Anonymous
Post 11/17/2021 10:26     Subject: If you're a family who expects your kids to eat what's put in front of them, do you make exceptions?
On the kids' table thing, I always sat at the kids' table in my extended family gatherings and I didn't mind. In that house it was a function of size. Large Italian family and not enough room for everyone in the dining room, even with large table. It was a way to get away from adult supervision, for one thing And it made sitting at the "adult table" a fun milestone especially with a glass of red wine with dinner.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2021 10:06     Subject: Re:If you're a family who expects your kids to eat what's put in front of them, do you make exceptions?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No. They've always eaten what we make/give them. Never had any food issues. I don't expect them to sample one of everything over holidays. They eat, and stop once they're full.


My question is whether you're choosing what they eat at the holidays, or you're making an exception and allowing them to choose.

I'm asking because I have a family member who believes this -- that kids should eat what's put in front of them, which I understand in her home, but she's not an adventurous cook, so he kids are used to food being familiar. As we plan Christmas dinner, she keeps objecting to foods because she thinks her kids won't like it and she feels like it's mean to expect them to have to eat food they don't like at Christmas.

I'm trying to find a middle ground between unhappy kids, and the rest of us not having to eat foods that are "little kid friendly".

If you’re hosting the meal and cooking then ask your relative to bring something that her kids will eat.


We'll have a ton of things her kids will eat.

The issue is that she thinks that we should only have things her kids will eat. For example, there has been discussion of Beef Wellington. Her kids don't like mushrooms. But we'll also have ham, which they like, and mac and cheese which they love and turkey which they're OK with. So, the kids will not be protein deprived. Same with every food group.


Can you bill some things as the "main meal" and others as "bonus dishes" and convince her the kids only need to eat the main meal?


I'm hesitant to change how I talk to my own kids. So, for my kids, I don't want to tell them that the beef Wellington they helped prepare isn't part of the meal. If she wants to tell her kids that, I guess that's fine. I feel like if the goal is to eventually end up with kids who like a variety of foods including beef Wellington, that's not really gonna help. I think it's also going to invite comments if my kids don't eat something that has been declared the "main meal". Stating "look we have these delicious protein foods, you can pick one or more. I'm going to have beef Wellington and some turkey." is more likely to work.

I wrote the OP thinking that perhaps there was some feeding expert who advises this style of feeding, and that someone would say "Oh, I feed my kids that way too. I got it from X book" and I could go read X book, and then understand it and be able to problem solve. It really does seem, however, that that is not the case. Which makes me think that there is some dynamic I am overlooking. Without understanding that, I don't think I'm going to get anywhere with thinking up a compromise.


I am the PP you are responding to. There is no "real" solution here--your family member has a very restrictive way of feeding her kids that is not compatible with a holiday dinner for a large crowd. Something has to give. If I were hosting, I would just prepare the meal as usual, making sure there was something everybody could eat, and then let everyone sort out their unique kid issues on their own. But, you asked for advice for how to accommodate this person without actually changing your menu. You are not going to change her mind or her parenting style--no matter how many books you read--so the best you can do is (a) stand firm and deal with the blowback or (b) come up with some goofy surface fix, like I suggested, just to get through the day with minimal conflict.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2021 09:54     Subject: Re:If you're a family who expects your kids to eat what's put in front of them, do you make exceptions?
Stop. This is not a real problem. That is why there is no solution.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2021 09:35     Subject: Re:If you're a family who expects your kids to eat what's put in front of them, do you make exceptions?
OP, I am finding your latest updates incredibly frustrating. There is no compromise to be had that will make your completely unreasonable relative happy that does not involve needless upheaval for everyone else. You are not even hosting this event! You know perfectly well that it’s insane that she wants to dictate the entire menu for 25 people just so her kids don’t come across as the picky eaters that they are, and also? Everyone in the family surely knows by now that the kids are picky. There is no role for you here and nothing to be gained.

Earlier you identified what sounds like the reason for your relative’s bizarre request: she is worried that her kids will look bad with their dramatic food refusals, while your kids will look relatively good. Her way of thinking about this situation is controlling and not healthy. Why are you validating her feelings here or engaging in talking about her ridiculous demands at all? Just stop!
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2021 09:17     Subject: Re:If you're a family who expects your kids to eat what's put in front of them, do you make exceptions?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No. They've always eaten what we make/give them. Never had any food issues. I don't expect them to sample one of everything over holidays. They eat, and stop once they're full.


