Anonymous
02/22/2021 15:18
Subject: I overstepped. What now?
Anonymous wrote:Thank you. Can I offer to pay for a few extra couples?
NO!! It may not even be about money. They don’t want a wedding with tons of YOUR friends!
Anonymous
02/22/2021 15:14
Subject: I overstepped. What now?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Thank you. Can I offer to pay for a few extra couples?
This is THEIR wedding, not yours.
What's the harm in asking? This is her son, after all. After you apologize, you ask if you can invite 2 additional couples, on your expense. Make clear that you understand if the answer is not and you will be fine with it. Then be fine with it.
There is no harm in asking. There is harm in doing without asking first.
I think the problem with asking is that it looks really lacking in self awareness, because at the dollars and cents moment what she’s saying is “Son, your in laws are paying for a $50,000 party to celebrate your marriage. If I chip in $500 can I dictate the guest list?” That’s a really unattractive position to start off with, both in how your daughter in law views your attitude about what you’re entitled to, and how your sons future in laws are going to view his family if he does try to fight this corner. You could offer to pay half and then realistically expect more guest list access but just chipping in for your “extra people” while someone else is buying dinner for you and your husband and your other children is really off.
You're sounding a bit over the top. It is ASKING, not dictating. AND offering to pay. It's only as you put it if that is how you would perceive it. I would not. I would also have no problem saying no, if I wanted to do so.
It's a wedding. Weddings require some give-and-take unless anyone involved is a nightmare. People have different priorities, requests, traditions, etc. Yes, the couple or the paying party can be authoritarian in the entire affair. But, MOST people are not like this and are willing to give a little. OP would like two couples -TWO, not twenty, not half the attendees- and has offered to pay for them. That is a reasonable concession, imo. But, if the couple says no, fine. She should live with that.
But, damn, some of you are rigid af. You must be a delight at family affairs if asking to 2 additional couple invites gets you so rankled.
+1 Well said, PP.
Anonymous
02/22/2021 14:24
Subject: I overstepped. What now?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Thank you. Can I offer to pay for a few extra couples?
This is THEIR wedding, not yours.
What's the harm in asking? This is her son, after all. After you apologize, you ask if you can invite 2 additional couples, on your expense. Make clear that you understand if the answer is not and you will be fine with it. Then be fine with it.
There is no harm in asking. There is harm in doing without asking first.
I think the problem with asking is that it looks really lacking in self awareness, because at the dollars and cents moment what she’s saying is “Son, your in laws are paying for a $50,000 party to celebrate your marriage. If I chip in $500 can I dictate the guest list?” That’s a really unattractive position to start off with, both in how your daughter in law views your attitude about what you’re entitled to, and how your sons future in laws are going to view his family if he does try to fight this corner. You could offer to pay half and then realistically expect more guest list access but just chipping in for your “extra people” while someone else is buying dinner for you and your husband and your other children is really off.
You're sounding a bit over the top. It is ASKING, not dictating. AND offering to pay. It's only as you put it if that is how you would perceive it. I would not. I would also have no problem saying no, if I wanted to do so.
It's a wedding. Weddings require some give-and-take unless anyone involved is a nightmare. People have different priorities, requests, traditions, etc. Yes, the couple or the paying party can be authoritarian in the entire affair. But, MOST people are not like this and are willing to give a little. OP would like two couples -TWO, not twenty, not half the attendees- and has offered to pay for them. That is a reasonable concession, imo. But, if the couple says no, fine. She should live with that.
But, damn, some of you are rigid af. You must be a delight at family affairs if asking to 2 additional couple invites gets you so rankled.
Well, at the moment in my home state weddings can’t exceed 50 people if they’re held indoors. So 4 people is like 10% of the guest list. Don’t you think the bride and groom, or the parents of the bride, might also have liked 4 additional people? OP says her whole family is invited so this “just asking” is about having 14 rather than ten of her closest friends as well. To me, that’s the over the top request.
Anonymous
02/22/2021 14:23
Subject: I overstepped. What now?
They also might have said 5 couples so that they could just have one table at their wedding of your friends.
Anonymous
02/22/2021 14:16
Subject: I overstepped. What now?
You don't think someone can pressure pretty hard by "just asking?"
DP
DP
Anonymous
02/22/2021 14:16
Subject: I overstepped. What now?
This exact scenario happened to us at our wedding. In-laws told a lot of their friends to save the date whom we were not planning on including. I think the plans others have suggested are exactly right. Apologize for overstepping and tell all 7 couples that you acted in haste and you don't know their plans yet.
The one point I would make is not to offer to pay and ask them to be included. It changes the makeup of their party to increase your friends as opposed to theirs. That was the point for us, if we had limited attendance from our friends, it should not evolve into a gathering focused on them and their friends.
The one point I would make is not to offer to pay and ask them to be included. It changes the makeup of their party to increase your friends as opposed to theirs. That was the point for us, if we had limited attendance from our friends, it should not evolve into a gathering focused on them and their friends.
