Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm married but I relate to many of the previous posts. I was the single friend who panicked and ran away every time a guy showed interest in me. Even if I had previously considered the possibility of dating him before, once he expresses interest, the situation suddenly feels suffocating, and I would come up with endless nitpicky reasons why I couldn't date him.

I realized I would end up alone forever if I continued down my path, so I did a lot of self-reflection and ended up dating my now-husband. I was surprised a handsome, nice, smart, and successful guy like him was single. He was nerdy and super awkward on our initial dates. So much so that I assumed he'd never had a girlfriend. It turns out he's had multiple long-term girlfriends and is in fact just very awkward. We connected over a shared nerdy interest. After kids, I discover that in addition to the ADHD I already knew about, he likely has mild ASD. The nerdy interest is actually a hyperinterest. Chaos ensues and I almost divorce him. Later on, someone on the spectrum casually suggests that I have mild ASD. I'm not 100% convinced about myself, but I realize both my parents have mild ASD. Our marriage works now with a lot of effort on his part. Most of the time, it's great.

Can anyone explain this behavior? All the people I know who are married were not afflicted by it. What explains the freak-out in response to a guy catching feelings for you? Is it like Mark Twain who said he wouldn’t want to join any club that would have him as a member? (i.e., you are hyperaware of your supposed unworthiness so there must be something wrong with a person who thinks otherwise? Or is it that you instantly feel that you would be settling because he wants you more than you want him, and therefore you are more desirable than he is, and therefore he’s clearly not good enough for you. I think the latter is the answer. But maybe some other dynamic is at play.

Attachment disorders stemming from early childhood could cause this. Small children have to go through a phase where they successfully learn to individuate from mother. If this does not occur successfully due to bad parenting, the person remains psychologically stuck in abn ambivalent state emotionally. Every adult relationship then becomes a reenactment of that failed emotional maturation process unless they get therapy to become consciously aware of why the behaviors occur and then learn behavior management techniques to adapt to a more successful pattern as an adult.

Anonymous wrote:This site keeps me unmarried.

Yup. Don't think I'm missing out on anything. I do occasionally lie to mysrried friends and pretend I'm so done with being single though, it's easier that way.

This site keeps me unmarried.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm married but I relate to many of the previous posts. I was the single friend who panicked and ran away every time a guy showed interest in me. Even if I had previously considered the possibility of dating him before, once he expresses interest, the situation suddenly feels suffocating, and I would come up with endless nitpicky reasons why I couldn't date him.

I realized I would end up alone forever if I continued down my path, so I did a lot of self-reflection and ended up dating my now-husband. I was surprised a handsome, nice, smart, and successful guy like him was single. He was nerdy and super awkward on our initial dates. So much so that I assumed he'd never had a girlfriend. It turns out he's had multiple long-term girlfriends and is in fact just very awkward. We connected over a shared nerdy interest. After kids, I discover that in addition to the ADHD I already knew about, he likely has mild ASD. The nerdy interest is actually a hyperinterest. Chaos ensues and I almost divorce him. Later on, someone on the spectrum casually suggests that I have mild ASD. I'm not 100% convinced about myself, but I realize both my parents have mild ASD. Our marriage works now with a lot of effort on his part. Most of the time, it's great.

Can anyone explain this behavior? All the people I know who are married were not afflicted by it. What explains the freak-out in response to a guy catching feelings for you? Is it like Mark Twain who said he wouldn’t want to join any club that would have him as a member? (i.e., you are hyperaware of your supposed unworthiness so there must be something wrong with a person who thinks otherwise? Or is it that you instantly feel that you would be settling because he wants you more than you want him, and therefore you are more desirable than he is, and therefore he’s clearly not good enough for you. I think the latter is the answer. But maybe some other dynamic is at play.

I wrote the long post a couple pages ago about my friends like this. I think it comes down to fear

1) fear that their life will change
2) fear of letting someone in
3) fear of being rejected

They are very entrenched in their lives, very in their niche interests/groups etc. They are gossipy and obsessed with picking apart others, not just romantic interests, because (IMO) they are insecure about themselves and are constantly looking to put others down to avoid self reflection. One of them had a lot of childhood trauma, and one still lives with her parents (at like, 38). They basically just never stopped acting like teenagers, but the older and more mature the rest of us got, the bigger the divide. But truly I think it all just came down to a mixture of fear and insecurity. Which is sad.

