Anonymous wrote:

We paid for every college expense and a generous allowance for our daughter. She had a basically unlimited uber account but was not allowed a car at school. Yes, I was worried about drinking and driving. When she was home on vacation she had to suck it up and spend time with family. We expected her home by 10 or so when went to bed. I wonder if OP was talking about her 19 year old daughter if the responses would be so cavalier about his legal adulthood.

My 16 year old doesn't even have to be home by ten! What the heck.

We paid for every college expense and a generous allowance for our daughter. She had a basically unlimited uber account but was not allowed a car at school. Yes, I was worried about drinking and driving. When she was home on vacation she had to suck it up and spend time with family. We expected her home by 10 or so when went to bed. I wonder if OP was talking about her 19 year old daughter if the responses would be so cavalier about his legal adulthood.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter what time he comes home? Go to bed regardless. Before cell phones we didn’t call to let them know what time we were coming home. We just came home when we came home. Especially as it’s NYE. My parents never waited up for me once I was in college.

I did. I'd call from wherever I was.
I traveled around the world after college graduation, which was before cell phones or even email. I'd call my parents every few days. Sometimes we'd do the fake collect call thing, just so they knew I was okay. People my age joke about how we used to do that.
Maybe your family just isn't close.

Not at all the case. My Mom is European so instilled independence in us from an early age. (She wouldn’t have wanted me calling her collect from Europe all the time as it’s expensive too, but that’s a different scenario here). When home on college breaks, we were allowed to go out to hang out with friends and she didn’t care what time we were home. She went to bed early no matter what. I did let her know where I was going but there was no way to know what exact time I was coming home.

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter what time he comes home? Go to bed regardless. Before cell phones we didn’t call to let them know what time we were coming home. We just came home when we came home. Especially as it’s NYE. My parents never waited up for me once I was in college.

I did. I'd call from wherever I was.
I traveled around the world after college graduation, which was before cell phones or even email. I'd call my parents every few days. Sometimes we'd do the fake collect call thing, just so they knew I was okay. People my age joke about how we used to do that.
Maybe your family just isn't close.

I look at it this way: if something had happened to my adult kid, I would likely hear from the police or a hospital or a friend so no need to wait up for some text.

If he hasn't checked in and I didn't hear from any of the above then it is one or two scenarios: he is okay or he's not and there is nothing I can do about it, and nothing the police will do until time has passed.

So...al I can do is let go and just pretend he is not actually living with me during breaks, as he does most of the year and will full time very soon.

Anonymous wrote:I don't like the idea of being tracked or surveilled and don't want my kids to become used to it. I am in my 40s and was pretty independent by the time I was 19.
I didn't grow up middle class so I think that's the difference most people keep pointing out.

I don't call my husband if I will be late nor do I use the tracking features on my phone. When my kids were younger I would call my childcare provider. I don't have anxiety and neither does my husband. I have teens and feel if something is wrong I will likely be one of the first to know. Also what can I really do to keep my kid 100% safe beyond teaching my kid street smarts or locking them in a tower?

Does he wake you up when he comes in late?

So, at what point when you don’t come home would he worry? Or would he’s just be like “well hell, it was nice having a wife for a while, but I guess she’s gone” after a few days?

When I studied abroad - my house mom had a rule that I had to tell her if I wasn't going to be home by 6 or 8am, and it so she didn't have to worry about what happened to me. I think something like that makes sense for college age.

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter what time he comes home? Go to bed regardless. Before cell phones we didn’t call to let them know what time we were coming home. We just came home when we came home. Especially as it’s NYE. My parents never waited up for me once I was in college.

Speak for yourself. I def had to tell my parents. My parents also attempted a curfew for me, which was absurd.

You can have a middle ground: no curfew but please let us know your rough plans and what time to expect you. If you won't be coming home, or coming home until the wee hours, just let us know. That is not unreasonable. That's what I do as an adult. It's respectful and responsible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my DH was staying out later than planned it our Au pair who is also 19 — they always text. It’s just common courtesy. As an adult in the family, who knows you’d be worried - he has to text. Sorry, bud. That is just general courtesy and respect. Don’t be mad and mean about it. Speak to him like an adult.

+1

+2

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter what time he comes home? Go to bed regardless. Before cell phones we didn’t call to let them know what time we were coming home. We just came home when we came home. Especially as it’s NYE. My parents never waited up for me once I was in college.

i always told my parents when i’d be home when i was living under their roof, eating their food, and having my education paid for. I still text my mom to this day to tell her I got home safe when i leave her house late.

my sister is significantly younger than me. she often leaves my house late and ALWAYS texts me to tell me she got home OK. furthermore she also tells me when she goes on dates and always drops a pin when she gets to her destination in case something happens. She’s quite the adult. Much more than the OPs son. she pays her own bills, and is financially independent. she also keeps herself safe and understand that people love her.

Anonymous wrote:this talk of adults who are entirely financially depending while on a four year vacation at a so-called college is laughable.

What are you prattling on about now?

When I was an RA in college and a student would report their roommate didn't come home, we'd start making the usual calls: jail, magistrate, hospitals.

I don't like the idea of being tracked or surveilled and don't want my kids to become used to it. I am in my 40s and was pretty independent by the time I was 19.
I didn't grow up middle class so I think that's the difference most people keep pointing out.

I don't call my husband if I will be late nor do I use the tracking features on my phone. When my kids were younger I would call my childcare provider. I don't have anxiety and neither does my husband. I have teens and feel if something is wrong I will likely be one of the first to know. Also what can I really do to keep my kid 100% safe beyond teaching my kid street smarts or locking them in a tower?

Does he wake you up when he comes in late?

Why does it matter what time he comes home? Go to bed regardless. Before cell phones we didn’t call to let them know what time we were coming home. We just came home when we came home. Especially as it’s NYE. My parents never waited up for me once I was in college.