Anonymous wrote:Dear DILs Everywhere,

Your husband was my son for many years before he was your husband. I don’t care if he is 5 or 95 as long as I’m alive it is my “job” to lookout for him and make sure he is being treated right.

So many men work hard for their families and all their wive’s do is spend their hard earned money. As a mom of a young son I want my son to be treated kindly in his marriage and not dominated by a domineering woman in the future.

And I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think my first loyalty is always to my own son. If I think he is being taken advantage of in his marriage you bet your ass I always have that “right” to pull him aside and have a conversation about it.

I carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him, raised him into adulthood, held him while he cried, fixed his boo boos, stayed up with him all night. I will always cradle to grave protect him.

He can divorce you honey and get another wife but he can only ever have one mother.

Signed,

A mother of a young boy.

Wow, scary. Is this a Troll post?

You are raising your young misogynist son to marry a woman who will do everything for him and shut up?

Anonymous wrote:Look i think half the problem with ILs is spouses who wont go see them alone and give the other person some alone time. There is ZERO reason your spouse needs to be with you on visits to ILs the vast majority of the time. My parents live abroad but if they lived close I assume I'd see them 1-2 x per week and DH would see them maybe once a month for lunch or something. stop dragging your spouse into your relationship with your parents and give the person some space. and DILs all huffy about how MIL acts like - just get some space and tell your dh to go hang with his family.

I’m the one with the 4 month old baby and I think I’m going to do that moving forward. Just find myself scarce when mil comes over and I’m going to ask my husband not to repeat the unflattering things mil says about me.

Wow! While I haven’t read through all of the comments I am so shocked that so many of you find it completely normal and expected for a MIL not to care about her DIL.

Where I’m from when you marry someone you become a part of that family as well and you care for one another. I know for a fact my MIL genuinely cares about me as well. Obviously she will always love her own son more than me that’s totally normal and expected but she still cares about me as my own person and as her DIL.

When I had surgery she would personally text me to see how I’m recovering and she even stopped over to the house with baked goods.

When I was pregnant she would reach out to see how the pregnancy was going. In a non intrusive way.

Is it that much of a rarity to care about your DIL? That’s just so sad to me that so many of you have had negative experiences where your mil didn’t care about you.

Before you ask I am very close to my own parents as well but that doesn’t mean I can’t be close to my mil as well.

I think I would be hurt if I had a very difficult pregnancy and then my mil didn’t ask about me at all. Then waited until I wasn’t around and when my husband seemed tired asked him about it. But to be fair that’s because my mil has always shown love and genuine care for me.

My dad’s mom always showed love and care for my mom as well.

I think it’s so odd that it should be expected for your mil to treat you essentially as a stranger or acquaintance would be treated.

I do agree with the posters saying though it sounds like a DH problem more than just a mil problem. It is generally advised by marital counselors to not go to outsiders especially biased ones such as parents to vent about your marriage.

So the fact that this mil waited until the wife specifically wasn’t around to question her son on why he was so tired makes me think she feels comfortable asking her son these undermining questions and there has to be a reason she feels comfortable doing so and that reason is probably because her husband talks to his mom about this stuff.

Parents are like the most biased source on the planet. I would be having a conversation with my husband too if he was running to his mom to vent about me or dealing with the new baby because it would cause a rift between his mother and I and put strain on our marriage.

Look i think half the problem with ILs is spouses who wont go see them alone and give the other person some alone time. There is ZERO reason your spouse needs to be with you on visits to ILs the vast majority of the time. My parents live abroad but if they lived close I assume I'd see them 1-2 x per week and DH would see them maybe once a month for lunch or something. stop dragging your spouse into your relationship with your parents and give the person some space. and DILs all huffy about how MIL acts like - just get some space and tell your dh to go hang with his family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to understand and accept that 9 out of 10 MILs only care about their child, and care about their spouses only inasmuch as they add value to their children’s lives.
It’s just the way it is.
Don’t expect your MIL to care even if she is polite enough to ask you how you are etc
That’s why she is trying to assess the situation FOR HER SON and maybe her grandchild, and do so without you standing in the way and blocking the airwaves so to speak.
Use your own parents for comfort! Stop expecting it from ILs!
Signed,
-someone who has been burned

So I wasn’t wrong then when I said mil sees me merely as an incubator?