My question is whether you're choosing what they eat at the holidays, or you're making an exception and allowing them to choose.

I'm asking because I have a family member who believes this -- that kids should eat what's put in front of them, which I understand in her home, but she's not an adventurous cook, so he kids are used to food being familiar. As we plan Christmas dinner, she keeps objecting to foods because she thinks her kids won't like it and she feels like it's mean to expect them to have to eat food they don't like at Christmas.

I'm trying to find a middle ground between unhappy kids, and the rest of us not having to eat foods that are "little kid friendly".

If you’re hosting the meal and cooking then ask your relative to bring something that her kids will eat.


We'll have a ton of things her kids will eat.

The issue is that she thinks that we should only have things her kids will eat. For example, there has been discussion of Beef Wellington. Her kids don't like mushrooms. But we'll also have ham, which they like, and mac and cheese which they love and turkey which they're OK with. So, the kids will not be protein deprived. Same with every food group.


Can you bill some things as the "main meal" and others as "bonus dishes" and convince her the kids only need to eat the main meal?


I'm hesitant to change how I talk to my own kids. So, for my kids, I don't want to tell them that the beef Wellington they helped prepare isn't part of the meal. If she wants to tell her kids that, I guess that's fine. I feel like if the goal is to eventually end up with kids who like a variety of foods including beef Wellington, that's not really gonna help. I think it's also going to invite comments if my kids don't eat something that has been declared the "main meal". Stating "look we have these delicious protein foods, you can pick one or more. I'm going to have beef Wellington and some turkey." is more likely to work.

I wrote the OP thinking that perhaps there was some feeding expert who advises this style of feeding, and that someone would say "Oh, I feed my kids that way too. I got it from X book" and I could go read X book, and then understand it and be able to problem solve. It really does seem, however, that that is not the case. Which makes me think that there is some dynamic I am overlooking. Without understanding that, I don't think I'm going to get anywhere with thinking up a compromise.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2021 09:16     Subject: Re:If you're a family who expects your kids to eat what's put in front of them, do you make exceptions?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No. They've always eaten what we make/give them. Never had any food issues. I don't expect them to sample one of everything over holidays. They eat, and stop once they're full.


My question is whether you're choosing what they eat at the holidays, or you're making an exception and allowing them to choose.

I'm asking because I have a family member who believes this -- that kids should eat what's put in front of them, which I understand in her home, but she's not an adventurous cook, so he kids are used to food being familiar. As we plan Christmas dinner, she keeps objecting to foods because she thinks her kids won't like it and she feels like it's mean to expect them to have to eat food they don't like at Christmas.

I'm trying to find a middle ground between unhappy kids, and the rest of us not having to eat foods that are "little kid friendly".

If you’re hosting the meal and cooking then ask your relative to bring something that her kids will eat.


We'll have a ton of things her kids will eat.

The issue is that she thinks that we should only have things her kids will eat. For example, there has been discussion of Beef Wellington. Her kids don't like mushrooms. But we'll also have ham, which they like, and mac and cheese which they love and turkey which they're OK with. So, the kids will not be protein deprived. Same with every food group.


Can you bill some things as the "main meal" and others as "bonus dishes" and convince her the kids only need to eat the main meal?


I'm hesitant to change how I talk to my own kids. So, for my kids, I don't want to tell them that the beef Wellington they helped prepare isn't part of the meal. If she wants to tell her kids that, I guess that's fine. I feel like if the goal is to eventually end up with kids who like a variety of foods including beef Wellington, that's not really gonna help. I think it's also going to invite comments if my kids don't eat something that has been declared the "main meal". Stating "look we have these delicious protein foods, you can pick one or more. I'm going to have beef Wellington and some turkey." is more likely to work.

I wrote the OP thinking that perhaps there was some feeding expert who advises this style of feeding, and that someone would say "Oh, I feed my kids that way too. I got it from X book" and I could go read X book, and then understand it and be able to problem solve. It really does seem, however, that that is not the case. Which makes me think that there is some dynamic I am overlooking. Without understanding that, I don't think I'm going to get anywhere with thinking up a compromise.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2021 08:43     Subject: Re:If you're a family who expects your kids to eat what's put in front of them, do you make exceptions?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No idea if this would work for your family but perhaps having the meal buffet style with a separate childrens' table? Seems less likely that the adults will notice what the kids are eating.