Anonymous
02/22/2021 14:10
Subject: I overstepped. What now?
OP-- What you have done is not as big a deal as the weirdos on this board are making it out to be. There is no harm in asking if you can pay for additional guests. As a parent, you should have some say in the matter of your own child's wedding. In fact, maybe offer to pay for half of the wedding so that you can have more of a say in the wedding. I question a kid's values who won't let their parents invite close friends to a child's wedding. That is F'd up.
Anonymous
02/22/2021 14:05
Subject: I overstepped. What now?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Thank you. Can I offer to pay for a few extra couples?
This is THEIR wedding, not yours.
What's the harm in asking? This is her son, after all. After you apologize, you ask if you can invite 2 additional couples, on your expense. Make clear that you understand if the answer is not and you will be fine with it. Then be fine with it.
There is no harm in asking. There is harm in doing without asking first.
I think the problem with asking is that it looks really lacking in self awareness, because at the dollars and cents moment what she’s saying is “Son, your in laws are paying for a $50,000 party to celebrate your marriage. If I chip in $500 can I dictate the guest list?” That’s a really unattractive position to start off with, both in how your daughter in law views your attitude about what you’re entitled to, and how your sons future in laws are going to view his family if he does try to fight this corner. You could offer to pay half and then realistically expect more guest list access but just chipping in for your “extra people” while someone else is buying dinner for you and your husband and your other children is really off.
You're sounding a bit over the top. It is ASKING, not dictating. AND offering to pay. It's only as you put it if that is how you would perceive it. I would not. I would also have no problem saying no, if I wanted to do so.
It's a wedding. Weddings require some give-and-take unless anyone involved is a nightmare. People have different priorities, requests, traditions, etc. Yes, the couple or the paying party can be authoritarian in the entire affair. But, MOST people are not like this and are willing to give a little. OP would like two couples -TWO, not twenty, not half the attendees- and has offered to pay for them. That is a reasonable concession, imo. But, if the couple says no, fine. She should live with that.
But, damn, some of you are rigid af. You must be a delight at family affairs if asking to 2 additional couple invites gets you so rankled.
Anonymous
02/22/2021 13:03
Subject: I overstepped. What now?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Thank you. Can I offer to pay for a few extra couples?
This is THEIR wedding, not yours.
What's the harm in asking? This is her son, after all. After you apologize, you ask if you can invite 2 additional couples, on your expense. Make clear that you understand if the answer is not and you will be fine with it. Then be fine with it.
There is no harm in asking. There is harm in doing without asking first.
I think the problem with asking is that it looks really lacking in self awareness, because at the dollars and cents moment what she’s saying is “Son, your in laws are paying for a $50,000 party to celebrate your marriage. If I chip in $500 can I dictate the guest list?” That’s a really unattractive position to start off with, both in how your daughter in law views your attitude about what you’re entitled to, and how your sons future in laws are going to view his family if he does try to fight this corner. You could offer to pay half and then realistically expect more guest list access but just chipping in for your “extra people” while someone else is buying dinner for you and your husband and your other children is really off.
Anonymous
02/22/2021 12:13
Subject: Re:I overstepped. What now?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP you're fine. This wasn't a malicious act. Don't listen to these uptight hags. Let it go. Your son and his fiance have a while to go and a 2022 guest list will change. Don't even bring it up. Grooms side usually hosts the rehearsal dinner, if that's your plan, invite the extra couples to that event. If it really gets down and dirty (a year from now) and you have to eliminate 2 couples, let them self select.
I added a few people at the last minute because I'm not an ogre. So sorry your joy is already overshadowed with nonsense.
Pp why are you insulting us? Maybe you are like op and a mother in law from hell? Seems to struck a chord and so you lash out. I thought the resposes were very measured and pretty much unanimous!
Ah, I see. You're a member of the MIL from hell club. I'm not a MIL. My MIL wasn't always pleasant, but I treated her with respect, nonetheless.
Why do you feel I was specifically insulting you? Maybe your response was measured, others were rude. Whether OP is a troll or not, my response would be the same. OP was excited and shared her joy with her closest friends.
Hate to burst your bubble but, I am not a MIL either, toots. It was you calling other women HAGS that I felt were unnecessary. You could have supported op's side without the childish name calling.
I meant you're part of the club that uses the insulting term, MIL from hell. I stand by my uptight hags comment because it's evident here, and in most forums. OP is very apologetic and concerned, not typically the traits of a hellish MIL. These are your words, Maybe you are like op and a mother in law from hell? Don't be a hypocrite, toots.
Anonymous
02/22/2021 10:29
Subject: I overstepped. What now?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Not everyone accepts a wedding invitation. There’s a good chance that if you invite all seven, at least two of them won’t be able to attend. That would completely solve your problem.
