Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if his penis was in another hole, you’d be okay with him coming home and putting it in your hole? That’s kind of the base level question here.

Shower first, please.

By then the bacterial/viral infection has already set in. You can’t wash off hiv or chlamydia.

There is such a thing called condom.

Guys don't always use condoms with APs, especially if they think she can't get pregnant.

Also, condoms, don't prevent all STIs.

You don't have to drag down EVERY FRICKIN POST about sexual relations by bringing up STIs. We are adults. We know about it. We also know how to have sex without catching cooties. I presume you did too when you were single and riding a bunch of Ds? Seriously, can you just stop?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if his penis was in another hole, you’d be okay with him coming home and putting it in your hole? That’s kind of the base level question here.

Shower first, please.

By then the bacterial/viral infection has already set in. You can’t wash off hiv or chlamydia.

There is such a thing called condom.

Guys don't always use condoms with APs, especially if they think she can't get pregnant.

Also, condoms, don't prevent all STIs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if his penis was in another hole, you’d be okay with him coming home and putting it in your hole? That’s kind of the base level question here.

Shower first, please.

By then the bacterial/viral infection has already set in. You can’t wash off hiv or chlamydia.

There is such a thing called condom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife admitted to cheating early on before kids. I really didn’t take it to hard. But now I’ve cheated 3 different times since finding out and I feel better about the situation.

I can't tell if you were trying to be funny, but I had a similar experience. Found out my wife cheated on me when we were engaged. I have since cheated 2x in marriage. The thing is, once you cheat yourself, you realize the sky didn't fall, and its. just. sex. We all have it, we all want it and often with someone new.

I wish we could be less uptight about it. I don't exactly want to know who she is with or why but if she is smart enough to do it and get away with it, more power to her.

So she doesn't know you've cheated during the marriage?

And she can clearly expect you to cheat again because "we all want it and often with someone new," right?

Why bother with the commitment of marriage, then? Is it financial? So you can have kids in the societally most approved way? Because for some people the idea of marriage is commitment including sexual commitment, because to them it's Not. Just. Sex. but an expression of emotional intimacy. Not for you, obviously. So why bother with marriage at all? Your'e going to come back to say you do love her but sex is just physical for you, perhaps?

If you truly believe it's merely gratification, you'd have told her and she'd be fine with it and getting her own on the side. Is she, or do you just hope she is, so you don't have to be the only cheater in the marriage? Your post indicates she is "with" other men but it's not clear. Is she cheating on you too? Because that makes it even more a case of: Why be married in the first place? It's meaningless to you and, if she's cheating too, it's meaningless to her. Be sexual partners but why do the pretense of commitment?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I care a lot less after 16 years of marriage. I wonder if people who get wound up over cheating are still in the new and passionate phase? I would have been far more hurt then. Now, I kinda get it.

I’m only 10 years married but I also kind of get it. I wouldn’t be thrilled but it’s not like I’d immediately run out for a divorce. I love having sex with DH and we actually still are pretty passionate but it’s not like I cant imagine it would be exciting to sleep with someone new and different.

NP. Imagining and doing are very different; the latter creates baggage. Would you be fine with DH having sex with another woman but continuing to have sex with you? So you wouldn't wonder if he was thinking of her during sex with you, or thinking of you during sex with her? Comparing you to her, judging whether he wanted her again, wanted some other "new and different" third woman, and so on? I think my spouse can imagine and fantasize all he wants but the idea of him having sex with someone else and bringing that picture in his head, into our bed, is something that I would find it very difficult to get past.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if his penis was in another hole, you’d be okay with him coming home and putting it in your hole? That’s kind of the base level question here.

Shower first, please.

By then the bacterial/viral infection has already set in. You can’t wash off hiv or chlamydia.

Anonymous wrote:So if his penis was in another hole, you’d be okay with him coming home and putting it in your hole? That’s kind of the base level question here.

Shower first, please.

So if his penis was in another hole, you’d be okay with him coming home and putting it in your hole? That’s kind of the base level question here.

Anonymous wrote:If you don't care about cheating, don't marry someone that does care about cheating. And Vice Versa. Period.

