Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suicide or OD 90% of the time. If it was a natural 'suddenly' (ie stroke or heart attack) it's usually spelled out to avoid the implications of the aforementioned causes.

Nope. A friend's aunt died last week by choking to death in her home. She was eating and was alone. It was unexpected. Period. MYOB.

Well, you don't even know the woman and you got to find out. I'm sure you were interested in knowing that. I was interested to know that!

Imma chew my food a lot now.

It would be smarter to stop driving.

Anonymous wrote:We know how we got here, and I sure know many birth stories, in fact IG is filled with them in great detail. I want to know how people go out, especially if they aren't 95.

I am reading more and more accounts of humane euthanasia, as people are choosing that for themselves. Also, I've noticed a lot of hospice nurses social media accts talking about death. Death is a very taboo subject, it's almost as if not talking about it means it won't happen, the way we used to whisper " cancer." Death is very natural- we are all going to die. Suicide also shouldn't be hidden because it implied shame, when, in fact, it's an illness just like any illness. I'm all for openness.

, she said while posting anonymously.

Anonymous wrote:Others have no right to know.

Even when a celebrity dies and the family says it was cancer, the next question is then what kind of cancer and did they do anything to cause it.

It isn't the norm in other parts of the world to state the cause of death in detail. You'll often see an obit for a French writer (or example) that will say he died aged 90 in Paris, and no more details than that.

No, you do not have a right to know. Sorry. You don’t get to decide that. The family does. Hope you see lots of obituaries that dissatisfy you. Stay mad.

We know how we got here, and I sure know many birth stories, in fact IG is filled with them in great detail. I want to know how people go out, especially if they aren't 95.

I am reading more and more accounts of humane euthanasia, as people are choosing that for themselves. Also, I've noticed a lot of hospice nurses social media accts talking about death. Death is a very taboo subject, it's almost as if not talking about it means it won't happen, the way we used to whisper " cancer." Death is very natural- we are all going to die. Suicide also shouldn't be hidden because it implied shame, when, in fact, it's an illness just like any illness. I'm all for openness.

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the guy killed himself. Maybe he overdosed on drugs but you'd likley know if the guy was a drugie. So, yeah, he killed himself. Now the question is why.

Are you younger? Do you move in circles where overdoses are common?

I'm older and know a number of people who died suddenly, mostly from cardiac or brain related events. None of these have been from drugs, and only one from suicide - a 75 year old who didn't want to go on living after a disabling stroke.

Others have no right to know.

Even when a celebrity dies and the family says it was cancer, the next question is then what kind of cancer and did they do anything to cause it.

It isn't the norm in other parts of the world to state the cause of death in detail. You'll often see an obit for a French writer (or example) that will say he died aged 90 in Paris, and no more details than that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suicide or OD 90% of the time. If it was a natural 'suddenly' (ie stroke or heart attack) it's usually spelled out to avoid the implications of the aforementioned causes.

Nope. A friend's aunt died last week by choking to death in her home. She was eating and was alone. It was unexpected. Period. MYOB.

Well, you don't even know the woman and you got to find out. I'm sure you were interested in knowing that. I was interested to know that!

Imma chew my food a lot now.

Anonymous wrote:Suicide or OD 90% of the time. If it was a natural 'suddenly' (ie stroke or heart attack) it's usually spelled out to avoid the implications of the aforementioned causes.

Nope. A friend's aunt died last week by choking to death in her home. She was eating and was alone. It was unexpected. Period. MYOB.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP

With the Internet, these days, less is more. All the obit information is printed on multiple websites on the Internet, and it will stay there forever. I could see where before people may give more details in the obituary, but now it seems better and safer to just be vague.

I think all of this needing to know how someone died is an immature response to the fact that death sometimes comes unexpectedly, anyone can die at any moment for no rhyme or reason. One minute you are here, the next you are gone. That’s hard to reconcile but it’s true. Spending so much energy into figuring out how someone died, reasoning that if it was an overdose it was that persons fault, suicide, oh it couldn’t happen to me- that’s just an intense discomfort with death. It’s also intensely lack of empathy and selfish for people who are grieving.

Immature? My dude, telling the story of deaths is one of the most human things we do.

