Anonymous
02/29/2020 16:51
Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years. He's been very, very slow to progress the relationship along. (A few examples: I had to ask repeatedly to meet his friends and family after about a year of dating before it happened. I had to request we start spending more time together instead of periodic weekend dates. I've had to sit down and ask repeatedly where we're going. I've had to really steer the relationship.) He's anxious and cautious and doesn't really have any joie de vivre, so it's not that he isn't happy to be with me; he's just content with a different level.
In any case, he's been saying for a while that he wants to spend his life with me, which is great because I'd like to spend mine with him. I asked about 4 months ago if we should start talking about moving in together since that's the next logical step. He hesitated (as I expected he would), and he said he doesn't feel like he's ready for that. He said he still feels we have some things to work out.
Things have been going well, and I slipped a little picture and note in his laptop bag a few days ago. It was just saying "I love you. I miss you very much when I'm without you, and I get so much joy from being with you." I included a line that said I'd like to revisit the idea of potentially moving in together this summer. He completely ignored it. I told him I hoped he liked his little note, and he said he did, but never said a word about anything else. Today, I told him I couldn't wait to curl up with him every night. He said, "We'll have that." I felt a little frustrated and told him I felt like a child that was being "promised" a pony by her parents. He didn't say anything.
What do I do at this point? He always tells me he wants to spend his life with me. Do I sit down and force him to tell me when we're going to make that happen? I know him, and I know that won't go well. It never has in the past when I've pressed something. I just feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
GTFO of this stunted relationship.
He has issues, wake up. If he is not proactive or taking initiative on anything now, gtfo. This only gets worse if married and tens times worse if have kids w him.
Sorry, but this is like mental and emotion disabled. Like on the spectrum bad.
Dead serious. He needs a psychologist and diagnosis.
This is not a case of Oh, do we want the same things and when.
This is a case of Oh, I don’t know what to do ever because my brain is different. I’ll pretend for as long as I can.
Anonymous
02/29/2020 15:55
Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
OP, how did it go? We are all rooting for you!
Anonymous
02/29/2020 11:37
Subject: Re:Will this wreck my relationship?
My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years. He's been very, very slow to progress the relationship along. (A few examples: I had to ask repeatedly to meet his friends and family after about a year of dating before it happened. I had to request we start spending more time together instead of periodic weekend dates. I've had to sit down and ask repeatedly where we're going. I've had to really steer the relationship.) He's anxious and cautious and doesn't really have any joie de vivre, so it's not that he isn't happy to be with me; he's just content with a different level.
In any case, he's been saying for a while that he wants to spend his life with me, which is great because I'd like to spend mine with him. I asked[b] about 4 months ago if we should start talking about moving in together since that's the next logical step. He hesitated (as I expected he would), and he said he doesn't feel like he's ready for that. He said he still feels we have some things to work out.
Things have been going well, and I slipped a little picture and note in his laptop bag a few days ago. It was just saying "I love you. I miss you very much when I'm without you, and I get so much joy from being with you." I included a line that said I'd like to revisit the idea of potentially moving in together this summer. He completely ignored it. I told him I hoped he liked his little note, and he said he did, but never said a word about anything else. Today, I told him I couldn't wait to curl up with him every night. He said, "We'll have that." I felt a little frustrated and told him I felt like a child that was being "promised" a pony by her parents. He didn't say anything.
What do I do at this point? He always tells me he wants to spend his life with me. Do I sit down and force him to tell me when we're going to make that happen? I know him, and I know that won't go well. It never has in the past when I've pressed something. I just feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
OP here: We were having a conversation via text this afternoon, and I told him I loved him and was really excited about our future together while wrapping up the conversation. He immediately said he was excited too, and that I was his best life. I quickly followed up with, "Do you think we'll take serious steps this year to get that future?" He didn't respond for an hour. We were bantering back and forth, and then this message silenced him for a solid hour. Maybe he went to the store, maybe he needed to respond to an email. I don't know.
