Anonymous wrote:^ that is a huge violation of your personal health. To not know and then find out you have not been in a monogamous marriage is horrifying. You can’t wash away the dirty feeling. That’s why pps said it feels like rape.

I still feel being raped. He was coming back from business trips, and would request my oral on him, literally next day after he slept with her. I found text messages on his cell phone where she writes "lost the key to your floor" and it was the morning of the same day he slept with me. She was with him in Vienna in the morning, and my son and I flew there in the evening. He just switched hotels.

I literally was throwing up when I found out. I feel I was raped for many years, because if I knew he was sleeping with someone else, I wouldn't be sleeping with him! He took my sexual choices from me, and basically had sex with me without me being fully informed.

Anonymous wrote:^ that is a huge violation of your personal health. To not know and then find out you have not been in a monogamous marriage is horrifying. You can’t wash away the dirty feeling. That’s why pps said it feels like rape.

Definitely a form of abuse.

^ that is a huge violation of your personal health. To not know and then find out you have not been in a monogamous marriage is horrifying. You can’t wash away the dirty feeling. That’s why pps said it feels like rape.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a terrible shock after discovery of a 5-year hidden affair. Couldn't function at all and was an emotional mess for the first 6 months. I still can't talk to him, and we live separated in the same house only emailing or texting on what relates to our son.
But I was able to dig myself out by 1) excluding all recreational alcohol - I noticed that red wine makes me terribly sad, if I am already sad and I couldn't sleep after drinking when I was so depressed 2) looking for a job and attending online classes. It's very difficult to concentrate, but the more effort I made, the better it was getting. I've had many unsuccessful interviews, especially in the beginning, but even those made me feel more in-demand, professional, talking with smart people. It was helping me to re-focus on something new.

Almost a year as I found out, and we are not divorced. I just calmly hate my exH, I consider him an abusive mental and physical rapist (because the affairs are a form of rape). But I can fully function and work on my future.

What does this mean?

DP. I found out my husband would have sex on Fridays unprotected. We always had sex Saturday mornings and multiple other days. I felt so violated when I knew he was just inside some other woman unprotected without my knowledge and then me. It was horrifying. The lies and gaslighting once you piece together that things they told you were complete lies and how they would place the lie a few weeks out and build on it....there are no words for how disorienting that is. This is why it is a severe trauma.

Oh and I know some Fridays he was most likely inside both of us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a terrible shock after discovery of a 5-year hidden affair. Couldn't function at all and was an emotional mess for the first 6 months. I still can't talk to him, and we live separated in the same house only emailing or texting on what relates to our son.
But I was able to dig myself out by 1) excluding all recreational alcohol - I noticed that red wine makes me terribly sad, if I am already sad and I couldn't sleep after drinking when I was so depressed 2) looking for a job and attending online classes. It's very difficult to concentrate, but the more effort I made, the better it was getting. I've had many unsuccessful interviews, especially in the beginning, but even those made me feel more in-demand, professional, talking with smart people. It was helping me to re-focus on something new.

Almost a year as I found out, and we are not divorced. I just calmly hate my exH, I consider him an abusive mental and physical rapist (because the affairs are a form of rape). But I can fully function and work on my future.

What does this mean?

DP. I found out my husband would have sex on Fridays unprotected. We always had sex Saturday mornings and multiple other days. I felt so violated when I knew he was just inside some other woman unprotected without my knowledge and then me. It was horrifying. The lies and gaslighting once you piece together that things they told you were complete lies and how they would place the lie a few weeks out and build on it....there are no words for how disorienting that is. This is why it is a severe trauma.

Anonymous wrote:I had a terrible shock after discovery of a 5-year hidden affair. Couldn't function at all and was an emotional mess for the first 6 months. I still can't talk to him, and we live separated in the same house only emailing or texting on what relates to our son.
But I was able to dig myself out by 1) excluding all recreational alcohol - I noticed that red wine makes me terribly sad, if I am already sad and I couldn't sleep after drinking when I was so depressed 2) looking for a job and attending online classes. It's very difficult to concentrate, but the more effort I made, the better it was getting. I've had many unsuccessful interviews, especially in the beginning, but even those made me feel more in-demand, professional, talking with smart people. It was helping me to re-focus on something new.

Almost a year as I found out, and we are not divorced. I just calmly hate my exH, I consider him an abusive mental and physical rapist (because the affairs are a form of rape). But I can fully function and work on my future.

