Anonymous
12/01/2022 03:44
Subject: Re:Couples therapy and mandatory reporting
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am a therapist. This would have to be reported.
And I agree with the PP, this should not be your biggest concern.
What? Because he grabbed the kid? God help our culture if we think it's better to lock up a parent or divorce him because he grabbed his kid too hard in a moment of frustration. Where is the compassion? Where is the proportionality? It really doesn't sound like he was trying to hurt the kid. Maybe he didn't realize how much force he was applying. Maybe he didn't realize the point at which he woudl leave a mark. And what's "a mark," anyway - a bruise? The slight discoloration in skin that comes from pressure or heat and then dissipates after a few seconds? As long as he now acknowledges that he squeezed too tight, I think everyone needs to get over it.
+10000
I am a different poster and agree with this. It’s legal to spank your kids. He needs better emotional regulation but this isn’t CPS-worthy IMO. And I am a mandated reporter and have reported to CPS before.
Therapist here again. Well if you are a mandated reporter, which I am seriously doubting you are, then you would know that it is not our job to decide if something is “CPS worthy", that is up to CPS to decide. Our job is to report and let CPS take action or decide not to. We risk our license if we decide to make those kinds of calls, but I suppose since you are a “mandated reporter“ you would’ve known that, huh?
You sound unstable. Why would anyone seek help from you?
OP NEVER get involved with CPS.
PP very much does not sound unstable. The only commenters who sound like they are potentially unstable are the ones saying it’s crazy to report because then OP’s husband is going to get “locked up.”
Would the family suddenly be better off if he were locked up? Suddenly going from 2 incomes down 1. Spending whatever money they do have on attorneys. Mom suddenly single, on her own, and dealing with the social stigma having a spouse arrested in the front yard/CPS coming and going from the house. Some instances YES this is all worth it! But what OP described is not. Sounds like the guy needs therapy and better parenting tools but he doesn’t sound dangerous.
You obviously get your information from bad soap operas. Her DH would not be “arrested in the front yard” over allegations as OP describes. Worst case they make a home visit. Equally possible they do *nothing*. Plenty of mandatory reports are never followed up.
Listen to yourself. Why do it if it is only theater?
As a journalist, I am also of the mind to keep CPS out if it unless there is actual danger involved. You have no idea if you will get someone competent or someone on a power trip.
The therapist should do it because it’s ethically required of her. It’s in the OPs best interest because when this escalates (and “triggered by normal child behavior” definitely will escalate) it’s already on recorded as reported by a third party.
It is in no way ethically required of her. There is zero argument that it is. The only question here is whether it is legally required of her. In fact there is a string argument here by multiple people that the more ethical action is not to report it. Your self-absolving notion that reporting this is in the OP’s best interest is ludicrous. It will cause incredible stress, damage the marriage and drive the DH away from the therapy the DW is seeking. You are not a lawyer and don’t understand the legal system either, this “already on the record” claim is nonsense.
Anonymous
12/01/2022 03:33
Subject: Re:Couples therapy and mandatory reporting
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am a therapist. This would have to be reported.
And I agree with the PP, this should not be your biggest concern.
What? Because he grabbed the kid? God help our culture if we think it's better to lock up a parent or divorce him because he grabbed his kid too hard in a moment of frustration. Where is the compassion? Where is the proportionality? It really doesn't sound like he was trying to hurt the kid. Maybe he didn't realize how much force he was applying. Maybe he didn't realize the point at which he woudl leave a mark. And what's "a mark," anyway - a bruise? The slight discoloration in skin that comes from pressure or heat and then dissipates after a few seconds? As long as he now acknowledges that he squeezed too tight, I think everyone needs to get over it.
+10000
I am a different poster and agree with this. It’s legal to spank your kids. He needs better emotional regulation but this isn’t CPS-worthy IMO. And I am a mandated reporter and have reported to CPS before.