There’s “telling the story” when you are a family member or a close friend and have direct knowledge, and then there is gossiping and speculating and spreading rumors. Gossiping and spreading rumors is a rather human thing to do, but some of us try to do more good than harm in this world.

Why do you struggle so much when something is simply none of your business?

I have a feeling it's the same person who pretends to be an obituary writer who keeps insisting over and over again it's horrible and rude and intrusive to want to know how someone died. Come on, it's one of the most natural human instincts because it shows an interest in our fellow humans, community, family, neighbors. Death rituals and how we approach deaths is among the oldest, if not the oldest, forms of human behaviors. Telling us to MYOB is not the kind thing to do. It's actually distinctly unhuman.

And you are also imposing some sort of weird and ridiculous binary. Apparently if I say quietly to a neighbor upon hearing of a death, "oh, how awful, how did he/she pass away?" I am only a nasty gossiping person? Ironically, by not being more clear on the cause of deaths only leads to more of your dreaded "gossip."

Meanwhile, in the real world, not someone's fictional world of manners in her head, I have parents in their late 70s with a large circle of friends in their 70s into 80s, everyone talks about causes of deaths all the time. It's normal for them.

And that is fine if the family wants to share. But that’s the whole point—the obituary is what the family wants to share publicly. If a neighbor who isn’t super close to the family is talking a few weeks later to the widow or what have you, the widow may choose to share that information even though they aren’t super close. That is where the humanity, the natural connection, comes into the picture. That’s organic, that’s the widow choosing to open up to someone in person. There is a huge difference between those organic conversations and the formal, public, anyone-can-see-it newspaper or funeral home website obituary.

I’m not saying it’s not normal to be curious. I’m saying that most empathetic, emotionally intelligent people understand that an obituary is what the family is choosing to share publicly. If you see a family member or friend in person, you may learn more, but that conversation should be led by those closest to the deceased.

I challenge you to write to Ask Carolyn or any other etiquette expert/advice columnist, pose the questions discussed in this thread, and see what they say.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP

With the Internet, these days, less is more. All the obit information is printed on multiple websites on the Internet, and it will stay there forever. I could see where before people may give more details in the obituary, but now it seems better and safer to just be vague.

I think all of this needing to know how someone died is an immature response to the fact that death sometimes comes unexpectedly, anyone can die at any moment for no rhyme or reason. One minute you are here, the next you are gone. That’s hard to reconcile but it’s true. Spending so much energy into figuring out how someone died, reasoning that if it was an overdose it was that persons fault, suicide, oh it couldn’t happen to me- that’s just an intense discomfort with death. It’s also intensely lack of empathy and selfish for people who are grieving.

Immature? My dude, telling the story of deaths is one of the most human things we do.

There’s “telling the story” when you are a family member or a close friend and have direct knowledge, and then there is gossiping and speculating and spreading rumors. Gossiping and spreading rumors is a rather human thing to do, but some of us try to do more good than harm in this world.

Why do you struggle so much when something is simply none of your business?

I have a feeling it's the same person who pretends to be an obituary writer who keeps insisting over and over again it's horrible and rude and intrusive to want to know how someone died. Come on, it's one of the most natural human instincts because it shows an interest in our fellow humans, community, family, neighbors. Death rituals and how we approach deaths is among the oldest, if not the oldest, forms of human behaviors. Telling us to MYOB is not the kind thing to do. It's actually distinctly unhuman.

And you are also imposing some sort of weird and ridiculous binary. Apparently if I say quietly to a neighbor upon hearing of a death, "oh, how awful, how did he/she pass away?" I am only a nasty gossiping person? Ironically, by not being more clear on the cause of deaths only leads to more of your dreaded "gossip."

Meanwhile, in the real world, not someone's fictional world of manners in her head, I have parents in their late 70s with a large circle of friends in their 70s into 80s, everyone talks about causes of deaths all the time. It's normal for them.

+1000 It's so obvious!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP

With the Internet, these days, less is more. All the obit information is printed on multiple websites on the Internet, and it will stay there forever. I could see where before people may give more details in the obituary, but now it seems better and safer to just be vague.

