Anonymous
01/16/2021 21:06
Subject: I know this is completely unethical
First, leave. That is most important. Leave while he is on his trip. Take everything and leave no forwarding information.
Then, sit with this. Breathe. You are not too late to terminate. Listen: I know you want to be a mother. But do you want to create a child whose life is going to be full of cruelty and abuse? Who, at best, is going to be taught to despise and disrespect his mother? Or who, at worse, will be the target of the same intentional cruelty that he has unleashed on you at the same time as he claimed to want you to be the mother of his children? No good comes of this. You do not HAVE to create a child under these conditions. Seriously. This is consigning not just yourself but your innocent child to years and years of complications, anxiety, cruelty.
I hope you will free yourself and have mercy on this potential child by ending this pregnancy. If you choose to birth a child into this situation, you do not owe him ANYTHING until the cold is born. Take this time for yourself. But when the child is born, it is only going to be worse if you try to keep him hidden. It will make you look worse in front of a judge and trust me, kicking you toward the bottom of the bed means nothing in court. He’s got the means and te cruelty to drag this out and hurt you and the child and he will.
He’s a bad guy. Don’t make him a father.
Then, sit with this. Breathe. You are not too late to terminate. Listen: I know you want to be a mother. But do you want to create a child whose life is going to be full of cruelty and abuse? Who, at best, is going to be taught to despise and disrespect his mother? Or who, at worse, will be the target of the same intentional cruelty that he has unleashed on you at the same time as he claimed to want you to be the mother of his children? No good comes of this. You do not HAVE to create a child under these conditions. Seriously. This is consigning not just yourself but your innocent child to years and years of complications, anxiety, cruelty.
I hope you will free yourself and have mercy on this potential child by ending this pregnancy. If you choose to birth a child into this situation, you do not owe him ANYTHING until the cold is born. Take this time for yourself. But when the child is born, it is only going to be worse if you try to keep him hidden. It will make you look worse in front of a judge and trust me, kicking you toward the bottom of the bed means nothing in court. He’s got the means and te cruelty to drag this out and hurt you and the child and he will.
He’s a bad guy. Don’t make him a father.
Anonymous
01/16/2021 21:05
Subject: I know this is completely unethical
Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe the number of people supporting this plan. OP describes an abusive, controlling man with a lot of money who wants this kid. Does anyone really think she could pull this off without consequences?
OP, eventually this man will find out. When he does, it won't be a matter of sharing custody. It won't matter where he lives. You will lose custody. He will go to court and accuse you of lying and essentially kidnapping his child. And a judge will give him custody and you will be flying back here a handful of times a year for supervised visitation, which is all you will get. Just imagine how you will feel if after 2, 4, 7, or 10 years that child is taken away from you.
You would be insane to consider this. Insane. And that's not even considering the ethical problems.
You have two realistic options:
1. Abort and go about your life. Try a sperm donor if you want a baby now.
2. Go home for a vacation. Call you BF, break up with him, and tell him you're staying where you are. You will either work out a cross-country visitation schedule or he'll sue for custody (he'll have to sue where you have moved) and you'll have to fight in court. He may win, he may not.
That's it. They may be two imperfect choices, but you need to choose the most palatable and follow through. Trying to hide the baby is a truly awful, terrible idea that will bring you a great deal of pain.
Best of luck to you.
I find it really difficult believe a judge would do this with a best interest of the child standard and particularly if the mother had documented ohysical abuse. The most likely outcome is visits for dad, gradually building up to allowing the father to take the child out of state for more extended period. No judge is going to send a child out of state with a man the child has never met before, unless the mom is in jail or incapacitated. It’s not a “which parent acted worse” standard— it’s the best interest of the child.
Anonymous
01/16/2021 20:58
Subject: I know this is completely unethical
Anonymous wrote:I would not terminate in this situation, but I'd seek legal advice and document every instance of abuse. And move right away before he gets more involved. He may just back off.
This OP. Definitely keep the baby and move right away. Once you move, contact him after a few months once you’ve had a chance to get really good legal advice. Key is to move soon and block him until you’ve had legal service. I think you do ultimately tell him since otherwise it will come back to haunt you later on.
