As a previous poster said, you have one life. You can choose to try counseling and see if this gets better, leave or put up with it. I would try counseling. If it doesn’t work, that leaves two choices.
Your dh is correct, he can’t control his family. So, you control what you can and work on your marriage. Make your decisions from there. The family is not going to change and people can live a LONG time.

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

Husband slept on the couch yesterday. We have interacted little today although he sent out and came back saying he bought tennis balls for our lesson tonight. I am keeping to myself and processing everything.

I am annoyed that my husband tries to paint me as the bad guys instead of being on my team or acting like we are a unit. I understand for better or worse his family, especially his MOTHER is VERY important to him. His sister and he hardly communicate outside of the family gatherings and his dad is a nice but quiet man. Whenever I make a request to create some sort of boundary, instead of agreeing to it or seeing my point, he throws a fit saying his family has always done it this way and his mom's feelings will be hurt if we do something differently.

- His only regular vacation is when we go away with his family to the beach. No matter what or how, if his mother says we are doing it he will be on board. When I ask about planning a vacation for just the two of us, its a struggle.

- His family liked to do road trips all together in one big SUV. Mom, dad, brother sister. When I married him, it was me included. Imagine a 5 hour road trip. ALL OF US TOGETHER. This kept on going until SIL got herself a fiancé and now she and he travel separately. Of course MIL, FIL, Husband and I still TRAVEL TOGETHER!!!

- His sister has always either hated me or ignored my existence. She makes fun of me and puts me down in front of others and her family. NO ONE TELLS HER TO STOP. I have cried about this flabbergasted to my husband many times and his only response is, " I can't control my family!"

- If I say I don't want to do something, instead of respecting my wishes, he will go whine to his mom about how Larla doesnt want to do X and then it becomes a whole thing where I am the bad guy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these PPs normalizing threatening divorce? No, it’s not ok and not normal.

People in toxic abusive relationships.

People who are abusive.

People who grew up with parents/ family that treated each other this way and don't see anything wrong with it.

People who value having a man/ husband above all else.

Threatening divorce is an attention getting statement. It means I am hurting to the point where I want to change my life without you in it. If he said this, he has been thing about it for a long time. It's not normal and not ok for the relationship. But it is honest. It's a last clear shot to save things. Perhaps they are too far gone already by the time you are saying it. It's only abusive if it is a pattern over time. Here is does not seem that way but rather the possible end point of the marriage.

For those that think it is per se abusive, please tell me how else you communicate that you are done and leaving? I agree a pattern of this is abusive. But I would have said this only once and been done with the relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading between the lines, it sounds like he has an obnoxious family that you don't like, they (and he) have picked up on the fact that you don't like them and don't like spending time there, and your husband is offended by this bc he is close with his family and sees it as you rejecting that and trying to change it.

So the issue about the amount of time spent there is probably just the catalyst for these deeper problems. FWIW, I would also be really annoyed if we spent that much time at my in-laws on a regular basis, especially with the drinking and obnoxious behavior you describe. However, it sounds like you haven't done a good job of hiding your distaste for them.

I'd probably end this relationship bc it sounds miserable and I don't see a path to things getting better, maybe counseling but it doesn't sound like he would be interested in that.

So my inlaws had Sunday dinner every week. I attended before we were married although I often got out of it, but my DW's other three siblings all attended with their spouses (the two that were married). It was every week 6-10ish. Did I have better things to do? Sure. Could I have spent my time differently? Sure. But my spouse wanted to do this. Nothing I was doing was that important in the grand scheme of things. I knew this was not forever. Once kids came things would be different and also, sadly, they would pass at some point. But my spouse wanted to do it so I did. Now, years later, I would not have taken those events and memories from her. I did it for her and would do it again. They were a close family that spent lots of together time and as I look back at my life there is nothing I would have preferred to do --- all for her -- frankly kind of a minor and unworthy sacrifice on my part given all she has had to put up with me.