Therapist here again. Well if you are a mandated reporter, which I am seriously doubting you are, then you would know that it is not our job to decide if something is “CPS worthy", that is up to CPS to decide. Our job is to report and let CPS take action or decide not to. We risk our license if we decide to make those kinds of calls, but I suppose since you are a “mandated reporter“ you would’ve known that, huh?
You sound unstable. Why would anyone seek help from you?
OP NEVER get involved with CPS.
PP very much does not sound unstable. The only commenters who sound like they are potentially unstable are the ones saying it’s crazy to report because then OP’s husband is going to get “locked up.”
Would the family suddenly be better off if he were locked up? Suddenly going from 2 incomes down 1. Spending whatever money they do have on attorneys. Mom suddenly single, on her own, and dealing with the social stigma having a spouse arrested in the front yard/CPS coming and going from the house. Some instances YES this is all worth it! But what OP described is not. Sounds like the guy needs therapy and better parenting tools but he doesn’t sound dangerous.
You obviously get your information from bad soap operas. Her DH would not be “arrested in the front yard” over allegations as OP describes. Worst case they make a home visit. Equally possible they do *nothing*. Plenty of mandatory reports are never followed up.
Listen to yourself. Why do it if it is only theater?
As a journalist, I am also of the mind to keep CPS out if it unless there is actual danger involved. You have no idea if you will get someone competent or someone on a power trip.
The therapist should do it because it’s ethically required of her. It’s in the OPs best interest because when this escalates (and “triggered by normal child behavior” definitely will escalate) it’s already on recorded as reported by a third party.
Your logic is incredibly flawed and dangerous. You don’t break the glass in anticipation of something that may or may not ever happen. You break it IF and when something actually happens. Listen to yourself. “Definitely will escalate” is BS. You are jumping to conclusions and potentially wrecking this family’s life based on your own weak-minded assumptions and paranoia. The DH is already taking responsibility and seeking treatment. Your childlike insistence on seeing this as black and white serves as a warning to others not to get involved with this system.
Anonymous
12/01/2022 03:17
Subject: Couples therapy and mandatory reporting
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op: number one rule. Never, I repeat never talk to the Man.
(The po po, fuzz, etc). You do not show the therapist a picture. You do not open the door to interference from cps.
See above, do not talk to the man.
You can do therapy. Work on your marriage and anger management.
People are so stupid to not understand. Never invite the man into your business.
+1
You don't want to get caught up in the criminal justice system unless it's a serious offense. If it's domestic violence, which could be as harmless as someone throwing a remote control on the ground, police will arrest if they have probable cause. Gone are the days of working things out.
Uh, how well did letting them alone to work it out turn out for Gabby Petito? This idea that police jump to arrest abusers is either naïveté or misogyny.
She didn’t file a report. Once you file a report it all unfolds like clockwork.
Anonymous
12/01/2022 03:15
Subject: Couples therapy and mandatory reporting
Anonymous wrote:I kind of feel like it's either a big enough deal that the cops would get involved, OR it's not a big deal and no one should be investigating it.
It really can't be both.
Exactly. For the person above saying the police don’t take reports of DV seriously, they do. It may vary by municipality but having done so more than once myself, I assure you times have changed and they will pursue it. If you describe something reportable they will press HARD for details on the perpetrator and if you file an actionable report they will pursue the action and arrest the person. From there on it becomes the DA’s job to prosecute.
Anonymous
12/01/2022 00:51
Subject: Couples therapy and mandatory reporting
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op: number one rule. Never, I repeat never talk to the Man.
(The po po, fuzz, etc). You do not show the therapist a picture. You do not open the door to interference from cps.
See above, do not talk to the man.
You can do therapy. Work on your marriage and anger management.
People are so stupid to not understand. Never invite the man into your business.
+1
You don't want to get caught up in the criminal justice system unless it's a serious offense. If it's domestic violence, which could be as harmless as someone throwing a remote control on the ground, police will arrest if they have probable cause. Gone are the days of working things out.
