given what I heard from therapists, I wouldn’t want to go to a therapist either. How do you not make a judgment on cheating from a spouse. What would be the point if the spouse who cheated isn’t told the truth.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a therapist.

I know of zero couples therapists who will work with a couple where one partner is actively physically or sexually abusing the other. Emotional abuse is treated differently because while it is a terrible way to treat another person and very damaging in many ways, as a PP said, there are fewer actual safety risks and it is not actually a crime. Most of the people I know who work with couples see a lot of infidelity. Couples therapy demands that both partners be committed to the process of reconciling/improving the relationship/however it is defined. If one person is still actively cheating, they are demonstrably not committed in that way and it is difficult to counsel _the couple_ on how to move forward. The one time this has happened in my practice, I terminated the relationship with both partners, explaining very clearly that active infidelity, to me, is as counter to the couples therapy process as active physical abuse. I then referred them both for individual therapy with people I knew who had openings and let them know that had openings and also let them know that if partner 1 ended the affair and wanted to recommit to therapy with partner 2, I would be happy to see them again. They came back about 6 months later but ended up divorcing anyway.

So the question to you is what would you do where one spouse isn’t actually apologizing or feeling regretful of cheating? Would you do what OP’s therapist did?

I am also a therapist but not the one who answered originally. I concur with her/his statement.

I would not give an opinion on whether cheating is wrong, we truly are not there to pass judgement. Also it would alienate the other party, you can't feel alienated and be open to therapy. But I would be direct and tell the couple that the chances counseling will be successful is pretty much zero if the cheater isn't remorseful and willing to do anything and everything to save the marriage. The first move has to come from the person who strayed. I would be reluctantant to work with them for this reason.

I’m the original therapist.

I think for me, the most important thing about OP’s post is that this occurred in the first session. So yes, I would feel like I was not in a position to pass judgment. I only just met you guys! I need to get to know the couple a little better (I’d say it takes me more like 2-3 sessions to have a good grip on the dynamic but it depends on the couple). However, it should be that during the initial sessions, the therapist is building rapport with both partners. That didn’t happen effectively at OP’s therapy session. I’d like to think that I don’t step in it the way it sounds like happened for OP, but it’s also hard because if OP is wanting the therapist to join with her in indignation and betrayal, that’s just not the therapist’s role.

This is why people find therapy as a major waste of time for infidelity. If someone is cheating then they need to stop. The person in the fog needs to come to terms about where they are and what they are about to lose. That would be so refreshing. That's what people expect and you are giving them the run around. Just give the people what they want. Just ask them.

I remember being told that I couldn't insult the OM because that hurts my wife and I just need to deal with my ego issues in individual therapy.

So, be forewarned, if your spouse is cheating on you, don't go to therapy! It will not likely help. Just get yourself a lawyer and a postnup.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a therapist.

I know of zero couples therapists who will work with a couple where one partner is actively physically or sexually abusing the other. Emotional abuse is treated differently because while it is a terrible way to treat another person and very damaging in many ways, as a PP said, there are fewer actual safety risks and it is not actually a crime. Most of the people I know who work with couples see a lot of infidelity. Couples therapy demands that both partners be committed to the process of reconciling/improving the relationship/however it is defined. If one person is still actively cheating, they are demonstrably not committed in that way and it is difficult to counsel _the couple_ on how to move forward. The one time this has happened in my practice, I terminated the relationship with both partners, explaining very clearly that active infidelity, to me, is as counter to the couples therapy process as active physical abuse. I then referred them both for individual therapy with people I knew who had openings and let them know that had openings and also let them know that if partner 1 ended the affair and wanted to recommit to therapy with partner 2, I would be happy to see them again. They came back about 6 months later but ended up divorcing anyway.

So the question to you is what would you do where one spouse isn’t actually apologizing or feeling regretful of cheating? Would you do what OP’s therapist did?

I am also a therapist but not the one who answered originally. I concur with her/his statement.

I would not give an opinion on whether cheating is wrong, we truly are not there to pass judgement. Also it would alienate the other party, you can't feel alienated and be open to therapy. But I would be direct and tell the couple that the chances counseling will be successful is pretty much zero if the cheater isn't remorseful and willing to do anything and everything to save the marriage. The first move has to come from the person who strayed. I would be reluctantant to work with them for this reason.

I’m the original therapist.

I think for me, the most important thing about OP’s post is that this occurred in the first session. So yes, I would feel like I was not in a position to pass judgment. I only just met you guys! I need to get to know the couple a little better (I’d say it takes me more like 2-3 sessions to have a good grip on the dynamic but it depends on the couple). However, it should be that during the initial sessions, the therapist is building rapport with both partners. That didn’t happen effectively at OP’s therapy session. I’d like to think that I don’t step in it the way it sounds like happened for OP, but it’s also hard because if OP is wanting the therapist to join with her in indignation and betrayal, that’s just not the therapist’s role.

From chumplady

https://www.chumplady.com/2019/12/my-therapist-wants-to-know-how-i-caused-my-husband-to-cheat/

Anonymous wrote:Another gray website is Chump Lady. Seriously start reading it and it will give you perspective on this issue to help you move forward.

This one is good too. OP, I think people on those 2 websites will give you some good information and perspectives. I hope that things work out for the best for you!

Anonymous wrote:www.survivinginfidelity.com

Be careful though, that place is fully of whiny stereotypes of people. Mostly I find them annoying.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTW, depending on how you saw the texts, they are probably not admissible in court and you could be at risk for criminal wiretapping charges.

