Anonymous wrote:We are a family that has sugary dessert only once a week, the rest of the time we end dinner with fresh fruit. We allow occasional treats but we're not really into a lot of junk food.

Our 13 yr old DS bought a bag of Oreos the other day with his own allowance money on the understanding that he could have a couple as an occasional treat. He bought the Oreos on Friday afternoon. They were completely gone by Saturday night.

He knows that we would not be OK with him doing this. When we found out he said he just couldn't control himself around the Oreos.

What's an appropriate consequence for this behavior? We've never known him to binge but this is also the first time we've let him buy a full-size snack bag with his own money.

He's had some issues lying around sneaking video game time but he's generally an honest kid. Clearly cannot be trusted around video games and Oreos tho.

A consequence for this is crazy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of mothers here have no concept of how hungry teenage boys can get. Please talk to the men you know to get an idea of how much food they really need. They are not children anymore. Expect that they will require more than 3 meals a day. There should be no limitations unless you know there is an existing medical issue that must be treated with diet. Provide healthy foods including a daily sweet such as cookies, ice cream, muffins, etc. Expect that he will buy himself treats regularly, just like we did when we were teenagers.

Trust me, it’s far worse for teenage girls, who also get hungry when they’re growing, but get major side-eyes from parents when they get a little plump in the “wrong” places. This is how eating disorders begin. It’s how mine did.

I am really sick of grown adults blaming their parents for their problems. Parents are blamed if they don't say anything and their kids become overweight and obese. Parents are blamed if they say something and their kids get eating disorders. Kids really need to take responsibility for their own actions

PP here. I’m an adult now with a good relationship with food and a fine relationship with my parents. It all turned out fine. But my eating disorder from age 14 to 24 was at least partially due to my mother’s own relationship to food and the way she projected her shame on me. (I didn’t even get that from therapy, just decades of introspection.) No, not everything is the parents’ fault. But when we see what damage is possible, we can try to do better with the next generation.

Anonymous wrote:Geez, give OP a break! She is transitioning from having a young child who only ate the food she provided to a teenager trying to make his own decisions. What worked for her a few years ago doesn't work now.

This isn't a self check process that takes years to work through or adjust to.

Based on the way she wrote her post I don't think she is lost in her thought process. She sounds like one of those people that has an idea in her head and that is the way it is going to be no matter what.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are a thin family. My kids are all stick skinny. We are family friends with parents who are overweight and they have so many restrictions with food. The mom does not allow sugar and is a total nazi about junk food. The kids are growing and thin but the parents are overweight. I would guess mom weighs around 160 pounds on an average frame and dad is 200 pounds on an average height so both large. Their kids have a total complex with food!

is this post a DCUM joke?
160 pounds on an average sized woman (assume 5'6") and 200 pounds on an average sized man (assume 5'10"-6'0") is hardly overweight.
Maybe by 5-10 pounds each? If they're muscular that's not overweight at all.

And that’s the problem with the US. Sorry 160 for a woman is in fact overweight. It just is.

A normal weight for a 5'6 woman is 117 - 143 lbs. 160 is a lot for most women. And I think average female height is 5'4.

We really need to stop normalizing being overweight and obese.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of mothers here have no concept of how hungry teenage boys can get. Please talk to the men you know to get an idea of how much food they really need. They are not children anymore. Expect that they will require more than 3 meals a day. There should be no limitations unless you know there is an existing medical issue that must be treated with diet. Provide healthy foods including a daily sweet such as cookies, ice cream, muffins, etc. Expect that he will buy himself treats regularly, just like we did when we were teenagers.

Trust me, it’s far worse for teenage girls, who also get hungry when they’re growing, but get major side-eyes from parents when they get a little plump in the “wrong” places. This is how eating disorders begin. It’s how mine did.