Uh, how well did letting them alone to work it out turn out for Gabby Petito? This idea that police jump to arrest abusers is either naïveté or misogyny.
So because someone was murdered (impossible to foresee), lets arrest people for petty crimes that can have major ramifications. The criminal justice system rarely solves any problems and often times makes things a lot worse.
Anonymous
11/30/2022 23:50
Subject: Couples therapy and mandatory reporting
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:CPS can do more traumatic damage to this kid in a week of foster care than this father will do for her entire childhood. This guy grabbed her once and was concerned enough about it to agree to go to family therapy. Much better to be with a father like that than roll the dice with strangers in foster care
Seriously, I'll try to find a link to cite later but the bottom line is that since mandated reporting laws rolled out nation wide, cps visits have increased exponentially but the number of reports that CPS has actually taken up as cases has stayed the same. I know this bc CPS showed up at my door the day after my then 5 yo son's neuropsych exam. Apparently at some point in the 4 hour interview with hundreds of questions he framed a single response in a concerning way and we needed to be checked on. I had absolutely no idea how vulnerable we were in that process but it has made me think twice about seeking professional help ever again. A therapist we later consulted for setting up a behavioral plan for our son told us that a big part of what she does is help parents process cps trauma.
OP, you know your husband best. If this was an incident with a particularly challenging child and you think your husband is seeking help in good faith then let the professional set you guys up for success so that he has a plan for how to respond in future situations. So much of the lack of self-control language thrown around here is really just a lack of planning ahead. If you can script this out going forward it's so much easier to implement self control. Obviously if things don't improve that's a different story but from what you've posted you're not there yet.
You’ve been warned, OP.
To OP and anyone else who is reading this: FFS learn your rights and what to do if CPS contacts you. I learned the hard way that the reason CPS have so much power and so many horror stories is not because they do high quality work but because thet strip parents of all rights. The actual truth or facts absolutely does not matter to these people. What they write is the truth and they will force it until you start acting like you agree with them.
About 40% of kids have a report filed about them, is the statistic that I heard. So know your rights. Believe me, a parent does not need to be guilty to very quickly find out the hard way there are so many horror stories about this agency.
Anonymous
11/30/2022 22:35
Subject: Re:Couples therapy and mandatory reporting
I’m so sorry you are in this very difficult situation.
I have been there.
Do not get CPS involved. Use vague terms with the counselor to avoid mandated reporting.
BUT- you have to be their protector. You must. If you are going to assist him in avoiding CPS (which, let’s be honest, is what you are doing (and i, many years ago) you must be their protector.
It’s exhausting. But you can do it. He must enter anger management counseling. At it has to be once or twice a week. None of this monthly bullshit.
We had one physical incident somewhat similar to yours more than 10 years ago and DH knew that I would absolutely report him if he didn’t fix the problem. So it didn’t happen again - at least not physically. He is in anger mgmt but still has emotional outbursts that are truly terrible. A few times a year. We mostly leave the room - the kids are teens now.
It’s not ideal. It sucks. There is a lot of walking on eggshells when he is in a bad mood.
Perhaps I should have left him years ago. Who the hell knows. But I do feel we have somewhat manger the problem. Somewhat.
Good luck.
And find a friend to confide in. It helps.
I have been there.
Do not get CPS involved. Use vague terms with the counselor to avoid mandated reporting.
BUT- you have to be their protector. You must. If you are going to assist him in avoiding CPS (which, let’s be honest, is what you are doing (and i, many years ago) you must be their protector.
It’s exhausting. But you can do it. He must enter anger management counseling. At it has to be once or twice a week. None of this monthly bullshit.
We had one physical incident somewhat similar to yours more than 10 years ago and DH knew that I would absolutely report him if he didn’t fix the problem. So it didn’t happen again - at least not physically. He is in anger mgmt but still has emotional outbursts that are truly terrible. A few times a year. We mostly leave the room - the kids are teens now.
