Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this an OK standard to have?

My fiance told me he would never date a woman with divorced parents. He said it normalizes divorce, they grow up in a home where marriage is temporary, and in a lot of cases they no longer have a father. I think I agree with him, but it seems kind of mean to dismiss people based on their parents' actions.

I don't think I'd want to marry someone so close-minded and judgmental.

Actually, OP's fiance did not propose to you. He proposed to OP and she accepted.

Well, dysfunction can be hidden in families that are not divorced too, but with divorced families you know that there was some dysfunction for sure. I don't think kids remain unscathed by divorce. It does do a number on them. My family member is marrying a guy who comes from a divorced family. He has had many years of therapy and is a nice person. I still give the advice to wait a few years before they have kids because it is quite possible that he will bail when he becomes a dad.

When you become a parent, you actually do everything to make your child be in a secure environment and intact homes. When people make the decision to divorce it is not done lightly. The dysfunction is usually extreme for people to break off. A child that has had seen parents who are addicts, abusive or adulterers - their brain chemistry becomes altered. It can be that they become like their dysfunctional parent or they become
opposite of their dysfunctional parent. But, why should my child deliberately take a risk with such a person when they can just avoid them? We don't have to make all the mistakes ourselves, sometimes we can learn from other people's mistakes too.

I see messed up children all the time in the school classroom. Find a problem child and they are from broken families, find a kid who is excelling and they usually have two involved and loving parents.

Anonymous wrote:Is this an OK standard to have?

My fiance told me he would never date a woman with divorced parents. He said it normalizes divorce, they grow up in a home where marriage is temporary, and in a lot of cases they no longer have a father. I think I agree with him, but it seems kind of mean to dismiss people based on their parents' actions.

I don't think I'd want to marry someone so close-minded and judgmental.

Even more interesting is the single parent by choice. What would your boyfriend say to that? Women, and even men, are choosing to have children without being married or even in a LTR. They never found someone to love and share their life with but they still want to have a child.

This is a very conservative and religious viewpoint. I mean I thought it was bad when a woman's worth was judged by her spouse now the meter has moved to judging children by their parents marital status.

OP you wont be able to have friends who are outside of this "norm" of married couples because he sees the world as us and them. No single best friend or gay cousin, etc. They arent "good influences".

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are divorcing but are amicable with each other. He's decided he's gay. Are my children doomed? This post is scaring me.

NO.

Stay friendly. You want your end goal (it can be far in the future) that you can spend Thanksgiving together, with new partners, and no one will throw a temper tantrum.

My divorced parents vacation together with their 3 kids. It's the best way to see the grandkids and if they had to split time, they'd each get less time (because we all have in-law families too).

My parents are divorced. I think it taught me early on that my parents are humans with their own wants and needs outside of our nuclear family.

It taught me that if you don't actively work on your marriage, and talk about things, and continue to invest in your relationship, you will end up unhappy.

I have much stronger relationship skills than my DH does because I had to navigate divorced parents. My DH has almost never spent a meal alone with either of his parents, because they always come see him together. It's actually sort of strange and impersonal in a weird way. His parents can't function apart at ALL and are oddly co-dependent.

Anonymous wrote:Is this an OK standard to have?

My fiance told me he would never date a woman with divorced parents. He said it normalizes divorce, they grow up in a home where marriage is temporary, and in a lot of cases they no longer have a father. I think I agree with him, but it seems kind of mean to dismiss people based on their parents' actions.

Both my wife and I came from families with divorced parents, we've been married almost 30 years with 3 kids.

Anonymous wrote:It isn't necessarily the divorce per se---but the issues that caused the divorce.

An alcoholic cheating philandering mother or father that resulted in divorce is going to create a ton of trauma that often doesn't emerge until middle age.

Children of alcoholics have a lot of issues and children of cheaters are 60% or more likely to repeat the pattern.

But it sounds like OP is fine with dating the child of the alcoholic mother and philandering father as long as they are still on track for that 40th wedding anniversary dinner for 100 at the country club.

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are divorcing but are amicable with each other. He's decided he's gay. Are my children doomed? This post is scaring me.

Of course not. I think what you are seeing is a small % of people that want the pinterest life to be projected. You know the types, the ones that are constantly on social media showing how perfect everything is, how their children are always in pristine embroidered vinyard vines clothes, etc. So to them, a divorced spouse doesn't fit perfectly on the wedding invites, etc.

The vast majority of people have skeletons and scars of life they carry and that's ok, it makes them resilient. I would be fine if someone excluded me or my kids because my wife's dad died when she was young or my mom has a degenerative disease and is in a wheelchair. It's good to know what people prioritize, ya know?

My husband and I are divorcing but are amicable with each other. He's decided he's gay. Are my children doomed? This post is scaring me.

It isn't necessarily the divorce per se---but the issues that caused the divorce.

An alcoholic cheating philandering mother or father that resulted in divorce is going to create a ton of trauma that often doesn't emerge until middle age.

Children of alcoholics have a lot of issues and children of cheaters are 60% or more likely to repeat the pattern.

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the fiance. We learn what we see every day. I felt the same when I met my husband 27 years ago and found out his parents had been married decades just like mine. My parens were married for 75 years. Long marriages signal stability, and a good example.

I would not have married anyone who came from a broken home (let's just call it what it is), either. Today you have a 50/50 chance of dating that, but a child of divorce would be a no-go for me and a giant red flag in terms of marriage. Nope.

I absolutely despise that "broken home" nonsense. My kids have two homes and not one broken one. We are not a mess. We could not stay married...it would have been worse for everyone--incuding the kids. I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional, unhealthy "broken" home with married parents--who are still miserable together. The don't get an award for staying married to the detriment of everyone around them in the house. They are pathethic. Marriage does mean mean a healthy relationship. Healthy relationships can be modeled in marriage or divorce. It all depends on the parents...NOT marital status.

This could be a great setup for a madcap comedy where one partner needs to hide the fact that her parents are divorced and of course the parents are in on it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lot of people saying the fiancé is wrong and trying to make themselves feel better since they are the children of divorce or justifying the fact their children are now products of divorce.

You don’t have to be the child of divorce or divorced yourself to recognize that growing up with deeply unhappy parents is bad for you. My best friend’s parents stayed married until her dad died a few years ago. They weren’t particularly religious, but just from a social class where “we don’t divorce, dear”. After her dad died, her 10 year old said “Grandpa sucked the warmth and joy out of any room he walked into.” Sadly, her mom had just a few years left to rediscover happiness and show her children and grandchildren that she had a personality.

But, but…their marriage was intact. Leave it to a 10 year old to tell the WHOLE truth.

Anonymous wrote:Lot of people saying the fiancé is wrong and trying to make themselves feel better since they are the children of divorce or justifying the fact their children are now products of divorce.

You don’t have to be the child of divorce or divorced yourself to recognize that growing up with deeply unhappy parents is bad for you. My best friend’s parents stayed married until her dad died a few years ago. They weren’t particularly religious, but just from a social class where “we don’t divorce, dear”. After her dad died, her 10 year old said “Grandpa sucked the warmth and joy out of any room he walked into.” Sadly, her mom had just a few years left to rediscover happiness and show her children and grandchildren that she had a personality.