You’re not going to your DIL’s. You’re going to YOUR SON and DIL’s house. Don’t make it all about the DIL just b/c she’s the woman.

OMG my MIL did the "shadow wedding" too!! We got married in my ho.r state so she organized a luncheon in her hometown for us and invited everyone she knows (who we all have barely ever met). All of this would have been fine, maybe a little weird bit whatever it was a nice enough evemt. EXCEPT she had her Rabbi do a surprise Jewish wedding blessing!!! We chose not to have a Jewish wedding (I'm not Jewish and H doesnt really identity as Jewish religiously) and she told us she wanted her Rabbi to do a toast. WELP he called us up and then touched our heads and said some blessing! It felt like when mormans baptize graves or whatever. I was too shocked to say a word and to this day she thinks it was a lovely event that we enjoyed.

I don't hate my MIL, she's a little intense but she's a great grandma to my kids. But I definitely keep her at arm's length after that stunt.

Anonymous wrote:Pp, I forgot to add that at the wedding picnic, she ordered BBQ catering. I am a vegetarian. It was a meat fest. I think I ate some corn. She also sent out her own invites with us as cartoon people dressed as cowgirl/cowboy. Just remembering this now and how weird it was!

Ok so how many MIL's on this forum have organised a meat feast for their vegetarian best friend or sister or mother? I mean we love to say how nasty DIL's are but lets get into this. How many women on this forum have organised a BBQ for someone they really love when that person is vegetarian.

Have any older women done this for their best friends retirement party or 50th surprise birthday party, would they do this to their sister? I bet the answer is no.

For the men that think the DIL's are crazy and don't want their son marrying a woman like this would you organise your vegetarian daughter's 16th birthday party to be a BBQ with no vegetarian dishes so she can only eat corn. No but when your daughter marries and her MIL does this you will come to understand.

It's funny how DIL's are suppose to sit back and take this type of crazy when really these people wouldn't do this to someone they loved or liked. DIL's are only bitches when they stand up and don't take the horrible treatment when really it's usually the MIL is absolutely nasty and would never treat someone else like that.

And we wonder why estrangements are so common, because of this type of behaviour that happens more than once, because life is short and who could be bothered spending time with a viper who bites. It's unpleasant, it's nasty, it hurts. People choose to walk away and move away.

PP, I feel ya! My MIL decided to throw me a bridal shower, even though it was made abundantly clear that a shower in MIL's town wasn't going to happen (she lived in a remote place. I lived in a remote place 18 hours away!). Instead, she issued invitations to her friends and family and proceeds to video tape the whole thing! Back in 2002, no less. A few weeks after the shower that I knew nothing about a VHS tape arrives at my house in the mail. Each guest, one at a time, opened the wrapped gift they brought and held it up for everyone else to oooh and aaah over. It was bat-poop crazy.

About 5 minutes into watching the tape, my soon-to-be DH muttered "There's a reason I moved so far away."

Anonymous wrote:Pp, I forgot to add that at the wedding picnic, she ordered BBQ catering. I am a vegetarian. It was a meat fest. I think I ate some corn. She also sent out her own invites with us as cartoon people dressed as cowgirl/cowboy. Just remembering this now and how weird it was!

That's disrespectful on her part. She should have made sure there were vegetarian options, what an absolute bitch of a MIL.

Anonymous wrote:This chain made me laugh. If she isn’t in charge of hosting a special event/occasion, my MIL will just plan a second version herself. For example, hosting a wedding “picnic” long after our wedding which we did not want. She hosted a surprise bridal shower for me because I did not plan nor want one. She hosted a baby shower for my first pregnancy after my official baby shower that I had planned myself. When it came to our dd’s first birthday, she offered to host. I firmly put my foot down that there would be ONE bday party (she wanted to have one at her house (2 states away!) too) that I would be hosting and she was more than welcome to attend. I asked her to bring a cake. She said no, actually she would bring cupcakes. She continually asked if she could bring some appetizer. I repeatedly said no, there was a menu theme and I was handling the food. She would then ask DH about bringing this same appetizer. He didn’t know or care what was going on. I continued to answer thanks but we’ve got the food covered. She arrived for the party with the appetizer in tow, saying I hope you don’t mind I brought this, you have a lot of people coming to the party and they need to be fed. I smiled and said of course, thank you.
She then proceeded to point party guests to her appetizer announcing she made it.

