Anonymous wrote:Some people on here think they’re doing their kids a favor by letting things fall where they may, but that supposes that their child’s viewpoint is sufficiently mature (both knowledge and experience = judgement). It isn’t.

In seventh grade, my kid was told by a teacher that a “B” is a good grade. In fact, it’s fine, but not if you want the best academic opportunities. We told him where he could go to college with a bunch of “Bs” vs “As,” and he never thought again that Bs were good enough.

I understand that every kid can’t take AP classes, get As, and a 1500 SAT, but if you never help your kid understand their options, they’ll find out too late and maybe set inappropriate goals.

My kids know numerous kids who got informed too late in their high school career to make a sufficient turnaround and landed in suboptimal situations. Not saying that’s the end of life, but why take those hits when they’re preventable?

+1

One kid is very smart---3.98UW HS gpa. Could have taken ALL APs but it would be time consuming---AP ENG/APUSH would require them to do less of their EC and they wouldn't get enough sleep (I'm considering 5 hours enough in HS, it's not, but that's all they could get). SO they kept up with 15-20hr+/week of their EC with their friends doing what they loved, and took 4 APs each junior and senior year. Those APs were all STEm (except AP Psych).

So we guided them they needed a rigorous schedule--they were not going to take regular ENG/History/no FL and just coast. But we let them pick the AP courses they were most interested in/would benefit them for the future (CS/ENG major now at a T40 school). Given that Covid was their HS experience (class of 22), we also had to consider their mental health and overloading with courses they were not interested in was not worth it. I'm confident this was the best course for them. Their top 2 college choices have specialized "core curriculums" where their AP courses in ENg/History would NOT count for credit, so in the end, it didn't matter...they still had to take Freshman Eng (everyone does at those 2 schools).

Win win because my kid was happier, got to pursue their EC in depth (15+ hours/week) and be happy. Sure, perhaps, maybe if they'd pushed and taken AP Eng/APUSH/APGovt they might have gotten into a T25, but then again, it's more likely they would be exactly where they are now. Just not as happy

Anonymous wrote:Our kids will not be able to select appropriate HS courses, choose a career or degree, or apply for colleges without a lot of help from us parents. Maybe someone else’s kids can do it without a lot of parental involvement, as different kids are different.

We do not care about Ivy or T20, but they have to obtain a good enough quality degree in a suitable major; we insist on college only as a way for them to be able support themselves in an UMC life after graduation. We are not wealthy enough that they can choose a degree which pays poorly or not at all.

This is nuts. If you still have to micromanage your nearly adult kid at 16-18 they’re just going to be the same unmotivated immature slackers regressing to their natural mean at college. You can’t make their friends, attend lectures and complete assignments, join study groups, join on campus ECs, go to office hours and develop rapport with professors and employers for them. It’s a futile losing battle, helicopter mom.

Tiger Mom Amy Chia and the outcome of her kids is not normal. Tiger mom and her husband are super powerful Republican king makers at Yale Law School. You’re just a prole striver in the DMV.

Our kids will not be able to select appropriate HS courses, choose a career or degree, or apply for colleges without a lot of help from us parents. Maybe someone else’s kids can do it without a lot of parental involvement, as different kids are different.

We do not care about Ivy or T20, but they have to obtain a good enough quality degree in a suitable major; we insist on college only as a way for them to be able support themselves in an UMC life after graduation. We are not wealthy enough that they can choose a degree which pays poorly or not at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grew up in Haddonfield, NJ. Very top public school. Class of 1990. Nobody prepped.

I think the difference in replies may be in part between people who took the test closer to 1990 or after 2000. I'm sure by 2000 or soon after that prepping was normal in most UMC areas. Also, I think the DMV was prepping long before others. (shocking )

I took it in 94 before the change and prepped lightly

I took it in 1986 in an affluent Southern California suburb. My friends and I all prepped with the Princeton Review book and practice tests. I don't recall anyone taking a class. (fyi Princeton Review was founded in 1981 as a SAT tutoring company so people were definitely prepping that early!)

I was first gen and my parents only involvement was taking me on college tours and my dad insisted I look at one college because he was his favorite place to recruit (while he didn't go to college he was a director at a tech company). They also set the budget. I could apply anywhere but had to go to a place they could afford without loans.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grew up in Haddonfield, NJ. Very top public school. Class of 1990. Nobody prepped.

I think the difference in replies may be in part between people who took the test closer to 1990 or after 2000. I'm sure by 2000 or soon after that prepping was normal in most UMC areas. Also, I think the DMV was prepping long before others. (shocking )

I took it in 94 before the change and prepped lightly

Class of 93, scholarship kid at a private boarding/day school in PA. I didn't prep and don't know anyone else that did. I only took the test one time; a few classmates took it twice. My parents trusted my high school counselor and were hands-off during the entire application process. I scored in the low 1300s--got into Penn.

Anonymous wrote:All of life is a game isn’t it? You either get in the ring and play, give it a go, or you are fine sitting on the periphery mostly watching. And if you are fine being fine, you do you OP.

Most of your wormy striver kids will get fake email / spreadsheet / zoom jobs. They aren’t in the ring or elevating the world in any way, they just grift. Hardly a fulfilling aspirational life.

Anonymous wrote:Grew up in Haddonfield, NJ. Very top public school. Class of 1990. Nobody prepped.

I think the difference in replies may be in part between people who took the test closer to 1990 or after 2000. I'm sure by 2000 or soon after that prepping was normal in most UMC areas. Also, I think the DMV was prepping long before others. (shocking )

I took it in 94 before the change and prepped lightly

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 seniors this year. We let them take the lead 95% of the time. We helped by planning tours when we were on vacation/spring breaks/etc starting their sophomore year, chunking up tasks (because the process was overwhelming to kids with ADHD), proof reading essays, and proof reading the Common App with them before submitting.

They did 1 8 hr SAT prep class that was part of a school fund raiser
No college admissions counselor
No forcing them to do activities they weren't interested in just for the sake of padding their resume.


Both have gotten into all 6 schools they applies to (still waiting on UMD) - not top 25 ones, but that isn't who they are.

Kids should go to colleges based on who they are. Not who their parents want them to be.

Agree. The process should be about nurturing your child to grow into themselves and then finding the college that can support that. Not starting with a particular college goal and molding the child to fit that.

Anonymous wrote:You don’t need to do all of “the things” but to do nothing, seems neglectful.

+1 It's definitely a continuum and ultimately, IMO, it's about supporting the particular kid you have with the resources you have available. If you have a hard-charging, ambitious, brilliant kid who wants to go to Harvard, then supporting that kid could mean figuring out how to help him get the test prep and admissions guidance he needs to put together the best application. Or, if you really can't afford Harvard, helping him find alternatives that can also support his ambitions. But, if you are imposing your own ideas that only T10 schools are acceptable and pushing "all the things" on the kid to achieve your own ambitions, that is toxic behavior that will hurt your kid. Getting tutors for a student who is struggling with a particular class is appropriate. Insisting that they have to be in the top level of all classes when it takes tutors for all of them to make that possible, probably not good for them.

OP here. Thanks to all who gave thoughtful replies. It’s been helpful in pushing at my ideas about what feels right (vs too much or too little). We seem to align with many other posters here, which I hope will help me take some deep breaths when talking with friends who are somewhat … less aligned.