He finally said, "I think we will. We can talk about this more later tonight if you want."
Honestly OP, do you want 20-30 years of this? DO you want to be doing this when there's financial issues, kids, aging parents, a possible move etc? Do have to sit tight, be anxious that every time you bring up a reasonable discussion about serious things he is annoyed and silent? and makes you think YOU are "wrecking' things?
I think you keep thinking that he's the tortoise and you're the hare and one day he's going to catch up with you and that's just "how he is" but somehow underneath it all, there's an equivalency between you two. But there's not and I don't think he will catch up. You are fundamentally different, or are fundamentally different in your feelings OR capacity for intimacy within the context of your relationship.
Agree with others that you should have asked him last night what he wanted and then listened. In every example above, you are the one asking the questions, setting the agenda and he's halfway responding. Its time for him to lay it out. If I can't, or won't, you will have had your answer.
And, as so many others have chimed in, you are not the first or lasts woman in the position. So many of us have been in this position and regretted wasting as much time as we did
Anonymous
02/29/2020 08:02
Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Op what happened?
Anonymous
02/28/2020 23:19
Subject: Re:Will this wreck my relationship?
OP, some posters are saying to dump this guy already, but I don't necessarily think that's the answer. Half of the answer will depend on your expectations and what you need/want, and the other half will depend on whether he is able to meet you where you want to be.
I posted before that I'm married to someone very like your guy, except more extreme, and I said your guy would be the same for the rest of your future if you choose to stay with him. My guy took 5 years to come around to marriage, then another 3 years to come around to starting a family. I was 35 by then. I'm dissatisfied with our marriage, but it isn't the worst, and I'm glad I'm not dealing with infidelity, addiction, or financial worries. But I'm also very self-sufficient and independent, and have very low expectations in terms of getting my needs met by others because of the way I was raised and growing up with parents with a bad marriage. And that is probably the only reason we are still together. I have always been the one in the relationship to lead most things - taking the next step, house hunting, financial planning, social planning, family and friend relations, and everything related to our children. He's still a good dad who tries to spend time with them, but he is uninvolved with any of the details and planning around them.
So you can take that bit as a foreshadowing of your future if you stay with him.
I posted before that I'm married to someone very like your guy, except more extreme, and I said your guy would be the same for the rest of your future if you choose to stay with him. My guy took 5 years to come around to marriage, then another 3 years to come around to starting a family. I was 35 by then. I'm dissatisfied with our marriage, but it isn't the worst, and I'm glad I'm not dealing with infidelity, addiction, or financial worries. But I'm also very self-sufficient and independent, and have very low expectations in terms of getting my needs met by others because of the way I was raised and growing up with parents with a bad marriage. And that is probably the only reason we are still together. I have always been the one in the relationship to lead most things - taking the next step, house hunting, financial planning, social planning, family and friend relations, and everything related to our children. He's still a good dad who tries to spend time with them, but he is uninvolved with any of the details and planning around them.
So you can take that bit as a foreshadowing of your future if you stay with him.
Anonymous
02/28/2020 23:19
Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Does he have any friends, interests or hobbies?
Has he introduced you to them?
Is he dogmatic about any of them?
Has he introduced you to them?
Is he dogmatic about any of them?
Anonymous
02/28/2020 23:16
Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
I have a question OP. Is he always this bad with communication, connecting, and social cues? Maybe you don’t realize how you are driving the entire relationship and social outings. Think about it. Is there anything he has planned and done, unprompted, for the relationship and it’s gone well? Ie a vacation, holiday present, some dates, his own job track, helping his own family via talking or doing something.
Either way if he can’t get social cues or just deliberately doesn’t want to follow them, run away.
A therapist might be a good sounding board to see the reality of this situation and help you decide to stay or go. Although I strongly think you should go, you’ve seen enough of his issues.
Either way if he can’t get social cues or just deliberately doesn’t want to follow them, run away.