The problem is that many high value women want a monogamous relationship. High value men want a woman that only has sex with them as a wife, yet still want variety at some point in the marriage. These same men would never marry a cheater or open marriage chick.

Therein lies the rub.

They certainly won't marry the married woman they are banging . They wouldn't want to leave the house knowing she'd be banging another dude as soon as he left for work.

If you don't care about cheating, don't marry someone that does care about cheating. And Vice Versa. Period.

The problem is that many high value women want a monogamous relationship. High value men want a woman that only has sex with them as a wife, yet still want variety at some point in the marriage. These same men would never marry a cheater or open marriage chick.

Therein lies the rub.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know what you mean. There are about 1000 different ways to ruin your marriage and hurt your partner, and cheating may be just one of them... or it may not be a big deal. I don't understand people who are willing to go through absolute hell in order to "save" their marriage, but are ready to drop everything they built in a second, because OMG CHEATING.

Then don’t marry me. It was an expressed deal breaker before I said “I do”.

+1. I also expressed to my DH prior to our relationship and marriage that monogamy was required. Turns out he was cheating on me for most of our relationship. If he had bargained for something different at the start, I might not have been so upset, but he got monogamy from me and never gave the same back.

That one way street was a metaphor for our whole relationship.

Anonymous wrote:My wife admitted to cheating early on before kids. I really didn’t take it to hard. But now I’ve cheated 3 different times since finding out and I feel better about the situation.

I can't tell if you were trying to be funny, but I had a similar experience. Found out my wife cheated on me when we were engaged. I have since cheated 2x in marriage. The thing is, once you cheat yourself, you realize the sky didn't fall, and its. just. sex. We all have it, we all want it and often with someone new.

I wish we could be less uptight about it. I don't exactly want to know who she is with or why but if she is smart enough to do it and get away with it, more power to her.

My wife admitted to cheating early on before kids. I really didn’t take it to hard. But now I’ve cheated 3 different times since finding out and I feel better about the situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a sexless marriage and I would much MUCH rather be cheated on. This is far worse abandonment than if my spouse had sex with someone else.

But there is no cheating in a sexless marriage. Sexless equals open.

The topic is “does anyone care about cheating”.

I had a very active sex life and good marriage so it was traumatic, but I imagine anytime someone lies to your face and betrays you even without the inherent health risks I had to worry about it is pretty awful.

The mental images and re-examining and questioning what was real and the time they said they were at X or had a work trip- was that one true or was that a cover. What was said, what was done, how could they, etc? It’s awful years later.

Agree. And it doesn't matter what YOU think. It matters what your partner (the person you lie to, expose to disease, gaslight) thinks. If you are married and know that they never agreed to infidelity/being cheated on/dealbreaker and you married under these circumstances--it really doesn't matter if you think it's okay and the married floozy you are doing it with who hates her husband also thinks 'no big deal. it's just sex'. That misses the point completely. You have broken your partner's trust and sense of well-being forever.

Yep. And the fallout when the betrayed spouse finds out us years of therapy and antidepressants to get over the huge pain of being betrayed by the person that was supposed to have their back in this life, were thick as thieves, gave everything—-pain and trauma like that forever changes someone. So these people that play with others lives and have some deep attachment trauma from their your where marriage and vows and trust and integrity mean nothing- wonderful. But, unless you and your spouse agreed it’s okay to sleep with others, you area complete scumbag.

Why is this such a deep betrayal? Don't you have a desire to sleep with someone else? While no one wants their spouse to cheat, it's a very understandable mistake people make.

I don't understand why it would be hard to reconcile the fact that cheating is an understandable mistake *and* a deep betrayal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think part of the humiliation people feel if their spouse cheats is, not just that they got cheated on, but who their spouse cheated with. If it was a prostitute or some person who is rough around the edges, then it’s like - really? That’s what you think of me and the marriage? There may be people who don’t feel that kind of humiliation, but I’d say they are the ones who are compartmentalizing.

Not humiliation at all. Just disgust. And cheaters cheat because they are messed up, have issues. It makes sense they cheat with similar types. Affair down is real.

That’s a good explanation. Who else would cheat with them but another cheater?