What's missing in the discussion above is that you do in-law family stuff for the spouse not the in-laws. Now OP may not want to make that sacrifice. And that's ok. Maybe the magnitude of it is worse over time. So she should have conversations with her husband and they should work it out together. Counseling could help them communicate. Maybe there is a middle ground that a more in touch couple would have come up with quickly. But the answer could be they need to do this once and a while (but less than they are now) and if that is what he says she needs to sacrifice or just end the whole thing.

The middle ground is she spent 6 hours with his family!

To you. Not to him. The middle has to be between them. At some point she has to call it quits if it is that upsetting. But this is not an objective standard.

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

Husband slept on the couch yesterday. We have interacted little today although he sent out and came back saying he bought tennis balls for our lesson tonight. I am keeping to myself and processing everything.

I am annoyed that my husband tries to paint me as the bad guys instead of being on my team or acting like we are a unit. I understand for better or worse his family, especially his MOTHER is VERY important to him. His sister and he hardly communicate outside of the family gatherings and his dad is a nice but quiet man. Whenever I make a request to create some sort of boundary, instead of agreeing to it or seeing my point, he throws a fit saying his family has always done it this way and his mom's feelings will be hurt if we do something differently.

- His only regular vacation is when we go away with his family to the beach. No matter what or how, if his mother says we are doing it he will be on board. When I ask about planning a vacation for just the two of us, its a struggle.

- His family liked to do road trips all together in one big SUV. Mom, dad, brother sister. When I married him, it was me included. Imagine a 5 hour road trip. ALL OF US TOGETHER. This kept on going until SIL got herself a fiancé and now she and he travel separately. Of course MIL, FIL, Husband and I still TRAVEL TOGETHER!!!

- His sister has always either hated me or ignored my existence. She makes fun of me and puts me down in front of others and her family. NO ONE TELLS HER TO STOP. I have cried about this flabbergasted to my husband many times and his only response is, " I can't control my family!"

- If I say I don't want to do something, instead of respecting my wishes, he will go whine to his mom about how Larla doesnt want to do X and then it becomes a whole thing where I am the bad guy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these PPs normalizing threatening divorce? No, it’s not ok and not normal.

People in toxic abusive relationships.

People who are abusive.

People who grew up with parents/ family that treated each other this way and don't see anything wrong with it.

People who value having a man/ husband above all else.

Threatening divorce is an attention getting statement. It means I am hurting to the point where I want to change my life without you in it. If he said this, he has been thing about it for a long time. It's not normal and not ok for the relationship. But it is honest. It's a last clear shot to save things. Perhaps they are too far gone already by the time you are saying it. It's only abusive if it is a pattern over time. Here is does not seem that way but rather the possible end point of the marriage.

For those that think it is per se abusive, please tell me how else you communicate that you are done and leaving? I agree a pattern of this is abusive. But I would have said this only once and been done with the relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are about to celebrate 20 years of marriage and have never once yelled at each other, much less said anything even close to this horrible. Is alcohol involved? This is not okay or normal behavior.

That's not necessarily good. Maybe you bottle things up.
Maybe you are just meek and let people take advantage of you.

Some people are capable of commutation without yelling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these PPs normalizing threatening divorce? No, it’s not ok and not normal.

People in toxic abusive relationships.

People who are abusive.

People who grew up with parents/ family that treated each other this way and don't see anything wrong with it.

People who value having a man/ husband above all else.

Threatening divorce is an attention getting statement. It means I am hurting to the point where I want to change my life without you in it. If he said this, he has been thing about it for a long time. It's not normal and not ok for the relationship. But it is honest. It's a last clear shot to save things. Perhaps they are too far gone already by the time you are saying it. It's only abusive if it is a pattern over time. Here is does not seem that way but rather the possible end point of the marriage.

