Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for all of my brother’s law school and a couple years later I got a full scholarship for my grad school, they didn’t ever give me a similar amount because I didn’t need it. This has never caused any problems between us, we both have more than we need.

Because that is what nice normal people do. They don't keep track of "who got what" in their family.

You’re saying a gift of one million dollars to a sibling (who was already umc) wouldn’t register with you? I don’t believe that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm interested in what others think of this scenario. Parents are in their 80s and have 3 adult kids, all professionals, married, and doing well. Two of the children, with their spouses, are doing very well financially. The third has a job in the church and their spouse has a well-paying professional job - they are doing fine financially but clearly not as well as the other children. When that child (who also has some health problems) moved to take a new job in the church, they wanted to live in a large house in the most desirable neighborhood of a large city, have their kids attend the best private schools, etc. but couldn't afford to do so (this would be a living standard above that of the other two siblings). As a result, the parents decided to gift $1 million of their estate early to that child. They told one of the other children about it at the time but did not tell the other (presumably to avoid the difficult conversation). Several years later, this has all come to light and it is awkward. The parents' position is that nothing will be done to even things out (now or later) as this gift was for "need". Thoughts? Advice?

They've a right to use their money as and when they see fit.

It’s not a question if their right-obviously it’s their right! I don’t think there is any suggestion op is going to try to strong arm the money out of them. People are allowed to have opinions, though, and I think 99% of people would in this situation.

+10000. Why is it impossible for some people to move beyond the “it’s their $$” argument. Yes, it is their money. But most of us grow up with a keen sense of fairness. Many companies disclose pay equity data because as a society the idea of two people doing roughly the same job and one getting person getting paid more than the other to do that job is intrinsically upsetting. Yes, one person may have spent more time in the workforce, or be a man, or have a family, etc. but to many that doesn’t justify a pay gap. For me, the same logic applies to inheritances outside of a sibling having a disability that would curtail their earnings or necessitate care - in which case I believe special provisions should be made. Anything that deviates from that just smacks of favoritism. If you can afford to give one kid $1M, why can’t you afford to give each kid $300K? Why can’t you ask all your kids what they would prefer instead of offering a life changing option to only one child? And getting an inheritance early can be meaningful. Sure, millions of dollars at 60 or 65 is amazing, but what it you die of cancer at 57? What if you would have worked less and spent more time with your family but didn’t have the option because you needed to pay bills- bills your sibling didn’t need to worry about?

Yes, it smacks of favoritism, but you don't know any of the "behind the scenes" going ons. What if that sibling has helped the parent with various items? What if that sibling calls the parent every week or comes over to run errands/fix things around the house/etc and the others only call when they want something? We really don't know why the parent wants to help one kid more than the others.

Also, where did you grow up with "a keen sense of fairness"? I grew up LMC. Was it fair that kids in HS drove brand new fancy cars when I was just lucky to drive the car with no heat (we lived in a cold climate) or that just for kicks I would need friends to push so I could pop the clutch and start the damn car at times. Was it fair in college when people would go to the movies and out to dinner all in the same weekend, yet I could only afford one and sometime neither that weekend and/or I might be doing HW or working 10 hours at my job to pay tuition?

So yes, our goal as parents should be to be as "fair as possible" to our kids, but ultimately once they are adults, they need to earn that "fair treatment"---if one kid treats you1000x better than the other, you might be more inclined to help them. Heck as a kid I learned that if you wrote thank you notes quickly to grandparents/aunts/uncles/etc for gifts, you were much more likely to receive more gifts (and when you live at a distance, the gifts back then normally meant cash or a check). Took my siblings a bit longer to learn that a simple thank you note for xmas gift meant you might get a V-day or St Patty day card with some cash.

Gross. They taught you about how strings are attached to money for lots of people.

No, it’s gross. I love all three of my kids equally and would never give a larger inheritance to a kid who called me more. Your kids probably hate you - even the kid that checks in on you. They’ve just learned you’re transactional and that’s what they need to do in order to get $, love, approval, etc. from you.

The parents are certainly very religious and did what a good Christian would do. Give more to those that need it the most. That's what Jesus would do.

I think you need to re-read the bible if you think Jesus is all about spending $1 million to live in a more expensive neighborhood…

Anonymous wrote:Twice in our family estates (and potential estates) have been handled unequally, and I think it does breed issues. My father's parents principally left their estate and house to one of their three children, and this led to lasting issues.

My DH's mother has largely liquidated in favor of one of his siblings, and sold her house to her in a sweetheart deal. Having recently been going through the assisted living process with my own mother, I am not at all confident after 10K a month payments that there will be much of an estate left.

