Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 20:02     Subject: I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
I think people just have to understand that it is a very tough period of life (having career, small kids) and really build in layers of outsourcing. LAYERS AND LAYERS AND LAYERS.

Once you are on the other side of it - kids are grown, you are established, you are patting yourself on the back for having a successful career, marriage and kids - life becomes super sweet.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 20:01     Subject: Re:I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I was working a 60 hour a week job and my husband was working a 40 hour a week job when we had a new baby. Your husband isn't stepping up--he's doing the bare minimum. A couple that works a combined 100 hour week doesn't have time for 3 hours of video games a night. Entertainment consists of listing to a podcast while cleaning the kitchen and packing for the next day and doing laundry.

I'd suggest you consider coming home for family time post-daycare and before dinner. That way you get family time and he gets support with the kid while you make dinner together. Then you can sign back onto work while he does house stuff. He shouldn't be too tired then since you'll have shared baby duty post-daycare.

Your husband needs to step up. All of the commenters railing on you for working too much would never say that to a man. They may claim differently, but don't believe it.


Op: I did that a few times and it did not work.

He ate dinner. Sent a few emails taking advantage that I was there and after the kid went to bed, he went on to relax while I did the remainder of the house chores. And I did not finish my work.


Op: Agree. Other than laundry and dishes and home repairs, all new work is child-related.

OP, half of those house chores are yours to do! That has nothing to do with the fact that you have a child. He is not responsible for all of the house chores simply because you work more hours than he does. That’s the thing I don’t think you quite get. Having a child didn’t release you from household chores.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 20:00     Subject: Re:I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP
I leave for work at 630. Before I leave I prepare the baby’s breakfast, what else he needs for the day. My husband wakes up at 7 but reads his news for 45 minutes because he says he needs to start his day right. So he wakes up the baby changes the diaper and dresses him but his meal; etc all done by me.


OP to be clear I don’t mind preparing the baby’s breakfast. What I mind is the fact that he is holding on to his pre baby routines whereas I just got added a lot of complexity to my life. When he promised he would do the majority of these things.


Seriously? You sound like a spoiled, entitled brat.

Making your child breakfast is a complexity to your life? Really?

Your husband works FT and does all the childcare. He did doing majority of the things.

You sound incredibly lazy.

Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 20:00     Subject: Re:I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I was working a 60 hour a week job and my husband was working a 40 hour a week job when we had a new baby. Your husband isn't stepping up--he's doing the bare minimum. A couple that works a combined 100 hour week doesn't have time for 3 hours of video games a night. Entertainment consists of listing to a podcast while cleaning the kitchen and packing for the next day and doing laundry.

I'd suggest you consider coming home for family time post-daycare and before dinner. That way you get family time and he gets support with the kid while you make dinner together. Then you can sign back onto work while he does house stuff. He shouldn't be too tired then since you'll have shared baby duty post-daycare.

Your husband needs to step up. All of the commenters railing on you for working too much would never say that to a man. They may claim differently, but don't believe it.


Op: I did that a few times and it did not work.

He ate dinner. Sent a few emails taking advantage that I was there and after the kid went to bed, he went on to relax while I did the remainder of the house chores. And I did not finish my work.
You need to have a conversation. If he's supportive of you working a big job and bringing in a big paycheck, then he needs to step up and take on more household stuff. If he's not willing to do so then you have your answer: he doesn't think you should have the big job. The answer can't be that you work a 60 hour a week big job, spend time with the baby and your husband, and then still work another shift doing all the household stuff. You won't survive it.

My deal with my husband was we "worked" the same hours. Then we'd both crash and share a TV show together at the end of the night. I'd do my real work while he did household work (from taxes to dishes to meal planning). Unless was really busy, we tried to stop at the same time every night. If he hadn't picked up more household stuff we would have never seen each other because I would have had to use any other time outside of work to do household stuff.

I did keep some chores (e.g., laundry, daycare arrangements, doctor appointments, etc) but tried to fit these into my work day or times when it wasn't taking time from my husband or child. For instance, I'd call and make doctor appointments during my commute.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 19:59     Subject: Re:I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I was working a 60 hour a week job and my husband was working a 40 hour a week job when we had a new baby. Your husband isn't stepping up--he's doing the bare minimum. A couple that works a combined 100 hour week doesn't have time for 3 hours of video games a night. Entertainment consists of listing to a podcast while cleaning the kitchen and packing for the next day and doing laundry.

