Anonymous wrote:My husband:

High earner (~$500k)
Trust fund (~$5-10M)
In good shape and tall
Unique eye color
Cooks and cleans without being asked
Extremely patient, never yells
Loves animals, especially dogs
Great with our kids and does more than just the fun stuff
Supports my career by eagerly taking off work for unexpected last minute things and attends kid meetings instead of me
Conscientious about social issues like sexism, racism, wealth inequality
Expensive hobbies that put us in touch with the rich and powerful
Medium libido, 1-2x per week
Bi
Talks constantly about own hobbies and interests
Understands nothing about finance, spends a lot, I manage everything
Emotionally needy, needs constant verbal affirmation
Expects that I defer to him in major life decisions
Works constantly, always on screens, dips out of events to make calls
No grad degree, state school undergrad
Not interested in giving head
Job brings public scrutiny and death threats
Meddling family who have tried to break us apart

These three are really bad. Does he expect BJs?

Anonymous wrote:My husband:

High earner (~$500k)
Trust fund (~$5-10M)
In good shape and tall
Unique eye color
Cooks and cleans without being asked
Extremely patient, never yells
Loves animals, especially dogs
Great with our kids and does more than just the fun stuff
Supports my career by eagerly taking off work for unexpected last minute things and attends kid meetings instead of me
Conscientious about social issues like sexism, racism, wealth inequality
Expensive hobbies that put us in touch with the rich and powerful
Medium libido, 1-2x per week
Bi
Talks constantly about own hobbies and interests
Understands nothing about finance, spends a lot, I manage everything
Emotionally needy, needs constant verbal affirmation
Expects that I defer to him in major life decisions
Works constantly, always on screens, dips out of events to make calls
No grad degree, state school undergrad
Not interested in giving head
Job brings public scrutiny and death threats
Meddling family who have tried to break us apart

For that much money, I’d give him verbal affirmation every five minutes.

My husband:

High earner (~$500k)
Trust fund (~$5-10M)
In good shape and tall
Unique eye color
Cooks and cleans without being asked
Extremely patient, never yells
Loves animals, especially dogs
Great with our kids and does more than just the fun stuff
Supports my career by eagerly taking off work for unexpected last minute things and attends kid meetings instead of me
Conscientious about social issues like sexism, racism, wealth inequality
Expensive hobbies that put us in touch with the rich and powerful
Medium libido, 1-2x per week
Bi
Talks constantly about own hobbies and interests
Understands nothing about finance, spends a lot, I manage everything
Emotionally needy, needs constant verbal affirmation
Expects that I defer to him in major life decisions
Works constantly, always on screens, dips out of events to make calls
No grad degree, state school undergrad
Not interested in giving head
Job brings public scrutiny and death threats
Meddling family who have tried to break us apart

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind, caring, active and involved dad
Intelligent and interesting to talk with
Humble
Decent earner, Ivy educated ($200k+)
Great cook and does most of the cooking
Speaks other languages, interested in different cultures
On top of daily chores
Good sense of humor
Handsome, in decent shape
Generous and creative in bed
Frugal
Reliable
Supports my career
Always remembers birthdays and anniversaries
Easygoing most of the time, leaves long range planning to me
Rarely plans dates
Short fuse — yells and insults when stressed
Not the best listener
Is OCD about time
Gets defensive easily
Working on being more self aware

You H is almost my mini-me, but I'm not OCD about time and I'm not good at remembering birthdays and anniversaries - W here.

I left out that he’s highly — and I mean highly — critical. He can continue criticizing my character for over an hour and it’s non stop. I am tired of feeling that no matter what I do he’s never going to be in love with me as I would like someone to be. Maybe I should be with you instead?

Not PP, but hugs to you. I'm just flabbergasted that a person could treat their spouse that way. It's maddening to me. Unless you are a chronic liar, cheater, embezzler, philanderer, child abuser etc, and deserve hour long critiques of your character -- that would be unacceptable to me. My mother would go on at lengths at how I dress sloppy (not my priority these days with 2 toddlers and 100% WFH), don't keep a clean enough house (true!), waste money on unnecessary things (we are actually very reasonable and frugal, but she's a first gen immigrant who is extremely tight with money), waste food by letting it spoil (true and I hate it but it takes some time management to completely avoid), don't train my husband well enough (eye roll)....she can literally scold me for hours nonstop. There's huge generational and cultural gaps that have led me to give up on changing her.
I just try to minimize my exposure instead. but I would never put up with this from a spouse though.

He’s working on it and I know he has some past childhood issues to overcome about how he wasn’t heard, and his needs weren’t taken into account.

