Anonymous
Post 04/18/2022 12:24     Subject: Feeling sad that I don't have a daughter
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Since this is anonymous OP, I'll admit that I'm so glad I have two daughters for exactly the reasons you outlined. DH loves his parents and is a dutiful Asian son but the level of closeness and frequency of communication is nothing like his sister has with their mom. I don't even like my own mom that much but my kids spend a ton of time at her house and we're in regular communication. It's just a different type of relationship.


Same, 3 daughters 0 sons and I couldn't be happier about it.



Same here. I have two daughters and a son.
I'm thrilled to have daughters. I honestly feel sorry for my friends who only have boys (on the rare occasions that I think about gender).

That said, I've had my own very hard things to deal with. We all do. Most of us don't get everything we want in life.


Please don’t ever feel sorry for me and my family of two boys. How can you have children and feel like another family is less than because of the gender of the children. This whole thread is so full of so many generalizations and assumptions. I’m so grateful for my boys and definitely don’t need anyones pity.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2022 11:25     Subject: Re:Feeling sad that I don't have a daughter
I started out with a daughter and a son and now I have two sons. So you never know, things can change.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2022 11:15     Subject: Feeling sad that I don't have a daughter
I have a son and daughter and love them equally. However, I could do without some of the sass from my daughter
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2022 11:06     Subject: Feeling sad that I don't have a daughter
Anonymous wrote:I (a woman) definitely had (and still have) that "desirable" mother-daughter relationship with my own mom, but today, as adults, my brother and his wife are much closer to my parents, physically and in terms of overall involvement. My parents are more involved in my niece and nephew's lives than in my own kids' and my brother and his family will likely be the ones doing the bulk of elder care. They speak on the phone at least as often as I do, and see each other more. This isn't a result of a strained relationship or anything, it's just more our nature. My brother was always a kid who stayed closer to home and more of a family-first personality.

I have a son and daughter now and, while they're still young, won't be totally surprised if things play out similarly. At least, it's been helpful to have my own history to guide my subconscious parenting style and avoid the sort of grooming by gender around female caretaking and male "independence" (or whatever the right word there should be).


+1. Parenting has a lot do with final results, even though many don't want to admit this.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2022 11:03     Subject: Re:Feeling sad that I don't have a daughter
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’d be sad too. Boys grow up to be men and typically don’t look after their elderly parents. Nor do they have the same sort of close relationship with their moms. They are more selfish and the DIL takes over. Not always, but often.

Men are also more prone to violence, less likely to graduate college and more likely to suffer health problems at a young age.

I find it bizarre that some people in the US still favor boys.


Ridiculous. My boys will graduate college and are not prone to violence. No health problems. This is your peer group, not mine.

My Dad took great care of my grandparents in their decline and my FIL took care of his own mother. Both had sisters who lived in other towns and were simply not as close to their parents.


That’s great it’s worked out this way for you. However, for many parents with boys it does not. It’s not ridiculous at all to acknowledge that women do most of the caregiving in this country.


Honestly, I think this has a lot to do with the way you raise your boys. My brother is the primary care-giver for my parents in my family. I was in the past, when the lived on the east coast, but when the retired to the west coast (where he is) he took over. That had a lot to do with the fact that we were raised to understand that caregiving has nothing to do with gender, but is a responsibility to be shared by everyone.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2022 11:00     Subject: Re:Feeling sad that I don't have a daughter
Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. Here’s a different perspective. I have one of each and I am sad that each one doesn’t have a same sex sibling. I feel bad my daughter will never have a sister or that my son will never have a brother. Brothers and sisters aren’t as close as same sex siblings in adulthood.


There are a lot of assumptions in this thread. I have a brother, and we are incredibly close. I was never close with my mom. However, I am very close to my mother-in-law.

OP -- It can be hard not to imagine the grass is greener on the other side, but I would take the time to recognize your imaginings/fantasies are just that -- you could have had a daughter who didn't have a close relationship with you. You will never know. Better to focus on what you do have, and discover and appreciate their qualities and what makes them special. You never know how things may turn out.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2022 10:45     Subject: Feeling sad that I don't have a daughter
I remember my dad and uncle took care of my grandpa. One of my aunts has two daughters and a one son. She has all sorts of enmeshed drama with one of her daughters.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2022 06:38     Subject: Re:Feeling sad that I don't have a daughter
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’d be sad too. Boys grow up to be men and typically don’t look after their elderly parents. Nor do they have the same sort of close relationship with their moms. They are more selfish and the DIL takes over. Not always, but often.

Men are also more prone to violence, less likely to graduate college and more likely to suffer health problems at a young age.

I find it bizarre that some people in the US still favor boys.