One very common factor is finding someone good and compatible early on but society telling you that you should have several partners before committing so letting go of your person and then not finding anyone as compatible.

I’ll add a reason I see to the pot….dating men who are married. I’ve got two friends who spent year with men who were “separated” only for the guys to return to their wife and kids. It puzzled me how they could spend their best years on a guy who isn’t even available to get married?

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been noticing several of my single friends complaining about not being married (ages 35-42). I used to offer advice and even help with matchmaking. Now I’m starting to realize these people are single for a reason. Some are not emotionally available, some have very unrealistic expectations, some are selfish, some waste time in dead end matches. It made me wonder what are some other common ways people make getting married hard in this age range?

There could be so many reasons from not feeling ready for restraining responsibilities, not finding someone worthy, other people not finding them worthy, higher education, focus on career, high debt, low income etc etc.

Unlike people of majority race and religion, other people have less options. Lets say if you are are an ordinary looking first generation Hindu in a mediocre career, your options are very limiting.

Anonymous wrote:I'm married but I relate to many of the previous posts. I was the single friend who panicked and ran away every time a guy showed interest in me. Even if I had previously considered the possibility of dating him before, once he expresses interest, the situation suddenly feels suffocating, and I would come up with endless nitpicky reasons why I couldn't date him.

I realized I would end up alone forever if I continued down my path, so I did a lot of self-reflection and ended up dating my now-husband. I was surprised a handsome, nice, smart, and successful guy like him was single. He was nerdy and super awkward on our initial dates. So much so that I assumed he'd never had a girlfriend. It turns out he's had multiple long-term girlfriends and is in fact just very awkward. We connected over a shared nerdy interest. After kids, I discover that in addition to the ADHD I already knew about, he likely has mild ASD. The nerdy interest is actually a hyperinterest. Chaos ensues and I almost divorce him. Later on, someone on the spectrum casually suggests that I have mild ASD. I'm not 100% convinced about myself, but I realize both my parents have mild ASD. Our marriage works now with a lot of effort on his part. Most of the time, it's great.

Can anyone explain this behavior? All the people I know who are married were not afflicted by it. What explains the freak-out in response to a guy catching feelings for you? Is it like Mark Twain who said he wouldn’t want to join any club that would have him as a member? (i.e., you are hyperaware of your supposed unworthiness so there must be something wrong with a person who thinks otherwise? Or is it that you instantly feel that you would be settling because he wants you more than you want him, and therefore you are more desirable than he is, and therefore he’s clearly not good enough for you. I think the latter is the answer. But maybe some other dynamic is at play.

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been noticing several of my single friends complaining about not being married (ages 35-42). I used to offer advice and even help with matchmaking. Now I’m starting to realize these people are single for a reason. Some are not emotionally available, some have very unrealistic expectations, some are selfish, some waste time in dead end matches. It made me wonder what are some other common ways people make getting married hard in this age range?

They don’t want to marry freaks

Anonymous wrote:I have a younger brother who is rich (self made), highly successful, good looking, more than average height, normal weight, in shape funny, super well educated. no major personality defects (my kids love him, he is kind, great for days at a time at family events). My parents wonder endlessly why he is not married in his early 40s with no girlfriends in sight. DCUM - please give reasons for this o can share with my parents or use to head them off. I don’t pry into his life and I have other things to worry about. He doesn’t fit anything discussed here yet.

Has he indicated that he wants marriage and family? Not everyone does. Also, you said self-made. Does he work a lot? My husband spent his 20s and 30s building his business and it didn't really leave room for much else. His self-imposed exile from the dating pool was good. He would have been an awful partner at the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I look at my never-married 35+ friends, the common denominator is that they all wasted too much of their prime dating years (early to late 20s) in dead-end relationships. These women are kind, attractive, employed, and it's not that they have crazy high standards, it's that the vast majority of same-age men are either already off the market or wanting to date younger.

Yeah that’s a rough time for women until you start getting a lot older. Options are basically date older - a guy age 43+ if you’re 35 most likely and then adjust from there. Date blue collar instead of white collar. Or date YOUNGER especially if the woman is financially in decent condition. I have a friend who was married young, divorced young with a kid. She has a really decent job as a middle school principal in a medium COL area and is quite pretty (I’m sure that fact is important). She recently remarried to a guy about 10 years younger who is a fitness trainer and amateur athlete. Ages 37/27ish. He loves being a stepdad, kid’s bio dad is barely in the picture, and they haven’t closed the door on having a kid together either.