It’s not ideal. It sucks. There is a lot of walking on eggshells when he is in a bad mood.
Perhaps I should have left him years ago. Who the hell knows. But I do feel we have somewhat manger the problem. Somewhat.
Good luck.
And find a friend to confide in. It helps.
Anonymous
11/30/2022 22:02
Subject: Re:Couples therapy and mandatory reporting
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am a therapist. This would have to be reported.
And I agree with the PP, this should not be your biggest concern.
What? Because he grabbed the kid? God help our culture if we think it's better to lock up a parent or divorce him because he grabbed his kid too hard in a moment of frustration. Where is the compassion? Where is the proportionality? It really doesn't sound like he was trying to hurt the kid. Maybe he didn't realize how much force he was applying. Maybe he didn't realize the point at which he woudl leave a mark. And what's "a mark," anyway - a bruise? The slight discoloration in skin that comes from pressure or heat and then dissipates after a few seconds? As long as he now acknowledges that he squeezed too tight, I think everyone needs to get over it.
+10000
I am a different poster and agree with this. It’s legal to spank your kids. He needs better emotional regulation but this isn’t CPS-worthy IMO. And I am a mandated reporter and have reported to CPS before.
Therapist here again. Well if you are a mandated reporter, which I am seriously doubting you are, then you would know that it is not our job to decide if something is “CPS worthy", that is up to CPS to decide. Our job is to report and let CPS take action or decide not to. We risk our license if we decide to make those kinds of calls, but I suppose since you are a “mandated reporter“ you would’ve known that, huh?
You sound unstable. Why would anyone seek help from you?
OP NEVER get involved with CPS.
PP very much does not sound unstable. The only commenters who sound like they are potentially unstable are the ones saying it’s crazy to report because then OP’s husband is going to get “locked up.”
Would the family suddenly be better off if he were locked up? Suddenly going from 2 incomes down 1. Spending whatever money they do have on attorneys. Mom suddenly single, on her own, and dealing with the social stigma having a spouse arrested in the front yard/CPS coming and going from the house. Some instances YES this is all worth it! But what OP described is not. Sounds like the guy needs therapy and better parenting tools but he doesn’t sound dangerous.
You obviously get your information from bad soap operas. Her DH would not be “arrested in the front yard” over allegations as OP describes. Worst case they make a home visit. Equally possible they do *nothing*. Plenty of mandatory reports are never followed up.
Listen to yourself. Why do it if it is only theater?
As a journalist, I am also of the mind to keep CPS out if it unless there is actual danger involved. You have no idea if you will get someone competent or someone on a power trip.
The therapist should do it because it’s ethically required of her. It’s in the OPs best interest because when this escalates (and “triggered by normal child behavior” definitely will escalate) it’s already on recorded as reported by a third party.
Anonymous
11/30/2022 21:13
Subject: Re:Couples therapy and mandatory reporting
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am a therapist. This would have to be reported.
And I agree with the PP, this should not be your biggest concern.
What? Because he grabbed the kid? God help our culture if we think it's better to lock up a parent or divorce him because he grabbed his kid too hard in a moment of frustration. Where is the compassion? Where is the proportionality? It really doesn't sound like he was trying to hurt the kid. Maybe he didn't realize how much force he was applying. Maybe he didn't realize the point at which he woudl leave a mark. And what's "a mark," anyway - a bruise? The slight discoloration in skin that comes from pressure or heat and then dissipates after a few seconds? As long as he now acknowledges that he squeezed too tight, I think everyone needs to get over it.
+10000
I am a different poster and agree with this. It’s legal to spank your kids. He needs better emotional regulation but this isn’t CPS-worthy IMO. And I am a mandated reporter and have reported to CPS before.
