Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go radio silent with SIL and BIL for about a year.

That would kill op's daughter's relationship with her cousin. It would be good for op's kids to preserve the relationship.

Too bad.

I understand why you, PP, would chose that path, but OP has already said that family is important and maintaining the friendship between the cousins is priority.

But Why?? Being family does not mean you have to put up with being taken advantage of. This is teaching the kids to be pleasers and steam-rolled in life. Not good.

well, not everyone is so emotionally immature that they have to go scorched earth after some sort of temporary crisis. lots of grownups know that there aren't only two outcomes (to be a doormat or estrangement)...there's lots of gray area.

So you are emotionally immature if you don’t allow in-laws to take advantage of you. Got it. Yes it is easier to just go along and not challenge ill behavior…if you are a dysfunctional family. Don’t rock that boat! Stay in your gray area.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP: I know this sounds wimpy but one thing I really dislike about this whole situation is that before now we felt ‘effortlessly generous’ in offering SIL use of the house. Because it’s so close we use it a lot all year but when we definitely know when we won’t be out we’ve let them know it’s open to them (like we had other plans for the end of June of through the 4th of July and had told them back in the spring to use if they liked. They know we were there the next weekend (7/8) so it wasn’t open-ended. And they’ve been seemingly great and leave nice things in pantry, wines, etc. My DH says he (BIL) obviously knew it was a bit sketchy so only offered porch and pool house, not house. It’s just so ballsy I guess that he just decided HE had right to offer.

Yeah, moving forward the house will be empty when you are not there. You can have them there for Labor Day because you will be there. But for a long while, they will not have access when you are not present. No code. No nothing. THAT is an appropriate consequence.

And you don’t have to make a big pronouncement. Just never say when you won’t be there. If they ever have the balls to ask if they can use it, you simply respond with, “No, that’s not possible.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go radio silent with SIL and BIL for about a year.

That would kill op's daughter's relationship with her cousin. It would be good for op's kids to preserve the relationship.

Too bad.

I understand why you, PP, would chose that path, but OP has already said that family is important and maintaining the friendship between the cousins is priority.

But Why?? Being family does not mean you have to put up with being taken advantage of. This is teaching the kids to be pleasers and steam-rolled in life. Not good.

well, not everyone is so emotionally immature that they have to go scorched earth after some sort of temporary crisis. lots of grownups know that there aren't only two outcomes (to be a doormat or estrangement)...there's lots of gray area.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go radio silent with SIL and BIL for about a year.

That would kill op's daughter's relationship with her cousin. It would be good for op's kids to preserve the relationship.

Too bad.

I understand why you, PP, would chose that path, but OP has already said that family is important and maintaining the friendship between the cousins is priority.

But Why?? Being family does not mean you have to put up with being taken advantage of. This is teaching the kids to be pleasers and steam-rolled in life. Not good.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go radio silent with SIL and BIL for about a year.

That would kill op's daughter's relationship with her cousin. It would be good for op's kids to preserve the relationship.

Too bad.

I understand why you, PP, would chose that path, but OP has already said that family is important and maintaining the friendship between the cousins is priority.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go radio silent with SIL and BIL for about a year.

That would kill op's daughter's relationship with her cousin. It would be good for op's kids to preserve the relationship.

Too bad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go radio silent with SIL and BIL for about a year.

That would kill op's daughter's relationship with her cousin. It would be good for op's kids to preserve the relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have second home on MDs Eastern Shore which we have let my DHs sister’s family use when we know we won’t be there. We arrived yesterday and discovered her DH’s brother and his wife and 2 kids (unknown to us beyond meeting at their wedding 8 years ago/no relation to us) using our pool, pool house, outdoor kitchen, screened porch. It was obvious from their supplies they were set up to spend weekend plus there! We found out the BIL had told them he was sure we wouldn’t mind, told them key code, etc. Although they did pack up & leave it was super awkward with pauses where they obviously were waiting for us to tell them to stay. My DH called his sister and her excuse for her DH was that he assumed we wouldn’t mind, assumed (for zero reason) we wouldn’t be using and anyway - hey he didn’t give them key code to house so obviously respectful of our privacy! WTF?!? We obviously changed key codes but DH so pissed he wants to disinvite his sister/BIL from our usual Labor Day shared weekend - which I understand but it punishes our kids as they love this tradition with their cousins.
This is mostly a vent but I’m just shocked they thought nbd…and trying not to wonder who else they’ve had stay there.

Wow! Did not read all the pages on this thread, but for me this would have been a huge breach of trust.

How would have I handled it? I would have probably told the uninvited guests (UG) to hang around, use the pool, have a drink and a meal with us (grill burgers?) before they left for their home, because I would not have wanted to embarrass them in front of their children. Also, I would have blamed my SIL and BIL for the snafu and given the benefit of doubt to the UGs.

I would also not have disinvited SIL-BIL from the LDW, in fact, I would have treated them like just another guest and would have also invited the uninvited guests and their kids for the LDW... BUT, SIL-BIL and family would be told that they no longer have access to our home, pool, vehicle or property - EVER, without our permission. All codes would be changed and all keys returned. If I would find them really apologetic about the whole incident, maybe in a couple of years, I would give them one more chance and put this business behind me. I don't like to muddy family relations but I am also a person who spells out my expectations up front.