Anonymous
01/16/2021 19:23
Subject: Re:I know this is completely unethical
I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot. All I have to add is that, in the experience of my sister in law in New York, the documented physical abuse didn't matter because it was against her and not the child. And I'm talking about bruise marks on her neck after he strangled her against a door. So take that into account. Best wishes regardless of what you decide.
Anonymous
01/16/2021 18:01
Subject: I know this is completely unethical
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Although PP is right, I'd probably do what you propose and move thousands of miles away and fake a miscarriage. How vested is he in the pregnancy? You can always claim you used a sperm donor later if he happens to find out--and I would absolutely tell my family and everyone else that's what I did just in case he shows up one day.
He can't come to my appo because of covid. But he's pretty involved. He's always wanted a biological child. He's much older than me. I like the sperm donor idea, thank you.
You can't do that to him. Even if he is cheating on you. Even if he's been verbally abusive to you. Can you imagine, if you gave birth and your partner told you the baby died of SIDS while you were asleep, and it turns out he just took the baby elsewhere and then raised it without you, because he found out you cheated on him?
He's escalating. When I asked him about the condoms( we don't use them) he shoved me off the bed. I was sitting upright and he kept kicking until I fell on my knees. Its not just the cheating. His behavior has flipped out of nowhere and he's escalating.
Document everything and leave. You need to be somewhere safe.
Anonymous
01/16/2021 17:53
Subject: I know this is completely unethical
I cannot believe the number of people supporting this plan. OP describes an abusive, controlling man with a lot of money who wants this kid. Does anyone really think she could pull this off without consequences?
OP, eventually this man will find out. When he does, it won't be a matter of sharing custody. It won't matter where he lives. You will lose custody. He will go to court and accuse you of lying and essentially kidnapping his child. And a judge will give him custody and you will be flying back here a handful of times a year for supervised visitation, which is all you will get. Just imagine how you will feel if after 2, 4, 7, or 10 years that child is taken away from you.
You would be insane to consider this. Insane. And that's not even considering the ethical problems.
You have two realistic options:
1. Abort and go about your life. Try a sperm donor if you want a baby now.
2. Go home for a vacation. Call you BF, break up with him, and tell him you're staying where you are. You will either work out a cross-country visitation schedule or he'll sue for custody (he'll have to sue where you have moved) and you'll have to fight in court. He may win, he may not.
That's it. They may be two imperfect choices, but you need to choose the most palatable and follow through. Trying to hide the baby is a truly awful, terrible idea that will bring you a great deal of pain.
Best of luck to you.
OP, eventually this man will find out. When he does, it won't be a matter of sharing custody. It won't matter where he lives. You will lose custody. He will go to court and accuse you of lying and essentially kidnapping his child. And a judge will give him custody and you will be flying back here a handful of times a year for supervised visitation, which is all you will get. Just imagine how you will feel if after 2, 4, 7, or 10 years that child is taken away from you.
You would be insane to consider this. Insane. And that's not even considering the ethical problems.
You have two realistic options:
1. Abort and go about your life. Try a sperm donor if you want a baby now.
2. Go home for a vacation. Call you BF, break up with him, and tell him you're staying where you are. You will either work out a cross-country visitation schedule or he'll sue for custody (he'll have to sue where you have moved) and you'll have to fight in court. He may win, he may not.
That's it. They may be two imperfect choices, but you need to choose the most palatable and follow through. Trying to hide the baby is a truly awful, terrible idea that will bring you a great deal of pain.
Best of luck to you.
Anonymous
01/16/2021 17:35
Subject: I know this is completely unethical
Anonymous wrote:My sister went through this. The ex was cheating on her, didn't want a relationship. She moved several states away, to my parents' hometown. She had every reason to think that he would be distant at that point, but he followed her. She intended to leave him off the birth certificate; he forced it.
They managed to stay out of court, but if he'd wanted it he could have gotten court-ordered overnight visits with their child and she would have been stuck pumping for that purpose.
Judges really, really do not look kindly on what you are planning to do here, OP. This is 100% a bet on whether he will follow you.
You should have an abortion. Do not be an idiot about this.
