Didn’t you say that your dh took the host’s shift bc that is what the prior boss did? So it sounds like the prior boss knew it was a party only for the staff (to use a non-military term) and that he and his family should not attend. The fact that your dh RSVP’d in the first place was likely a faux pas (stemming from the fact that he used to be staff and attended the party years ago). Yes, the email was rude but they are letting you know of the norms in the unit - the boss is not included (for all of the reasons the pp’s said).

Can you try to get involved at your kids’ school? Get a part-time job? Volunteer? Reach out to other unit head spouses?

It isn’t personal - it is your dh’s position.

How do you uninvited the boss’s wife? What words do you use exactly? “Thank you for taking my shift, Bob. Since you can’t come to the party, we really think it’s best if Larla and the kids don’t come either.”

Can you host first 5 people to respond to DCUM? Then you have your interaction.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, that was rude of them but it' sounds like it's better if you don't go.

Obviously I won't. But it was going to be a breath of fresh air after a long while of loneliness, and I was looking forward to it.

Maybe make friends with others? It’s hard to rely on your husband’s direct reports for social interaction because that’s not a level playing field.

I think the point that is being missed is that they were part of the unit in the past. These might even be some of their former friends. However, now they are back, but he is the boss. Unfortunately, interacting with these folks won't be the same when DH is in command. I'm sorry you are being pushed out. I hope you are able to make new/ Better friends.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, that was rude of them but it' sounds like it's better if you don't go.

Obviously I won't. But it was going to be a breath of fresh air after a long while of loneliness, and I was looking forward to it.

Maybe make friends with others? It’s hard to rely on your husband’s direct reports for social interaction because that’s not a level playing field.

Easier said than done if she has moved around for the marriage and not working due to children …

I think most of us get that, PP. Most of us also get how extremely messy it could get to be besties with someone your spouse supervises or to be part of a clique whose spouses all report to your husband. The relationships aren’t equal, no matter how much you might want them to be. This event that the OP wants to go to isn’t even neutral, like an on-base bowling league or crafts group. If I understand this correctly, it’s completely comprised of people who report to her husband and their families.

Imagine every problematic friendship you or your kids have ever had. Then add: Plus, her husband/ their dad is your boss. Cordially friendly stuff is great. Relationships that go beyond that might end up at best stressful for everyone involved.

If he’s their boss, then it’s awkward to have his wife there. But they should assume you’d not come instead of uninviting you. And if you came anyway, they should just be gracious. If you were equals in this social group, went away for a bit and came back as the boss and the boss’ wife, then the social dynamics have changed. Maybe not as far as you’re considered, but for them.

They’re rude regardless and I’m sorry.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, that was rude of them but it' sounds like it's better if you don't go.

Obviously I won't. But it was going to be a breath of fresh air after a long while of loneliness, and I was looking forward to it.

Maybe make friends with others? It’s hard to rely on your husband’s direct reports for social interaction because that’s not a level playing field.

Easier said than done if she has moved around for the marriage and not working due to children …

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, that was rude of them but it' sounds like it's better if you don't go.

Obviously I won't. But it was going to be a breath of fresh air after a long while of loneliness, and I was looking forward to it.

Maybe make friends with others? It’s hard to rely on your husband’s direct reports for social interaction because that’s not a level playing field.

Sounds like a jerk move to me. But, I always thought the military has very sexist elements.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what did the email ACTUALLY say? did it say "since bob is working the shift now, sally and the kids are no longer invited either"?

+1 I need to know the text of this email!

"Unfortunately, for capacity reasons, we've made the difficult decision to cut back on the attendees of the 2023 [Unit] Super Bowl party. I appreciate your willingness to [slang] for [person] in order for him to host, but because of the space limitations, it would be best if you conveyed our disappointment to Mrs. Smith that we won't be able to host her and kids this time around."

Maybe it truly was a space thing. But it seemed like such odd timing.

this is so incredibly hostile that I would wonder if something else is going on with your DH’s work and he’s going to be fired or involved in some kind of dispute. didn’t your DH have anything to say?