Hahaha so yeah, I get a kick out of these stories.

Yes and isn't this just it right here. Yes some posters just want to blame those hateful DIL's but there are some MIL's who just can't sit back and relax. They are use to being in charge, hosting, things have been done their way and they will regardless of anyone else continue to have some control.

Yes it is funny to have a chuckle over later but in reality it can be stressful having an overbearing MIL who just won't take no for an answer or doesn't listen. I see red flags when I hear someone can't just go and relax, why can't you, what is so hard about that. Why do they see negatives where there are none.

OP your DIL has it covered, just as you wouldn't want her turning up to your Christmas feast and taking over your meal I'm sure she doesn't want you to take over hers. They are hosting, so let them host. I'm sure you can host next Christmas and feel all important then. Is it that you secretly believe no one can host like you can, there won't be that special dish you had every year, just let it go, different isn't wrong, it isn't bad, it's just different. Accept with grace otherwise it will become a very bumpy ride.

Pp, I forgot to add that at the wedding picnic, she ordered BBQ catering. I am a vegetarian. It was a meat fest. I think I ate some corn. She also sent out her own invites with us as cartoon people dressed as cowgirl/cowboy. Just remembering this now and how weird it was!

This chain made me laugh. If she isn’t in charge of hosting a special event/occasion, my MIL will just plan a second version herself. For example, hosting a wedding “picnic” long after our wedding which we did not want. She hosted a surprise bridal shower for me because I did not plan nor want one. She hosted a baby shower for my first pregnancy after my official baby shower that I had planned myself. When it came to our dd’s first birthday, she offered to host. I firmly put my foot down that there would be ONE bday party (she wanted to have one at her house (2 states away!) too) that I would be hosting and she was more than welcome to attend. I asked her to bring a cake. She said no, actually she would bring cupcakes. She continually asked if she could bring some appetizer. I repeatedly said no, there was a menu theme and I was handling the food. She would then ask DH about bringing this same appetizer. He didn’t know or care what was going on. I continued to answer thanks but we’ve got the food covered. She arrived for the party with the appetizer in tow, saying I hope you don’t mind I brought this, you have a lot of people coming to the party and they need to be fed. I smiled and said of course, thank you.
She then proceeded to point party guests to her appetizer announcing she made it.

Hahaha so yeah, I get a kick out of these stories.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all of the really mean posters who are insulting you OP. I think you sound great! Have fun and enjoy your Xmas.

Think the mean posters are just jealous as no one invites them for any holiday!

No invites would be BLISS for me!

+100..me too!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all of the really mean posters who are insulting you OP. I think you sound great! Have fun and enjoy your Xmas.

Think the mean posters are just jealous as no one invites them for any holiday!

No invites would be BLISS for me!

You realize they’re just inviting you to be polite, right? I bet they would be relieved if you couldn’t make it...

just sayin.

Everyone wins if you decline!

I try to decline, be out of town, fake sick.. but keep getting invited. Maybe I should just tone down my natural charm or go MIA for a month.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all of the really mean posters who are insulting you OP. I think you sound great! Have fun and enjoy your Xmas.

Think the mean posters are just jealous as no one invites them for any holiday!

No invites would be BLISS for me!

You realize they’re just inviting you to be polite, right? I bet they would be relieved if you couldn’t make it...

just sayin.

Everyone wins if you decline!

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all of the really mean posters who are insulting you OP. I think you sound great! Have fun and enjoy your Xmas.

Think the mean posters are just jealous as no one invites them for any holiday!

No invites would be BLISS for me!

