Anonymous
03/01/2024 13:14
Subject: Re:We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:There are plenty of dads of young children at his salary level that get their work done in a way that allows them to be a contributing partner at home.
Oh I wasn't saying it can't be done. I'm saying OP's DH is presenting this as a fait accompli; his hours are inflexible, his workouts are a priority, therefore she's gotta handle it all. OK. Well, but it seems he's also expecting her to do everything for these kids. There's a name for that: it's a SAHM. As long as he wants OP to have a job, and he wants nothing to change for him, that means they outsource. And on $270K combined salary in this area, that's either tricky or impossible while also paying for daycare. So. He wants his job to be the only contribution (and frankly to have this 1955 arrangement)? Time to bring in more money dude.
Now of course the easier, more equitable, healthier, and better-choice-as-a-father choice, is him actually participating in the family he created and working with his wife to help life move forward. But that's "impossible" because he's so "thorough", can't "multi-task", etc.
It's BS. And yes I sound annoyed. As another PP pointed out, DH is running quite the con, and OP sounds like she's genuinely struggling. I think that sucks.
I posted before that I now stay home but used to be in a similar situation. I actually also worked in finance and kept cutting down. At the end, I was doing more accounting and budgeting for flexibility, which is far different than more glamorous finance jobs in nyc.
In OP’s situation, I think her DH should try to get a higher paying job. 170 is pretty low. I made more than that fresh out of grad school 20 years ago. If he isn’t helping much around the house, he should at least earn more to get you more paid help.
In my house, I told Dh to go hard in his career and he did. He doesn’t worry about pick up or drop off or getting a kid to dance or soccer. I don’t get mad at him for never going grocery shopping or buying a birthday gift. I stopped working when he earned 800k. He now earns $2-3m.
I mean, this is disgusting and a terrible thing to model to both sons and daughters. But you do you.
To add, you do you but please don’t recommend it to others who may not understand the implications.
NP. I think that PP sounds absolutely insufferable but to be fair, at least her family prioritized having ONE parent act like the kids matter to them. Everyone else is suggesting that OP and her husband BOTH outsource parenting as much as possible.
I think you are calling me insufferable. DH helps out most days with driving. OP’s kids are still younger. My kids are older and we have 2-3 kid activities per day. He helps with at least one kid everyday. He may pick up a kid on his way home from work or come home and take my daughter to dance. What he does not have to do is leave work by 4 or 430 and be in traffic being stressed on whether he is going to make it on time to pick up our kid from school at 4:30. I used to have to pick up two kids from two different places and it was very stressful for me.
We often have conflicts and we carpool. We have 3 kids and even with one who stayed home, we have conflicts. Before people say we are over scheduled, you don’t always get to pick your practice time or if there is a match or game. If your kid is on an academic team, there are practices, they may stay after school or need to go to a partner’s home. My kids are all also very social and we are the hang out house. I often host play dates and hang outs and drive kids and friends.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 13:08
Subject: Re:We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP how much money do ya’ll actually need? You should have savings after his previous massive salary. I would consider taking a break from work for awhile in your shoes. 170K should be plenty fir your family to live on. Everyone should be happier if you do it right. Life is too short to be thus stressed.
+1. I wish people realized how short life really is, at least that part of it when you are physically and mentally able to function.
Exactly you can go hard for 6 years, which is a blip on the radar of you and your kids’ lives. Then ride the easy street with 2 flexible incomes.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 13:03
Subject: We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He needs to do more. Even if he is gone when dinner has to be cooked, he can cook chili or a meal like that on Sunday to be eaten Monday, etc.
It is ridiculous that you do all pickup drop off cooking dinner. It is not fair
He needs to do more or hire someone
Yes. Spare me the he works 40+ hours bull id he has time to workout every morning he has time to throw something in the crockpot or pack lunches. He just doesn't think he has to
+1. He needs to take over morning drop offs. He’s being lazy. What’s his job? $170k doesn’t seem like very much for 40-50 hours a week.
Anyone who is on here saying 170K isn’t a great salary is a spoiled princess living in a tiny bubble, and incredibly stupid to boot. Any family who can’t make it work with a single earner 170k household income is headed by morons who are clearly overpaid.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 12:57
Subject: Re:We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:There are plenty of dads of young children at his salary level that get their work done in a way that allows them to be a contributing partner at home.