I am really sick of grown adults blaming their parents for their problems. Parents are blamed if they don't say anything and their kids become overweight and obese. Parents are blamed if they say something and their kids get eating disorders. Kids really need to take responsibility for their own actions

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are a thin family. My kids are all stick skinny. We are family friends with parents who are overweight and they have so many restrictions with food. The mom does not allow sugar and is a total nazi about junk food. The kids are growing and thin but the parents are overweight. I would guess mom weighs around 160 pounds on an average frame and dad is 200 pounds on an average height so both large. Their kids have a total complex with food!

is this post a DCUM joke?
160 pounds on an average sized woman (assume 5'6") and 200 pounds on an average sized man (assume 5'10"-6'0") is hardly overweight.
Maybe by 5-10 pounds each? If they're muscular that's not overweight at all.

And that’s the problem with the US. Sorry 160 for a woman is in fact overweight. It just is.

I think what a lot of people are alluding to, but not explicitly saying is that kids need to learn how to control themselves. It's the rare person who has that innate ability.

OP, you say that you are teaching your kid how to eat responsibly, but that really isn't true. You have rules, and you contemplate punishment for breaking them. Those are external restrictions, that don't teach your now-teenager the necessary self-control that he'll need. So, how are you going to go about doing that? And when?

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of mothers here have no concept of how hungry teenage boys can get. Please talk to the men you know to get an idea of how much food they really need. They are not children anymore. Expect that they will require more than 3 meals a day. There should be no limitations unless you know there is an existing medical issue that must be treated with diet. Provide healthy foods including a daily sweet such as cookies, ice cream, muffins, etc. Expect that he will buy himself treats regularly, just like we did when we were teenagers.

This. I’ve started making extra portions for every dinner because my 13yo son is scarfing anything and everything he can find these days. Honestly it reminds me of when I was breastfeeding my kids through a growth spurt and would just scavenge the kitchen for calories while the baby briefly slept (or was screaming while being held by daddy!).

Op needs to make sure there’s food available in the house and let the Oreos go. My son learned to make eggs for himself, so he’s able to do that when he’s hungry. But sometimes he’s just too ravenous and he’ll plow through a box of crackers. Kids this age need food. One box of Oreos is not a big deal at all and shouldn’t be treated that way.

OP, suggest next time he buy the individual snack pack of 6-8 cookies.

Anonymous wrote:We are a thin family. My kids are all stick skinny. We are family friends with parents who are overweight and they have so many restrictions with food. The mom does not allow sugar and is a total nazi about junk food. The kids are growing and thin but the parents are overweight. I would guess mom weighs around 160 pounds on an average frame and dad is 200 pounds on an average height so both large. Their kids have a total complex with food!

is this post a DCUM joke?
160 pounds on an average sized woman (assume 5'6") and 200 pounds on an average sized man (assume 5'10"-6'0") is hardly overweight.
Maybe by 5-10 pounds each? If they're muscular that's not overweight at all.

Anonymous wrote:You are creating a craving. I was that kid. In a few short years, you are going to have ZERO control over what he buys with his own money & eats. Guess what I did at 16? Full on binges. I would say disordered eating for a good 10 years.

Here’s what I would recommend - no “consequences”. No punishment, no extra chores or losing phone time or whatever punitive actions you could come up. Talk about how it’s not great for his health. Then move on. Maybe even buy a bag of Oreos & say, I know you can do better - have a few when you feel like it.

I am parenting so differently now that I have kids, & I can tell you that my teens don’t do that. We have a bag of Oreos in the cabinet that have been there for probably 6 months. Someone has 3 or 4, & then forgets about it.

This is my story exactly. My mom was extremely rigid about food, coupled with being very critical of her own body, and that of me and my sisters. There was no "junk food" in the house, dessert was homemade yogurt with a tablespoon of fruit, etc.

I developed a full-on binging disorder in high school, leading to bulimia and anorexia in university. I almost died.

With my own kids, I did a ton of research and made sure that no foods were "off limits" and that no one would ever be allowed to talk about my kids' bodies in front of them. Dessert and junk foods exist at my house, often left over from Halloween or from a birthday party, or from buying GS cookies from the nice little girl at the door. But my kids, who are all the same age as OPs or older, just don't feel the need to binge. They might have one GS cookie after dinner, but more often than not I throw the package away because it gets stale before they finish it.