Anonymous wrote:So I think the posters who identified that the OP is annoyed that she doesn't have a larger role and this makes her feel unimportant are spot on. OP's bad attitude is coming through loud and clear and I can only imagine how much worse it will be for her DIL who will experience OP's annoyed comments along with bad body language and facial expressions.

OP I suggest that you send your son and DIL a note letting them know that you know that you are a bit of an asshole. You know this and will try to keep it in check but if they notice not to take it personally.

It’s not dil job to make her feel important. Just treat each other as adults. Why is this so hard?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mercy! All these responses make me think more fondly of my perfume-wearing, snobby, disengaged, alcoholic MIL who thinks my DH hung the moon!

I'm sensitive to this bc with just two young sons and no daughters, I'm destined to be loathed. But I don't wear perfume and like to play with kids, so maybe those future DILs will give me a pass....

Come in "expecting to be loathed," and you've pretty much written a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Just be kind and polite. Like to a peer. Because your DIL WILL BE your peer. She will not be another child of yours. Be kind and polite and good things will come to you. Respect her, respect her household and her marriage and her mothering, stay out of her business, and you'll be fine.

This! Remember a daughter is a daughter for life. A son is a son until he takes a WIFE.

Oh people on DCUM love to blame the DIL but where do you think these DIL's get these stories from. These ridiculous crazy stories are personal stories which these DIL's have lived through, personally experienced them and people are posting that they are having a good laugh, but the reality is behind each of those funny unbelievable stories is a woman that has acted this way - oh sorry, a MIL that has acted this way.

If you feel you are destined to be loathed you probably will be, because you will go into the in-law relationship buying into all the crap. If you just get to know your DIL as a peer and show respect just as you would any other person in your life you will be fine. It's funny how MIL's think it's ok to belittle their DIL's but would never think twice of speaking or treating their friends in the same manner. Please tell me, do any of these MIL's actually walk into their friends house and criticise their decor or cooking and tell their friend how they do it so much better, do you really tell your friend that they are fat to their face, tell them what to do with their children and anything they are doing is wrong, do you tell them that they caused their own miscarriages - I'm assuming you don't do that to your friends because you know it is hurtful and cruel and yet you deem it ok treatment for your DIL's.

No the DIL's on this thread aren't hateful they are sharing stories of how they have been treated by their MIL's. As much as MIL's might want to point the finger at everyone else the stories are usually received with disbelief because they are so crazy. So perhaps the real question is why are MIL's so hateful? Why do they act this way because common sense would tell us that if all the DIL's didn't have these stories to tell wouldn't the in-law relationship be so much easier to navigate. Why don't FIL's and SILs have the same issues or very rarely have these issues? It seems to be a problem with older women, what is so bad about a DIL wanting to host Christmas, really in the scheme of things why can't the OP just be happy to be invited and have family around her but no there is a problem, she is relegated to bringing muffins and wine. MIL's always look for the negative and problems and hence the relationship is a minefield where no one wins. What would a FIL do, he would be happy to bring muffins and wine, turn up, enjoy himself and relax. So don't blame DIL's, don't see hatred, see really hurtful situations created by another person who probably didn't need to create that situation in the first place. It shouldn't be this hard but for some reason it is and to tell you the truth it baffles most younger DIL's as to why it is like this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mercy! All these responses make me think more fondly of my perfume-wearing, snobby, disengaged, alcoholic MIL who thinks my DH hung the moon!

I'm sensitive to this bc with just two young sons and no daughters, I'm destined to be loathed. But I don't wear perfume and like to play with kids, so maybe those future DILs will give me a pass....

Come in "expecting to be loathed," and you've pretty much written a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Just be kind and polite. Like to a peer. Because your DIL WILL BE your peer. She will not be another child of yours. Be kind and polite and good things will come to you. Respect her, respect her household and her marriage and her mothering, stay out of her business, and you'll be fine.

This! Remember a daughter is a daughter for life. A son is a son until he takes a WIFE.