PP , nowhere in your long, long post is any acknowledgment or appreciation of what your husband and kids are going through. They are just there to suck it up and make things better for you. Who is making things better for them? Your husband has to carry the financial burden 100% himself PLUS pay for the housekeeper but all you talk about is how it helps you, not what it does to him and to the long-term financial health of the family. You are talking to your husband about how you're feeling today, but have you shamed him into not ever talking about how HE is? Is the vibe in your home such that he is only allowed to talk about how to help you, not what this does to him? That's what you're doing. You're shaming OP into shutting up, as if he's not the real person, only his wife is.

OP I am your wife and you are my husband and it’s been 5 years of hell. I struggle daily and fail at being the person I was before crippling anxiety took hold. I see a dr and therapist and I have tried so many different medications and I have also been frustrated by how long it’s taking to get better. I’m embarrassed and ashamed of the person I’ve become. One who cannot be spontaneous and fun because I’m so scared of having an anxiety or panic attack when I’m out. I sleep a lot because my medication makes me soooooo heavily drowsy.
I plan my life around my illness. Making sure I’m not out when my meds are wearing off. Making sure there is a place to hide when I feel panicky, not driving long distances.
I want to be a fully functioning member of my family but I simply cannot do it. I’ve just changed doctors hoping this one will help me find the perfect cocktail of drugs that will make me normal again.
My husband also initially did not fully grasp how all encompassing a mental illness can be particularly since I look “normal” while I am a wreck inside. He’d tell me I’d abdicated my role as a parent and contributor to the house hold -i haven’t worked for 5 years. He’d ridicule and put me down much the same way as your opening post. This added depression to my anxiety because I didn’t want to be all the things he saw me as and it hurt so badly that rather than see that I was suffering he’d decided to blame me for the way I am.
If your wife had cancer and her treatment wasn’t working would you give up on her so readily? Mental illness is real and the sufferer is trapped in a sick mind in much the same way as the cancer sufferer is trapped in a sick body. Even your wife’s reluctance to seek help is part of her sickness. It took me 4 years to be willing to take medication because I was too scared and it’s been 5 years since treatment started and I am still not myself.
Please have compassion for your wife op
Over time we’ve implemented the following:
Instead of cursing me out for being a lazy cow we now have a full time cook and house keeper.
I take my kids to school which is hard because my anxiety is crippling but I tell myself that I’ll be home in 30 minutes so I go. The thought that someone is there if I can’t pick up from school or take to activities or face household tasks is huge.
By the time I get home my meds are starting to kick in so I study a little for what I hope to be my next career which I hope I can handle in the way I handle dropping and picking up kids from school-telling myself that in one hour I’ll be done and back home to safety.
Then I become too sleepy and sleep for up to 3 hours. Everyone accepts that is how it will be until I can hopefully change my meds and they respect and work around that.
When the kids are home I spend all evening helping with homework and projects. Again not having to stress about having a panic attack while picking up a child and taking them to activities or planning a meal is huge. I feel safe at home and really invest the time with my kids. I would be a wreck if I had to worry about having a panic attack in traffic or while talking to other parents at basket ball etc. or if I had to worry about what to cook. I have some good days when I go but there is no pressure.
I talk to my husband about how I’m feeling,when I’m not up to something and we find a way around it.
Things are still not great with my husband but he appears to be accepting that this is how things will be for now. The endless fighting and disdainful attitude has greatly reduced and we’ve reached some level of equilibrium.
I would advise you to lose the attitude and really talk to your wife about steps going forward. What her struggles are, how she thinks they could be overcome or reduced. Go with her to the dr (my husband did though he wasn’t happy about it) so you get some understanding of what she is dealing with and how the dr hopes to tackle it. Put things in place to help her much like you would put a chair lift if your wife could not use her legs or get a part time helper if she was otherwise incapacitated. Treat her illness like a real illness that she cannot control then you would not be so angry with her. Most of all, try to understand that she would love to be the person she once was if only she could. She is not choosing to be this way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP also understand activities like the gym or museums are too much at this stage. Your wife probably feels exhausted, that's depression, it isn't your wife. Everything will be exhausting and overwhelming so take pressure off, let her know that job hunting is not happening until she is better. Let her know not to worry about the house. Think baby steps to start with, getting to the doctor, new medication, walk outside for 15 mins. Then go from there.

Go with her to the doctor and ask to spend a few minutes with the doctor with your wife present to speak about your concerns.

Consider a therapist for yourself, take care of your own mental health.

I love how OP just told you that he's exhausted from carrying the full financial burden, taking care of the house and the children without any help from her. And your response is "tell her not to worry about any of this, continue carrying the full load, who cares that you're exhausted."

Then, he can step up and get a better job like many of our husbands so we can stay home for what ever reason. Its going to be a bigger burden if he has to maintain two homes, pay alimony and child support and only see his kids at best 1/2 the time. Or, spend a fortune fighting for full custody which he may or many not get and then he'd still probably have to pay child support and alimony and have the full burden of the kids.