Just reminded me not to say anything to anyone about it out of concern for my own reputation - which I wouldn't dare!

I don’t understand this at all. Something else is going on.

I agree. I knew of husbands who lied to their wives about events when I was a military wife. One guy would tell his wife that no spouses were invited to a happy hour. I accidentally spilled the beans when I was chatting with her later and said I was sorry to have missed her at the last event. I suspect things did not go well at their house that night!

Why did he not want his spouse there?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what did the email ACTUALLY say? did it say "since bob is working the shift now, sally and the kids are no longer invited either"?

+1 I need to know the text of this email!

"Unfortunately, for capacity reasons, we've made the difficult decision to cut back on the attendees of the 2023 [Unit] Super Bowl party. I appreciate your willingness to [slang] for [person] in order for him to host, but because of the space limitations, it would be best if you conveyed our disappointment to Mrs. Smith that we won't be able to host her and kids this time around."

Maybe it truly was a space thing. But it seemed like such odd timing.

this is so incredibly hostile that I would wonder if something else is going on with your DH’s work and he’s going to be fired or involved in some kind of dispute. didn’t your DH have anything to say?

Just reminded me not to say anything to anyone about it out of concern for my own reputation - which I wouldn't dare!

I don’t understand this at all. Something else is going on.

Sounds like you don't understand the culture. Wives don't make waves.

I don’t understand the DH for allowing it, and then telling his wife it cannot even be mentioned. I think DH is hiding something. I think he did not want her there and planned it this way.

Military wives aren't allowed to complain. Yes, even in 2023.

Anonymous wrote:Dumb question OP.

As you said your DH is military is he an officer and the party is with all enlisted families? If this is the case the disinvite is nothing personal as that social interacting gets tricky.

Now if he is just higher up the enlisted chain then I think this reflects very poorly on him. Either the others dislike him or he is a weak leader--not a great look for the military.

OP said there was no question. Try reading.

Anonymous wrote:Since OP was included on the email I honestly would be tempted to respond "Dear xxx, For the record, that email is breathtakingly rude. Not to worry, we won't attend."

I might be tempted to do that for a purely social event. Since it’s related to a spouse’s work, and a new position at that, I’d leave it up to the spouse to determine an appropriate response.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what did the email ACTUALLY say? did it say "since bob is working the shift now, sally and the kids are no longer invited either"?

+1 I need to know the text of this email!

"Unfortunately, for capacity reasons, we've made the difficult decision to cut back on the attendees of the 2023 [Unit] Super Bowl party. I appreciate your willingness to [slang] for [person] in order for him to host, but because of the space limitations, it would be best if you conveyed our disappointment to Mrs. Smith that we won't be able to host her and kids this time around."

Maybe it truly was a space thing. But it seemed like such odd timing.

this is so incredibly hostile that I would wonder if something else is going on with your DH’s work and he’s going to be fired or involved in some kind of dispute. didn’t your DH have anything to say?

Just reminded me not to say anything to anyone about it out of concern for my own reputation - which I wouldn't dare!

Your husband sounds like a spineless wimp, honestly. My guess is he isn't respected among his unit and allowing his family to be so blatantly insulted should be a sign to you, OP.

Since your husband is their boss, these people might not be your natural peer group. Aside from wanting to cut up a bit, without the boss being present, entertaining the barely known boss’s wife and family — without the boss being present, sounds extremely awkward, especially for something like watching a game, with kids running around, which could get boisterous. While I think the Un-invite was very rude, I’m also wondering if someone felt that it was the lesser of two awkward options.

My limited sense of the military is that socially, things can be very separated and hierarchical between different levels as well as with their spouses. If this is still true, it might be very rare for a spouse to be hanging out in a social situation on their own like this — without the rank of accompanying their military spouse. Maybe your husband could give you feedback about what’s expected in situations like this. My guess is that the civilian spouse would probably send polite regrets.

In any case, as others have said, it makes sense to extend your search for congenial friendships beyond this group. Are there social or community organizations or volunteer opportunities that interest you?