That’s not good mil behavior.

A lot of mils love and care about their DILs and even see them as a second daughter.

No, a lot of MILs don't actually do that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to understand and accept that 9 out of 10 MILs only care about their child, and care about their spouses only inasmuch as they add value to their children’s lives.
It’s just the way it is.
Don’t expect your MIL to care even if she is polite enough to ask you how you are etc
That’s why she is trying to assess the situation FOR HER SON and maybe her grandchild, and do so without you standing in the way and blocking the airwaves so to speak.
Use your own parents for comfort! Stop expecting it from ILs!
Signed,
-someone who has been burned

NP. Except that her son is grown and married it isn’t her job anymore to “protect” her grown married son. She doesn’t need to assess the situation as if he is a 5 yr old child needing mommy to determine if a friend is good for him to have.

Let the marriage counselor do that.

The first step is admitting there is a huge problem in the marriage necessitating a counselor. OP hasn't even done that. But it's pretty obvious given how threatened she feels by her MIL spending any 1:1 time with her own son. A secure and happy marriage is not so easily threatened.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please help me understand why her saying that her son looks tired equals a passive-aggressive indictment of you. Why couldn’t she just be making a comment that just happened when you weren’t there?

Which also leads me to question if the passive-aggressiveness wasn’t actually coming from your husband?? What was his purpose in sharing the comment? Does he think he’s doing more than you are?

I think it's pretty clear OP knows here marriage is on the rocks and likely doomed. She seems to be in panic mode that now MIL will find out.

Oh STFU. Marriage is hard when you have young kids. The first year after each new kid is especially hard. OP and her DH could certainly benefit from counseling, but it does not mean her marriage is doomed.

Those of you who are like “I never got tired with a 4mo, and my husband and I never sniped at each other about who was more tired or doing more of the work” are full of it.

You think any of OPs reaction is normal? She knows her marriage is in trouble hence the freak out that his mom asked him how he was doing.

Yes, I do think it is normal, if she feels her DH is oversharing about the marriage with his mother and they are both judging her behind her back. Those of you who can’t muster an ounce of empathy for a new, tired mom who is acting somewhat irrationally… I really, really pity your kids for having you as a parent. Apparently they need to have perfect and logical behavior all the time or you will blast them.

this seems like op posting.
no real reason why anyone would be defending op who seems unhinged.

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to understand and accept that 9 out of 10 MILs only care about their child, and care about their spouses only inasmuch as they add value to their children’s lives.
It’s just the way it is.
Don’t expect your MIL to care even if she is polite enough to ask you how you are etc
That’s why she is trying to assess the situation FOR HER SON and maybe her grandchild, and do so without you standing in the way and blocking the airwaves so to speak.
Use your own parents for comfort! Stop expecting it from ILs!
Signed,
-someone who has been burned

NP. Except that her son is grown and married it isn’t her job anymore to “protect” her grown married son. She doesn’t need to assess the situation as if he is a 5 yr old child needing mommy to determine if a friend is good for him to have.

Let the marriage counselor do that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to understand and accept that 9 out of 10 MILs only care about their child, and care about their spouses only inasmuch as they add value to their children’s lives.
It’s just the way it is.
Don’t expect your MIL to care even if she is polite enough to ask you how you are etc
That’s why she is trying to assess the situation FOR HER SON and maybe her grandchild, and do so without you standing in the way and blocking the airwaves so to speak.
Use your own parents for comfort! Stop expecting it from ILs!
Signed,
-someone who has been burned

So I wasn’t wrong then when I said mil sees me merely as an incubator?

That’s not good mil behavior.

A lot of mils love and care about their DILs and even see them as a second daughter.

The ones that love their DIL don’t have a DIL that berate them and keeps them away from their son.