For those that think it is per se abusive, please tell me how else you communicate that you are done and leaving? I agree a pattern of this is abusive. But I would have said this only once and been done with the relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading between the lines, it sounds like he has an obnoxious family that you don't like, they (and he) have picked up on the fact that you don't like them and don't like spending time there, and your husband is offended by this bc he is close with his family and sees it as you rejecting that and trying to change it.

So the issue about the amount of time spent there is probably just the catalyst for these deeper problems. FWIW, I would also be really annoyed if we spent that much time at my in-laws on a regular basis, especially with the drinking and obnoxious behavior you describe. However, it sounds like you haven't done a good job of hiding your distaste for them.

I'd probably end this relationship bc it sounds miserable and I don't see a path to things getting better, maybe counseling but it doesn't sound like he would be interested in that.

So my inlaws had Sunday dinner every week. I attended before we were married although I often got out of it, but my DW's other three siblings all attended with their spouses (the two that were married). It was every week 6-10ish. Did I have better things to do? Sure. Could I have spent my time differently? Sure. But my spouse wanted to do this. Nothing I was doing was that important in the grand scheme of things. I knew this was not forever. Once kids came things would be different and also, sadly, they would pass at some point. But my spouse wanted to do it so I did. Now, years later, I would not have taken those events and memories from her. I did it for her and would do it again. They were a close family that spent lots of together time and as I look back at my life there is nothing I would have preferred to do --- all for her -- frankly kind of a minor and unworthy sacrifice on my part given all she has had to put up with me.

What's missing in the discussion above is that you do in-law family stuff for the spouse not the in-laws. Now OP may not want to make that sacrifice. And that's ok. Maybe the magnitude of it is worse over time. So she should have conversations with her husband and they should work it out together. Counseling could help them communicate. Maybe there is a middle ground that a more in touch couple would have come up with quickly. But the answer could be they need to do this once and a while (but less than they are now) and if that is what he says she needs to sacrifice or just end the whole thing.

The middle ground is she spent 6 hours with his family!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading between the lines, it sounds like he has an obnoxious family that you don't like, they (and he) have picked up on the fact that you don't like them and don't like spending time there, and your husband is offended by this bc he is close with his family and sees it as you rejecting that and trying to change it.

So the issue about the amount of time spent there is probably just the catalyst for these deeper problems. FWIW, I would also be really annoyed if we spent that much time at my in-laws on a regular basis, especially with the drinking and obnoxious behavior you describe. However, it sounds like you haven't done a good job of hiding your distaste for them.

I'd probably end this relationship bc it sounds miserable and I don't see a path to things getting better, maybe counseling but it doesn't sound like he would be interested in that.

So my inlaws had Sunday dinner every week. I attended before we were married although I often got out of it, but my DW's other three siblings all attended with their spouses (the two that were married). It was every week 6-10ish. Did I have better things to do? Sure. Could I have spent my time differently? Sure. But my spouse wanted to do this. Nothing I was doing was that important in the grand scheme of things. I knew this was not forever. Once kids came things would be different and also, sadly, they would pass at some point. But my spouse wanted to do it so I did. Now, years later, I would not have taken those events and memories from her. I did it for her and would do it again. They were a close family that spent lots of together time and as I look back at my life there is nothing I would have preferred to do --- all for her -- frankly kind of a minor and unworthy sacrifice on my part given all she has had to put up with me.

What's missing in the discussion above is that you do in-law family stuff for the spouse not the in-laws. Now OP may not want to make that sacrifice. And that's ok. Maybe the magnitude of it is worse over time. So she should have conversations with her husband and they should work it out together. Counseling could help them communicate. Maybe there is a middle ground that a more in touch couple would have come up with quickly. But the answer could be they need to do this once and a while (but less than they are now) and if that is what he says she needs to sacrifice or just end the whole thing.

She tried to have a conversation and work it out together - she said before they went that she wanted to get home by a certain point, which is communicating just fine. He refused to have that conversation with her, setting her up to fail to meet his expectations in this way. Their issue here is not the in-laws, or this particular time commitment at all. You cannot work it out with someone who says f*ck you and that they hate you.