Anonymous wrote:I make more, but spouse does lion's share of cooking and also is very hands-on with our kids while everyone is remote and while I'm working.

Would this salary unnerve you? Would you try to re-calibrate to allow spouse to make more? I am second-guessing everything based on a comment my cousin said during a cousins zoom about how much it costs to save for college, retirement, etc. We are very open in my family about salaries, life, anything, and I said how much he made and she said, "Well, I'm sure he can look for a higher-paying job after the pandemic."

It was not a mean thing, she didn't intend it that way, she was being supportive but realised how it came out and walked it back. But now I'm left with her words in my ears wondering if he's in some kind of low-paying job (he has an MBA but works on the business end of an engineering firm).

If you had a spouse who made this much (and was very family-focused) would the numbers unnerve you? We live in a HCOL suburb, etc, with two kids who will go to college in 10 yrs. Maybe this is a money forum question but it feels more family-focused as I am now feeling nervous about DH/my choices...which have sometimes cropped up but to hear someone verbalise it made it hit home if that makes sense.

If a man said this EVER MAN HATING WOMAN HERE would find his real address and attack him - LOL.

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Anonymous wrote:Why....are you talking to your cousins about how much money your spouse makes? That is really bizarre, and I am super close with my cousins. You need some boundaries with your family, lady.

Seriously. That was a huge breach of trust. I would be extremely upset if my spouse discussed my salary with anyone. Not their business.

I think it's cultural. In many American families it's considered to be extremely inappropriate, but I'm Eastern European and we discuss this freely. My Desi friends are the same way.

I don't know if Chinese natives discuss these details with each other, but I do know they ask these types of questions are asked much more directly there than they would be here.

Ha! I am Indian and the first time I brought my white then-boyfriend now DH to a family event he was buttonholed by my aunts and given the third degree about his career and income.

Gross.

To you it’s gross, to us Americans are cold and strange.

If my BFF’s husband made six figures, she’d be overjoyed. I think he makes like 60k and he’s 44.

Have some pride in your husband.

He does most of the housework and childcare all while earning a very decent salary. You are the lucky one in this situation.

If you want a higher HHI so you can tell your family about it, I suggest you go find a higher paying job for yourself.

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Anonymous wrote:Why....are you talking to your cousins about how much money your spouse makes? That is really bizarre, and I am super close with my cousins. You need some boundaries with your family, lady.

Seriously. That was a huge breach of trust. I would be extremely upset if my spouse discussed my salary with anyone. Not their business.

I think it's cultural. In many American families it's considered to be extremely inappropriate, but I'm Eastern European and we discuss this freely. My Desi friends are the same way.

I don't know if Chinese natives discuss these details with each other, but I do know they ask these types of questions are asked much more directly there than they would be here.

Ha! I am Indian and the first time I brought my white then-boyfriend now DH to a family event he was buttonholed by my aunts and given the third degree about his career and income.

Gross.

Girl, bye!!!

Anonymous wrote:It makes me sad that people who are as stupid as OP make too much money for their own good, LOL

Who in the world hires these people?

Me to a recruiter: do you ever see someone hired and wonder "what did a company see in this person"?
Recruiter: all the time

It's a perfectly respectable salary. If he is overall a good mate then you have nothing to complain about.

Anonymous wrote:I make more, but spouse does lion's share of cooking and also is very hands-on with our kids while everyone is remote and while I'm working.

Would this salary unnerve you? Would you try to re-calibrate to allow spouse to make more? I am second-guessing everything based on a comment my cousin said during a cousins zoom about how much it costs to save for college, retirement, etc. We are very open in my family about salaries, life, anything, and I said how much he made and she said, "Well, I'm sure he can look for a higher-paying job after the pandemic."

It was not a mean thing, she didn't intend it that way, she was being supportive but realised how it came out and walked it back. But now I'm left with her words in my ears wondering if he's in some kind of low-paying job (he has an MBA but works on the business end of an engineering firm).

If you had a spouse who made this much (and was very family-focused) would the numbers unnerve you? We live in a HCOL suburb, etc, with two kids who will go to college in 10 yrs. Maybe this is a money forum question but it feels more family-focused as I am now feeling nervous about DH/my choices...which have sometimes cropped up but to hear someone verbalise it made it hit home if that makes sense.

Go marry a hedge-fund trader then, damn. $125,000 is a pretty good salary.

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You are nuts. 125k is 87th percentile for salary in the US.

According to this site, it is 90th percentile in 2020, Essentially OP is saying that 90% of the American population is too poor for her family. That's incredibly shallow and greedy.

https://dqydj.com/average-median-top-individual-income-percentiles/#:~:text=and%20so%20on!-,2020%20Individual%20Income%20Percentiles%20for%20the%20United%20States,Median%20individual%20income%3A%20%2443%2C206.00

Individual Income
Percentile | 2020 | 2019 | Absolute Increase | Percentage Change
90.00% | $125,105.00 | $118,211.27 | $6,893.73 | 5.83%

Not in DC, and not among married men with children. And OP isn't married to "90% of the American population", she is married to one specific person, and they should discuss their financial and career goals with each other and figure out what's best for themselves and their children based on that, not based on what her cousin thinks and not based on what other people earn.

The PP I was responding to said explicitly "in the US" not "in DC". See the bolded. If the PP wanted to talk about in DC, she should not have said "in the US". Sorry, but words have actual meanings.

