A close friend of mine made 6 times what her husband did at her peak earning. She’s been happily married for 30 years and her DH (also a scientist, btw) assumed the lions share of mundane child rearing tasks since his job was regular and flexible hours. His doing that enabled her to flourish in her career and she has had a wonderfully close relationship with her kids because, to be honest, she is the “fun” parent while her husband was always the rule maker and enforcer, errand runner, etc.

There may be many benefits to your situation, OP, that you don’t appreciate yet bc your kids are so young. My friend’s husband naturally stepped up to his family role bc they have a great partnership and he recognized he had more time and flexibility to be running the kids to post school activities, doing the laundry, managing the kids’s dr appts and school paperwork etc. My friend has also always and vocally valued her husband and his contributions and his intelligence and career. They are a true partnership.

If your husband is using his extra time only for himself, then perhaps that is where you need to start these discussions with him vs separating your assets.

Anonymous wrote:DH and I both came from households where our moms made way more money than our dads. My mom made 7 figures (in the 80s!)!and my dad maxed out at 50K. DHs mom made close to 400K, his dad made maybe 30K (and was an academic). Both our parents saw themselves as a team. Our moms careers were prioritized and our dads did more of the soccer dad stuff.

I cannot imagine approaching a marriage any differently. Yes there need to be discussions about one person working more / one person doing more kid or house tasks, but that’s very different from acting like it’s not entirely a joint venture.

You parents were ground breakers! So impressive.

I am 50 and make 7 figures. DH is well under $100k. Similar dynamic - he really steps up. So depressing that there is still a very old fashioned view that men need to make the cash

I am a wife and make 12x what my DH makes. Literally cannot imagine doing this. I would rather just get divorced.

But when we met I was earning no money and he was earning a decent wage. I am just much better at making money than he is.

Anonymous wrote:DH and I both came from households where our moms made way more money than our dads. My mom made 7 figures (in the 80s!)!and my dad maxed out at 50K. DHs mom made close to 400K, his dad made maybe 30K (and was an academic). Both our parents saw themselves as a team. Our moms careers were prioritized and our dads did more of the soccer dad stuff.

I cannot imagine approaching a marriage any differently. Yes there need to be discussions about one person working more / one person doing more kid or house tasks, but that’s very different from acting like it’s not entirely a joint venture.

Ooh, please come back and tell us what your mom did!

Anonymous wrote:NP - didn’t read all comments but in a similar boat to OP and sympathize. My DH was intent on pursuing a lucrative career (biglaw) and I made sacrifices to support our kids and him. That’s a hard path, and when it didn’t work out, he lost motivation yet would still like a relatively comfortable lifestyle. For years I have worked long hours in jobs I didn’t care for, missed family moments I will never get back, and am now very tired. As the breadwinner, I would like to protect my savings if things don’t work out since there is no one on the bench to pinch hit for me. If OP is worried now I don’t think a post nup is crazy.

PP, he did not make partner but what is his position now? Tell me he works, yes? Of counsel, etc.?

Pre-nups are being proactively protective but post-nups are just greedy no matter whuch gender wants them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never do this either. It’s hard to imagine that money is so important to you. It’s not like he’s a deadbeat and not contributing.

It’s very simple - I am going to have to work many years longer than I want to at a job I don’t love to compensate for his prioritizing his own interests over income in order to pay for college and retire comfortably. If either of us decides to leave the marriage, I don’t feel he should get half of the wealth I’ve built making sacrifices he has not made.

How you “feel” is irrelevant. The law views a marriage as an equal economic partnership - income earned, asset appreciation and debts accumulated are totaled up and divided in half, with each party receiving an equal share. You can keep some of “your” money in a separate account, but if you divorce, half of it will still be his.

What I really don’t understand is why you are currently expecting another child with a guy who you feel is not making an adequate financial contribution to the costs of raising children and paying for college? That is really a problem that *you* are responsible for - it is entirely your choice to have another child. If you don’t like the amount and kind of work you have to do to raise the child with the privileges you would like, then you shouldn’t be having the child. If you didn’t have another child, you would have more economic room to change your career and live on less income.

Anonymous wrote:All that money you think you will be saving, you will be spending on bills and childcare. It sounds like your kids are young. Wait until they are older and have sports and you have to tag team with your partner to pick up and drop off your own kid and maybe others to carpool. It is hard enough with a husband. At any given day, Dh is picking up one kid on his way home from work or I get a kid ready and Dh drives kid while I’m making or feeding other kids dinner. It will be hard to do this all solo - pick up and drive multiple kids, make dinner, clean up all by yourself.

The predictable disaster OP is riding for (unless DH's replacement is in the wings) will be $$$, but some people learn the hard way.