+1. It’s definitely a numbers game. Only so many hot, nice, sex-positive women who don’t state their opinions to go around. Most men will have to give on something - average looking, moody, dead bedroom, feminist.

Same for women. Only so many wealthy, generous, good looking, non maga men. Most women will have to give on [b]income, [b]asshatery, short/bald, or conservative views.

It’s only the top 5% of each that get the whole package. The vast majority of men don’t marry gorgeous women. And the vast majority of women don’t marry the seven figure income men.

Many educated women insist on marry a man with a degree. With 60% of college students female, women will be left out if they don’t marry men with a degree. With the obesity epidemic in America, the majority of women are overweight. Men will have to marry larger women or they will be left out. The people who don’t realize this remain single.

Honestly, women are not interested in the "put out and shut up" model of marriage. They are also not interested in "asshatery".

I would like to be in a healthy marriage of equal partners, but, TBH, I don't really ever meet men who treat me like an equal nor do I see any marriages in my peer group that I would consider marriage of equals. Even my well-educated, successful female peers with good jobs have been forced to downshift more than their partners for unpaid caregiving.

Women work. They can have kids on their own. They have options that don't involve being in an abusive or unequal partnership, and their desire to "not compromise" and stay out of that kind of relationship is what has "kept them unmarried."

What does a woman with your attitude have to offer other than your cognitive biased and unrealistic expectations as you have expressed so adroitly here?

DP, but if you are a woman, I am so sad for you that you are reading “unrealistic expectations” into any of what PP said?

I'm married but I relate to many of the previous posts. I was the single friend who panicked and ran away every time a guy showed interest in me. Even if I had previously considered the possibility of dating him before, once he expresses interest, the situation suddenly feels suffocating, and I would come up with endless nitpicky reasons why I couldn't date him.

I realized I would end up alone forever if I continued down my path, so I did a lot of self-reflection and ended up dating my now-husband. I was surprised a handsome, nice, smart, and successful guy like him was single. He was nerdy and super awkward on our initial dates. So much so that I assumed he'd never had a girlfriend. It turns out he's had multiple long-term girlfriends and is in fact just very awkward. We connected over a shared nerdy interest. After kids, I discover that in addition to the ADHD I already knew about, he likely has mild ASD. The nerdy interest is actually a hyperinterest. Chaos ensues and I almost divorce him. Later on, someone on the spectrum casually suggests that I have mild ASD. I'm not 100% convinced about myself, but I realize both my parents have mild ASD. Our marriage works now with a lot of effort on his part. Most of the time, it's great.

Anonymous wrote:When I look at my never-married 35+ friends, the common denominator is that they all wasted too much of their prime dating years (early to late 20s) in dead-end relationships. These women are kind, attractive, employed, and it's not that they have crazy high standards, it's that the vast majority of same-age men are either already off the market or wanting to date younger.

Yup yup yup. This is me. Through my mid thirties. I was way too monogamous in way too many relationships that didn’t lead to marriage. Some of the the guys wanted to marry me and I wasn’t sure and dragged it out. Very unwise.

Anonymous wrote:The women I know in this situation are all super close with their families, have mothers who got ill or died when the women were young adults, and they have taken on kind of a caretaking role for their father.
Maybe this is a chicken/egg thing, but I really think they can’t imagine getting married and leaving their fathers.

I know this sounds oddly specific, but I can think of 4 women I know in this situation.

Yep. Anecdotally, I know a very attractive woman who was an only child and she took care of her ailing mother and father for many years and when they passed away, she got back in touch with her high school sweetheart who was by then divorced, and they married soon after they rekindled their relationship.

Anonymous wrote:I have a younger brother who is rich (self made), highly successful, good looking, more than average height, normal weight, in shape funny, super well educated. no major personality defects (my kids love him, he is kind, great for days at a time at family events). My parents wonder endlessly why he is not married in his early 40s with no girlfriends in sight. DCUM - please give reasons for this o can share with my parents or use to head them off. I don’t pry into his life and I have other things to worry about. He doesn’t fit anything discussed here yet.

Gay. I have a couple of friends like this; their families are very conservative, so they hide any dating life from their families.