The implications of both the PP and you was that OP should STFU and be grateful because her husband makes more than a reference population that mostly includes people living in lower COL areas, and also people who aren't supporting children. I've had that kind of reasoning used on me when I was being underpaid and I find it trite and lazy. Figuring out the right career decisions for yourself and your family are not judgements on the income or lifestyles of other Americans.

She was perfectly happy with her life, her husband and their choices until she had to have an inappropriate conversation with her cousin. And now she's let a very greedy and entitled family member make her question her husband, her marriage and her life choices. They were very happy with their life before the conversation; why is she no longer satisfied? She has a spouse who has a good salary better than 80% of the DC metro area and 90% of the country. And she makes more than he does. Their ballpark $275K income is 88th percentile in DC, 92nd percentile in MD and 93rd percentile in VA, so they are better off than 90%+ of the DC metro area.

Not so much STFU, as ignore the cousin who is out of touch with reality and continue to be happy with the situation you were perfectly happy with before. Don't rock the boat and try to guilt your spouse into leaving a job that he is happy with and happy with the family friendly accommodations just to get more money. More marriages dissolve over money squabbles than any other issue. Do not bring up the money issue if you are otherwise happy with your life and lifestyle. It's going out of your way to create a problem where there isn't one. If she really has a concern over whether they can afford their lifestyle choices, then that is the discussion to have. Maybe the right solution is that OP, who does less of the household chores and childcare and who needs family friendly flexibility less, should be the one to change jobs for a higher paying job. When you have children, one parent needs to have a flexible job to deal with family issues as they come up. So, her husband's priority should be on flexibility and her priority should be on making enough money for their lifestyle choices. Plus, she's the one that wants the more expensive things in life, she should be the one to increase their household income if these are so important to her.

Anonymous wrote:What field is he in? Btw, this is why I don’t discuss salary with family or friends.

Depends on this and other perks. Like a club fed or non profit or professor hours with lots more time off and summers. Plus job security and annual cola salary increases.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Why....are you talking to your cousins about how much money your spouse makes? That is really bizarre, and I am super close with my cousins. You need some boundaries with your family, lady.

Seriously. That was a huge breach of trust. I would be extremely upset if my spouse discussed my salary with anyone. Not their business.

I think it's cultural. In many American families it's considered to be extremely inappropriate, but I'm Eastern European and we discuss this freely. My Desi friends are the same way.

I don't know if Chinese natives discuss these details with each other, but I do know they ask these types of questions are asked much more directly there than they would be here.

Ha! I am Indian and the first time I brought my white then-boyfriend now DH to a family event he was buttonholed by my aunts and given the third degree about his career and income.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why....are you talking to your cousins about how much money your spouse makes? That is really bizarre, and I am super close with my cousins. You need some boundaries with your family, lady.

Seriously. That was a huge breach of trust. I would be extremely upset if my spouse discussed my salary with anyone. Not their business.

I think it's cultural. In many American families it's considered to be extremely inappropriate, but I'm Eastern European and we discuss this freely. My Desi friends are the same way.

I don't know if Chinese natives discuss these details with each other, but I do know they ask these types of questions are asked much more directly there than they would be here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You are nuts. 125k is 87th percentile for salary in the US.

According to this site, it is 90th percentile in 2020, Essentially OP is saying that 90% of the American population is too poor for her family. That's incredibly shallow and greedy.

https://dqydj.com/average-median-top-individual-income-percentiles/#:~:text=and%20so%20on!-,2020%20Individual%20Income%20Percentiles%20for%20the%20United%20States,Median%20individual%20income%3A%20%2443%2C206.00

Individual Income
Percentile | 2020 | 2019 | Absolute Increase | Percentage Change
90.00% | $125,105.00 | $118,211.27 | $6,893.73 | 5.83%

Not in DC, and not among married men with children. And OP isn't married to "90% of the American population", she is married to one specific person, and they should discuss their financial and career goals with each other and figure out what's best for themselves and their children based on that, not based on what her cousin thinks and not based on what other people earn.

The PP I was responding to said explicitly "in the US" not "in DC". See the bolded. If the PP wanted to talk about in DC, she should not have said "in the US". Sorry, but words have actual meanings.

The implications of both the PP and you was that OP should STFU and be grateful because her husband makes more than a reference population that mostly includes people living in lower COL areas, and also people who aren't supporting children. I've had that kind of reasoning used on me when I was being underpaid and I find it trite and lazy. Figuring out the right career decisions for yourself and your family are not judgements on the income or lifestyles of other Americans.

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Anonymous wrote:Everyone is flaming you, but I can see where you are coming from, at least to a degree.

My husband got pushed out of Biglaw and the best he could find at about $125k. Yes, it was a decent salary and yes I made more, but it really made a big difference in our overall financial picture, particularly our ability to save for big things like college and retirement and the ability to have relatively modest luxuries.

He's since been able to switch jobs and is making around $225, which makes things a lot more comfortable.

If your husband would or should have the ability to make more (and that isn't clear from your post), particularly if it wouldn't require worse hours/lifestyle, then I could see you having some concerns. If $125 is simply what he can make in his industry or given his experience, then I wouldn't be too concerned and just accept it for what it is.

Yeah, you sound just as gross and stupid as OP. How much money do you make? Oh right none. WHINE WHINE WHINE BABY

She said she makes more than her DH. Nonetheless - I’m giving her an eye roll. DH and I make just a bit more than 125k combined and can afford modest luxuries. We live within our means but have what we need, and can save.