Therapist here again. Well if you are a mandated reporter, which I am seriously doubting you are, then you would know that it is not our job to decide if something is “CPS worthy", that is up to CPS to decide. Our job is to report and let CPS take action or decide not to. We risk our license if we decide to make those kinds of calls, but I suppose since you are a “mandated reporter“ you would’ve known that, huh?
You sound unstable. Why would anyone seek help from you?
OP NEVER get involved with CPS.
PP very much does not sound unstable. The only commenters who sound like they are potentially unstable are the ones saying it’s crazy to report because then OP’s husband is going to get “locked up.”
Would the family suddenly be better off if he were locked up? Suddenly going from 2 incomes down 1. Spending whatever money they do have on attorneys. Mom suddenly single, on her own, and dealing with the social stigma having a spouse arrested in the front yard/CPS coming and going from the house. Some instances YES this is all worth it! But what OP described is not. Sounds like the guy needs therapy and better parenting tools but he doesn’t sound dangerous.
You obviously get your information from bad soap operas. Her DH would not be “arrested in the front yard” over allegations as OP describes. Worst case they make a home visit. Equally possible they do *nothing*. Plenty of mandatory reports are never followed up.
Listen to yourself. Why do it if it is only theater?
As a journalist, I am also of the mind to keep CPS out if it unless there is actual danger involved. You have no idea if you will get someone competent or someone on a power trip.
Anonymous
11/30/2022 21:04
Subject: Re:Couples therapy and mandatory reporting
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am a therapist. This would have to be reported.
And I agree with the PP, this should not be your biggest concern.
What? Because he grabbed the kid? God help our culture if we think it's better to lock up a parent or divorce him because he grabbed his kid too hard in a moment of frustration. Where is the compassion? Where is the proportionality? It really doesn't sound like he was trying to hurt the kid. Maybe he didn't realize how much force he was applying. Maybe he didn't realize the point at which he woudl leave a mark. And what's "a mark," anyway - a bruise? The slight discoloration in skin that comes from pressure or heat and then dissipates after a few seconds? As long as he now acknowledges that he squeezed too tight, I think everyone needs to get over it.
+10000
I am a different poster and agree with this. It’s legal to spank your kids. He needs better emotional regulation but this isn’t CPS-worthy IMO. And I am a mandated reporter and have reported to CPS before.
Therapist here again. Well if you are a mandated reporter, which I am seriously doubting you are, then you would know that it is not our job to decide if something is “CPS worthy", that is up to CPS to decide. Our job is to report and let CPS take action or decide not to. We risk our license if we decide to make those kinds of calls, but I suppose since you are a “mandated reporter“ you would’ve known that, huh?
You sound unstable. Why would anyone seek help from you?
OP NEVER get involved with CPS.
PP very much does not sound unstable. The only commenters who sound like they are potentially unstable are the ones saying it’s crazy to report because then OP’s husband is going to get “locked up.”
Would the family suddenly be better off if he were locked up? Suddenly going from 2 incomes down 1. Spending whatever money they do have on attorneys. Mom suddenly single, on her own, and dealing with the social stigma having a spouse arrested in the front yard/CPS coming and going from the house. Some instances YES this is all worth it! But what OP described is not. Sounds like the guy needs therapy and better parenting tools but he doesn’t sound dangerous.
You obviously get your information from bad soap operas. Her DH would not be “arrested in the front yard” over allegations as OP describes. Worst case they make a home visit. Equally possible they do *nothing*. Plenty of mandatory reports are never followed up.
Anonymous
11/30/2022 20:37
Subject: Re:Couples therapy and mandatory reporting
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am a therapist. This would have to be reported.
And I agree with the PP, this should not be your biggest concern.