I'd suggest you consider coming home for family time post-daycare and before dinner. That way you get family time and he gets support with the kid while you make dinner together. Then you can sign back onto work while he does house stuff. He shouldn't be too tired then since you'll have shared baby duty post-daycare.

Your husband needs to step up. All of the commenters railing on you for working too much would never say that to a man. They may claim differently, but don't believe it.


Op: I did that a few times and it did not work.

He ate dinner. Sent a few emails taking advantage that I was there and after the kid went to bed, he went on to relax while I did the remainder of the house chores. And I did not finish my work.


OP, half of those house chores are yours to do! That has nothing to do with the fact that you have a child. He is not responsible for all of the house chores simply because you work more hours than he does. That’s the thing I don’t think you quite get. Having a child didn’t release you from household chores.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 19:59     Subject: Re:I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:OP
I leave for work at 630. Before I leave I prepare the baby’s breakfast, what else he needs for the day. My husband wakes up at 7 but reads his news for 45 minutes because he says he needs to start his day right. So he wakes up the baby changes the diaper and dresses him but his meal; etc all done by me.


I’m sorry. Are you really complaining because you have to make YOUR child breakfast every morning? Like that even compares to your husband waking, feeding, and getting baby ready, dropping off at daycare, and then doing the night routine with him. Your husband is working 45 hour weeks on top of basically being a single parent during the week. I see nothing wrong with him wanting to relax after a long day of this or wanting some alone time on the weekend while you eventually see your kid.

It sounds like you hate being a mom and resent that you have to spend time with your kid. It sounds like you expect your husband to work, do all the childcare, and handle all the household stuff.

Why do you feel he has to handle the admin too if you only see your kid from 7am - 2pm on the weekend? It sounds like you didn’t want kids and now you’re resentful you have to care for the child or do housework like every normal adult. Many parents work FT and manage to take care of the kids and the house. Your husband is doing that, why aren’t you? You sound miserable to be with.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 19:57     Subject: I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:Yeah, welcome to the club sister.


You both need to do a household Admin one night a week each.
Read the family emails, both stay on top of things, both share the mental load.

Sounds like you have little kids and day care. So really the mental load plus bedtime routine/dinner is the main thing. He is trying to force you to allow him to do dinner executions for you to manage everything else. That’s not possible for any family. That stuff needs to be shared
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 19:56     Subject: Re:I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:OP

Look I may get flamed but I’ll be very honest here. When I was on maternity leave or when I take care of the baby by myself multiple days in a row (when my husband is away and my nanny was also on vacation) it was really not THaT difficult. It was pleasant and sure there were times when it was a bit less pleasant but overall it was really fine. I don’t get the exhaustion that some people claim comes with taking care of a baby. And he’s a medium baby if I may say. Not super needy but also not content no matter what. My job is much more exhausting to me. And stressful. ThAts my honest opinion. So no, 2.5 hours of childcare per day does not seem like it’s that terrible. I would trade off other tasks.


PP here. You had an easy baby. Many babies are really hard (crying all the time, won’t be put down, hard to feed, not sleeping). Your Sumption is that all babies are easy when the truth is that they are not.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 19:48     Subject: I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why are you hiring the baby sitter? Can he just hire one himself?

Tho honestly I’d throw the video game system away. If he’s neglecting his kids because of it, it’s gotta go.


He plays every day!


Who cares? I read every day - should my spouse toss my books?


No. Your spouse should toss your books if you are making your spouse hire a sitter so you can sit in your room and read 6 hrs a day instead of being a parent.


No, you do not “toss” other people’s belongings. Who the hell do you think you are?

OP needs to use her words like a big girl. If she isn’t happy after that, then divorce. Pretty sure she won’t like being a 50% full time parent with her Big Important Job though, since she only wants to do the fun parts of parenting.



PP: She gets to do the non-fun ones like chores and the mental load!
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 19:40     Subject: I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why are you hiring the baby sitter? Can he just hire one himself?

Tho honestly I’d throw the video game system away. If he’s neglecting his kids because of it, it’s gotta go.


He plays every day!


Who cares? I read every day - should my spouse toss my books?


No. Your spouse should toss your books if you are making your spouse hire a sitter so you can sit in your room and read 6 hrs a day instead of being a parent.


No, you do not “toss” other people’s belongings. Who the hell do you think you are?

OP needs to use her words like a big girl. If she isn’t happy after that, then divorce. Pretty sure she won’t like being a 50% full time parent with her Big Important Job though, since she only wants to do the fun parts of parenting.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 19:37     Subject: I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband really wanted kids. He assured me would be the primarily caregiver.