However I really appreciate your comment and I need to consider whether this is acceptable to me or not. A request to change something that’s bothering him would be totally acceptable, if it came with a good faith trust that I was willing and able to do it. But that’s not what this is. I could be doing the very things he is accusing me of not doing in the moment and he just can’t see it. I get the feeling when he’s ranting that he is in the grip of some very strong emotion and unable to get back to a loving and trusting partnership. I know this is his issue but it really wears on me, despite all of the above good things which I fully acknowledge.

Yes, I hope my comment didn't come off as judgmental. I truly just want to give you a hug through the internet because you don't deserve that type of behavior. But it does seem that his behavior may be changeable, if hopefully he is willing to work on it. Ranting in general seems to reflect lack of self awareness and self control, so his lashing out really has nothing to do with you. CBT could help maybe.

^i had a boyfriend who kept two citrus trees on his patio and used to talk to them about baseball. That was pretty adorable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The good:

Breathtakingly stunning. Tall, dark, and handsome.
Full, thick, luxurious hair with no signs of losing it and no excessive body hair.
Perfect balance of muscular and lean.
Highly involved father, including with my child from a previous marriage. Truly loves being a dad.
One of the smartest people I’ve ever met. Knows everything, always wins trivia night.
Hilarious and thinks I am, too.
High sex drive without being creepy or pushy. Similar sexual interests.
Giving and generous in bed, listens to what I want and doesn’t make me feel bad about it.
Loving, emotionally intelligent, a caregiver.
Engaged. Would rather spend time with me and the kids than on a screen.
Same hobbies as me, so we get to do them together (and as a family).
Good with our dogs, does a huge portion of their care.
Has a bunch of weird little quirks I find so endearing (that I don’t want to name because people would definitely recognize him, ha)

The Bad:

Takes FOREVER to do anything. I have to lie about when we need to leave for things, if I say 6pm he won’t be ready until 7-730. Or takes three hours to clean one room.
Night owl while I’m an early bird. So I often find myself staying up later than I’d like (and feeling sleep deprived) so we can spend time together, but he’ll rarely get up early for me (says he will but sleeps in anyway).
Underachiever. SO smart but intimidated to get a degree. Happy with a mediocre job with mediocre pay. Not bad pay or a bad job, but not what he’d really love to be doing. But, it does give him amazing work-life balance, which we both prefer anyway.
Very different tastes in movies and shows, so we can never find anything to watch. He’s very artsy and likes weird things, I just like regular ol’ entertainment that doesn’t make me think too hard.

How would we recognize him if has a mediocre job/career?

Sounds like maybe he's recognizable for a quirk or hobby of some kind? Now I'm curious what that is!

LOL! He's pretty quirky and would definitely get him recognized. But sort of along the lines of, super passionate about growing rare species of orchids. So the house is full of orchids, he took a job next to an orchid field so he can be around them all day, comes home randomly super excited about the new orchid he found, after the kids are in bed and I'm ready for some action he'll say "I wanna go look at my orchids" and wanders off for an hour to fiddle around with them. I find it SO adorable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind, caring, active and involved dad
Intelligent and interesting to talk with
Humble
Decent earner, Ivy educated ($200k+)
Great cook and does most of the cooking
Speaks other languages, interested in different cultures
On top of daily chores
Good sense of humor
Handsome, in decent shape
Generous and creative in bed
Frugal
Reliable
Supports my career
Always remembers birthdays and anniversaries
Easygoing most of the time, leaves long range planning to me
Rarely plans dates
Short fuse — yells and insults when stressed
Not the best listener
Is OCD about time
Gets defensive easily
Working on being more self aware

You H is almost my mini-me, but I'm not OCD about time and I'm not good at remembering birthdays and anniversaries - W here.

I left out that he’s highly — and I mean highly — critical. He can continue criticizing my character for over an hour and it’s non stop. I am tired of feeling that no matter what I do he’s never going to be in love with me as I would like someone to be. Maybe I should be with you instead?

Not PP, but hugs to you. I'm just flabbergasted that a person could treat their spouse that way. It's maddening to me. Unless you are a chronic liar, cheater, embezzler, philanderer, child abuser etc, and deserve hour long critiques of your character -- that would be unacceptable to me. My mother would go on at lengths at how I dress sloppy (not my priority these days with 2 toddlers and 100% WFH), don't keep a clean enough house (true!), waste money on unnecessary things (we are actually very reasonable and frugal, but she's a first gen immigrant who is extremely tight with money), waste food by letting it spoil (true and I hate it but it takes some time management to completely avoid), don't train my husband well enough (eye roll)....she can literally scold me for hours nonstop. There's huge generational and cultural gaps that have led me to give up on changing her.
I just try to minimize my exposure instead. but I would never put up with this from a spouse though.

