"Is he good to me?"

He was a good person. He was good to other people.

When I took those interactions that were the two of us, the way he treated me was OK -- but it was not rising to the level of "good." He would tell me how well he treated me, but I should have listed to myself instead of letting him define the narrative.

Anonymous wrote:You can prepare yourself all you want and still fail. I checked all the right boxes and still married a sociopath! That being said, rather than just focusing on the qualities in a SO, I would encourage all young women to be financially independent, secure and confident in themselves, and enter a marriage knowing that they need to remain financially independent. This way, if the marriage ends, and you're stuck with a manipulating SOB, you can at least get yourself out on the right foot rather than suffer for the next decade financially and emotionally because you married a loser but at the time saw that he was a decent guy.

If you have kids, WAIT to have them till you really know the person. But assuming you did, and then the person changed, be prepared that if you are the one to stay at home, you are setting your career back, so if/when you divorce, you will be picking up several pieces. I cannot stress enough that while you should never enter a relationship expecting its doom, *always* prepare yourself for worst case scenario. I didn't. I trusted my husband. He checked all the right boxes, and then he turned into someone else, ruined me financially and emotionally, and I was left picking up the pieces. I made it, but if I had been prepared, it wouldn't have been so hard. You might think this will never be you. So did I.

This.

The best advice my parents gave us was to always have our own form of income because you never know what will happen in life or what anyone can become.

They had an extremely happy, loving 52 year marriage until my dad passed away.

My husband checked all the boxes and then some. He fooled all of us. My parents loved him like a son. Friends thought he was the greatest. People were jealous of our marriage and the way he treated me. He was a great father and very successful.

About 15 years into marriage he started changing, anger at little things, moody. His personality disorder (which his dad - alcoholic, serial cheater narcissist) slowly started emerging. He started a full in double life so eerily seamlessly and convincing for the past four years. Nobody would have guessed—with a woman he met in the Internet that is just as shady in her marriage.

I never would have predicted this in my wildest dreams. My dad is now deceased and he was the smartest, most insightful could see through everyone would be horrified he did this to me and his grandkids. I still haven’t told my mom. It will kill her. She always speaks so highly of him and all he’s done for our family, not just immediate.

I am so thankful I listened to my mom and dad and I’m 25 years into a well-paying career with great health benefits and a good retirement. I can’t imagine having this happen if I gave up working 15 years ago when I had my firstborn.

It’s a risk. You can check all the boxes, have everyone you respect and adore tell you he’s the greatest and years later be left in awe that the owes in yuh trusted and believed in most had zero character, morals or integrity.

Worry less about the man and more about how you will support yourself the rest of your life. Only when you have a career that will let you achieve what you want out if life should you even consider marriage...and do NOT give up all employment for your spouse. Ever. Yuh can find flexible jobs, go part-time when kids are young but MEVER take your foot out if the working world.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Advice to my son, don't get married. Signed woman who is mostly happily married to his dad who is a great one.

Why would this be your advice?

Partly projection since I never wanted to get married. Mostly because teen DS is a unicorn - befriends every color of the rainbow, kind, generous, empathetic and truly sees the best in everyone, but all of this to a fault. He is smart and has an amazing ability to disseminate both sides of politics, social issues and life in general. Let's things roll off his back. He has been and will continue to be taken advantage of.

I have high standards for him, but know that he may not set the bar so high for himself in relationships.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t marry someone from a very different culture or religion. Those are really big barriers to overcome.

+1

Don’t marry a Muslim if you’re Christian and vice versa. Cultural differences are impossible to overcome.

I would say the extent to which they practice their religion matters more than which religion it is. As a Catholic who hasn't gone to mass since my First Communion, I'd rather marry a "cultural" Muslim or Jew than a crazy Catholic or an evangelical.

Look at his parent's marriage. That is what you can expect.

Anonymous wrote:Don’t marry someone from a very different culture or religion. Those are really big barriers to overcome.