This is exactly right. Also, and I haven't read all the posts, so someone probably (I hope!) raised this already, this is horribly unfair to the child - stripping him or her of any possibility to know and have a relationship with the father. You may think he's an ass, who abused you - and I'm sure you're right. But you obviously don't care about him in this scenario. But it's a terrible thing to do to a child, and you apparently don't care about that either. All you care about is what you want.
You're a moderately terrible person, OP.
Anonymous
01/16/2021 17:33
Subject: Re:I know this is completely unethical
Leave tell everyone it’s was one night rebound stand that knocked you up
Anonymous
01/16/2021 17:30
Subject: I know this is completely unethical
Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom who had a kid with a man I shouldn't have despite using BC. My kids are now in HS. I love them, but I wish I had loved myself enough to leave and have a baby on my own or in a healthy relationship. And I wish I had loved them enough to choose more wisely about their father and family.
But if you divorced, then they'd be with only only 50% of the time and you can't control the other 50%. I think that's what many people grapple with.
Anonymous
01/16/2021 17:29
Subject: Re:I know this is completely unethical
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Birth certificates are public record. He'll easily be able to find things out by doing a genealogy search using your name and DOB.
Why would he go looking if he thinks I miscarried? He is supposed to go out of town soon for work. I'm planning on " miscarrying" then. Once I move he will probably attempt to call I will most likely change my number
It's a permanent record. Are you sure he wont' google you any time in the next 18 years?
Go Google one of your parent's names right now. I bet you'll find a result with your name listed there also. Guess where that information is coming from...
They don't list minor children on people search sites. But if this is real, the OP needs to remove her information from the White Pages and other sites because she won't want her ex to find her. It will take some effort or she can use a service.
So you can just use a service to remove all traces of you from the internet? Hahahahh... not possible.
Even if you remove it from the big search engines under an EU GDPR "right to be forgotten" request, that's only honored on searches in the EU, and you'd have to request this from every search engine, not just Google.
Anonymous
01/16/2021 17:25
Subject: Re:I know this is completely unethical
Anonymous wrote:I’m not a family law expert, but it’s your fetus your choice. I doubt a judge would award 50/50 custody down the road if the dad is geographically elsewhere and seeks partial custody
While it's still a fetus, it's definitely OP's choice. Once the baby is born, it's not.
Anonymous
01/16/2021 17:24
Subject: I know this is completely unethical
If you have this child the bf will be in your life forever. He can demand DNA and then sue for parental rights. Abusive people stay abusive and want to hurt others and he can hurt you through this child.
Anonymous
01/16/2021 17:18
Subject: I know this is completely unethical
My sister went through this. The ex was cheating on her, didn't want a relationship. She moved several states away, to my parents' hometown. She had every reason to think that he would be distant at that point, but he followed her. She intended to leave him off the birth certificate; he forced it.
They managed to stay out of court, but if he'd wanted it he could have gotten court-ordered overnight visits with their child and she would have been stuck pumping for that purpose.
Judges really, really do not look kindly on what you are planning to do here, OP. This is 100% a bet on whether he will follow you.
You should have an abortion. Do not be an idiot about this.
They managed to stay out of court, but if he'd wanted it he could have gotten court-ordered overnight visits with their child and she would have been stuck pumping for that purpose.
Judges really, really do not look kindly on what you are planning to do here, OP. This is 100% a bet on whether he will follow you.
You should have an abortion. Do not be an idiot about this.
Anonymous
01/16/2021 17:13
Subject: I know this is completely unethical
Anonymous wrote:Are courts in the habit of allowing men to demand paternity tests from mothers when child support isn't part of the equation?
Also, this is a work of fiction, but I credit OP for a more compelling storyline than the usual Hallmark Romance and Lifetime Mystery reject scripts that get posted here. for that I award you with a B+/A-
I don't think it happens all the time, but sure, this request could absolutely be made and probably with a preponderance of evidence the court could order just that.
I'm on OP's side here, based on what's been posted.
Anonymous
01/16/2021 17:08
Subject: Re:I know this is completely unethical
Anonymous wrote:13 weeksAnonymous wrote:Don’t put anything in writing, don’t text about it or email.
How far along are you?
If he doesn't know, then don't tell him. He's abusive. Leave. Deal with the rest later, from far away, with your own lawyer.