Ridiculous. My boys will graduate college and are not prone to violence. No health problems. This is your peer group, not mine.

My Dad took great care of my grandparents in their decline and my FIL took care of his own mother. Both had sisters who lived in other towns and were simply not as close to their parents.


That’s great it’s worked out this way for you. However, for many parents with boys it does not. It’s not ridiculous at all to acknowledge that women do most of the caregiving in this country.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2022 06:32     Subject: Feeling sad that I don't have a daughter
I (a woman) definitely had (and still have) that "desirable" mother-daughter relationship with my own mom, but today, as adults, my brother and his wife are much closer to my parents, physically and in terms of overall involvement. My parents are more involved in my niece and nephew's lives than in my own kids' and my brother and his family will likely be the ones doing the bulk of elder care. They speak on the phone at least as often as I do, and see each other more. This isn't a result of a strained relationship or anything, it's just more our nature. My brother was always a kid who stayed closer to home and more of a family-first personality.

I have a son and daughter now and, while they're still young, won't be totally surprised if things play out similarly. At least, it's been helpful to have my own history to guide my subconscious parenting style and avoid the sort of grooming by gender around female caretaking and male "independence" (or whatever the right word there should be).
Anonymous
Post 04/17/2022 23:32     Subject: Feeling sad that I don't have a daughter
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:In my experience, sons don't call their moms when they grow up as much, they're not as close, they gravitate to the wife's family (if they marry), etc.


This is what I see among family and friends too, especially when grandchildren are involved.


I think this is true in general but OP you are not an average of 1000 people, you are one person.either your kids will be close to you or they won't be. Try to be a easygoing parent of adult children and a helpful nonjudgmental grandparent and hope for the best.

In my case my parents were closer to my brother (I am female) when we were grown and my family spends more time in with my in-laws.
Anonymous
Post 04/17/2022 15:25     Subject: Feeling sad that I don't have a daughter
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Since this is anonymous OP, I'll admit that I'm so glad I have two daughters for exactly the reasons you outlined. DH loves his parents and is a dutiful Asian son but the level of closeness and frequency of communication is nothing like his sister has with their mom. I don't even like my own mom that much but my kids spend a ton of time at her house and we're in regular communication. It's just a different type of relationship.


Same, 3 daughters 0 sons and I couldn't be happier about it.



Same here. I have two daughters and a son.
I'm thrilled to have daughters. I honestly feel sorry for my friends who only have boys (on the rare occasions that I think about gender).

That said, I've had my own very hard things to deal with. We all do. Most of us don't get everything we want in life.


Same. Two girls and a boy and couldn’t be happier. Even dh was relieved that number 3 was a girl. Our boy is just so much harder and worse behaved.
Anonymous
Post 04/17/2022 15:22     Subject: Re:Feeling sad that I don't have a daughter
Anonymous wrote:I’d be sad too. Boys grow up to be men and typically don’t look after their elderly parents. Nor do they have the same sort of close relationship with their moms. They are more selfish and the DIL takes over. Not always, but often.

Men are also more prone to violence, less likely to graduate college and more likely to suffer health problems at a young age.

I find it bizarre that some people in the US still favor boys.


Ridiculous. My boys will graduate college and are not prone to violence. No health problems. This is your peer group, not mine.

My Dad took great care of my grandparents in their decline and my FIL took care of his own mother. Both had sisters who lived in other towns and were simply not as close to their parents.
Anonymous
Post 04/17/2022 15:18     Subject: Feeling sad that I don't have a daughter
OP, I think it’s normal to feel this way. Don’t worry what others say. You can love your kids AND long for a mother-daughter relationship. It’s not mutually exclusive.
Anonymous
Post 04/17/2022 12:22     Subject: Feeling sad that I don't have a daughter
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Since this is anonymous OP, I'll admit that I'm so glad I have two daughters for exactly the reasons you outlined. DH loves his parents and is a dutiful Asian son but the level of closeness and frequency of communication is nothing like his sister has with their mom. I don't even like my own mom that much but my kids spend a ton of time at her house and we're in regular communication. It's just a different type of relationship.


Same, 3 daughters 0 sons and I couldn't be happier about it.



Same here. I have two daughters and a son.
I'm thrilled to have daughters. I honestly feel sorry for my friends who only have boys (on the rare occasions that I think about gender).

That said, I've had my own very hard things to deal with. We all do. Most of us don't get everything we want in life.
Anonymous
Post 04/17/2022 11:57     Subject: Re:Feeling sad that I don't have a daughter
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Try being grateful that you have children. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You don’t need to seek others for suggestions, you already know this. I feel sorry for the children you have for not being appreciated.


Bad take. Sweeping generalization.


I’d say it’s the only sound advice.