A therapist might be a good sounding board to see the reality of this situation and help you decide to stay or go. Although I strongly think you should go, you’ve seen enough of his issues.
Anonymous
02/28/2020 22:53
Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
I know you truly love this person - but you are getting the short(er) end of the stick here.
After two years, at your ages it is only natural that your relationship were to evolve into something more meaningful.
Plus your biological clock may be ticking a bit louder than you may like.
If he isn’t ready to take the next step because he feels that “things need to be worked out,” then that means he is not ready to invest as much as you do in the relationship.
Ask yourself honestly ->> How long can you live like this?
It is obviously bothering you if you are bringing it up here.
Love is not enough.
Relationships take mutual trust, desires + needs.
This relationship seems one-sided at best.
You are taking a huge risk staying w/this guy.
Because the longer you spend w/him.....you waste your prime years w/someone else who can give you more than what you want...and if you want to be a parent someday, there is THAT to think about as well.
I wish you only the best!
After two years, at your ages it is only natural that your relationship were to evolve into something more meaningful.
Plus your biological clock may be ticking a bit louder than you may like.
If he isn’t ready to take the next step because he feels that “things need to be worked out,” then that means he is not ready to invest as much as you do in the relationship.
Ask yourself honestly ->> How long can you live like this?
It is obviously bothering you if you are bringing it up here.
Love is not enough.
Relationships take mutual trust, desires + needs.
This relationship seems one-sided at best.
You are taking a huge risk staying w/this guy.
Because the longer you spend w/him.....you waste your prime years w/someone else who can give you more than what you want...and if you want to be a parent someday, there is THAT to think about as well.
I wish you only the best!
Anonymous
02/28/2020 22:45
Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Is he married and doesn’t bring you around friends for that reason perhaps.
Anonymous
02/28/2020 22:40
Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Oh my god!! Do not move in with this guy without being engaged! That is NOT a good idea. You need to be able to break up with him easily if he doesn’t propose. How old are you both?
Early 30s
Nope. I wouldn’t waste much more time with this guy. I would start dating other people if he doesn’t propose soon. Do not move in without a ring.
What do I do though? Would you all sit him down and start a conversation about it or just wait?
You put a note in your calendar and if things haven’t progressed you move on, no do not sit him down and talk, he knows what you want.
Anonymous
02/28/2020 22:38
Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Don’t be the woman to “tell him what he should do.” This guy sounds like talking to a rock.
Anonymous
02/28/2020 22:37
Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
I would argue he doesn’t know what he wants. Which is worse. Never did, never will. You don’t want that for every single major and minor decision life throws at you. No way.
Good riddance!
Good riddance!
Anonymous
02/28/2020 22:13
Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
OP, re-read your posts. You feel stuck and trapped. That's not a healthy relationship. You two don't want the same things.
It would be great if people like your boyfriend were up front about what they actually wanted. But they're not. That would wreck things for them. You would never continue a relationship with someone like this. He's not you--stop assuming that because he claims he wants x, it's true. If he really, really wanted the same things you want, he'd pursue them.
It would be great if people like your boyfriend were up front about what they actually wanted. But they're not. That would wreck things for them. You would never continue a relationship with someone like this. He's not you--stop assuming that because he claims he wants x, it's true. If he really, really wanted the same things you want, he'd pursue them.
Anonymous
02/28/2020 20:43
Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Yes OP, I hope your wreck your one-sided relationship.
This guy is just dorking around, and he will,his whole life. He simply doesn’t know better.
This guy is just dorking around, and he will,his whole life. He simply doesn’t know better.
Anonymous
02/28/2020 20:29
Subject: Will this wreck my relationship?
Anonymous wrote:Men don’t dump women they like but don’t love; they drag their feet. Men don’t drag their feet with women they truly love; they pursue and go all in. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you live him.
And some men don’t really love, they are incapable. Not because they’re aholes, but they are actually incapable. It’s often a mind blindness of lack of empathy and ability to attach to anything.