What does this mean?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good luck, PP. I am similar to you but have a demanding career. No one knew that this happened and all I could do was keep working. I actually switched jobs A few months after I found out. In some ways, my job was so hard - all the meetings and stress and people leaning on me for their work woes. But in other ways, it gave me hours in the day that I had no time to feel the raw pain of what dh had done to me. I wish you luck in your job search!

I wish I had a career, a job! I think I would be flying from happiness that he's gone, if I had a career and stability of my own. He persuaded me to leave my legal job 10 years ago, promising bright future and happy retirement. And then he began an affair.

I am so, so sorry, PP. I am a woman in a male dominated field and this is all too common a story. They get all the great benefits of a SAHM but shit all over them at the office and cheat constantly, particularly when traveling. Dogs. Go to the career forum and check out the threads on re-entering the workforce after many years out, if that is indeed what you might want to do. It is inspiring! Your future might look different than what your husband promised you, but your story is not over. It might be better than you ever anticipated.

And you know what he was telling me? "You are not worthy". "I don't need a cook". "We grew apart". "I don't plan to spend my retirement with you". This is after me leaving my job so he could travel 100 days a year for his business. He rented an apartment to a foreign born mistress in Switzerland and was seeing her there on travels!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good luck, PP. I am similar to you but have a demanding career. No one knew that this happened and all I could do was keep working. I actually switched jobs A few months after I found out. In some ways, my job was so hard - all the meetings and stress and people leaning on me for their work woes. But in other ways, it gave me hours in the day that I had no time to feel the raw pain of what dh had done to me. I wish you luck in your job search!

I wish cheaters had the capacity to feel even 1/16 of the raw pain and mental anguish they cause with their selfish actions. I am another pp that discovered a 4-year affair and it floored me. It was terrifying. I’m a very fit athletic person and still lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks from not being able to eat or keep food down. I looked anorexic. I didn’t sleep for almost a month and for months after I had horrible nightmares and would wake up with mental images and be unable to return to sleep. I have no idea how I was able to keep my job because I was barely functioning. The most isolating part is you don’t share the info to protect your kids so you are totally isolated. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

I get very angry when I hear how nonchalant some of these APs are on this board and how they aren’t hurting anyone because nobody will find out. Really??? They break up families for their genitals.

They all can rot in hell and suffer the karma coming their way.

So so true. You try to protect your kids and carry this internal bomb

DCUM is the only place I can write my feelings out bc the kids don’t know. Our families and friends don’t know. The advice i got was to wait until I was ready to divorce before telling everyone. I feel so alone keeping up with my career, the kids, and friends. I am so grateful that we are quarantined bc I don’t have to see people that much. I’m dying a little bit every day.

I felt the same about quarantine. In a way a blessing because I don’t have to face anyone. I’m an open book people would have known something was seriously wrong.

It’s awful we have to carry this burden. When my dad died, I had support and comfort and could talk about it. Everyone knew I was grieving. With infidelity you grieve completely by yourself. You can’t function and you have no support.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good luck, PP. I am similar to you but have a demanding career. No one knew that this happened and all I could do was keep working. I actually switched jobs A few months after I found out. In some ways, my job was so hard - all the meetings and stress and people leaning on me for their work woes. But in other ways, it gave me hours in the day that I had no time to feel the raw pain of what dh had done to me. I wish you luck in your job search!

I wish I had a career, a job! I think I would be flying from happiness that he's gone, if I had a career and stability of my own. He persuaded me to leave my legal job 10 years ago, promising bright future and happy retirement. And then he began an affair.

I am so, so sorry, PP. I am a woman in a male dominated field and this is all too common a story. They get all the great benefits of a SAHM but shit all over them at the office and cheat constantly, particularly when traveling. Dogs. Go to the career forum and check out the threads on re-entering the workforce after many years out, if that is indeed what you might want to do. It is inspiring! Your future might look different than what your husband promised you, but your story is not over. It might be better than you ever anticipated.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good luck, PP. I am similar to you but have a demanding career. No one knew that this happened and all I could do was keep working. I actually switched jobs A few months after I found out. In some ways, my job was so hard - all the meetings and stress and people leaning on me for their work woes. But in other ways, it gave me hours in the day that I had no time to feel the raw pain of what dh had done to me. I wish you luck in your job search!

I wish cheaters had the capacity to feel even 1/16 of the raw pain and mental anguish they cause with their selfish actions. I am another pp that discovered a 4-year affair and it floored me. It was terrifying. I’m a very fit athletic person and still lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks from not being able to eat or keep food down. I looked anorexic. I didn’t sleep for almost a month and for months after I had horrible nightmares and would wake up with mental images and be unable to return to sleep. I have no idea how I was able to keep my job because I was barely functioning. The most isolating part is you don’t share the info to protect your kids so you are totally isolated. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

I get very angry when I hear how nonchalant some of these APs are on this board and how they aren’t hurting anyone because nobody will find out. Really??? They break up families for their genitals.