She's probably depressed because of how he treats her. Many of those medications have strong side effects. I took an anti-depressant for something else and it made me depressed.

If she doesn't like the way he treats her, she can always leave.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP also understand activities like the gym or museums are too much at this stage. Your wife probably feels exhausted, that's depression, it isn't your wife. Everything will be exhausting and overwhelming so take pressure off, let her know that job hunting is not happening until she is better. Let her know not to worry about the house. Think baby steps to start with, getting to the doctor, new medication, walk outside for 15 mins. Then go from there.

Go with her to the doctor and ask to spend a few minutes with the doctor with your wife present to speak about your concerns.

Consider a therapist for yourself, take care of your own mental health.

I love how OP just told you that he's exhausted from carrying the full financial burden, taking care of the house and the children without any help from her. And your response is "tell her not to worry about any of this, continue carrying the full load, who cares that you're exhausted."

Then, he can step up and get a better job like many of our husbands so we can stay home for what ever reason. Its going to be a bigger burden if he has to maintain two homes, pay alimony and child support and only see his kids at best 1/2 the time. Or, spend a fortune fighting for full custody which he may or many not get and then he'd still probably have to pay child support and alimony and have the full burden of the kids.

She's probably depressed because of how he treats her. Many of those medications have strong side effects. I took an anti-depressant for something else and it made me depressed.

Why would he have to maintain two homes? No alimony is designed to do that. His wife worked before so no judge will award alimony in perpetuity.

He doesn't want to step up. No one owes you a life of staying at home, and no husband should be forced into it - especially when the wife is so damn unpleasant, and there is no hope of him coming home to a clean house, a hot meal and well-tended children.

I'm so sorry you, your wife, and children are going through this, OP. It sounds like you have been carrying this burden all by yourself for too long. You don't have control over your wife's illness or her willingness to try to get help, but you can seek out support: Contact your wife's doctor and share your observations and concerns with them. Is there anyone--a friend or family member--that could get through to your wife? Seek out counseling for yourself. Do you have friends or family you can confide in or a support group you could attend? Just knowing someone is in your corner and knowing you are not alone would help to lighten your load a fraction.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP also understand activities like the gym or museums are too much at this stage. Your wife probably feels exhausted, that's depression, it isn't your wife. Everything will be exhausting and overwhelming so take pressure off, let her know that job hunting is not happening until she is better. Let her know not to worry about the house. Think baby steps to start with, getting to the doctor, new medication, walk outside for 15 mins. Then go from there.

Go with her to the doctor and ask to spend a few minutes with the doctor with your wife present to speak about your concerns.

Consider a therapist for yourself, take care of your own mental health.

I love how OP just told you that he's exhausted from carrying the full financial burden, taking care of the house and the children without any help from her. And your response is "tell her not to worry about any of this, continue carrying the full load, who cares that you're exhausted."

Then, he can step up and get a better job like many of our husbands so we can stay home for what ever reason. Its going to be a bigger burden if he has to maintain two homes, pay alimony and child support and only see his kids at best 1/2 the time. Or, spend a fortune fighting for full custody which he may or many not get and then he'd still probably have to pay child support and alimony and have the full burden of the kids.

She's probably depressed because of how he treats her. Many of those medications have strong side effects. I took an anti-depressant for something else and it made me depressed.

He would be better off divorced, and his kids would too. At least they would have one safe house.

Maybe his parenting is not great either. He's complaining about money so how will he be able to afford divorce.

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like Post Partum

I was thinking the same thing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP also understand activities like the gym or museums are too much at this stage. Your wife probably feels exhausted, that's depression, it isn't your wife. Everything will be exhausting and overwhelming so take pressure off, let her know that job hunting is not happening until she is better. Let her know not to worry about the house. Think baby steps to start with, getting to the doctor, new medication, walk outside for 15 mins. Then go from there.

Go with her to the doctor and ask to spend a few minutes with the doctor with your wife present to speak about your concerns.

Consider a therapist for yourself, take care of your own mental health.

I love how OP just told you that he's exhausted from carrying the full financial burden, taking care of the house and the children without any help from her. And your response is "tell her not to worry about any of this, continue carrying the full load, who cares that you're exhausted."

Then, he can step up and get a better job like many of our husbands so we can stay home for what ever reason. Its going to be a bigger burden if he has to maintain two homes, pay alimony and child support and only see his kids at best 1/2 the time. Or, spend a fortune fighting for full custody which he may or many not get and then he'd still probably have to pay child support and alimony and have the full burden of the kids.

She's probably depressed because of how he treats her. Many of those medications have strong side effects. I took an anti-depressant for something else and it made me depressed.

He would be better off divorced, and his kids would too. At least they would have one safe house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP also understand activities like the gym or museums are too much at this stage. Your wife probably feels exhausted, that's depression, it isn't your wife. Everything will be exhausting and overwhelming so take pressure off, let her know that job hunting is not happening until she is better. Let her know not to worry about the house. Think baby steps to start with, getting to the doctor, new medication, walk outside for 15 mins. Then go from there.

