Anonymous wrote:I don’t recommend this a lot - but therapy stat. For your son’a anger problems and impulse control, for you as parents to recognize how you let him spiral so out of control and where to go from here.

+1 Individual and group therapy for all. This is unacceptable behavior from both kids and needs to be handled with care to avoid raising two adults who do this to their wives and children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the older boy is done with being physically abused by his younger sibling with mom excusing it. OP, how many times has your older son been hit or otherwise touched by his younger brother?

Yes this! I was the older sibling with a mentally ill younger sibling. My entire life was shaped and molded by the fact that everything was about younger sibling. Everything. Good bad and ugly it all came back to her needs and her holding the family hostage.

+1000000

OP, you’re disgusting!

Not op, but it’s clear you are the disgusting one.

Unless you have some prior exposure to high maintenance children, you don’t always have to tools or awareness to make the best decisions.

I feel for you op.

I knew someone whose family was what Pp described, and it was horrible for them. They were in constant terror mode from what the aggressive sibling would do.

Not the above poster. However you are wrong in the sense OP has let this go on for years. This is a younger sibling, from OP's accounts that child has been an issue for a very long time. The older one finally could not take it anymore. Not saying he should have hit OP, but she and her husband have failed him Period.

Kids learn what they see daily this is on OP and her DH.

I don’t think we’re talking about the same thing.

I’m not saying that op has made the best decision, or even a good one. What I’m saying is that it’s very easy to facilitate the problem child when you don’t know any better. The best part, is that you don’t even know you’re facilitating it. Sometimes (most of the time really) it takes prior experience or exposure to that kind of situation to not let it get out of control.

Op could have done a better job, but she and her H are limited by their understanding, demeanor and culture, and by the stigmas they face.

This is not a good situation and I feel for op.

My first thought was whatever OP decides to do, it won't be the last time this kid loses his temper - and at a woman to boot. If it's a girlfriend next time he's looking at assault changes regardless of what kind of apology he wants/gives. Buckle up because he clearly has no control over how he lashes out or any regard for who is on the receiving end. Slapping one's mother is a special sort of disrespect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the older boy is done with being physically abused by his younger sibling with mom excusing it. OP, how many times has your older son been hit or otherwise touched by his younger brother?

Yes this! I was the older sibling with a mentally ill younger sibling. My entire life was shaped and molded by the fact that everything was about younger sibling. Everything. Good bad and ugly it all came back to her needs and her holding the family hostage.

+1000000

OP, you’re disgusting!

Not op, but it’s clear you are the disgusting one.

Unless you have some prior exposure to high maintenance children, you don’t always have to tools or awareness to make the best decisions.

I feel for you op.

I knew someone whose family was what Pp described, and it was horrible for them. They were in constant terror mode from what the aggressive sibling would do.

Not the above poster. However you are wrong in the sense OP has let this go on for years. This is a younger sibling, from OP's accounts that child has been an issue for a very long time. The older one finally could not take it anymore. Not saying he should have hit OP, but she and her husband have failed him Period.

Kids learn what they see daily this is on OP and her DH.

+1

I’m the older sibling OP and came back to this post because I couldn’t stop thinking about it. My little sisters mental illness is still affecting my life well into my late 30s. My entire life. OP - don’t let my story be your oldest sons story. Somehow, do something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the older boy is done with being physically abused by his younger sibling with mom excusing it. OP, how many times has your older son been hit or otherwise touched by his younger brother?

Yes this! I was the older sibling with a mentally ill younger sibling. My entire life was shaped and molded by the fact that everything was about younger sibling. Everything. Good bad and ugly it all came back to her needs and her holding the family hostage.

+1000000

OP, you’re disgusting!

Not op, but it’s clear you are the disgusting one.

Unless you have some prior exposure to high maintenance children, you don’t always have to tools or awareness to make the best decisions.

I feel for you op.

I knew someone whose family was what Pp described, and it was horrible for them. They were in constant terror mode from what the aggressive sibling would do.

Not the above poster. However you are wrong in the sense OP has let this go on for years. This is a younger sibling, from OP's accounts that child has been an issue for a very long time. The older one finally could not take it anymore. Not saying he should have hit OP, but she and her husband have failed him Period.

Kids learn what they see daily this is on OP and her DH.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the older boy is done with being physically abused by his younger sibling with mom excusing it. OP, how many times has your older son been hit or otherwise touched by his younger brother?

Yes this! I was the older sibling with a mentally ill younger sibling. My entire life was shaped and molded by the fact that everything was about younger sibling. Everything. Good bad and ugly it all came back to her needs and her holding the family hostage.