What? Because he grabbed the kid? God help our culture if we think it's better to lock up a parent or divorce him because he grabbed his kid too hard in a moment of frustration. Where is the compassion? Where is the proportionality? It really doesn't sound like he was trying to hurt the kid. Maybe he didn't realize how much force he was applying. Maybe he didn't realize the point at which he woudl leave a mark. And what's "a mark," anyway - a bruise? The slight discoloration in skin that comes from pressure or heat and then dissipates after a few seconds? As long as he now acknowledges that he squeezed too tight, I think everyone needs to get over it.
+10000
I am a different poster and agree with this. It’s legal to spank your kids. He needs better emotional regulation but this isn’t CPS-worthy IMO. And I am a mandated reporter and have reported to CPS before.
Therapist here again. Well if you are a mandated reporter, which I am seriously doubting you are, then you would know that it is not our job to decide if something is “CPS worthy", that is up to CPS to decide. Our job is to report and let CPS take action or decide not to. We risk our license if we decide to make those kinds of calls, but I suppose since you are a “mandated reporter“ you would’ve known that, huh?
You sound unstable. Why would anyone seek help from you?
OP NEVER get involved with CPS.
PP very much does not sound unstable. The only commenters who sound like they are potentially unstable are the ones saying it’s crazy to report because then OP’s husband is going to get “locked up.”
Would the family suddenly be better off if he were locked up? Suddenly going from 2 incomes down 1. Spending whatever money they do have on attorneys. Mom suddenly single, on her own, and dealing with the social stigma having a spouse arrested in the front yard/CPS coming and going from the house. Some instances YES this is all worth it! But what OP described is not. Sounds like the guy needs therapy and better parenting tools but he doesn’t sound dangerous.
Anonymous
11/30/2022 19:29
Subject: Couples therapy and mandatory reporting
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op: number one rule. Never, I repeat never talk to the Man.
(The po po, fuzz, etc). You do not show the therapist a picture. You do not open the door to interference from cps.
See above, do not talk to the man.
You can do therapy. Work on your marriage and anger management.
People are so stupid to not understand. Never invite the man into your business.
+1
You don't want to get caught up in the criminal justice system unless it's a serious offense. If it's domestic violence, which could be as harmless as someone throwing a remote control on the ground, police will arrest if they have probable cause. Gone are the days of working things out.
Uh, how well did letting them alone to work it out turn out for Gabby Petito? This idea that police jump to arrest abusers is either naïveté or misogyny.
Anonymous
11/30/2022 19:04
Subject: Couples therapy and mandatory reporting
I kind of feel like it's either a big enough deal that the cops would get involved, OR it's not a big deal and no one should be investigating it.
It really can't be both.
It really can't be both.
Anonymous
11/30/2022 19:01
Subject: Couples therapy and mandatory reporting
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op: number one rule. Never, I repeat never talk to the Man.
(The po po, fuzz, etc). You do not show the therapist a picture. You do not open the door to interference from cps.
See above, do not talk to the man.
You can do therapy. Work on your marriage and anger management.
People are so stupid to not understand. Never invite the man into your business.
+1
You don't want to get caught up in the criminal justice system unless it's a serious offense. If it's domestic violence, which could be as harmless as someone throwing a remote control on the ground, police will arrest if they have probable cause. Gone are the days of working things out.
Exactly. People are so naive. You never invite the police into your life unless you are in immediate danger.
Just think OP. You want pay out tens of thousands of bucks for a lawyer
Anonymous
11/30/2022 18:48
Subject: Couples therapy and mandatory reporting
Anonymous wrote:Op: number one rule. Never, I repeat never talk to the Man.
(The po po, fuzz, etc). You do not show the therapist a picture. You do not open the door to interference from cps.
See above, do not talk to the man.
You can do therapy. Work on your marriage and anger management.
People are so stupid to not understand. Never invite the man into your business.
+1
You don't want to get caught up in the criminal justice system unless it's a serious offense. If it's domestic violence, which could be as harmless as someone throwing a remote control on the ground, police will arrest if they have probable cause. Gone are the days of working things out.