OP - you are doing this wrong, not just for your child's mental health but for their long-term relationship with food. Do better.

Geez, give OP a break! She is transitioning from having a young child who only ate the food she provided to a teenager trying to make his own decisions. What worked for her a few years ago doesn't work now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Let me be clear that we do not restrict healthy food. He gets to eat as much as he wants of non-junk food. Yes, he gets enough proteins, fats, and carbs.

My mind is blown that intelligent, well-educated parents think it's okay to let their kids eat unrestricted quantities of unhealthy foods. It's really OK if your kid wants to have six pints of Ben & Jerry's at a sitting on a regular basis?

As I said, we allow small amounts of junk food as occasional treats but I cannot fathom allowing kids of any age to free-feed on food that crowds out healthy calories.

Sugary junk food is made to be addictive and kids, especially teens, do not have the forebrain to fight the addiction.

Think about inserting other kinds of addictive substances -- vaping, meth, alcohol instead of junk food. Of course forbidding something cannot make it attractive. Does that mean we should allow free access to vapes, drugs, and alcohol?

What a total dereliction of parental duty.

That comment really is the crux of it. Parenting strategies have to mold to meet the child, and then evolve as the kid ages. You have a 13 yo, OP - what happend when he's 15? 17? Will you restrict his eating then?

These questions are much more important than trying to figure out a consequence right now.

I posted before that I have 12 and 14yo boys. I host a lot of kids. I also have an elementary daughter. I keep a packed pantry of all sorts of snacks. I let my kids eat whatever snacks they want. They can request Oreos or bbq chips. My kids’ friends like to come over and eat our snacks. Most kids don’t make a big deal of it but one or two kids will go nuts and comment on their parents’ food restrictions. I don’t think my kids have any fat friends.

I have read on here about some girls sneaking food. I hope parents don’t restrict food for girls who are not thin.

Op, I hope you’re paying attention to the people who have lived with food restrictions, like what you are giving your child.

My kids have a healthy and balanced diet. We eat fruits, vegetables and pretty much all homemade meals. But I also buy Oreos, chips, and candy for them. I have two packages of Oreos sitting in my pantry now and my teens aren’t sneaking them, or hiding when they eat two or three cookies. Food is not forbidden.

As to your rant that cookies are gateways to drugs like meth, you can’t really believe that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are a family that has sugary dessert only once a week, the rest of the time we end dinner with fresh fruit. We allow occasional treats but we're not really into a lot of junk food.

Our 13 yr old DS bought a bag of Oreos the other day with his own allowance money on the understanding that he could have a couple as an occasional treat. He bought the Oreos on Friday afternoon. They were completely gone by Saturday night.

He knows that we would not be OK with him doing this. When we found out he said he just couldn't control himself around the Oreos.

What's an appropriate consequence for this behavior? We've never known him to binge but this is also the first time we've let him buy a full-size snack bag with his own money.

He's had some issues lying around sneaking video game time but he's generally an honest kid. Clearly cannot be trusted around video games and Oreos tho.

Apologize for restricting his food so he feels like he needs to binge eat? And buy him a box at Costco.

+1
I don’t know a single adult who has a good relationship with food if their parents were restrictive and strict with food growing up. My sister and brother in law and dh all have zero control around food that were restricted when they were growing up.
We have an open policy with food and have tons of sweets. I generally throw out a lot when it’s expired bc my kids eat it in moderation when they want bc they know they’ll always have the option. I’ve learned they have a few friends I need to police when they come over bc they will gorge or take large amounts with them. No surprise - these are the families that are strict about food. OP you should teach your kids everything in moderation and try to fix the damage you’ve already caused.

Maybe they place limits bc their kids overeat? Maybe their kids are overweight? If you don’t need to place limits, that’s great. But not all kids do moderation well.

Not doing something well is an argument for more practice not less. They applies to anything, including food choices.

Yes some kids will develop these skills more slowly, which is why you start early.