+1000000

OP, you’re disgusting!

Not op, but it’s clear you are the disgusting one.

Unless you have some prior exposure to high maintenance children, you don’t always have to tools or awareness to make the best decisions.

I feel for you op.

I knew someone whose family was what Pp described, and it was horrible for them. They were in constant terror mode from what the aggressive sibling would do.

Not the above poster. However you are wrong in the sense OP has let this go on for years. This is a younger sibling, from OP's accounts that child has been an issue for a very long time. The older one finally could not take it anymore. Not saying he should have hit OP, but she and her husband have failed him Period.

Kids learn what they see daily this is on OP and her DH.

Anonymous wrote:Stop paying for anything for him except basic food and clothing and essential toiletries. Don't let him use the car or pay for other transportation or his phone.

This and also grounded to his room for a week.

And, if it happens again, its ok to hit him back. You need to get on top of this and stop making excuses. I don't hit my kids or anyone but in this situation I might. Enough is enough and if you parented early on these things would not have been an issue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guys, this woman was just hit by her son. And she clearly has a difficult situation at home.

Can you all please be careful and kind with your tone?

I hear what you're saying but it really seems like the OP needs a wake up call. She isn't protecting the older brother from the violence perpetuated by the younger brother. It doesn't excuse the older child's violence but it sure does explain it. She needs to take immediate action because her kids are out of control. I agree with the poster who says she needs to call the younger son's therapist and get a consult immediately. She may need to even separate the kids or have the younger son placed into a residential facility for a bit.

This.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you saying that you would have hit the son back (or your husband would have), I'm curious. Are you saying that the violence is a sound parenting strategy, or that it would be instinct? If sound parenting strategy, how do you think it will help resolve the situation moving forward?

Seems one of the issues in this family is that people tend to react to violence with violence. How does perpetuating that help?

It’s a life lesson. If you assault someone weaker than you then what goes around comes around. If the kid slaps the wrong person in the real world of adults he may end up dead so he needs to learn this lesson early on.

Agree with the first point. Op’s older son slapped her because he was hit by the younger son/his brother. And now many posters are saying/implying that op or her spouse should have reacted by hitting the older son? No no no.

This is tough, Op. And you need to react seriously. But I don’t agree to use violence and I also don’t agree it means your son will grow up to be abusive - if this was the first time he reacted this way, he probably just impulsively snapped. You can use that to point out his younger brother’s impulsivity.

But older son and your whole family needs a thorough discussion, I agree with therapist, about the dangers of using violence, AND to give older son a safe opportunity to share how he’s feeling with respect to younger siblings and his parents’ reactions.

Anonymous wrote:Stop paying for anything for him except basic food and clothing and essential toiletries. Don't let him use the car or pay for other transportation or his phone.

Is she going to be punished for allowing him to be abused?

I didn’t want to take his phone and activities away. He has some social challenges, recently
has been trying to reaching out to find a friend circle, but is having a hard time. He already
feel socially isolated, I don’t want to make it worse. I feel the phone and outings(including
sports) is good for his metal health.

Of course it is, but taking a break from it for a week or so is not going to be the end of the world. He will be fine.

Stop paying for anything for him except basic food and clothing and essential toiletries. Don't let him use the car or pay for other transportation or his phone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of the people saying they would hit their child back really helps me understand why this country is in the state it’s in.

Not one of those PPs, but if my teenage son hits me in the face, I’m not going to be a doormat about it.

NP. What are you accomplishing? I grew up in a house where I was routinely beaten and that itchy/red/physical feeling was my go-to for a long time and I had to really really work to drop it. (I'm a woman, by the way). So I completely understand the visceral reaction of wanting to hit back. But why would you do it? How would your family be better for it?

Corrected typos. I'll just add, I've read the explanations and none make sense. They are mix of vengeance and "teaching" kids something or other. That's not actually going to work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of the people saying they would hit their child back really helps me understand why this country is in the state it’s in.

Not one of those PPs, but if my teenage son hits me in the face, I’m not going to be a doormat about it.

NP. What are accomplishing? I grew up in a house where I was routinely and that itchy/red/physical feeling was my go-to for a long time and I had to really really work to drop it. (I'm a woman, by the way). So I completely understand the visceral reaction of wanting to hit back. But why would you do it? How would your family be better for it?

So slapping the OP is not acceptable. I am think OP excuses everything the younger kid does. Maybe OP wants the elbow to the head to be an accident but it was not. How do you elbow someone in the head by accident?