WTH?

Oh, yes, I am also not White. Thank God!! Cannot get over all the actors in this drama.

We would have never been in such a position in the first place with our beach property, and everyone in our extended family and friends group would have known our expectation with letting them have access to it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have second home on MDs Eastern Shore which we have let my DHs sister’s family use when we know we won’t be there. We arrived yesterday and discovered her DH’s brother and his wife and 2 kids (unknown to us beyond meeting at their wedding 8 years ago/no relation to us) using our pool, pool house, outdoor kitchen, screened porch. It was obvious from their supplies they were set up to spend weekend plus there! We found out the BIL had told them he was sure we wouldn’t mind, told them key code, etc. Although they did pack up & leave it was super awkward with pauses where they obviously were waiting for us to tell them to stay. My DH called his sister and her excuse for her DH was that he assumed we wouldn’t mind, assumed (for zero reason) we wouldn’t be using and anyway - hey he didn’t give them key code to house so obviously respectful of our privacy! WTF?!? We obviously changed key codes but DH so pissed he wants to disinvite his sister/BIL from our usual Labor Day shared weekend - which I understand but it punishes our kids as they love this tradition with their cousins.
This is mostly a vent but I’m just shocked they thought nbd…and trying not to wonder who else they’ve had stay there.

Wow! Did not read all the pages on this thread, but for me this would have been a huge breach of trust.

How would have I handled it? I would have probably told the uninvited guests (UG) to hang around, use the pool, have a drink and a meal with us (grill burgers?) before they left for their home, because I would not have wanted to embarrass them in front of their children. Also, I would have blamed my SIL and BIL for the snafu and given the benefit of doubt to the UGs.

I would also not have disinvited SIL-BIL from the LDW, in fact, I would have treated them like just another guest and would have also invited the uninvited guests and their kids for the LDW... BUT, SIL-BIL and family would be told that they no longer have access to our home, pool, vehicle or property - EVER, without our permission. All codes would be changed and all keys returned. If I would find them really apologetic about the whole incident, maybe in a couple of years, I would give them one more chance and put this business behind me. I don't like to muddy family relations but I am also a person who spells out my expectations up front.

WTH?

Oh, yes, I am also not White. Thank God!! Cannot get over all the actors in this drama.

We would have never been in such a position in the first place with our beach property, and everyone in our extended family and friends group would have known our expectation with letting them have access to it.

Anonymous wrote:I would point blank ask "how many times have you given access to our property to someone else?"

I would also 100% cancel labor day weekend and tell them they're no longer allowed access to your home when you're not there. This is a huge breach of trust and you just have no idea if they've done this before or not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have second home on MDs Eastern Shore which we have let my DHs sister’s family use when we know we won’t be there. We arrived yesterday and discovered her DH’s brother and his wife and 2 kids (unknown to us beyond meeting at their wedding 8 years ago/no relation to us) using our pool, pool house, outdoor kitchen, screened porch. It was obvious from their supplies they were set up to spend weekend plus there! We found out the BIL had told them he was sure we wouldn’t mind, told them key code, etc. Although they did pack up & leave it was super awkward with pauses where they obviously were waiting for us to tell them to stay. My DH called his sister and her excuse for her DH was that he assumed we wouldn’t mind, assumed (for zero reason) we wouldn’t be using and anyway - hey he didn’t give them key code to house so obviously respectful of our privacy! WTF?!? We obviously changed key codes but DH so pissed he wants to disinvite his sister/BIL from our usual Labor Day shared weekend - which I understand but it punishes our kids as they love this tradition with their cousins.
This is mostly a vent but I’m just shocked they thought nbd…and trying not to wonder who else they’ve had stay there.

Wow! Did not read all the pages on this thread, but for me this would have been a huge breach of trust.

How would have I handled it? I would have probably told the uninvited guests (UG) to hang around, use the pool, have a drink and a meal with us (grill burgers?) before they left for their home, because I would not have wanted to embarrass them in front of their children. Also, I would have blamed my SIL and BIL for the snafu and given the benefit of doubt to the UGs.

I would also not have disinvited SIL-BIL from the LDW, in fact, I would have treated them like just another guest and would have also invited the uninvited guests and their kids for the LDW... BUT, SIL-BIL and family would be told that they no longer have access to our home, pool, vehicle or property - EVER, without our permission. All codes would be changed and all keys returned. If I would find them really apologetic about the whole incident, maybe in a couple of years, I would give them one more chance and put this business behind me. I don't like to muddy family relations but I am also a person who spells out my expectations up front.

WTH?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would love OP to set the stage of how all this went down, line by line. Like did you first notice a strange car in the driveway? Did you discover them swimming in your pool and had to ask who they were? Did you consider calling the cops rather than approaching since you weren't sure who it was? What were the first words spoken? Sounds like a scene from a movie that I really want to see.

Same. I just cannot get past how this went down.