Anonymous
Post 01/12/2020 16:24     Subject: Re:If I do, how horrible a human am I?
I as a woman have never seen it that way because people are all different (including men by the way) and so what is not acceptable to one person may be acceptable to another. Therefore, explicit discussion is always the best way forward, especially since marriage is about trust.

It comes down to believing whether all men have the exact same wants and needs, and so would react exactly the same to a situation. I believe men are different even regarding sex wants/needs.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2020 16:01     Subject: If I do, how horrible a human am I?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here - I have been here, reading and absorbing all of your thoughts. Thank you. To those that asked is there something "else" we can do - Yes, to a very limited degree and we tried that early on... And, to those men who suggested it would be frustrating for him, thank you for the perspective. He declared a few years back that he could do with out it. Perhaps frustration is the reason. And, frankly, trying to make it work was awkward for me too and it has just been easier to let it go. And, of course, I don't want to hurt him in any way. I love him. Hence the lack of conversation around it and my posting here.

Then it sounds like he's indirectly stating that you can have a free pass. But, I think you will be putting yourself in a position in falling in love with someone else, though, not that you won't love your DH, but that it will almost be a friendship kind of love at some point.


I didn't hear that he gave her a free pass. He said he could do without it but the discussion for next steps has to be explicit if you're in a marriage.


I am not the open marriage guy, but if your spouse declares they are done with sex then it has to be at least tacit understanding that your spouse will get their sexual needs outside of marriage.

Seriously, who sees sex as optional in a marriage?
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2020 20:58     Subject: Re:If I do, how horrible a human am I?
^ ^
meant sew-sidge, not side.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2020 18:11     Subject: Re:If I do, how horrible a human am I?
Anonymous wrote:^ still don't know what you're talking about. In a marriage, s he has to talk to her husband. There are myriad of solutions. Talk with a sex specialist and they can offer solutions we might not think about.


Sew-side, hoag, rootalosis?. Honestly, I give up.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2020 17:50     Subject: Re:If I do, how horrible a human am I?
^ still don't know what you're talking about. In a marriage, s he has to talk to her husband. There are myriad of solutions. Talk with a sex specialist and they can offer solutions we might not think about.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2020 17:46     Subject: Re:If I do, how horrible a human am I?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Because if you are married, this is something you both have to agree to since it’s a matter trust. Trust in a marriage is important and having an affair is not trust worthy unless the husband agrees. If the husband isn’t likely to agree, it’s even worse since you are doing it for yourself, not husband.

Go to a sex therapist and see what you can work out. Keep the trust in your marriage.


But how does this get OP the sew-sidge she seeks?


I have no idea what you are talking about.

I was speaking about finding a solution in marriage context. Trust has to be maintained and so affair isn't a real solution.


Fair points. I was just saying you seem to be ignoring considerations of sew-sidge.


I have no idea what you are talking about. I don't know what is sew-sidge. Just stop trolling me.


Sew-sidge. Hoag.

Also, I wasn't "trolling" you, merely trying to advance the discussion.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2020 17:37     Subject: Re:If I do, how horrible a human am I?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Because if you are married, this is something you both have to agree to since it’s a matter trust. Trust in a marriage is important and having an affair is not trust worthy unless the husband agrees. If the husband isn’t likely to agree, it’s even worse since you are doing it for yourself, not husband.

Go to a sex therapist and see what you can work out. Keep the trust in your marriage.


But how does this get OP the sew-sidge she seeks?


I have no idea what you are talking about.

I was speaking about finding a solution in marriage context. Trust has to be maintained and so affair isn't a real solution.


Fair points. I was just saying you seem to be ignoring considerations of sew-sidge.


I have no idea what you are talking about. I don't know what is sew-sidge. Just stop trolling me.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2020 17:06     Subject: Re:If I do, how horrible a human am I?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Because if you are married, this is something you both have to agree to since it’s a matter trust. Trust in a marriage is important and having an affair is not trust worthy unless the husband agrees. If the husband isn’t likely to agree, it’s even worse since you are doing it for yourself, not husband.

Go to a sex therapist and see what you can work out. Keep the trust in your marriage.


But how does this get OP the sew-sidge she seeks?


I have no idea what you are talking about.

I was speaking about finding a solution in marriage context. Trust has to be maintained and so affair isn't a real solution.


Fair points. I was just saying you seem to be ignoring considerations of sew-sidge.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2020 16:46     Subject: If I do, how horrible a human am I?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here - I have been here, reading and absorbing all of your thoughts. Thank you. To those that asked is there something "else" we can do - Yes, to a very limited degree and we tried that early on... And, to those men who suggested it would be frustrating for him, thank you for the perspective. He declared a few years back that he could do with out it. Perhaps frustration is the reason. And, frankly, trying to make it work was awkward for me too and it has just been easier to let it go. And, of course, I don't want to hurt him in any way. I love him. Hence the lack of conversation around it and my posting here.

