Anonymous
Post 04/23/2023 16:28     Subject: Wife has a lazy, procrastinator streak
Anonymous wrote:Early 30s. My spouse has a habit of not following through on stuff. She'll say stuff out of the blue like "oh we should wake up early and go for runs in the AM", "oh we should do X more often", "oh I need to remember to mail this form in", "oh I need to remember to cancel X this week", and then she forgets about it or does nothing to actually see things to the end. When I ask her nicely about it she gets angry or frustrated.

There were some pretty bad codependency and boundary issues with her parents that we've addressed via marriage counseling that I think have something to do with it, where even in married adulthood she'd fall into the helpless young child role and let strong and smart mom and dad basically do things and make all decisions for her.

Most recently there were some old paper bonds in her name she received as baptism gifts in the 90s. Today they're worth ~$2500. There's a Treasury form you need to print, get notarized, and mail in. Treasury direct deposits the proceeds. That's pretty much it. Her mom handed over the bonds in January 2022. She needs me to drive her to the bank because she doesn't feel comfortable driving in the city. Notary has to be BoA because they're free to their cardholders and she doesn't want to pay a fee for a notary.

In early 2022 I asked if she has downtime can she call BoA and get a notary appointment. She forgets to call. I ask her a week later. She forgets again and there's an argument because I'm "impatient" and she will handle it. Fast forward a full year, I say "hey maybe we should cash the bonds so we can invest them rather than just $2500 sitting in unusable paper form". She promises to call but forgets again. I ask her again 2 weeks later and same cycle, argument because I'm impatient and she will handle it.

I'd love to just take care of it myself (which is what typically ends up happening), but the bonds are not in my name and I can't call BoA and impersonate her to make a notary appointment. This is just the most recent example. I try to be patient but sometimes it just feels like I'm dealing with a child rather than an equal partner.


She should get screened for ADHD.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2023 15:46     Subject: Re:Wife has a lazy, procrastinator streak
It’s really too hard to tell on these items. The bonds are just not an urgent thing. The running? I don’t know. Does she exercise in a different way? It’s the exercise that is important. None of these are regular must do tasks. Are there every day tasks that are problematic? Do you have kids? This is not a divorce worthy thing. In the slightest. She’s not mean. She’s not a bad mom. She’s not a bad wife. She didn’t cash some bonds? It’s unclear whether she is in shape or not. I guess I don’t really see you finding better. Someone who gets bonds in might be more critical. Or might not want you to keep up with your hobby because budgets. There really is too little information here to know what’s going on much less end a marriage
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2023 14:35     Subject: Wife has a lazy, procrastinator streak
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It’s called ADHD.


Would it be called that if it were the husband? Or man child?

Do not have a kid, unless you can afford and can manage a nanny and housekeeper
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2023 14:33     Subject: Wife has a lazy, procrastinator streak
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It’s called never growing up.

Besides, if it was ADHd, tell your GP and try a stimulant for two weeks. She would know, and so would you, if she’s able to focus better, follow conversations, finish tasks, etc.

Does she already self medicate with a ton of coffee and soda throughout the day to focus? If so, that’s telling.


That’s not how that works.


DP. That worked for us whilst we were on a 12 month waiting list for our 9yo. The stimulant totally helped and that confirmed an ADHD combo diagnosis by our pediatrician and the Vanderbilt survey. The later neuropsych did as well but we had a 9+ head start on treatment and better behavior, school earning, and child confidence.
Had the first couple stimulus Rx not worked, high functioning autism would have been penciled in to watch for.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2023 14:22     Subject: Wife has a lazy, procrastinator streak
I’d be worried that she’d fail to do things like fill out disability paperwork say after a job injury or fill out paperwork to renew her driver’s licence, things that you can’t do for her, but if they don’t get done, your family life is dramatically impacted. In some ways, op, you’re lucky you’re experiencing this now, the money doesn’t matter, but the failure to act, either by saying “No” or by going to get it, might just be a deal breaker for me. She’s already being weird about the bonds, (this could be notarized at any library or any BOA in the country.. yet she just isn’t, and what is surprising is how many of you are buying her bulls***. She already has proven she won’t go running with her husband, so she won’t follow through on things they enjoy, little things that you can look at and say “today sure sucked but wow am I glad I’m married to you” and she won’t do the bigger items like boring paperwork all of us adults have to do, paperwork that at some point or other will impact op in a very direct way. At some point, the op is going to wonder why he’s married to her, you can’t fail to act in life. You ladies like to say “It’s not the 1950’s” whenever a guy wants to do something you don’t like, yet I’ve never seen anybody say “It’s not the 1950’s, time to get off my dead behind and get this done”.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2023 08:40     Subject: Wife has a lazy, procrastinator streak
Anonymous wrote:It’s called never growing up.

Besides, if it was ADHd, tell your GP and try a stimulant for two weeks. She would know, and so would you, if she’s able to focus better, follow conversations, finish tasks, etc.

Does she already self medicate with a ton of coffee and soda throughout the day to focus? If so, that’s telling.