This isn't even all about money, is my guess. OP has issues and has projected them all onto DH, it's the kind of black/white splitting thinking that is common with personality disorders, etc. OP will lose half of all assets to DH in court, then have to pay a nanny and other help to fill in when she has the kids 50% of the time. Don't forget to factor in all the therapy the poor kids will need. Anyone cold enough to have another while feeling this way is not right in the head.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

I never said I don’t think our combined HHI (you are spot on, btw) is inadequate, but as we all know and lament, $240k is inadequate if your goal is 2 children and to pay for college and retirement in 2023.

I would love to work a job I liked better and that was less stressful and only make $120k, but it would mean making sacrifices I’m not willing to make (like not paying for college).

I feel my duty to provide for my family comes before my satisfaction in my career, and my husband does not.

And since I’m focused on earning, I’m going to be able to pay for college and then some, and I don’t feel like sharing the “and then some” with the person who put his passion above helping me provide for our kids if our marriage breaks down.

I won’t keep defending myself, but I’ll keep reading the other points of view and reflect on them.

It’s not about sacrifices or passion. Most teachers can’t become principals, most physicians can’t become administrators and most engineers can’t become executives. It requires different skill sets, attitude and personality.

240k is a great HHI, the issue seems to be your expectations. Expectations kill relationships. You are better off divorcing, a post nup will not appease your resentment.

OP doesn’t sound like she is in a loving marriage. Does she want a divorce or planning to get divorced in the future? Sounds like it.

While OP may not think 120k earning DH is contributing, that is probably enough to pay a mortgage and then some. You have a partner to help with drop off and pick up.

OP should not be thinking of a post nup but divorce. You are in this marriage or not. OP sounds like she is not.

Got a sperm donation on the way out the door it seems. Hope this is a troll post. Really does read like a man flipped the genders and wrote something inflammatory. If not, see how 50% single parenting of a baby and young kid impacts your almighty finances, OP.

All that money you think you will be saving, you will be spending on bills and childcare. It sounds like your kids are young. Wait until they are older and have sports and you have to tag team with your partner to pick up and drop off your own kid and maybe others to carpool. It is hard enough with a husband. At any given day, Dh is picking up one kid on his way home from work or I get a kid ready and Dh drives kid while I’m making or feeding other kids dinner. It will be hard to do this all solo - pick up and drive multiple kids, make dinner, clean up all by yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

I never said I don’t think our combined HHI (you are spot on, btw) is inadequate, but as we all know and lament, $240k is inadequate if your goal is 2 children and to pay for college and retirement in 2023.

I would love to work a job I liked better and that was less stressful and only make $120k, but it would mean making sacrifices I’m not willing to make (like not paying for college).

I feel my duty to provide for my family comes before my satisfaction in my career, and my husband does not.

And since I’m focused on earning, I’m going to be able to pay for college and then some, and I don’t feel like sharing the “and then some” with the person who put his passion above helping me provide for our kids if our marriage breaks down.

I won’t keep defending myself, but I’ll keep reading the other points of view and reflect on them.

It’s not about sacrifices or passion. Most teachers can’t become principals, most physicians can’t become administrators and most engineers can’t become executives. It requires different skill sets, attitude and personality.

240k is a great HHI, the issue seems to be your expectations. Expectations kill relationships. You are better off divorcing, a post nup will not appease your resentment.

Seems like she wanted one more kid out of the relationship.

OP, you are headed for divorce. Your contempt for your DH is obvious. If you think this home is giving your kids a good childhood, you are mistaken.

Divorce is going to be far more expensive than therapy. You pick. And he will get half, so you can either work to build a marriage as strong as your financials, or lose both.

OP, you can't be too old if you just had a kid.

You say you don't hate your DH.
Well, as you get older, you will. The seeds are there.

For your purposes (as outlined in the OP: having control of the excess $$ you make and keeping your kids' lives as stable as possible) you would be better off if you split now.

If you wait, you or your DH will probably be tempted by other people, bringing more difficulty into your kids' lives. Contempt doesn't feed a good marriage.

Any spouse who would agree to a postnup limiting the assets they would get is a moron. I would never sign something giving me less than half.

You are a b.

I make more that my H and he is a big spender so I essentially did what you want to do.

He put x and I put Y which was more than his x in a shared account. He kept the rest of his salary which was about $1000/mth to do with what he willed.

I kept the rest of my salary which was about $2000-$3000 in my own accounts but most were interest bearing accounts etc

I’m just planning on buying a beach house with it some day, I’m also retiring at 58 instead of 62..

This essentially gave him a budget because he would just spend all the extra money each month and it drove me crazy if I needed a new car or a vacation there was no money.