He’s working on it and I know he has some past childhood issues to overcome about how he wasn’t heard, and his needs weren’t taken into account.

However I really appreciate your comment and I need to consider whether this is acceptable to me or not. A request to change something that’s bothering him would be totally acceptable, if it came with a good faith trust that I was willing and able to do it. But that’s not what this is. I could be doing the very things he is accusing me of not doing in the moment and he just can’t see it. I get the feeling when he’s ranting that he is in the grip of some very strong emotion and unable to get back to a loving and trusting partnership. I know this is his issue but it really wears on me, despite all of the above good things which I fully acknowledge.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind, caring, active and involved dad
Intelligent and interesting to talk with
Humble
Decent earner, Ivy educated ($200k+)
Great cook and does most of the cooking
Speaks other languages, interested in different cultures
On top of daily chores
Good sense of humor
Handsome, in decent shape
Generous and creative in bed
Frugal
Reliable
Supports my career
Always remembers birthdays and anniversaries
Easygoing most of the time, leaves long range planning to me
Rarely plans dates
Short fuse — yells and insults when stressed
Not the best listener
Is OCD about time
Gets defensive easily
Working on being more self aware

You H is almost my mini-me, but I'm not OCD about time and I'm not good at remembering birthdays and anniversaries - W here.

I left out that he’s highly — and I mean highly — critical. He can continue criticizing my character for over an hour and it’s non stop. I am tired of feeling that no matter what I do he’s never going to be in love with me as I would like someone to be. Maybe I should be with you instead?

Not PP, but hugs to you. I'm just flabbergasted that a person could treat their spouse that way. It's maddening to me. Unless you are a chronic liar, cheater, embezzler, philanderer, child abuser etc, and deserve hour long critiques of your character -- that would be unacceptable to me. My mother would go on at lengths at how I dress sloppy (not my priority these days with 2 toddlers and 100% WFH), don't keep a clean enough house (true!), waste money on unnecessary things (we are actually very reasonable and frugal, but she's a first gen immigrant who is extremely tight with money), waste food by letting it spoil (true and I hate it but it takes some time management to completely avoid), don't train my husband well enough (eye roll)....she can literally scold me for hours nonstop. There's huge generational and cultural gaps that have led me to give up on changing her.
I just try to minimize my exposure instead. but I would never put up with this from a spouse though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind, caring, active and involved dad
Intelligent and interesting to talk with
Humble
Decent earner, Ivy educated ($200k+)
Great cook and does most of the cooking
Speaks other languages, interested in different cultures
On top of daily chores
Good sense of humor
Handsome, in decent shape
Generous and creative in bed
Frugal
Reliable
Supports my career
Always remembers birthdays and anniversaries
Easygoing most of the time, leaves long range planning to me
Rarely plans dates
Short fuse — yells and insults when stressed
Not the best listener
Is OCD about time
Gets defensive easily
Working on being more self aware

You H is almost my mini-me, but I'm not OCD about time and I'm not good at remembering birthdays and anniversaries - W here.

I left out that he’s highly — and I mean highly — critical. He can continue criticizing my character for over an hour and it’s non stop. I am tired of feeling that no matter what I do he’s never going to be in love with me as I would like someone to be. Maybe I should be with you instead?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good looking and fit enough
High earner $500-$600k with a schedule that can be unpredictable and involved working some holidays and weekends but works mostly 7am-4pm weekdays
Intelligent, educated, cultured, worldly, keeps up with currents events and prefers classical music
Speaks several languages
Loves dogs
Cooks well but seldom does it and spends a lot of money on restaurants
Favorite things to spend on are restaurants, 5-star hotels and alcohol.
Skilled in bed, gorgeous privates, enjoys giving oral
Spends time engaged with DCs in activities they enjoy
Never tires of listening to himself talk and at times will not stop talking
Disrespectful, insulting to people deemed inferior which is often me
Commanding and controlling, demands behaviors and angry and insulting when not done or done “correctly”
Refuses to buy a house or save for college
Drinks up to ten drinks a day on weekends and several every evening
Won’t spend time with my family or friends, only his.

Sounds like a good affair partner, and a terrible husband.

NP. Ten drinks in a day is absolutely alcoholic territory. Confining the heaviest drinking to weekends does not mean he isn't alcoholic; the DW should read up on "weekend alcoholics" and binge drinking.