Go with her to the doctor and ask to spend a few minutes with the doctor with your wife present to speak about your concerns.

Consider a therapist for yourself, take care of your own mental health.

I love how OP just told you that he's exhausted from carrying the full financial burden, taking care of the house and the children without any help from her. And your response is "tell her not to worry about any of this, continue carrying the full load, who cares that you're exhausted."

Then, he can step up and get a better job like many of our husbands so we can stay home for what ever reason. Its going to be a bigger burden if he has to maintain two homes, pay alimony and child support and only see his kids at best 1/2 the time. Or, spend a fortune fighting for full custody which he may or many not get and then he'd still probably have to pay child support and alimony and have the full burden of the kids.

She's probably depressed because of how he treats her. Many of those medications have strong side effects. I took an anti-depressant for something else and it made me depressed.

This sounds like Post Partum

OP, I feel you. I am a DW in a similar situation. For now, my DH is employed, but he has been fired from 3 jobs in the past 10 years. Weekends suck and I prefer to be out of the house instead of in here with him. He is treated for depression and ADD, but the meds don’t seem to be working. I try to encourage him to seek alternative treatments, but it hasn’t happened. He is overweight, unhappy about his weight, miserable, and does very little to contribute to house. In my case, though, he at least contributes a paycheck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP also understand activities like the gym or museums are too much at this stage. Your wife probably feels exhausted, that's depression, it isn't your wife. Everything will be exhausting and overwhelming so take pressure off, let her know that job hunting is not happening until she is better. Let her know not to worry about the house. Think baby steps to start with, getting to the doctor, new medication, walk outside for 15 mins. Then go from there.

Go with her to the doctor and ask to spend a few minutes with the doctor with your wife present to speak about your concerns.

Consider a therapist for yourself, take care of your own mental health.

I love how OP just told you that he's exhausted from carrying the full financial burden, taking care of the house and the children without any help from her. And your response is "tell her not to worry about any of this, continue carrying the full load, who cares that you're exhausted."

+1

It's ridiculous.

People have suggested getting a cleaner to help. Is there family or friends nearby who could help. I don't think that OP's partner is in any condition to apply for jobs and go for interviews. If she is staring into space she isn't going to get out of the house for interviews, she simply doesn't have the energy. If the depression is related to PPD then yes, I wouldn't want her having the burden of childcare because it's the kids who will suffer. They may need help and she is staring off into space or goes to the bedroom to sleep. She may not be capable of taking care of the kids properly at the moment. It is something to consider.

I'm not saying who cares that OP is exhausted, what I'm saying is find ways to treat the depression. Pushing for job interviews and the added stress and anxiety of that will not help someone in depression. That's why I think take the initial pressure off, try some small things and I'm not sure what works well so getting a therapist for the OP may be ideal to help OP navigate this. I've also said because I posted twice after hitting send too early that if OP finds things don't improve to give it the amount of time they think is appropriate and then consider separating because although some people get better others don't.

It's ok to divorce but I think people are trying to say in this case mental illness isn't something the OP's partner has chosen, it's a sickness and usually in marriage you try to help your sick spouse. I don't know how long this has been going on for. I don't know if OP has actually tried to do anything useful yet, I don't know if OP has gone to a therapist and gotten proper information on how to help and navigate this situation. If they haven't then yes I would think that is worth it for the family, if OP has done that and nothing works then no OP shouldn't drown as well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My depression was a big factor that led to divorce. I wish my ex had PUSHED me to treatment with the truth "I love you. You aren't the funny, happy person I married. I hate seeing you suffer and your suffering is making our whole family miserable. You need to get treatment or I'm not sure our marriage will survive."

I think this script is the best recommendation on the entire thread.

OP, this is good advice. Please don’t leave her without letting her know your thoughts.

You’ve tried to do the right thing and so consider this as the next right action. Give her a chance. It’s worth it for both your and your kids future.

This will only work if OP has determined what he's willing to do if she does not take steps to address her depression within a reasonable timeframe. Otherwise it's just more useless talk. He cannot control her, all he can do is control his reactions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My depression was a big factor that led to divorce. I wish my ex had PUSHED me to treatment with the truth "I love you. You aren't the funny, happy person I married. I hate seeing you suffer and your suffering is making our whole family miserable. You need to get treatment or I'm not sure our marriage will survive."

I think this script is the best recommendation on the entire thread.

OP, this is good advice. Please don’t leave her without letting her know your thoughts.

You’ve tried to do the right thing and so consider this as the next right action. Give her a chance. It’s worth it for both your and your kids future.

Anonymous wrote:If she refuses to get help, I'd work on the exit strategy.

+1

Take her to a shrink, and when she gets diagnosed as being nutz, get a copy of her medical records/diagnosis to use as evidence in court proceedings!