I think the parents in these situations think there is a particularly good reason why they are favoring one sibling, and in cases like disability, single parenthood, etc. they might be right. In more typical cases though I think equal distribution leads to better family outcomes.

Anonymous wrote:Why is OP talking about this as an early inheritance? It's a gift, because the parents are still alive, and it's not OP's money yet.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm interested in what others think of this scenario. Parents are in their 80s and have 3 adult kids, all professionals, married, and doing well. Two of the children, with their spouses, are doing very well financially. The third has a job in the church and their spouse has a well-paying professional job - they are doing fine financially but clearly not as well as the other children. When that child (who also has some health problems) moved to take a new job in the church, they wanted to live in a large house in the most desirable neighborhood of a large city, have their kids attend the best private schools, etc. but couldn't afford to do so (this would be a living standard above that of the other two siblings). As a result, the parents decided to gift $1 million of their estate early to that child. They told one of the other children about it at the time but did not tell the other (presumably to avoid the difficult conversation). Several years later, this has all come to light and it is awkward. The parents' position is that nothing will be done to even things out (now or later) as this gift was for "need". Thoughts? Advice?

They've a right to use their money as and when they see fit.

It’s not a question if their right-obviously it’s their right! I don’t think there is any suggestion op is going to try to strong arm the money out of them. People are allowed to have opinions, though, and I think 99% of people would in this situation.

+10000. Why is it impossible for some people to move beyond the “it’s their $$” argument. Yes, it is their money. But most of us grow up with a keen sense of fairness. Many companies disclose pay equity data because as a society the idea of two people doing roughly the same job and one getting person getting paid more than the other to do that job is intrinsically upsetting. Yes, one person may have spent more time in the workforce, or be a man, or have a family, etc. but to many that doesn’t justify a pay gap. For me, the same logic applies to inheritances outside of a sibling having a disability that would curtail their earnings or necessitate care - in which case I believe special provisions should be made. Anything that deviates from that just smacks of favoritism. If you can afford to give one kid $1M, why can’t you afford to give each kid $300K? Why can’t you ask all your kids what they would prefer instead of offering a life changing option to only one child? And getting an inheritance early can be meaningful. Sure, millions of dollars at 60 or 65 is amazing, but what it you die of cancer at 57? What if you would have worked less and spent more time with your family but didn’t have the option because you needed to pay bills- bills your sibling didn’t need to worry about?

Yes, it smacks of favoritism, but you don't know any of the "behind the scenes" going ons. What if that sibling has helped the parent with various items? What if that sibling calls the parent every week or comes over to run errands/fix things around the house/etc and the others only call when they want something? We really don't know why the parent wants to help one kid more than the others.

Also, where did you grow up with "a keen sense of fairness"? I grew up LMC. Was it fair that kids in HS drove brand new fancy cars when I was just lucky to drive the car with no heat (we lived in a cold climate) or that just for kicks I would need friends to push so I could pop the clutch and start the damn car at times. Was it fair in college when people would go to the movies and out to dinner all in the same weekend, yet I could only afford one and sometime neither that weekend and/or I might be doing HW or working 10 hours at my job to pay tuition?

So yes, our goal as parents should be to be as "fair as possible" to our kids, but ultimately once they are adults, they need to earn that "fair treatment"---if one kid treats you1000x better than the other, you might be more inclined to help them. Heck as a kid I learned that if you wrote thank you notes quickly to grandparents/aunts/uncles/etc for gifts, you were much more likely to receive more gifts (and when you live at a distance, the gifts back then normally meant cash or a check). Took my siblings a bit longer to learn that a simple thank you note for xmas gift meant you might get a V-day or St Patty day card with some cash.

Gross. They taught you about how strings are attached to money for lots of people.

No, it’s gross. I love all three of my kids equally and would never give a larger inheritance to a kid who called me more. Your kids probably hate you - even the kid that checks in on you. They’ve just learned you’re transactional and that’s what they need to do in order to get $, love, approval, etc. from you.

The parents are certainly very religious and did what a good Christian would do. Give more to those that need it the most. That's what Jesus would do.

Anonymous wrote:Why is OP talking about this as an early inheritance? It's a gift, because the parents are still alive, and it's not OP's money yet.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for all of my brother’s law school and a couple years later I got a full scholarship for my grad school, they didn’t ever give me a similar amount because I didn’t need it. This has never caused any problems between us, we both have more than we need.

Because that is what nice normal people do. They don't keep track of "who got what" in their family.

You’re saying a gift of one million dollars to a sibling (who was already umc) wouldn’t register with you? I don’t believe that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for all of my brother’s law school and a couple years later I got a full scholarship for my grad school, they didn’t ever give me a similar amount because I didn’t need it. This has never caused any problems between us, we both have more than we need.

