Anonymous wrote:If you don’t care about blowing into a huge argument with your DH, I would just take their car keys and their phones, hide them somewhere they won’t find (even if you need to purchase a safe and just put them in there or perhaps you can just go out for the day — take your DH’s keys too if he’s not going to support you in this), and tell them they’ll get them back when they finish X number of essays.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t care about blowing into a huge argument with your DH, I would just take their car keys and their phones, hide them somewhere they won’t find (even if you need to purchase a safe and just put them in there or perhaps you can just go out for the day — take your DH’s keys too if he’s not going to support you in this), and tell them they’ll get them back when they finish X number of essays.

Ridiculous. Let the kids handle. Don’t treat them like toddlers.

If the parents own the cars and phones, this is not treating them like toddlers.

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t help them you’ll be stuck with them

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t care about blowing into a huge argument with your DH, I would just take their car keys and their phones, hide them somewhere they won’t find (even if you need to purchase a safe and just put them in there or perhaps you can just go out for the day — take your DH’s keys too if he’s not going to support you in this), and tell them they’ll get them back when they finish X number of essays.

Ridiculous. Let the kids handle. Don’t treat them like toddlers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the other posters.

Your husband saying HE will write their essays at the deadline is a huge red flag to me. Help them, yes. But write them for the kids? That's awful and teaching the kids horrible life lessons.

I would try to compromise with your husband/the kids and figure out a reasonable schedule. If they want to apply by October 15 and November 1, you need to tell them they need to have a first draft done by X date and they will not get their devices/car privileges until the first draft is done. I would absolutely put my foot down and not let your husband write the essays for them. You can be flexible on not applying early decision, whatever, but allowing a parent to write the essay will lead your kids to think someone will always be there to do their work for them and bail them out.

How do I do this? I don't know how to "not let" my husband to bail them out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the other posters.

Your husband saying HE will write their essays at the deadline is a huge red flag to me. Help them, yes. But write them for the kids? That's awful and teaching the kids horrible life lessons.

I would try to compromise with your husband/the kids and figure out a reasonable schedule. If they want to apply by October 15 and November 1, you need to tell them they need to have a first draft done by X date and they will not get their devices/car privileges until the first draft is done. I would absolutely put my foot down and not let your husband write the essays for them. You can be flexible on not applying early decision, whatever, but allowing a parent to write the essay will lead your kids to think someone will always be there to do their work for them and bail them out.

How do I do this? I don't know how to "not let" my husband to bail them out.

Tell him you’ll inform the schools that he is the author of the kids’ application essays. Therefore ensuring they will ge rejected from all.

Anonymous wrote:I have (just turned) 18 year old senior twins. Both are great students and have strong test scores.
They will not address much college related. We went on many tours, they have lists.
One is 80% there with the personal statement, one is 20% there.
Both have done nothing more.
They have all sorts of applications that are due on Oct 15 and more due Nov 1.
They refuse to do anything related to these. It's another Saturday and they're sitting on their phones. So far it's been solid phones from 10am to 1pm.
One has afternoon/evening plans today, one has evening plans.
Tomorrow they'll do homework.

I know they are planning on us (parents) on bailing them out.
My husband says he'll just go ahead and write their supplemental essays, etc. when the deadlines hit.
He REFUSES to take away privileges, etc. in the meantime. For instance, he would never take away the car tonight and insist they stay at home vs. go out all afternoon and evening. There's not much I can do with zero buy-in from him.
This infuriates me. I think it teaches horrible life lessons, etc.
I really feel that my one kid especially needs to just learn a giant lesson from this: he is 18 and at some point he needs to know that we won't bail him out. That his actions (or lack of actions) have consequences. He doesn't get stuff done? He takes a gap year. He works. I refuse to spend an all-nighter in mid October writing his essays.

Thoughts? It's causing INSANE friction in my marriage.
I am seriously contemplating just leaving for a month and moving in with a friend. They (the kids) know they can ask me anytime for help but I will not outright write these essays on the final day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son with severe ADHD needed all the help he could get from me, and since he was grateful for the help and tried hard to not get too distracted, I felt he deserved it.