Would also wonder: It's a strong positive he spends time with DCs in activites they like, but if he is also someone who deems people inferior to himself and gets angry when things are not done "correctly" -- he will eventually turn those behaviors on the children, even if he seems like a good dad right now re: activities and interactions. Either he'll start to pick at their "doing things the wrong way" or he will insist they do everything perfectly and need no correction or discipline. Either route is terrible for kids and teens to grow up with. Plus, sounds like maybe they won't get to head to college since dad is so self-centered he wont' save for college even with a very high income. Wow. Does it seem like maybe he doesn't actually care about their futures, he only enjoys doing stuff with them for the moment, now that the kids are malleable and "fun" to him.

The ONLY thing that PP mentions that is positive about the DH's relationship with her as his wife is that the sex is good. That weighs little compared to everything else. DCUM thinks good sex is the ultimate reason for being or staying married. But sex won't mean much when they approach an impoverished retirement due to college bills, and have kids who are either cowed or spoiled, and DW feels belittled and isolated (he only sees his own family and friends...wonder how often SHE has said no to her own friends and family because DH didn't want to do something?). All those things are not magically made OK by his income and good sex. It sounds like a marriage that could stumble along for decades because it's mostly OK and well-funded on the surface, and the DW will wake up to find she doesn't even like the alcoholic she's married to, once the kids are gone. I'm sorry for her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only wife who has a very high sex drive paired with a low sex drive, vanilla DH? DH is otherwise absolutely perfect for me (not objectively perfect, but I personally have no other complaints).

Me too.

DH is handsome, kind, well-read, funny, an excellent dad, a decent cook, generous in bed, and never angry or rude. We enjoy the same activities, shows, and politics.

Unfortunately he is also low drive, has hoarding tendencies, and displays poor executive function leading to underemployment. I honestly believe all three are related, some kind of anxiety / repression combo he's not willing to deal with.

I'm the PP wife. Has he always been like this, or getting worse with age and life responsibilities? It does sound like he could be helped by treating the underlying psych. causes. I personally suffer from ADHD and anxiety. Neither of these generally affect my sex drive, but sometimes not being able to cope with everything to my satisfaction leads to extra stress and really inefficient work, which leads to fatigue and low self esteem, which leaves less room for sex.

In the case of my wonderful DH, I think he's just innately lower drive, unfortunately. He could keep up with me when we first started dating, but by year 2-3, I could tell there was a difference. Outside of the bedroom, he is very high achieving and emotionally well adjusted. In fact, maybe my high drive is related to my neediness haha. But sex drives are not constant over one's lifetime, so who knows what will happen going forward.

Anonymous wrote:Kind, caring, active and involved dad
Intelligent and interesting to talk with
Humble
Decent earner, Ivy educated ($200k+)
Great cook and does most of the cooking
Speaks other languages, interested in different cultures
On top of daily chores
Good sense of humor
Handsome, in decent shape
Generous and creative in bed
Frugal
Reliable
Supports my career
Always remembers birthdays and anniversaries
Easygoing most of the time, leaves long range planning to me
Rarely plans dates
Short fuse — yells and insults when stressed
Not the best listener
Is OCD about time
Gets defensive easily
Working on being more self aware

You H is almost my mini-me, but I'm not OCD about time and I'm not good at remembering birthdays and anniversaries - W here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife:

Educated, PhD from good school
Wonderful mom, on top of all the kids schedules, heavily involved in schools
Good fashion sense.
Likes to have fun, decent sense of humor
Excellent shape, into fitness
Great cook.
Zero libido, not willing to work on it. Sex 3-6x a year for last decade.

Oh, forgot to mention, SAHM, hasn't worked in 14 years

Does she tell everyone about her worthless PhD?

DW

Pretty, great as-, could lose ten pounds
Sexy, sexy dresser
Great in bed, about once/week, occasionally less, occasionally more
Highly educated, good schools
Speaks three languages, well-traveled
Well read, interesting, curious, charming, fun--great dinner party guest
Underemployed and part-time
A bit disorganized
Moody, suffers from depression but takes meds
Introverted and needs a lot of rest

(No kids together and won't have any. I have grown kids from first marriage).

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only wife who has a very high sex drive paired with a low sex drive, vanilla DH? DH is otherwise absolutely perfect for me (not objectively perfect, but I personally have no other complaints).

Me too.

DH is handsome, kind, well-read, funny, an excellent dad, a decent cook, generous in bed, and never angry or rude. We enjoy the same activities, shows, and politics.

Unfortunately he is also low drive, has hoarding tendencies, and displays poor executive function leading to underemployment. I honestly believe all three are related, some kind of anxiety / repression combo he's not willing to deal with.