+1

Don’t marry a Muslim if you’re Christian and vice versa. Cultural differences are impossible to overcome.

Anonymous wrote:My suggestions:
• First & foremost - Do. Not. Ignore. Potential red flags 🚩🚩🚩during the beginning/dating period.
These include:
➡️ A mate who has a bad temper. Someone who blames their problems on other people. One who never takes accountability for ANYthing.
➡️ Someone who has spent time in prison and/or has a long rap sheet.
(A speeding ticket? Acceptable. Seven years served for Grand Auto theft?? Run 🏃🏻‍♀️.)
➡️ A person who is mean to animals. No no NO!
➡️ Someone who has minor children from a previous relationship that is not paying child support or involved in that child’s life in some way, shape or form.
➡️ Someone who talks negatively about an ex.
➡️ An individual who hangs around shady people.
➡️ Anyone who supports our current President.

+1

Understand that getting married is not a reflection of your worth or an accomplishment. I saw way too many of my friends rush into marriage for those reasons.

Anything that slightly annoys you pre-marriage will grate on you long term, so be at least accepting of those things.

His relationship with his family will likely not change.

Marriage, over time, is hard work- but it shouldn’t be too hard.

Make sure the guy supports your ambitions and career aspirations. If a guy mentions about women should be SAHMs and no worries, he’ll provide for the family- RUN.

What a sexist thread...

You can prepare yourself all you want and still fail. I checked all the right boxes and still married a sociopath! That being said, rather than just focusing on the qualities in a SO, I would encourage all young women to be financially independent, secure and confident in themselves, and enter a marriage knowing that they need to remain financially independent. This way, if the marriage ends, and you're stuck with a manipulating SOB, you can at least get yourself out on the right foot rather than suffer for the next decade financially and emotionally because you married a loser but at the time saw that he was a decent guy.

If you have kids, WAIT to have them till you really know the person. But assuming you did, and then the person changed, be prepared that if you are the one to stay at home, you are setting your career back, so if/when you divorce, you will be picking up several pieces. I cannot stress enough that while you should never enter a relationship expecting its doom, *always* prepare yourself for worst case scenario. I didn't. I trusted my husband. He checked all the right boxes, and then he turned into someone else, ruined me financially and emotionally, and I was left picking up the pieces. I made it, but if I had been prepared, it wouldn't have been so hard. You might think this will never be you. So did I.

My suggestions:
• First & foremost - Do. Not. Ignore. Potential red flags 🚩🚩🚩during the beginning/dating period.
These include:
➡️ A mate who has a bad temper. Someone who blames their problems on other people. One who never takes accountability for ANYthing.
➡️ Someone who has spent time in prison and/or has a long rap sheet.
(A speeding ticket? Acceptable. Seven years served for Grand Auto theft?? Run 🏃🏻‍♀️.)
➡️ A person who is mean to animals. No no NO!
➡️ Someone who has minor children from a previous relationship that is not paying child support or involved in that child’s life in some way, shape or form.
➡️ Someone who talks negatively about an ex.
➡️ An individual who hangs around shady people.
➡️ Anyone who supports our current President.

Be your actual self while dating to attract someone who is into the real you and to avoid causing toxic bait-and-switch bitterness. Make sure you enjoy dating the person. If that phase of the relationship is not natural, easy, and fun the rest will not improve. Any man who disparaged me, cheated on me, or ever stood me up would be out of the running, no questions asked.

I really needed this list. I’m 27 and was dating someone who was 28. His dad and mom cheated on each other many times. Ended separated when he was 16. Mom cheated at the family home. Dad came home and found them in bed and physically assaulted moms boyfriend. He has substance abuse and isn’t employed. Was extremely childish and immature. Very petty and snide. Extremely jealous. He also has type 1 Diabetes And was constantly moody and irritable. Was always tired and weak which Im sure related to his unemployment and lack of direction in a career or employment

Don’t marry someone from a very different culture or religion. Those are really big barriers to overcome.