OP here,

Am I the only one who really hates the children's table? I'd rather serve all "kid friendly food" then banish my children from the table.


Np I always sat at the “kids table” during large family gatherings. I had the absolute best time with my cousins. We played lots of games and I really enjoyed eating with them. I have about 10 cousins my age. And when we all started having kids in our 30s, we started the youngest generation table. There’s nothing wrong with a kid table. I had to eat with my parents every night.


The kids aren't eating with their own parents, they're eating with grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles, whoever they choose. I'm not saying that other people shouldn't do a kids' table. I would like to figure out a solution that doesn't take away the things my children like, whether those are certain foods, or sitting next to a relative they don't get to see very often.


I guess we spent the entire day with our extended relatives. Our Thanksgivings had 60+ people at them, so it was pretty obvious there were "nicer" tables and then folding tables with not as nice china. The oldest generation got to sit at the best tables and youngest sat at the worst. We usually moved to new tables for dessert too. Still, eating with cousins is very special. I know my parents enjoyed eating with their siblings/cousins/aunts too. I think kids tables are great because then the kids can go play games while the adults chat much, much longer over coffee.


OP here,

I think this might, in part, be a function of individual family dynamics. My kids see these cousins (the only two groups of kids) a couple times a week. They shared childcare for a year during the pandemic and ate together every day. So, they'd rather eat with the people they don't see often.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2021 08:34     Subject: Re:If you're a family who expects your kids to eat what's put in front of them, do you make exceptions?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No. They've always eaten what we make/give them. Never had any food issues. I don't expect them to sample one of everything over holidays. They eat, and stop once they're full.


My question is whether you're choosing what they eat at the holidays, or you're making an exception and allowing them to choose.

I'm asking because I have a family member who believes this -- that kids should eat what's put in front of them, which I understand in her home, but she's not an adventurous cook, so he kids are used to food being familiar. As we plan Christmas dinner, she keeps objecting to foods because she thinks her kids won't like it and she feels like it's mean to expect them to have to eat food they don't like at Christmas.

I'm trying to find a middle ground between unhappy kids, and the rest of us not having to eat foods that are "little kid friendly".

If you’re hosting the meal and cooking then ask your relative to bring something that her kids will eat.


We'll have a ton of things her kids will eat.

The issue is that she thinks that we should only have things her kids will eat. For example, there has been discussion of Beef Wellington. Her kids don't like mushrooms. But we'll also have ham, which they like, and mac and cheese which they love and turkey which they're OK with. So, the kids will not be protein deprived. Same with every food group.


Can you bill some things as the "main meal" and others as "bonus dishes" and convince her the kids only need to eat the main meal?
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2021 08:26     Subject: Re:If you're a family who expects your kids to eat what's put in front of them, do you make exceptions?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No idea if this would work for your family but perhaps having the meal buffet style with a separate childrens' table? Seems less likely that the adults will notice what the kids are eating.


OP here,

Am I the only one who really hates the children's table? I'd rather serve all "kid friendly food" then banish my children from the table.


Np I always sat at the “kids table” during large family gatherings. I had the absolute best time with my cousins. We played lots of games and I really enjoyed eating with them. I have about 10 cousins my age. And when we all started having kids in our 30s, we started the youngest generation table. There’s nothing wrong with a kid table. I had to eat with my parents every night.


The kids aren't eating with their own parents, they're eating with grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles, whoever they choose. I'm not saying that other people shouldn't do a kids' table. I would like to figure out a solution that doesn't take away the things my children like, whether those are certain foods, or sitting next to a relative they don't get to see very often.


I guess we spent the entire day with our extended relatives. Our Thanksgivings had 60+ people at them, so it was pretty obvious there were "nicer" tables and then folding tables with not as nice china. The oldest generation got to sit at the best tables and youngest sat at the worst. We usually moved to new tables for dessert too. Still, eating with cousins is very special. I know my parents enjoyed eating with their siblings/cousins/aunts too. I think kids tables are great because then the kids can go play games while the adults chat much, much longer over coffee.