Because that is what nice normal people do. They don't keep track of "who got what" in their family.

I think everyone in this story is more than UMC. Much more.

You’re saying a gift of one million dollars to a sibling (who was already umc) wouldn’t register with you? I don’t believe that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for all of my brother’s law school and a couple years later I got a full scholarship for my grad school, they didn’t ever give me a similar amount because I didn’t need it. This has never caused any problems between us, we both have more than we need.

Because that is what nice normal people do. They don't keep track of "who got what" in their family.

You’re saying a gift of one million dollars to a sibling (who was already umc) wouldn’t register with you? I don’t believe that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm interested in what others think of this scenario. Parents are in their 80s and have 3 adult kids, all professionals, married, and doing well. Two of the children, with their spouses, are doing very well financially. The third has a job in the church and their spouse has a well-paying professional job - they are doing fine financially but clearly not as well as the other children. When that child (who also has some health problems) moved to take a new job in the church, they wanted to live in a large house in the most desirable neighborhood of a large city, have their kids attend the best private schools, etc. but couldn't afford to do so (this would be a living standard above that of the other two siblings). As a result, the parents decided to gift $1 million of their estate early to that child. They told one of the other children about it at the time but did not tell the other (presumably to avoid the difficult conversation). Several years later, this has all come to light and it is awkward. The parents' position is that nothing will be done to even things out (now or later) as this gift was for "need". Thoughts? Advice?

They've a right to use their money as and when they see fit.

It’s not a question if their right-obviously it’s their right! I don’t think there is any suggestion op is going to try to strong arm the money out of them. People are allowed to have opinions, though, and I think 99% of people would in this situation.

+10000. Why is it impossible for some people to move beyond the “it’s their $$” argument. Yes, it is their money. But most of us grow up with a keen sense of fairness. Many companies disclose pay equity data because as a society the idea of two people doing roughly the same job and one getting person getting paid more than the other to do that job is intrinsically upsetting. Yes, one person may have spent more time in the workforce, or be a man, or have a family, etc. but to many that doesn’t justify a pay gap. For me, the same logic applies to inheritances outside of a sibling having a disability that would curtail their earnings or necessitate care - in which case I believe special provisions should be made. Anything that deviates from that just smacks of favoritism. If you can afford to give one kid $1M, why can’t you afford to give each kid $300K? Why can’t you ask all your kids what they would prefer instead of offering a life changing option to only one child? And getting an inheritance early can be meaningful. Sure, millions of dollars at 60 or 65 is amazing, but what it you die of cancer at 57? What if you would have worked less and spent more time with your family but didn’t have the option because you needed to pay bills- bills your sibling didn’t need to worry about?

Yes, it smacks of favoritism, but you don't know any of the "behind the scenes" going ons. What if that sibling has helped the parent with various items? What if that sibling calls the parent every week or comes over to run errands/fix things around the house/etc and the others only call when they want something? We really don't know why the parent wants to help one kid more than the others.

Also, where did you grow up with "a keen sense of fairness"? I grew up LMC. Was it fair that kids in HS drove brand new fancy cars when I was just lucky to drive the car with no heat (we lived in a cold climate) or that just for kicks I would need friends to push so I could pop the clutch and start the damn car at times. Was it fair in college when people would go to the movies and out to dinner all in the same weekend, yet I could only afford one and sometime neither that weekend and/or I might be doing HW or working 10 hours at my job to pay tuition?

So yes, our goal as parents should be to be as "fair as possible" to our kids, but ultimately once they are adults, they need to earn that "fair treatment"---if one kid treats you1000x better than the other, you might be more inclined to help them. Heck as a kid I learned that if you wrote thank you notes quickly to grandparents/aunts/uncles/etc for gifts, you were much more likely to receive more gifts (and when you live at a distance, the gifts back then normally meant cash or a check). Took my siblings a bit longer to learn that a simple thank you note for xmas gift meant you might get a V-day or St Patty day card with some cash.

Gross. They taught you about how strings are attached to money for lots of people.

No, it’s gross. I love all three of my kids equally and would never give a larger inheritance to a kid who called me more. Your kids probably hate you - even the kid that checks in on you. They’ve just learned you’re transactional and that’s what they need to do in order to get $, love, approval, etc. from you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for all of my brother’s law school and a couple years later I got a full scholarship for my grad school, they didn’t ever give me a similar amount because I didn’t need it. This has never caused any problems between us, we both have more than we need.

Because that is what nice normal people do. They don't keep track of "who got what" in their family.

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for all of my brother’s law school and a couple years later I got a full scholarship for my grad school, they didn’t ever give me a similar amount because I didn’t need it. This has never caused any problems between us, we both have more than we need.