Then it sounds like he's indirectly stating that you can have a free pass. But, I think you will be putting yourself in a position in falling in love with someone else, though, not that you won't love your DH, but that it will almost be a friendship kind of love at some point.


I didn't hear that he gave her a free pass. He said he could do without it but the discussion for next steps has to be explicit if you're in a marriage.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2020 16:30     Subject: If I do, how horrible a human am I?
Anonymous wrote:OP here - I have been here, reading and absorbing all of your thoughts. Thank you. To those that asked is there something "else" we can do - Yes, to a very limited degree and we tried that early on... And, to those men who suggested it would be frustrating for him, thank you for the perspective. He declared a few years back that he could do with out it. Perhaps frustration is the reason. And, frankly, trying to make it work was awkward for me too and it has just been easier to let it go. And, of course, I don't want to hurt him in any way. I love him. Hence the lack of conversation around it and my posting here.

Then it sounds like he's indirectly stating that you can have a free pass. But, I think you will be putting yourself in a position in falling in love with someone else, though, not that you won't love your DH, but that it will almost be a friendship kind of love at some point.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2020 16:26     Subject: Re:If I do, how horrible a human am I?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Because if you are married, this is something you both have to agree to since it’s a matter trust. Trust in a marriage is important and having an affair is not trust worthy unless the husband agrees. If the husband isn’t likely to agree, it’s even worse since you are doing it for yourself, not husband.

Go to a sex therapist and see what you can work out. Keep the trust in your marriage.


But how does this get OP the sew-sidge she seeks?


I have no idea what you are talking about.

I was speaking about finding a solution in marriage context. Trust has to be maintained and so affair isn't a real solution.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2020 16:17     Subject: If I do, how horrible a human am I?
Anonymous wrote:OP hasn’t been back. Is this a hypothetical situation ie a troll post? If not, then discuss with your DH. It only matters how your DH and you feel about the problem and potential solutions. Whether it’s ethically or morally wrong is irrelevant if you both agree on the solution.



OP here - I have been here, reading and absorbing all of your thoughts. Thank you. To those that asked is there something "else" we can do - Yes, to a very limited degree and we tried that early on... And, to those men who suggested it would be frustrating for him, thank you for the perspective. He declared a few years back that he could do with out it. Perhaps frustration is the reason. And, frankly, trying to make it work was awkward for me too and it has just been easier to let it go. And, of course, I don't want to hurt him in any way. I love him. Hence the lack of conversation around it and my posting here.


I think I'm the only man here that posted about how frustrating it must be for him to take care of your needs while he can't do anything about his own. Because I've been there with a spouse who tried and then explained to me how torturous that was to engage in sex while being denied by the ailment. So I have an understanding of it.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2020 16:14     Subject: If I do, how horrible a human am I?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Get a good vibrator

+1 your DH also has a mouth and hands. Unless he is paralyzed or is in constant pain, he should be able to do *something*. Your situation sucks, but "in sickness and in health" are in the vows, at least they were in my vows.

If you otherwise have a good marriage, I wouldn't risk it.


And then when it's over he is just left there with...what?

? A satisfied wife? However an O is achieved, if it is achieved, then it's something.

I think the situation is horrible, but unless he is paralyzed and unwilling to have sex in other ways, and if they have an otherwise good marriage, I think OP is risking it. I guess if she thinks PIV is waay more important than her marriage, then ok.

Sex is an important part of marriage, but so is love and commitment. If a spouse can't deal with non PIV sex due to health reasons, and the marriage is otherwise good, then IMO, that spouse is selfish, man or woman.

If they just feel like they are friends and roommates, then OP should be able to have an honest discussion with her DH about it.
You missed my point completely. I concede, he probably knows how to get her off without his D. And good for her if they work that out. What about him? Can you imagine how much worse you would feel after that? All these posters saying he should just give her oral, etc. really don't understand. He's lost his ability to engage in sex so he isn't going to do something that makes his situation even worse for him. There is nothing wrong with his head where he wouldn't get as sexually aroused as before, and now he can't do anything and she can't do anything for him. Does that sound like fun to you?

Can you imagine how much worse he would feel knowing she was banging another man? Does that sound like fun to you?


Yes, both situations are horrible for him and one is permanent. Hence my advice that OP takes every possible precaution to make sure he never finds out.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2020 14:37     Subject: Re:If I do, how horrible a human am I?
Anonymous wrote:Because if you are married, this is something you both have to agree to since it’s a matter trust. Trust in a marriage is important and having an affair is not trust worthy unless the husband agrees. If the husband isn’t likely to agree, it’s even worse since you are doing it for yourself, not husband.

Go to a sex therapist and see what you can work out. Keep the trust in your marriage.


But how does this get OP the sew-sidge she seeks?
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2020 10:32     Subject: If I do, how horrible a human am I?
Sex therapist who takes a sex-positive approach and specializes in disability is I think the first good practical suggestion I've seen here.
OP, this sounds hard as hell, and I truly wish you the best no matter what you both do.