I am very focused on my career and wrk long hours.

He assured me that he would be happy to be the primary caregiver

Now this has called a lot of resentment.

He does do drop off and pick up in 75% of cases.

But he does none of the cooking, admin, finding daycare, applying for passport, etc.

He thinks I should do that because I do less of the direct care.

If I need to work on the weekend, I have to hire a babysitter so that he can play video games. He can’t handle more than 3 hours taking care of a toddler.

I work 60 hours a week and he works 45 hours a week.

I have no free time.

He has plenty.

Love the baby and I like my career.

Our marriage is strained because we fight about childcare and tasks all the time.

I thought that it’s possible for a guy to be the main caretaker.

Was naive.

Marriages work much better when they follow traditional gender roles, except for a few circumstances. But that’s the exception not the rule.

Unfortunately I make more than he does so I cannot step back.

I am exhausted and resentful of him.

Your husband is a d-bag not because of the tasks, but because he lies to manipulate you into getting what he wants. Sell his video games/stuff so that he contributes 1/3 and you contribute 2/3 of the babysitting expenses. Has he tried a mealkit--really helpful for non-intellectuals/stressed to do the cooking? Can he order doordash? You can do the admin, passport, and daycare as you are the brains. When gender roles are reversed, men often do additional chores other than paychecks such as trash, lawn, etc. You need to be using your money to delegate to hired staff/local teens, but DH can sell his things. Also, once you find a pre-school, life may get a lot easier for you both-do that first.


She does not get to “sell” things that belong to him. You are absurd.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 19:37     Subject: Re:I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:OP, I was working a 60 hour a week job and my husband was working a 40 hour a week job when we had a new baby. Your husband isn't stepping up--he's doing the bare minimum. A couple that works a combined 100 hour week doesn't have time for 3 hours of video games a night. Entertainment consists of listing to a podcast while cleaning the kitchen and packing for the next day and doing laundry.

I'd suggest you consider coming home for family time post-daycare and before dinner. That way you get family time and he gets support with the kid while you make dinner together. Then you can sign back onto work while he does house stuff. He shouldn't be too tired then since you'll have shared baby duty post-daycare.

Your husband needs to step up. All of the commenters railing on you for working too much would never say that to a man. They may claim differently, but don't believe it.


Op: I did that a few times and it did not work.

He ate dinner. Sent a few emails taking advantage that I was there and after the kid went to bed, he went on to relax while I did the remainder of the house chores. And I did not finish my work.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 19:26     Subject: Re:I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:OP, I was working a 60 hour a week job and my husband was working a 40 hour a week job when we had a new baby. Your husband isn't stepping up--he's doing the bare minimum. A couple that works a combined 100 hour week doesn't have time for 3 hours of video games a night. Entertainment consists of listing to a podcast while cleaning the kitchen and packing for the next day and doing laundry.

I'd suggest you consider coming home for family time post-daycare and before dinner. That way you get family time and he gets support with the kid while you make dinner together. Then you can sign back onto work while he does house stuff. He shouldn't be too tired then since you'll have shared baby duty post-daycare.

Your husband needs to step up. All of the commenters railing on you for working too much would never say that to a man. They may claim differently, but don't believe it.


He does NOT play 3 hours of video games a night. He said that if she adds on work on the weekend (and therefore wants him to add on his childcare duties), then he wants hire a sitter so he can get free time.

He is not under any obligation to do ALL the cleaning of the kitchen and packing for the next day and laundry simply because his wife works longer hours. She is just as responsible for household duties as he is. He isn’t a stay at home dad.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 19:22     Subject: I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
You were both naive about having a baby. Someone who works 45 hrs can’t also be responsible for all childcare - that’s too much to put on one person. You need to hire more help, or you need to work fewer hours.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2022 19:22     Subject: Re:I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
OP, I was working a 60 hour a week job and my husband was working a 40 hour a week job when we had a new baby. Your husband isn't stepping up--he's doing the bare minimum. A couple that works a combined 100 hour week doesn't have time for 3 hours of video games a night. Entertainment consists of listing to a podcast while cleaning the kitchen and packing for the next day and doing laundry.

I'd suggest you consider coming home for family time post-daycare and before dinner. That way you get family time and he gets support with the kid while you make dinner together. Then you can sign back onto work while he does house stuff. He shouldn't be too tired then since you'll have shared baby duty post-daycare.

Your husband needs to step up. All of the commenters railing on you for working too much would never say that to a man. They may claim differently, but don't believe it.