do they think it is ok to use something worth $1000.

It is a slippery slope. Once you say yes these friends will continue to pester you. Just say it is being rented off the books 📚 n case they can see the online schedule of when it is rented through a booking agency.

Disagree. It’s not wrong for a person to ask for anything. You and OP think it’s wrong because you can’t manage your feelings around the ask. This board has post after post about it. You can simply say no. It’s up to you to manage your feelings, and if you have anger issues around it, or feel uncomfortable about it, that’s really on you.

Case in point: OP clearly wants to say no, but she’s created a ton of drama about it and is asking people if her friends are the “bad guys” because SHE can’t bear to be the “bad guy.” Which is silly because her friends may not think that, and if they do, then it’s their problem.

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Anonymous wrote:So many people on DCUM just assume that others have bad intentions, including their close friends. That's weird to me. It's clear that OP doesn't want to let her friends stay there because she perceives that they're asking for a monetary gift (which I don't see, but whatever), and will dig her heels in farther and farther any time there is pushback. So you do you, OP. I think it will be awkward this way, but you seem prepared to deal with that.

Yeah, I can only think they must not have very good friends. It would never occur to me that my friends only like my second home, not me.

And maybe the problem is with the word "friend." Are we really talking more about acquaintances? For what it's worth, we wouldn't let our in-laws stay at our house without us because my SIL and BIL and their four kids are disrespectful and rude and we wouldn't trust them to use anything of ours, much less a house. But our good friends are fine. "Friends" as in people we know but don't spend time with, I'd have to think about it.

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Anonymous wrote:We have a second home at a golf/ski resort that we rent out when we're not there. We regularly have friends or family join us while we're there, and we treat them like guests. If they ever asked for the use of the home while we're not there, I would actually feel rather taken advantage of and might even be less likely to invite them in the future because it would feel like they were coming to spend time at the house rather than spend time with us. I hope no one ever asks!

I'm the OP. This is exactly how I feel.

+2. Well said.

I don't feel that way. Of course I love spending time with my friends but it's not always convenient for us to be on vacation at the same time. As a result, if they are free but it's not a good time for us, I wouldn't be offended that they wanted to stay at our second home without us. Of course, if that meant they then never went when we were there that would be odd. But if there's a good time for them that doesn't work for us every once in a while, I wouldn't feel taken advantage of.

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Anonymous wrote:It is totally unreasonable for them to ask. If I regularly give a person a ride in my car then I have plans to go out of town for a couple of weeks , it isn’t reasonable the person asks to borrow my car. They can go get a rental car.

Your house is an asset and you can rent it for probably $1000 for a spring weekend. Friends wouldn’t ask for a $1000 so why do they think it is ok to use something worth $1000.

It is a slippery slope. Once you say yes these friends will continue to pester you. Just say it is being rented off the books 📚 n case they can see the online schedule of when it is rented through a booking agency.

this is really good advice, thank you.
I think some ppl just assume being someone has a second home, they can afford that 1000 hit. These ppl know us well enough to know we cannot. Although we enjoy it, often with them, it is a business, and someone must pay the utilities, cable, internet, etc.
I suppose that's why it feels funny to us.
It could also be booked at the last minute, and has before.

Actually, it's not good advice to lie to your friends...

DP here. If you were the one that owned the second home, you would feel differently. I completely agree that people see those who own a second home as "rich" or able to take the monatery hit - to "treat" others (at others discretion, of course!). Who doesn't like trying to spend other people's money? I distance myself from those types, because they are exactly as clueless as you would expect.

I do own a second home. At the beach. I let people stay there for free but I also have no problem saying no if it doesn't work for whatever reason. But I don't lie to my friends. And they don't take advantage of us. A lot of them have second homes elsewhere that we have stayed at. We just don't go tit for tat about it all.

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Anonymous wrote:I think ppl aren’t understanding the question I originally asked.
Why does this feel odd to me?! Like we’re being asked to give them something that has monetary value. I would never ask this of someone. I don’t know why. We’re pretty good friends.

POTENTIAL monetary value. It may get booked at the last minute or it may not. If you need the money then just say that.

DP here. It is no one's business if it gets rented out or not - that is the point. If it gets rented out last minute, great - but plan your own vacation, don't plan to use my house.

We don't keep an updated calendar, because there are too many looky loos, and it is none of their business. I actually know people who rent out their second and third houses off record, for this reason.

The posts of those who do not have second homes are obvious, BTW.

I do have a second home and I'm the PP. So there goes your theory.