Anonymous wrote:Oh that is heartbreaking. Kids are hard, it’s been harder than expected on my husband especially with one of our kids being challenging but he most of the time tries to enjoy them. During patches of bad times (e.g. the pandemic early days, shudder) I tried to do as much a possible and told my husband I’d rather he spent 1 hour with them nicely than being a martyr for a whole Saturday because it was “fair “ or he “should “. Did I enjoy having to do the vast majority of the childcare? No. But I preferred it to my kids feeling like their dad resented them. Maybe let him do some sort of adult hobby in the weekend afternoons? It’s harder when he feels he is fighting for your attention but that’s just part of being a parent. He doesn’t get your undivided attention all the time anymore.
In retrospect there was some level of depression going on, he sees a therapist now and the pandemic is better and the kids are older. But it’s not ok for your kids to feel like a burden. He needs to change something if this has been going on for years.

For some reason this really struck me. Does anyone's spouse ever get all their undivided attention?!? When I started dating my husband we each had friend groups and hobbies that we engaged in. We NEVER spent all our time together. We also both worked (and still work) full-time jobs that include travel.

Maybe, OP, your husband needs more happening outside his home life? If he's home all the time (not sure if he works at home or not) then I can see the grind getting to him more than if he had outlets. Does he have friends? Hobbies? Encourage him to spend time with those. If he isn't willing to (and isn't willing to see someone to get screened for depression, as suggested), then tell him you'll free him of the kids and he can move out. He's being a jerk (unless he truly is suffering from a mental illness) and he needs to know how much this is frustrating you. And if he doesn't care, then he's a jerk regardless of what's going on.

Hey OP, I'm a one-and-done mom and I stopped at one because I was worried I'd be like your DH with two. The pandemic sealed the deal 100%. Agree with PPs -- this is why you shouldn't compromise on # of kids; the lower number should win. But obviously too late to ruminate on that.

What you can do now is give him plenty of stress relief outlets, encourage him to connect with other dads for a safe place to vent (since it seems like you aren't open to hearing it), and keep up with those date nights. A year of regular date nights and I feel a lot less hopeless about parenting than I used to, as someone with a "low capacity" for kid stress. You can also train your kids to be less disruptive and loud. I reinforce "inside voice" a lot (and encourage outdoor play!) and am very strict about bedtime, table manners, not interrupting adults. I haven't tried this but a friend with 2 very loud interrupt-y kids uses the "hand on the wrist" tactic to acknowledge a kid that's interrupting, without letting it disrupt her conversation. I do think it will improve overall as they get older. I much prefer older kids to toddlers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s interesting how deep intensive parenting Stockholm Syndrome is when parents would rather advocate faking it than questioning the tenets of intensive parenting. Or advocate for only a select few to have children. I mean, really?

I agree.

Why can’t anyone have an adult conversation or have periods of time without interruption? The OP’s kids are 7 and 2. Make sure they are safe and go talk to your spouse for twenty minutes. You don’t have to be interacting with them all of the time.

absolutely, but I don't think he would be happy with "20min/day uninterrupted time".

Also, at that stage, kids should be in bed by 8. Do the parents go to bed at 8:30 or something? Why can't they have 8 to 10 as "their time"? That's what DH and I did, but if we were having a serious conversation during the day, and kids interrupted, we would tell them to "hold on till we are done".

But it doesn't sound like this is the issue. Seems like in general, he doesn't like that two kids = more work.

Someone once told me that having two kids is more than double the work because with one kid, you can trade off and the parent can get some downtime, and parenting one kid is easy. Trying to parent two kids is a lot harder, and you feel outnumbered.

I am confused by this as well. How late are the kids up? I have a feeling that OP is the kind of parent who has no boundaries for her kids and that this is part of the problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't yell or swear,.consider yourself lucky and leave him be! He's allowed to have his feelings.

Most dads are crap parents. I see it all the time.

Yeah, but the problem is that he’s also a crap partner. He’s miserable to be around. He whines all the time. Yeah, raising little kids is hard. But it doesn’t get easier with nonstop complaining.

