I have this sibling. It’s been I think 5 years since we last spoke. I fully understood when you said there’s always some reason you need to apologize. My brother is the same way. I have apologized time and time again for perceived slights yet every time I turned around there was a new one I was unaware of. I have apologized to keep the peace after having verbal abuse hurled at me. I have apologized for things I didn’t do. I have apologized for how he feels our childhood ruined his whole life. It’s never good enough. And it’s not just me. He’s similarly burned bridges with most of our family, his wife’s family, friends, neighbors, business partners…

I gave up too, but I also still think it’s sad. I would love to have a normal healthy sibling relationship but we cannot. I feel jealous of people close to their brothers. I mourn not ever having had that, not him specifically.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I fail to understand is why do you feel your sister owes you a relationship beyond what she’s given you? Why do you feel entitled to her time or energy? Just because you’re sisters? Sometimes that’s not enough. Sometimes personalities clash and as adults you get to choose who you want to be connected to. Why is that not enough for you?

I’m not close to one sibling. We see each other during family gatherings a few times a year and are cordial, but beyond that I have no interest in her life. At all. She is who she is and I accept that. I am who I am and don’t make any apologies for being me. And no, I don’t think it’s unfortunate because we both have full but separate lives. And for me, that’s ok.

Where did OP say her sister owed her? She wants a sister, a close family member. Is this not normal in your eye? Did you burst out of a rock instead of your mother's womb?

DP here. It sounds mostly as if OP is mourning the sister she never had. OP's sister is not going to magically become a warm, selfless person. If it were me, I would just accumulate other people in those areas of my life.

DP with an estranged older sister who is a huge narcissist and bully. We “got along” as long as I put up with her bullying and abuse. She was pretty horrible. Sometimes she locked us younger siblings out the house because she was angry at us. We were in middle and elementary school. Who does that? An narcissist and/ or sociopath. It was exhausting to placate her all the time.

She stopped talking to me and being my “friend” the day I stood up to her and said I wasn’t putting up with her bullying.
I do wish I had a close sister, but there was a cost to maintaining that relationship and I don’t miss her on a day to day basis.

Anonymous wrote:For people saying not to contact my sister when I'm in town, I don't think that was the right thing to do, either. If I'm in town, and I'm at a huge gathering where other mutual family and friends will see me, then my sister would have reason to be upset, that I didn't contact her.

Does it matter if she is upset? Is there any pleasing your sister?

Anonymous wrote:Nobody cuts off a close family member without good reason. Nobody.

When you hurt people, don't expect to get away with it indefinitely.

+1

NP here. Wondering why this old thread was revived?

Anyway, OP you have to know who is good for you and who is bad for you, in life. Your sister is not good for you, and life is too short. Sounds simplistic but it is true. For example, can your sister be happy if you had something good happen to you? Probably not. If you are the younger sibling, your sister may have really had a hard time trying to accept that she is no longer the baby of the family. Some people are like that, some people carry that with them throughout life. It is not your issue. If your sister was favored, ask yourself, would you want to be her? Really? I would not.

Continue living your best life, and surround yourself with positive. When you go back home to visit, call up your old friends and tell them you are in town. You would be surprised how fun and validating it can be to surround yourself who knew you when. I know people who have beach houses in their home state, and they have non stop visits from their childhood (and school and work and beyond) friends.

Not saying you should buy a beach house, but spending time with people who love and appreciate and don't carry contempt for you (or anyone, really) is priceless. Make it a habitual practice. Learn to join groups and cultivate friends at work and in groups here, too. There are nice people everywhere. Nice people don't exclude you, talk crap about you, and treat you like your sister treats you. If you are worried about whom your sister talks to - do you really think that your mutual friends and family don't know the truth? They most certainly do.

Your sister might be someone who does not know how to be happy, and she takes that out on you. She also seems to be selfish, and try to demean and underestimate you - that is to your advantage, use it. Let her talk. If you haven't seen her in so long, what difference does it make? Do you think you are missing out on something? If it is not a positive experience when you see her, she does not appreciate you, you have nothing in common - then you are missing nothing, and your relationship really does not matter.

She is not the type who can be happy for others, that should be all you need to know. She may feel threatened by you - your presence, your successes, anything she conjures up. No loss on your end. Those are her issues, OP. You have nothing to apologize for, from what you have mentioned.

Anonymous wrote:"What happened? What difference does it really make? I was born. She didn't like me from the moment I was born. Isn't that ever really a possible reason? Why does there actually have to be any other reason?"

Well, usually there is. The fact that you won't disclose what it is says a lot.

Shut up. I know people who have siblings who just don’t like them because they exist. I’ve seen it in my family, I’ve seen it with kids, I’ve seen it in my own family.
There are people out there like that, there just is.

As a sibling of two younger sisters, who I hardly talk to either now I feel your pain, but I also see your strength. You don’t owe your sister an apology for anything. Just like I don’t owe mine. They chose their path, now we choose ours. Unfortunately, family doesn’t mean forever, and who you surround yourself with now is what matters. There are lots of support groups/activity groups for people like us. I wish you peace and happiness, I hope you find what you’re truly seeking.

Anonymous wrote:What I fail to understand is why do you feel your sister owes you a relationship beyond what she’s given you? Why do you feel entitled to her time or energy? Just because you’re sisters? Sometimes that’s not enough. Sometimes personalities clash and as adults you get to choose who you want to be connected to. Why is that not enough for you?

I’m not close to one sibling. We see each other during family gatherings a few times a year and are cordial, but beyond that I have no interest in her life. At all. She is who she is and I accept that. I am who I am and don’t make any apologies for being me. And no, I don’t think it’s unfortunate because we both have full but separate lives. And for me, that’s ok.

Where did OP say her sister owed her? She wants a sister, a close family member. Is this not normal in your eye? Did you burst out of a rock instead of your mother's womb?