Oh I wasn't saying it can't be done. I'm saying OP's DH is presenting this as a fait accompli; his hours are inflexible, his workouts are a priority, therefore she's gotta handle it all. OK. Well, but it seems he's also expecting her to do everything for these kids. There's a name for that: it's a SAHM. As long as he wants OP to have a job, and he wants nothing to change for him, that means they outsource. And on $270K combined salary in this area, that's either tricky or impossible while also paying for daycare. So. He wants his job to be the only contribution (and frankly to have this 1955 arrangement)? Time to bring in more money dude.
Now of course the easier, more equitable, healthier, and better-choice-as-a-father choice, is him actually participating in the family he created and working with his wife to help life move forward. But that's "impossible" because he's so "thorough", can't "multi-task", etc.
It's BS. And yes I sound annoyed. As another PP pointed out, DH is running quite the con, and OP sounds like she's genuinely struggling. I think that sucks.
I posted before that I now stay home but used to be in a similar situation. I actually also worked in finance and kept cutting down. At the end, I was doing more accounting and budgeting for flexibility, which is far different than more glamorous finance jobs in nyc.
In OP’s situation, I think her DH should try to get a higher paying job. 170 is pretty low. I made more than that fresh out of grad school 20 years ago. If he isn’t helping much around the house, he should at least earn more to get you more paid help.
In my house, I told Dh to go hard in his career and he did. He doesn’t worry about pick up or drop off or getting a kid to dance or soccer. I don’t get mad at him for never going grocery shopping or buying a birthday gift. I stopped working when he earned 800k. He now earns $2-3m.
I mean, this is disgusting and a terrible thing to model to both sons and daughters. But you do you.
To add, you do you but please don’t recommend it to others who may not understand the implications.
NP. I think that PP sounds absolutely insufferable but to be fair, at least her family prioritized having ONE parent act like the kids matter to them. Everyone else is suggesting that OP and her husband BOTH outsource parenting as much as possible.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 12:16
Subject: We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would have kept him in the $500-600k job, to be honest.
He now seems to be in the worst of all worlds- not earning an amazing salary but too busy to pick up his shsre of the house work.
+1. 500-600k would have paid for a lot of outsourcing and allowed OP to cut back to part-time or even sahm.
It sounds like he used to have a very demanding and high paying job. He cut down so that he could have a better lifestyle but didn’t increase what he is doing at home. This does sound like a worse case scenario for OP.
So he gets the morning off, helps a little in the eve and then has couple time with OP. What does that even mean? You can still hang out, have sex after he works out or kids are in bed. That is what the rest of us do.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 11:47
Subject: We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
Anonymous wrote:I would have kept him in the $500-600k job, to be honest.
He now seems to be in the worst of all worlds- not earning an amazing salary but too busy to pick up his shsre of the house work.
+1. 500-600k would have paid for a lot of outsourcing and allowed OP to cut back to part-time or even sahm.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 11:43
Subject: We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He needs to do more. Even if he is gone when dinner has to be cooked, he can cook chili or a meal like that on Sunday to be eaten Monday, etc.
It is ridiculous that you do all pickup drop off cooking dinner. It is not fair
He needs to do more or hire someone
Yes. Spare me the he works 40+ hours bull id he has time to workout every morning he has time to throw something in the crockpot or pack lunches. He just doesn't think he has to
+1. He needs to take over morning drop offs. He’s being lazy. What’s his job? $170k doesn’t seem like very much for 40-50 hours a week.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 11:35
Subject: We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
Anonymous wrote:Even the Dads I know who work a ton do dropoff some. They may not make it home for dinner or evening stuff but they can go in late. He needs to take some mornings. You are doing too much.
Can you cut back on activities? Hire more help for evenings?
+ if he has time to work out in the morning, he has time to help with the kids.
My DH and I work full time with 3 kids (granted from home) and he has time to make them breakfast and walk them to the bus stop so I can start/end my day early. You have to stagger hours and he has to find time to help.
Otherwise I say ditch aftercare and get an afternoon nanny to help with pickups and watch kids so you can start dinner or whatever.
