Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is the poster mad at her computer programmer husband for only making 120k and being content in his job.

Either way, blaming your husband for your stress is not healthy. You need to take charge of your own choices, and make changes to your own situation. Resenting him for being happier is childish.

My husband is a government worker not a programmer.

So he does make in that range. Check yourself. Your striving isn’t healthy. Learn to live within the means you can make without working yourself to death.

My other option is to divorce my husband because life sucks with someone when you do not share core values. That’s what I am leaning towards.

That decision would make your goals - saving for retirement, down payment/wedding/private school for the kids, that much harder for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To address the several posters who asked about my job and the fact that I picked it:

I picked my job so that I can have a solid financial future and my kids can have opportunities. If I get a lower stress job, we could survive sure but lifestyle would take a massive hit as would savings of all kinds (retirement, college, cash savings, potential to send kids to private schools, etc).

My parents paid for my wedding and gave us house down payment. This helped us massively and call me crazy but I would like to do the same for my kids because it is not easy getting started out there.

DH doesn’t share my feelings. He thinks as long as we don’t die all is well. He has no DRIVE to take care of us in a proactive way.

It is stressful to try to provide for your family. I want to literally take some of that stress off of my shoulders and put it on his.

I actually like my job but I would prefer to coast a little bit, not worry about maximizing bonus and getting promoted. Have good enough be enough.

But I can’t do that while he is so happily laid back with no upward career trajectory. We are just not compatible at all in this regard and the thought of forcing myself to lower my standards makes me feel like I am being snuffed out by him.

But as stated I also suspect, contrary to the prevailing view, that most women strongly prefer a driven man who is motivated to maximize his family’s well being.

OP, I'm sorry. It's not fair that your husband expects you to stay in a high stress career so that he can coast without any stress. It seems to me that this is more about him being ok watching you suffer as long as he gets to keep avoiding responsibility. You never get to coast because he won't step up and earn enough to support the family. Of course you resent that.

The best marriages I've seen have the man supporting the family with a SAHM. Not necessarily even a really high earner, but a more traditional division of roles. Women generally do more domestic and childcare duties whether they work or not so it's not fair if they also have to work the same types of jobs let alone higher stress and longer hours.

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Anonymous wrote:the chance that OP will find a second husband willing to buy houses for his stepchildren is vanishingly small. that is not a reasonable option.

if OP wants the life she wants, it is on her, either married to this husband or not.

Maybe she does not want a second husband (I don't!). Maybe she just does not want to be reminded every day that her partner does nt seem to care that she is working herself to the bone while he coasts along. This two kinds of people don't fit together. She is clearly not okay with the dynamic. He is. This is a mismatch.

Anonymous wrote:the chance that OP will find a second husband willing to buy houses for his stepchildren is vanishingly small. that is not a reasonable option.

if OP wants the life she wants, it is on her, either married to this husband or not.

Anonymous wrote:the chance that OP will find a second husband willing to buy houses for his stepchildren is vanishingly small. that is not a reasonable option.

if OP wants the life she wants, it is on her, either married to this husband or not.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of us are a little confused that you did not know at least some of this before you got married:
- Did you know that he was more of a settler rather than being ambitious before you were married?
- Did you talk about how you wanted to provide for your children both while they were young and older?
- Did you/your husband know that you wanted a more traditional marriage where the husband would be the breadwinner?

It does sound like you have differing ideas about family lifestyle and the husband/wife dynamic which are pretty major. You could try counseling or you could simply move on, but make sure you discuss these matters in your next relationship.

I actually did not know he was a settler as you put it. I noticed and liked that he was very hard working, but later I learned that it came from fear. He worked very hard to get a very safe job. I didn’t realize the psychology behind that at first. I’m a striver as I was so kindly called here and he is not. Being a striver can be fun and rewarding if you share it with someone in spirit. I sincerely didn’t realize we did not share that value because again I did see work ethic in him.

I didn’t feel I needed a provider fully. I don’t even want to be a SAHM. I just want to share the “striving” burden and each have moderate stress jobs.

It would never have occurred to me to characterize "striver" as a core value.

Off the top of my head, here are my DH's and my core values (which some might call "character traits" we value):

commitment
compassion
concern for others
dependability
friendliness
good humor
honesty
honor
integrity
kindness
loyalty
perseverance
positivity
reliability
respect

How would "striver" fit into core values? <-- That is a genuine question.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of us are a little confused that you did not know at least some of this before you got married:
- Did you know that he was more of a settler rather than being ambitious before you were married?
- Did you talk about how you wanted to provide for your children both while they were young and older?
- Did you/your husband know that you wanted a more traditional marriage where the husband would be the breadwinner?

It does sound like you have differing ideas about family lifestyle and the husband/wife dynamic which are pretty major. You could try counseling or you could simply move on, but make sure you discuss these matters in your next relationship.

I actually did not know he was a settler as you put it. I noticed and liked that he was very hard working, but later I learned that it came from fear. He worked very hard to get a very safe job. I didn’t realize the psychology behind that at first. I’m a striver as I was so kindly called here and he is not. Being a striver can be fun and rewarding if you share it with someone in spirit. I sincerely didn’t realize we did not share that value because again I did see work ethic in him.

I didn’t feel I needed a provider fully. I don’t even want to be a SAHM. I just want to share the “striving” burden and each have moderate stress jobs.

It would never have occurred to me to characterize "striver" as a core value.

Off the top of my head, here are my DH's and my core values (which some might call "character traits" we value):

commitment
compassion
concern for others
dependability
friendliness
good humor
honesty
honor
integrity
kindness
loyalty
perseverance
positivity
reliability
respect

How would "striver" fit into core values? <-- That is a genuine question.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of us are a little confused that you did not know at least some of this before you got married:
- Did you know that he was more of a settler rather than being ambitious before you were married?
- Did you talk about how you wanted to provide for your children both while they were young and older?
- Did you/your husband know that you wanted a more traditional marriage where the husband would be the breadwinner?

It does sound like you have differing ideas about family lifestyle and the husband/wife dynamic which are pretty major. You could try counseling or you could simply move on, but make sure you discuss these matters in your next relationship.

I actually did not know he was a settler as you put it. I noticed and liked that he was very hard working, but later I learned that it came from fear. He worked very hard to get a very safe job. I didn’t realize the psychology behind that at first. I’m a striver as I was so kindly called here and he is not. Being a striver can be fun and rewarding if you share it with someone in spirit. I sincerely didn’t realize we did not share that value because again I did see work ethic in him.

I didn’t feel I needed a provider fully. I don’t even want to be a SAHM. I just want to share the “striving” burden and each have moderate stress jobs.