NP here - gimme a break and STFU

Seriously. Or cite one single case in the last couple years where a spouse has been prosecuted for snooping.

Another gray website is Chump Lady. Seriously start reading it and it will give you perspective on this issue to help you move forward.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't do therapy until all parties stipulate that the affair was wrong.

Am I nuts?

Nope. Find a new therapist.

+100. Seriously dump this therapist. This person isn’t the right one. He isn’t listening to you at all and so not a good therapist. Why accept a subpar solution?

Nope. It sounds like what you want is a mommy or daddy therapist to swoop in and tell your partner what a bad boy he is. That is not going to happen. You two are the adults in the relationship. Your job is to communicate with each other about how you feel and what you need, and to consider for yourself what your options are. The therapist's job is to help you do that better, not to take sides. You can try as many therapists as you want but none of them are going to adult for you.

Listen, I’m not the OP but if your therapist can’t support you, there’s no trust and no point in sticking with him or her. There are ways to be supported and still allow for discussion to occur. Her being validated doesn’t mean that the therapist calls the husband a bad boy. It’s a false equivalency.

The literal title of this thread is "Therapist won't condemn my partner's affair." You are the one equating support with condemnation. Nothing false about it.

Anonymous wrote:www.survivinginfidelity.com

Get individual counseling first. Go see a lawyer and learn your options.
Your partner is probably working on their own exit option.

OP, lack of remorse means his or her exit option may be well under way.

Do you work? Do you have kids? Do you have family in the area?

I understand how strong the feelings are, but this is a time to compartmentalize a bit. There are real survival issues at stake and none of it is fair.

That is the website I was thinking of.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very sorry, OP. What your husband did was wrong. It's black and white.

I intend this advice as kindly as possible: Stop putting your time and effort into therapy, and use those resources to march toward divorce. Get your papers in order, talk to a lawyer, figure out what you want and need in the settlement process. Start taking control. And be sure to take care of yourself -- sleeping, eating, exercising, seeing supportive friends, get individual therapy.

Your spouse is not regretful about an affair. You deserve better. It's time to focus on the next stage of your life, and I wish you well.

She probably does not want an divorce.

Unfortunately, a marriage takes 2 and a divorce only takes 1.

Many have been in her shoes and did not have it turn out the way we wanted for us or our kids.

Couples counseling with an unrepentant cheater is often the last stop before you get served (hopefully it will not be on the school playground at morning drop off, that sucked.)

www.survivinginfidelity.com

Get individual counseling first. Go see a lawyer and learn your options.
Your partner is probably working on their own exit option.

Anonymous wrote:OP please get your own therapist. You need to talk through your anger over your spouse not acknowledging that the affair was wrong. Your couples' therapist can't take sides and you need someone working with you to deal with your own feelings. You need the space to rage and feel heard. You can't do this in couples' therapy without alienating your partner (who, by the way, doesn't seem to feel remorse anyway).

Also, see a lawyer. Your spouse may be playing along with therapy to appease you while quietly planning an exit strategy. Don't be played for a fool twice.

This. So much this.

And the judge will not condemn or punish the affair either.

OP, you need to focus on what you can control, and that is NOT your spouse or the couples therapist.

Your feelings are so understandable and anyone who has been in your position knows how shitty it feels.

But now you need to get your ducks in a row in case this is a diversion to say "oh I tried" blah, blah. If your spouse is not even pretending to be remorseful, you need a lawyer and your own support system.

Some therapists will join the cheating or abusive spouse in gas lighting, if that is the issue, change therapists. But still, get your own and get a lawyer. If you do not work, focus on steps back to that. A friend who is a counselor warned me when going to couples counseling when I was in your shoes. There is a natural tendency to want there to be change, that means they are doing a good job. The partner who cheated and who may already have exit plans underway is not going to fill the changed role. So the focus of both can become you. My friend has been a therapist for a long time and said the dynamic does happen.

There are some good websites for wives who are being cheated on, I am blanking on the names but perhaps someone will chime in. If things do proceed to divorce, I found a meet up group that was super helpful in providing emotional support, practical advice and just companionship at an extremely difficult time. An affair can rock not just your marriage but your social group, which was an additional blow. Find a tribe, online or in person that can support you.

Someone once told me that you have power in any situation. You might not like your choices but it is still there. If you hand over your power by not focusing on what you CAN control, that is your choice and no one is responsible for that but you. This can be a time of huge personal growth through adversity, no matter how your relationship turns out. When in hell, keep going may be a useful motto. You cannot control what happens but you can control YOUR response to it. I wish you all the best, OP.

Anonymous wrote:I'm very sorry, OP. What your husband did was wrong. It's black and white.

I intend this advice as kindly as possible: Stop putting your time and effort into therapy, and use those resources to march toward divorce. Get your papers in order, talk to a lawyer, figure out what you want and need in the settlement process. Start taking control. And be sure to take care of yourself -- sleeping, eating, exercising, seeing supportive friends, get individual therapy.

Your spouse is not regretful about an affair. You deserve better. It's time to focus on the next stage of your life, and I wish you well.

She probably does not want an divorce.

I'm very sorry, OP. What your husband did was wrong. It's black and white.

I intend this advice as kindly as possible: Stop putting your time and effort into therapy, and use those resources to march toward divorce. Get your papers in order, talk to a lawyer, figure out what you want and need in the settlement process. Start taking control. And be sure to take care of yourself -- sleeping, eating, exercising, seeing supportive friends, get individual therapy.

Your spouse is not regretful about an affair. You deserve better. It's time to focus on the next stage of your life, and I wish you well.