Also keep in mind your kids will get more independent. You won’t always be wrangling a kid while trying to cook dinner. My kids can now grab a snack and entertain themselves after school so I don’t even need childcare help at the end of the day. The hardest part is extracurriculars, but that is more about logistics (e.g. scheduling carpools and making sure uniforms are clean), which to me is way easier than the exhaustion of little kids.
You just have to grit through the daycare/kindergarten years! Hopefully both of yours will be in the same school soon, which helps too.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 11:34
Subject: We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
Cut back on the couple time. DH and I don't have couple time until the weekend and most of that is shared with the kids.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 11:27
Subject: We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
Anonymous wrote:I would have kept him in the $500-600k job, to be honest.
He now seems to be in the worst of all worlds- not earning an amazing salary but too busy to pick up his shsre of the house work.
This. What was the point of leaving the harder job if he still can’t pull his weight?
Anonymous
03/01/2024 11:25
Subject: Re:We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:There are plenty of dads of young children at his salary level that get their work done in a way that allows them to be a contributing partner at home.
Oh I wasn't saying it can't be done. I'm saying OP's DH is presenting this as a fait accompli; his hours are inflexible, his workouts are a priority, therefore she's gotta handle it all. OK. Well, but it seems he's also expecting her to do everything for these kids. There's a name for that: it's a SAHM. As long as he wants OP to have a job, and he wants nothing to change for him, that means they outsource. And on $270K combined salary in this area, that's either tricky or impossible while also paying for daycare. So. He wants his job to be the only contribution (and frankly to have this 1955 arrangement)? Time to bring in more money dude.
Now of course the easier, more equitable, healthier, and better-choice-as-a-father choice, is him actually participating in the family he created and working with his wife to help life move forward. But that's "impossible" because he's so "thorough", can't "multi-task", etc.
It's BS. And yes I sound annoyed. As another PP pointed out, DH is running quite the con, and OP sounds like she's genuinely struggling. I think that sucks.
I posted before that I now stay home but used to be in a similar situation. I actually also worked in finance and kept cutting down. At the end, I was doing more accounting and budgeting for flexibility, which is far different than more glamorous finance jobs in nyc.
In OP’s situation, I think her DH should try to get a higher paying job. 170 is pretty low. I made more than that fresh out of grad school 20 years ago. If he isn’t helping much around the house, he should at least earn more to get you more paid help.
In my house, I told Dh to go hard in his career and he did. He doesn’t worry about pick up or drop off or getting a kid to dance or soccer. I don’t get mad at him for never going grocery shopping or buying a birthday gift. I stopped working when he earned 800k. He now earns $2-3m.
I mean, this is disgusting and a terrible thing to model to both sons and daughters. But you do you.
Why is this disgusting? I did most of the kid stuff while I was working. I handled planning play dates, birthdays, vacations, bought gifts for friends, teachers, clothes, shoes, diapers, etc. While I haven’t asked everyone, most moms do this stuff whether they work or not.
I was burnt out in my finance job. I didn’t like my mommy tracked job and I now stay home while Dh earns. What is disgusting about this?
Nothing. Pp is envious.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 11:24
Subject: We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It gets better as they get older. Can you afford extra help in the mornings or afternoons? I served very simple meals when the kids were little and joined a carpool when they hit elementary.
NP. Disagree. It is much harder when they start doing extracurricular activities.
Then you need have to limit them to accommodate your household if you can't afford help.
No. If you want a kid to excel at anything, there is a significant time commitment. Even 1 activity can eat up several evenings/weekenfs. If there is more than one kid, even a once a week activity is now at least on two days a week
And that's why there are so many divorces.
This has nothing to do with divorce.
My parents are married.
I am divorced. We do this married or divorced. It literally does not matter. Busy 5-7 days week except summer. It is the way it is.
I'd cut back on the extracurriculars before threatening my spouse with divorce.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 11:17
Subject: Re:We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:There are plenty of dads of young children at his salary level that get their work done in a way that allows them to be a contributing partner at home.