That’s not how that works.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2023 07:22     Subject: Wife has a lazy, procrastinator streak
It’s called never growing up.

Besides, if it was ADHd, tell your GP and try a stimulant for two weeks. She would know, and so would you, if she’s able to focus better, follow conversations, finish tasks, etc.

Does she already self medicate with a ton of coffee and soda throughout the day to focus? If so, that’s telling.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2023 02:29     Subject: Wife has a lazy, procrastinator streak
Anonymous wrote:It’s called ADHD.


No. A minority of people have ADHD. Many people are avoidant and lazy without ADHD.

-person with ADHD
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2023 02:25     Subject: Wife has a lazy, procrastinator streak
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Let. It. Go.
You are arguing /harping on this for over a year? Drop it. Maybe she doesn't want to hand that over to you, maybe she just doesn't think it's important, maybe she keeps forgetting. Who knows. Either way, she is making a choice not to do it - you may not think that's the right choice, but it's her choice.


It's almost 3k, you must be doing well if that's "forget about it" pocket change for you.


I had the same thought. You don't "let it go" when it is real money being wasted.


I think the wife is avoiding commingling. Especially if their finances are such that this is real money, it’s probably a smart move.


No way. Someone for whom $2,500 is real money doesn't know the laws regarding commingling and divorce -- or probably even what the word "commingling" means.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2023 00:13     Subject: Wife has a lazy, procrastinator streak
Dude…. Man here. I feel your pain. After how many years — she’s not going to change. Really. That sucks. You are condemned to a lifetime of dealing with this sh*t. So am I. Now what? You aren’t perfect either. So, what are her strengths and how can you lean into those? Can she do all the laundry while you do the dishes? Can she do the taxes while you handle the home remodel? It ain’t right or fair or perfect — but it can still work and so it goes…
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2023 22:43     Subject: Wife has a lazy, procrastinator streak
Update op?
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2023 22:23     Subject: Wife has a lazy, procrastinator streak
Anonymous wrote:Early 30s. My spouse has a habit of not following through on stuff. She'll say stuff out of the blue like "oh we should wake up early and go for runs in the AM", "oh we should do X more often", "oh I need to remember to mail this form in", "oh I need to remember to cancel X this week", and then she forgets about it or does nothing to actually see things to the end. When I ask her nicely about it she gets angry or frustrated.

There were some pretty bad codependency and boundary issues with her parents that we've addressed via marriage counseling that I think have something to do with it, where even in married adulthood she'd fall into the helpless young child role and let strong and smart mom and dad basically do things and make all decisions for her.

Most recently there were some old paper bonds in her name she received as baptism gifts in the 90s. Today they're worth ~$2500. There's a Treasury form you need to print, get notarized, and mail in. Treasury direct deposits the proceeds. That's pretty much it. Her mom handed over the bonds in January 2022. She needs me to drive her to the bank because she doesn't feel comfortable driving in the city. Notary has to be BoA because they're free to their cardholders and she doesn't want to pay a fee for a notary.

In early 2022 I asked if she has downtime can she call BoA and get a notary appointment. She forgets to call. I ask her a week later. She forgets again and there's an argument because I'm "impatient" and she will handle it. Fast forward a full year, I say "hey maybe we should cash the bonds so we can invest them rather than just $2500 sitting in unusable paper form". She promises to call but forgets again. I ask her again 2 weeks later and same cycle, argument because I'm impatient and she will handle it.

I'd love to just take care of it myself (which is what typically ends up happening), but the bonds are not in my name and I can't call BoA and impersonate her to make a notary appointment. This is just the most recent example. I try to be patient but sometimes it just feels like I'm dealing with a child rather than an equal partner.


How hot was your wife when you married her?
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2023 21:10     Subject: Wife has a lazy, procrastinator streak
Anonymous wrote:Don’t car insurance agencies charge more for untreated ADHD people than treated ADHD people or non-ADHD peoole due to accident rates?


Auto insurance would not have health questions.
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2023 21:07     Subject: Wife has a lazy, procrastinator streak
Haha, def deny denting it too.
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2023 21:06     Subject: Wife has a lazy, procrastinator streak
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Don’t car insurance agencies charge more for untreated ADHD people than treated ADHD people or non-ADHD peoole due to accident rates?


Untreated ADHD doesn't automatically mean accidents. ??


Many adhd teens don’t even want to try to get a license. Maybe the previous generation was unaware of their driving anxiety and difficulties.


Because the legal issues with accidents are out of control and there are too many ways of transportation to deal with now. It's not just cars. It's people, bicycles etc. All over.


I think back to how accidents in the past just happened. They were called accidents. Now you dent someone's car and you could be sued for thousands.


You cannot be sued for $1000s for denying someone’s car.
Stay on topic.

Adhd and procrastinating; how to help Op and their family.

If the bond is no longer generating interest at all, cash it in and reallocate it to something return generating. Or buy something nice. Or 50/50, spend and invest. Sometimes setting goals or making lists is motivating to reach them.a call to action!