Anonymous wrote:Okay I haven’t read all the comments but I absolutely KNOW for a fact that it is possible to cause a rift between parent and child if child is influenced by someone else who is unfortunately not mentally well or just an evil person.
I am not a MIL FWIW

Again if the grown man allows himself to be influenced by his wife when in 2024 he has his own car and cell phone that’s a him problem. Take that up with your actual child not their spouse. Your child is the one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please help me understand why her saying that her son looks tired equals a passive-aggressive indictment of you. Why couldn’t she just be making a comment that just happened when you weren’t there?

Which also leads me to question if the passive-aggressiveness wasn’t actually coming from your husband?? What was his purpose in sharing the comment? Does he think he’s doing more than you are?

I think it's pretty clear OP knows here marriage is on the rocks and likely doomed. She seems to be in panic mode that now MIL will find out.

Oh STFU. Marriage is hard when you have young kids. The first year after each new kid is especially hard. OP and her DH could certainly benefit from counseling, but it does not mean her marriage is doomed.

Those of you who are like “I never got tired with a 4mo, and my husband and I never sniped at each other about who was more tired or doing more of the work” are full of it.

You think any of OPs reaction is normal? She knows her marriage is in trouble hence the freak out that his mom asked him how he was doing.

Yes, I do think it is normal, if she feels her DH is oversharing about the marriage with his mother and they are both judging her behind her back. Those of you who can’t muster an ounce of empathy for a new, tired mom who is acting somewhat irrationally… I really, really pity your kids for having you as a parent. Apparently they need to have perfect and logical behavior all the time or you will blast them.

They learned it from their mother and her treatment of grandma!

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to understand and accept that 9 out of 10 MILs only care about their child, and care about their spouses only inasmuch as they add value to their children’s lives.
It’s just the way it is.
Don’t expect your MIL to care even if she is polite enough to ask you how you are etc
That’s why she is trying to assess the situation FOR HER SON and maybe her grandchild, and do so without you standing in the way and blocking the airwaves so to speak.
Use your own parents for comfort! Stop expecting it from ILs!
Signed,
-someone who has been burned

So I wasn’t wrong then when I said mil sees me merely as an incubator?

That’s not good mil behavior.

A lot of mils love and care about their DILs and even see them as a second daughter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please help me understand why her saying that her son looks tired equals a passive-aggressive indictment of you. Why couldn’t she just be making a comment that just happened when you weren’t there?

Which also leads me to question if the passive-aggressiveness wasn’t actually coming from your husband?? What was his purpose in sharing the comment? Does he think he’s doing more than you are?

I think it's pretty clear OP knows here marriage is on the rocks and likely doomed. She seems to be in panic mode that now MIL will find out.

Oh STFU. Marriage is hard when you have young kids. The first year after each new kid is especially hard. OP and her DH could certainly benefit from counseling, but it does not mean her marriage is doomed.

Those of you who are like “I never got tired with a 4mo, and my husband and I never sniped at each other about who was more tired or doing more of the work” are full of it.

You think any of OPs reaction is normal? She knows her marriage is in trouble hence the freak out that his mom asked him how he was doing.

Yes, I do think it is normal, if she feels her DH is oversharing about the marriage with his mother and they are both judging her behind her back. Those of you who can’t muster an ounce of empathy for a new, tired mom who is acting somewhat irrationally… I really, really pity your kids for having you as a parent. Apparently they need to have perfect and logical behavior all the time or you will blast them.

OP you need to understand and accept that 9 out of 10 MILs only care about their child, and care about their spouses only inasmuch as they add value to their children’s lives.
It’s just the way it is.
Don’t expect your MIL to care even if she is polite enough to ask you how you are etc
That’s why she is trying to assess the situation FOR HER SON and maybe her grandchild, and do so without you standing in the way and blocking the airwaves so to speak.
Use your own parents for comfort! Stop expecting it from ILs!
Signed,
-someone who has been burned

OP is a controlling and abusive spouse. Trying to isolate someone from their family is text book.