I can see that. It's all hard AF. I've begun to resent all the work and noise and interruptions, too. I complain about it less than H, but if he is yelling and angry at the kids it actually makes me more likely to yell and be angry too. I try to give him lots of time off to golf or whatever, but sometimes he just chooses to sit around and be miserable.

I'm just saying it's a common problem.

In your house or are you generalizing? This is not a common problem in general.

Are you kidding? A group of moms voted a Governor in just because they hated seeing their children 24/7 for a year or more.

If anything, I think the pandemic forced a lot of parents to come to a public recognition that they only enjoy parenting if it’s a 2 hour or less daily commitment.

+1,000,000

Did the OP ever come back?

How did the DH handle it when the first was a baby/toddler? Why did they wait so long between kids? That just seems to prolong the baby/toddler years.

A lot of these comments throw me. So much sympathy for this DH that he doesn’t seem to deserve. And the amount of people who seem to hate parenting makes me feel sorry for all the little kids.

I’m currently reading a book that some here might find useful/comforting. It’s called Regretting Motherhood: a Study, by Orna Donath.

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately your mistake was having them so far apart in age. Hopefully you will feel that less acutely as time goes on. I agree this would have my very much questioning my marriage though

This I think is a huge part of it. He probably saw how "freeing" a 5 year-old is and then he had to start all over. It might have been a bit less painful if they were closer in age.

OP, could you have the grandparents watch one child at a time? Just a little break from two from time to time might help.

I thought you were going to say and now you are accidentally pregnant with #3. So it isn’t so bad OP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's on you. He only wanted 1.

he compromised and said two. It's on him, too. Did she trick him into getting pregnant?

He might have said, " Let me think about another kid," and OP took this it as a green light. The point is that she knew when they got married that he only wanted one.

Somehow I doubt he would have been husband of the year even if they only had one child.
It’s been two years and nine months. At some point, he needs to let go of his resentment over the existence of his younger child and just be a decent person to live with. He is making his wife miserable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's on you. He only wanted 1.

he compromised and said two. It's on him, too. Did she trick him into getting pregnant?

He might have said, " Let me think about another kid," and OP took this it as a green light. The point is that she knew when they got married that he only wanted one.

Then he should have gotten a vasectomy. Sex leads to babies. Or did you fail 8th grade health?

Wouldn’t be a problem if op would have listened to the “I only want one child” and not married him as that’s telling her that it’s not a match.

Remember ladies: it's always the woman's fault. Always. Men bear absolutely no responsibility for anything that ever happens to them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's on you. He only wanted 1.

he compromised and said two. It's on him, too. Did she trick him into getting pregnant?

He might have said, " Let me think about another kid," and OP took this it as a green light. The point is that she knew when they got married that he only wanted one.

Then he should have gotten a vasectomy. Sex leads to babies. Or did you fail 8th grade health?

Wouldn’t be a problem if op would have listened to the “I only want one child” and not married him as that’s telling her that it’s not a match.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's on you. He only wanted 1.

he compromised and said two. It's on him, too. Did she trick him into getting pregnant?

He might have said, " Let me think about another kid," and OP took this it as a green light. The point is that she knew when they got married that he only wanted one.

Then he should have gotten a vasectomy. Sex leads to babies. Or did you fail 8th grade health?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's on you. He only wanted 1.

he compromised and said two. It's on him, too. Did she trick him into getting pregnant?

He might have said, " Let me think about another kid," and OP took this it as a green light. The point is that she knew when they got married that he only wanted one.

Anonymous wrote:There are seasons to parenting and it’s ok if he doesn’t like this “season”. But I’d gently remind him that he’s an adult and needs to deal…it’s ok to not love being a parent right now; it’s not ok to act in a way where your children feel like a burden.

I’m sorry if that’s not helpful. I guess in terms of tangible advice, I’d encourage him to do child free things with his friends and if you have the bandwidth, I’d take on as much of the “annoying” child care stuff as you can.

New poster. This is the most mature advice I think I've ever seen on DCUM.

OP, listen to this PP, especially the part I put into bold.

Unfortunately your mistake was having them so far apart in age. Hopefully you will feel that less acutely as time goes on. I agree this would have my very much questioning my marriage though