I think all of this needing to know how someone died is an immature response to the fact that death sometimes comes unexpectedly, anyone can die at any moment for no rhyme or reason. One minute you are here, the next you are gone. That’s hard to reconcile but it’s true. Spending so much energy into figuring out how someone died, reasoning that if it was an overdose it was that persons fault, suicide, oh it couldn’t happen to me- that’s just an intense discomfort with death. It’s also intensely lack of empathy and selfish for people who are grieving.

Immature? My dude, telling the story of deaths is one of the most human things we do.

There’s “telling the story” when you are a family member or a close friend and have direct knowledge, and then there is gossiping and speculating and spreading rumors. Gossiping and spreading rumors is a rather human thing to do, but some of us try to do more good than harm in this world.

Why do you struggle so much when something is simply none of your business?

I have a feeling it's the same person who pretends to be an obituary writer who keeps insisting over and over again it's horrible and rude and intrusive to want to know how someone died. Come on, it's one of the most natural human instincts because it shows an interest in our fellow humans, community, family, neighbors. Death rituals and how we approach deaths is among the oldest, if not the oldest, forms of human behaviors. Telling us to MYOB is not the kind thing to do. It's actually distinctly unhuman.

And you are also imposing some sort of weird and ridiculous binary. Apparently if I say quietly to a neighbor upon hearing of a death, "oh, how awful, how did he/she pass away?" I am only a nasty gossiping person? Ironically, by not being more clear on the cause of deaths only leads to more of your dreaded "gossip."

Meanwhile, in the real world, not someone's fictional world of manners in her head, I have parents in their late 70s with a large circle of friends in their 70s into 80s, everyone talks about causes of deaths all the time. It's normal for them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP

With the Internet, these days, less is more. All the obit information is printed on multiple websites on the Internet, and it will stay there forever. I could see where before people may give more details in the obituary, but now it seems better and safer to just be vague.

I think all of this needing to know how someone died is an immature response to the fact that death sometimes comes unexpectedly, anyone can die at any moment for no rhyme or reason. One minute you are here, the next you are gone. That’s hard to reconcile but it’s true. Spending so much energy into figuring out how someone died, reasoning that if it was an overdose it was that persons fault, suicide, oh it couldn’t happen to me- that’s just an intense discomfort with death. It’s also intensely lack of empathy and selfish for people who are grieving.

Immature? My dude, telling the story of deaths is one of the most human things we do.

There’s “telling the story” when you are a family member or a close friend and have direct knowledge, and then there is gossiping and speculating and spreading rumors. Gossiping and spreading rumors is a rather human thing to do, but some of us try to do more good than harm in this world.

Why do you struggle so much when something is simply none of your business?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP

With the Internet, these days, less is more. All the obit information is printed on multiple websites on the Internet, and it will stay there forever. I could see where before people may give more details in the obituary, but now it seems better and safer to just be vague.

I think all of this needing to know how someone died is an immature response to the fact that death sometimes comes unexpectedly, anyone can die at any moment for no rhyme or reason. One minute you are here, the next you are gone. That’s hard to reconcile but it’s true. Spending so much energy into figuring out how someone died, reasoning that if it was an overdose it was that persons fault, suicide, oh it couldn’t happen to me- that’s just an intense discomfort with death. It’s also intensely lack of empathy and selfish for people who are grieving.

Immature? My dude, telling the story of deaths is one of the most human things we do.

Obviously the guy killed himself. Maybe he overdosed on drugs but you'd likley know if the guy was a drugie. So, yeah, he killed himself. Now the question is why.

Anonymous wrote:NP

With the Internet, these days, less is more. All the obit information is printed on multiple websites on the Internet, and it will stay there forever. I could see where before people may give more details in the obituary, but now it seems better and safer to just be vague.

I think all of this needing to know how someone died is an immature response to the fact that death sometimes comes unexpectedly, anyone can die at any moment for no rhyme or reason. One minute you are here, the next you are gone. That’s hard to reconcile but it’s true. Spending so much energy into figuring out how someone died, reasoning that if it was an overdose it was that persons fault, suicide, oh it couldn’t happen to me- that’s just an intense discomfort with death. It’s also intensely lack of empathy and selfish for people who are grieving.