Oh I wasn't saying it can't be done. I'm saying OP's DH is presenting this as a fait accompli; his hours are inflexible, his workouts are a priority, therefore she's gotta handle it all. OK. Well, but it seems he's also expecting her to do everything for these kids. There's a name for that: it's a SAHM. As long as he wants OP to have a job, and he wants nothing to change for him, that means they outsource. And on $270K combined salary in this area, that's either tricky or impossible while also paying for daycare. So. He wants his job to be the only contribution (and frankly to have this 1955 arrangement)? Time to bring in more money dude.
Now of course the easier, more equitable, healthier, and better-choice-as-a-father choice, is him actually participating in the family he created and working with his wife to help life move forward. But that's "impossible" because he's so "thorough", can't "multi-task", etc.
It's BS. And yes I sound annoyed. As another PP pointed out, DH is running quite the con, and OP sounds like she's genuinely struggling. I think that sucks.
I posted before that I now stay home but used to be in a similar situation. I actually also worked in finance and kept cutting down. At the end, I was doing more accounting and budgeting for flexibility, which is far different than more glamorous finance jobs in nyc.
In OP’s situation, I think her DH should try to get a higher paying job. 170 is pretty low. I made more than that fresh out of grad school 20 years ago. If he isn’t helping much around the house, he should at least earn more to get you more paid help.
In my house, I told Dh to go hard in his career and he did. He doesn’t worry about pick up or drop off or getting a kid to dance or soccer. I don’t get mad at him for never going grocery shopping or buying a birthday gift. I stopped working when he earned 800k. He now earns $2-3m.
I mean, this is disgusting and a terrible thing to model to both sons and daughters. But you do you.
Why is this disgusting? I did most of the kid stuff while I was working. I handled planning play dates, birthdays, vacations, bought gifts for friends, teachers, clothes, shoes, diapers, etc. While I haven’t asked everyone, most moms do this stuff whether they work or not.
I was burnt out in my finance job. I didn’t like my mommy tracked job and I now stay home while Dh earns. What is disgusting about this?
Anonymous
03/01/2024 11:15
Subject: Re:We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
Anonymous wrote:OP how much money do ya’ll actually need? You should have savings after his previous massive salary. I would consider taking a break from work for awhile in your shoes. 170K should be plenty fir your family to live on. Everyone should be happier if you do it right. Life is too short to be thus stressed.
+1. I wish people realized how short life really is, at least that part of it when you are physically and mentally able to function.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 11:12
Subject: Re:We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:There are plenty of dads of young children at his salary level that get their work done in a way that allows them to be a contributing partner at home.
Oh I wasn't saying it can't be done. I'm saying OP's DH is presenting this as a fait accompli; his hours are inflexible, his workouts are a priority, therefore she's gotta handle it all. OK. Well, but it seems he's also expecting her to do everything for these kids. There's a name for that: it's a SAHM. As long as he wants OP to have a job, and he wants nothing to change for him, that means they outsource. And on $270K combined salary in this area, that's either tricky or impossible while also paying for daycare. So. He wants his job to be the only contribution (and frankly to have this 1955 arrangement)? Time to bring in more money dude.
Now of course the easier, more equitable, healthier, and better-choice-as-a-father choice, is him actually participating in the family he created and working with his wife to help life move forward. But that's "impossible" because he's so "thorough", can't "multi-task", etc.
It's BS. And yes I sound annoyed. As another PP pointed out, DH is running quite the con, and OP sounds like she's genuinely struggling. I think that sucks.
I posted before that I now stay home but used to be in a similar situation. I actually also worked in finance and kept cutting down. At the end, I was doing more accounting and budgeting for flexibility, which is far different than more glamorous finance jobs in nyc.
In OP’s situation, I think her DH should try to get a higher paying job. 170 is pretty low. I made more than that fresh out of grad school 20 years ago. If he isn’t helping much around the house, he should at least earn more to get you more paid help.
In my house, I told Dh to go hard in his career and he did. He doesn’t worry about pick up or drop off or getting a kid to dance or soccer. I don’t get mad at him for never going grocery shopping or buying a birthday gift. I stopped working when he earned 800k. He now earns $2-3m.
I mean, this is disgusting and a terrible thing to model to both sons and daughters. But you do you.
DP. That's not disgusting. They can afford to outsource a lot now. If they are saving well, he will be able to retire early. I am assuming he does attend their games and parent them otherwise.