Also, will you be hosting a rehearsal dinner? You could invite whomever you want to that. Yes, it’s usually just the wedding party, but today people invite lots of people to that event.
The bride’s family will host the wedding reception and can control that guest list, but if you are hosting the rehearsal dinner, you can control that guest list.
Or, just have a big party at your home or venue of your choice to celebrate the love of your son and his fiancée.
It is shocking how many of you are unfamiliar with basic wedding etiquette. YOu don't invite people who are not invited to the actual wedding and reception to wedding-related events! It's a gift grab, and it highlights that they didn't "make the cut." Wow.
Bwahahaha!
Do you hear how ridiculous you sound?
"basic wedding etiquette" 🤣
Take the stick out of your ass, because all of that untreated anxiety that you're struggling with is terrible for your health.
You’re simply ignorant and lack basic manners:
https://www.brides.com/story/who-gets-invited-to-your-bridal-shower
That's specific to "bridal showers," which are about setting the bride up for a new household with gifts. Like a "baby shower," the purpose of the gathering is to present gifts.
I can't tell if you don't know that you can have parties that are not "showers," or if you were confused.
Anonymous
02/22/2021 09:54
Subject: Re:I overstepped. What now?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP you're fine. This wasn't a malicious act. Don't listen to these uptight hags. Let it go. Your son and his fiance have a while to go and a 2022 guest list will change. Don't even bring it up. Grooms side usually hosts the rehearsal dinner, if that's your plan, invite the extra couples to that event. If it really gets down and dirty (a year from now) and you have to eliminate 2 couples, let them self select.
I added a few people at the last minute because I'm not an ogre. So sorry your joy is already overshadowed with nonsense.
Pp why are you insulting us? Maybe you are like op and a mother in law from hell? Seems to struck a chord and so you lash out. I thought the resposes were very measured and pretty much unanimous!
Ah, I see. You're a member of the MIL from hell club. I'm not a MIL. My MIL wasn't always pleasant, but I treated her with respect, nonetheless.
Why do you feel I was specifically insulting you? Maybe your response was measured, others were rude. Whether OP is a troll or not, my response would be the same. OP was excited and shared her joy with her closest friends.
Hate to burst your bubble but, I am not a MIL either, toots. It was you calling other women HAGS that I felt were unnecessary. You could have supported op's side without the childish name calling.
Anonymous
02/22/2021 09:47
Subject: I overstepped. What now?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You will be the in-law from hell if you start saying you want to add more guests (even if offering to pay). Don’t ruin your child’s future life. Apologize to your friends for YOUR mistake and then learn to take a back seat.
No. You cannot add to the guest list. Just tell ALL couples you are not sure if they will be invited and you made a mistake.
Oh GOOD GRIEF. For some reason people on DCUM think that brides and grooms are made of glass or something. Just have a conversation with your son. You don't have to say "I already invited people." Just say, "I was thinking about which 5 couples we could invite, and there are really 7 couples who we'd like to include. Would it be possible to have 4 more people?" I mean, FFS. Is it really such a huge, dramatic imposition to have a conversation with one's own child? If he says no, then take no for an answer and don't bring it up again. But maybe the answer will be yes, who knows. And then problem solved.
I really don't understand how people who are in a family cannot just have a simple conversation.
X 10000. I posted above something similar.
I cannot stand the level of piling on here. She made a mistake. She is excited. And it is a family event. She can absolutely ask her son about 2 additional couples.
Some of you need to chill out. You are way over the top in your comments and criticism. Ugly people all around.
Anonymous
02/22/2021 09:44
Subject: I overstepped. What now?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Thank you. Can I offer to pay for a few extra couples?
This is THEIR wedding, not yours.
What's the harm in asking? This is her son, after all. After you apologize, you ask if you can invite 2 additional couples, on your expense. Make clear that you understand if the answer is not and you will be fine with it. Then be fine with it.
There is no harm in asking. There is harm in doing without asking first.
Anonymous
02/22/2021 09:04
Subject: I overstepped. What now?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:They don't WANT your friends at THEIR wedding. Those are YOUR friends, not theirs. So no, don't offer to pay for your extra friends.
Just don't bring it up again to anyone and if any of the friends who WON'T be invited bring it up, just lie and tell them that after the bride & groom finalized their wedding budget they are having a very small, intimate wedding.
OP here. But again, they'll be able to see with their own eyes from the photos and from Facebook and from the invites couples that this is just not true! It's a close circle and they'll know from the new who are invited that it isn't small or family-only.
God you’re relentless. I can tell already you’re going to be a nightmare of a MIL. You don’t have to lie. You’ve been given great advice on here on offering honest advice, but you are ignoring because you are refusing to acknowledge that you must “undo” your “invites.” Stop avoiding doing the right thing and trying to finagle a way to get your way.
You clearly wrote she is relentless, but you keep posting and feeding this troll? OP is not the future MIL! She is a bridezilla.