They all can rot in hell and suffer the karma coming their way.

So so true. You try to protect your kids and carry this internal bomb

DCUM is the only place I can write my feelings out bc the kids don’t know. Our families and friends don’t know. The advice i got was to wait until I was ready to divorce before telling everyone. I feel so alone keeping up with my career, the kids, and friends. I am so grateful that we are quarantined bc I don’t have to see people that much. I’m dying a little bit every day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good luck, PP. I am similar to you but have a demanding career. No one knew that this happened and all I could do was keep working. I actually switched jobs A few months after I found out. In some ways, my job was so hard - all the meetings and stress and people leaning on me for their work woes. But in other ways, it gave me hours in the day that I had no time to feel the raw pain of what dh had done to me. I wish you luck in your job search!

I wish cheaters had the capacity to feel even 1/16 of the raw pain and mental anguish they cause with their selfish actions. I am another pp that discovered a 4-year affair and it floored me. It was terrifying. I’m a very fit athletic person and still lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks from not being able to eat or keep food down. I looked anorexic. I didn’t sleep for almost a month and for months after I had horrible nightmares and would wake up with mental images and be unable to return to sleep. I have no idea how I was able to keep my job because I was barely functioning. The most isolating part is you don’t share the info to protect your kids so you are totally isolated. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

I get very angry when I hear how nonchalant some of these APs are on this board and how they aren’t hurting anyone because nobody will find out. Really??? They break up families for their genitals.

They all can rot in hell and suffer the karma coming their way.

So so true. You try to protect your kids and carry this internal bomb

Anonymous wrote:Good luck, PP. I am similar to you but have a demanding career. No one knew that this happened and all I could do was keep working. I actually switched jobs A few months after I found out. In some ways, my job was so hard - all the meetings and stress and people leaning on me for their work woes. But in other ways, it gave me hours in the day that I had no time to feel the raw pain of what dh had done to me. I wish you luck in your job search!

I wish cheaters had the capacity to feel even 1/16 of the raw pain and mental anguish they cause with their selfish actions. I am another pp that discovered a 4-year affair and it floored me. It was terrifying. I’m a very fit athletic person and still lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks from not being able to eat or keep food down. I looked anorexic. I didn’t sleep for almost a month and for months after I had horrible nightmares and would wake up with mental images and be unable to return to sleep. I have no idea how I was able to keep my job because I was barely functioning. The most isolating part is you don’t share the info to protect your kids so you are totally isolated. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

I get very angry when I hear how nonchalant some of these APs are on this board and how they aren’t hurting anyone because nobody will find out. Really??? They break up families for their genitals.

They all can rot in hell and suffer the karma coming their way.

Anonymous wrote:Good luck, PP. I am similar to you but have a demanding career. No one knew that this happened and all I could do was keep working. I actually switched jobs A few months after I found out. In some ways, my job was so hard - all the meetings and stress and people leaning on me for their work woes. But in other ways, it gave me hours in the day that I had no time to feel the raw pain of what dh had done to me. I wish you luck in your job search!

I wish I had a career, a job! I think I would be flying from happiness that he's gone, if I had a career and stability of my own. He persuaded me to leave my legal job 10 years ago, promising bright future and happy retirement. And then he began an affair.

Good luck, PP. I am similar to you but have a demanding career. No one knew that this happened and all I could do was keep working. I actually switched jobs A few months after I found out. In some ways, my job was so hard - all the meetings and stress and people leaning on me for their work woes. But in other ways, it gave me hours in the day that I had no time to feel the raw pain of what dh had done to me. I wish you luck in your job search!

I had a terrible shock after discovery of a 5-year hidden affair. Couldn't function at all and was an emotional mess for the first 6 months. I still can't talk to him, and we live separated in the same house only emailing or texting on what relates to our son.
But I was able to dig myself out by 1) excluding all recreational alcohol - I noticed that red wine makes me terribly sad, if I am already sad and I couldn't sleep after drinking when I was so depressed 2) looking for a job and attending online classes. It's very difficult to concentrate, but the more effort I made, the better it was getting. I've had many unsuccessful interviews, especially in the beginning, but even those made me feel more in-demand, professional, talking with smart people. It was helping me to re-focus on something new.

Almost a year as I found out, and we are not divorced. I just calmly hate my exH, I consider him an abusive mental and physical rapist (because the affairs are a form of rape). But I can fully function and work on my future.