You need to be on board with helping, but you also need to take the car keys and nix the pocket money, and possibly the phone on weekends. Carrot AND stick, OP. It's not one or the other. Your husband is the carrot, you are the stick. The decisions your kids make for their college applications will have long-term consequences: don't let your anxiety and anger hamper their future now, but do exert just the right amount of pressure so they do some of the work.

It's a team effort!

Me again.

I wanted to clarify that DS filled everything out himself (two years ago), but due to his inattentive ADHD, I was right there to stop the daydreaming and Youtubing (his particular addiction). I hovered in his vicinity every damm weekend with my laptop and cup of tea, magically available to help at the drop of a hat, and with eyes in the back of my head. He asked me to double-check his apps for typos, and to fill out parental background which he was unaware of. I did the FAFSA and CSS and just asked him to sign. His essays took the longest, most agonizing and laborious time, because of his difficulties talking about himself and his abysmal processing speed. This is where I had to edit heavily, and for some essays, suggest complete reworks. He took some of my suggestions and made changes, but kept his own voice and ideas, which was the goal.

My husband did nothing except to sign the checks.

OP here. Did your son agree to do this (Sit at the table with his laptop, filling out forms)? Mine refuses. He has every excuse why he can't. He either goes out with friends, to school games or sits in his room with his phone for 10-12 hours a day, watching Youtube. He then does homework on Sundays so always has (and continues to be) good with that.
My husband won't police his cell phone or internet use (never has) so it's hard to override it.

Again, my son is independent with getting homework done. He's good about this. But he won't independently engage with anything college related and the weeks keep ticking by.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the other posters.

Your husband saying HE will write their essays at the deadline is a huge red flag to me. Help them, yes. But write them for the kids? That's awful and teaching the kids horrible life lessons.

I would try to compromise with your husband/the kids and figure out a reasonable schedule. If they want to apply by October 15 and November 1, you need to tell them they need to have a first draft done by X date and they will not get their devices/car privileges until the first draft is done. I would absolutely put my foot down and not let your husband write the essays for them. You can be flexible on not applying early decision, whatever, but allowing a parent to write the essay will lead your kids to think someone will always be there to do their work for them and bail them out.

How do I do this? I don't know how to "not let" my husband to bail them out.

Sex strike

They have 18 year old boys, the sex strike started at least 5 years ago (with a few ceasefires for anniversaries spent outside the home at a hotel or something)

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t care about blowing into a huge argument with your DH, I would just take their car keys and their phones, hide them somewhere they won’t find (even if you need to purchase a safe and just put them in there or perhaps you can just go out for the day — take your DH’s keys too if he’s not going to support you in this), and tell them they’ll get them back when they finish X number of essays.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have (just turned) 18 year old senior twins. Both are great students and have strong test scores.
They will not address much college related. We went on many tours, they have lists.
One is 80% there with the personal statement, one is 20% there.
Both have done nothing more.
They have all sorts of applications that are due on Oct 15 and more due Nov 1.
They refuse to do anything related to these. It's another Saturday and they're sitting on their phones. So far it's been solid phones from 10am to 1pm.
One has afternoon/evening plans today, one has evening plans.
Tomorrow they'll do homework.

I know they are planning on us (parents) on bailing them out.
My husband says he'll just go ahead and write their supplemental essays, etc. when the deadlines hit.
He REFUSES to take away privileges, etc. in the meantime. For instance, he would never take away the car tonight and insist they stay at home vs. go out all afternoon and evening. There's not much I can do with zero buy-in from him.
This infuriates me. I think it teaches horrible life lessons, etc.
I really feel that my one kid especially needs to just learn a giant lesson from this: he is 18 and at some point he needs to know that we won't bail him out. That his actions (or lack of actions) have consequences. He doesn't get stuff done? He takes a gap year. He works. I refuse to spend an all-nighter in mid October writing his essays.

Thoughts? It's causing INSANE friction in my marriage.
I am seriously contemplating just leaving for a month and moving in with a friend. They (the kids) know they can ask me anytime for help but I will not outright write these essays on the final day.

Question for OP:
How do you know they are planning on having their parents bail them out? You say they are strong students, do they often procrastinate? If so, this doesn't seem like a big deal if they tend to pull good grades. Why would this be different than regular school work?