PP forcing this “abuse” agenda - what do you really think is going to happen? Do you think OP is going to go tell her DH he’s wrong in his approach and start singing, “we’re not gonna take it!”? Do you think this will resolve OPs concern of how to support him? Do you think having her second guess her marriage’s Health is helpful?

We ALL have a sliver of a picture of reality from a few posts from one tired mother — you think that gives expert insight into their relationship? Or even full context? I don’t.

Some of us just don’t agree on how to label her DH’s behavior. That’s fine. But saying she is being abused by him pouting isn’t helpful at all. Start another thread on what abuse is and isn’t and we can chime in there. Give it a rest here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is like a PSA for how dismissive people are of mental health issues in this country.

It's super scary how cavalier people are about saying OP married a "man-baby" instead of offering helpful advice to a new mom of 2 month old twins about how she can better support her struggling partner. Oy.

This. The double standard is unreal.

What is unreal is that people don't understand the difference between feelings and actions.

The H has feeling... that does not make him a man-baby.

His ACTIONS are that he give the cold shoulder, tells OP she is to blame for his feeling and he emotionally manipulates her to try to get her to spend less time with her newborns.

Nobody is calling him a man-baby for having depression or having feeling. He is a man-baby because of his ACTIONS.

Where are you getting that? This isn't a pattern of sustained behavior. This is a single incident. They had a date night planned. It was cancelled. He got upset. She forced a conversation, he explains how he's emotionally struggling with the transition. Explains that he is feeling resentment towards the situation (which is a VERY normal thing to feel with a SINGLE 7 week old, let alone twins). OP says this is unusual, she has noticed that he's been struggling mentally, she is drowning herself and is wondering how to help him while still keeping herself afloat.

It is actually not helpful to have a bunch of people tell her she needs to get angry at her communicative depressed spouse. A course of action that will heighten friction in their relationship and cause added stress. A couple that looks to each other compassionately in those early weeks is going to have an easier time than a couple that allows anger and resentment to fester. Because adding marital problems to twins is not actually very helpful.

You're calling him a man baby because when having a conversation ABOUT why something upset him he explained his negative feelings. So yes, you are calling him a man baby because of his feelings, or at minimum, his willingness to communicate them.

Are so many things wrong with your post where to start.

It’s not normal for a grown man to get upset because a date is canceled due to a sick child.

It’s weird that you interpret people telling the wife that it’s not OK for somebody to pout, ignore, and blame that you think we’re saying her reaction should be anger as if the only reaction you think people should have in when standing up for themselves his anger. Where did you learn that standing up for yourself means you have to be angry? That shows that you don’t really have good coping skills yourself. It points to why you don’t understand that what he’s doing is abusive because you probably use anger when you want to get your way. .

It’s not normal that you’re describing the situation as his wife forcing him to have a conversation.

Anonymous wrote:^^^^

I’m sorry but no depression does not make you treat other people a certain way. Depression may make you want to treat people a certain way but it does not make you treat people a certain way .

Pp you’re correct. I could have phrased that better. We always have a choice.

^^^^

I’m sorry but no depression does not make you treat other people a certain way. Depression may make you want to treat people a certain way but it does not make you treat people a certain way .

Has he always wimpy?

Okay, this thread has gone off the rails. But I’ll say this.

I’ve been depressed. And I’ve had PPD. And I’ve been abused. I’ve never had twins. I did have a marriage that didn’t survive the child.

People give you a pass when you’re depressed. The cold shoulder isn’t abusive - your mental faculty causes you to react to normal situations in an abnormal way. A true chemical imbalance. I didn’t brush my teeth. I wasn’t lazy; I had no motivation. I didn’t want to shower or watch tv or read. It want that I was a boring person; I lost interest.

Depression is an illness. OP’s husband has a medical diagnosis for this condition, and a history. A life change, like a new child, or twins, can absolutely trigger an episode. Especially if it’s Major Depressive Disorder.

If people treated me the way some of you are treating OP’s DH, I would have shamed myself into Suicide. He expresses his fears and vulnerability to the person closest to him in life and strangers shame him?? You all are NOT supportive and DO NOT understand that mental illness isn’t some cop out of a behavior. It’s REAL. And it’s TOUGH. And talking trash about OPs husband is trashy.

Op, you’re amazing as a mom and wife from the tone of your posts.. but we all have a limit. It’s important that you not feel badly about protecting your sanity and continuing the good stuff. And there’s is a lot of good stuff — it’s great that he is engaged and I think it’s greT that he suggested time together because he prioritizes the relationship too. You guys are both learning the new ebb and flow and it won’t always be this intense.

I liked PPs suggestion(s) for:

Clinical evaluation with his dr
Caregiver support (nanny, sitter, relative help)
Local support groups for parents of twins for both of you
Being kind to yourself
Being kind to your husband

The truth is that you won’t be able to support your DH the same as before, but that doesn’t mean you’re abandoning ship. Your DH will have to decide if he wants to try to lean more on other resources and grow, and not burden you to be the source of his emotional strength. I get that it will be a new dynamic - and maybe one that will change circumstances too much for his liking. This is why the couples therapy helps, but I think it’s too soon to burden yourself with that.

Dr visit, help with kids, try to find an hour for yourself a day, and try to find a time to talk to him.

You’ll be no good to anyone if you become stressed, depressed, can’t nurse, etc. you can’t take anyone until you take care of yourself.

Unfortunately you have coddled your husband — so asking your dh to take care of himself now when he never had to before, of course he will blame that on the one thing that changed (kids). But truth is he eventually needed to learn these skills anyway. Now more than ever.

Hopefully you two come out stronger for it in the end.

Hugs! Sorry you have to wade through stupid fighting and bickering. I don’t think your DH is abusive either. Just as scared as most new parents are .. maybe x 2.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I was not sure on the science behind PPD and men. I’ve read a few studies stating that some men have changed in hormones to reflect their partners during pregnancy and can have PPD. It may be BS. So let’s just say DH has a long history of depression and mental illness and that the birth of our twins seems to have created a downward spiral for him. Maybe not PPD but a depressive episode triggered by adjusting to life with newborn twins.

No, the silent treatment is not normal for him. I don’t consider him selfish or a “man baby”. I consider him highly sensitive and that’s one of the reasons I love him. I know that I’m the stronger of the two of us emotionally and for our relationship I’m usually the one he can rely on but he has supported me emotionally, mentally etc plenty of times.

He’s in a bad headspace and I wish I could help but I’m truly so exhausted I can barely function and unfortunately at the moment I cannot be his support system. I was looking for advice on anyone who has had a spouse in the same place and what seemed to help. Thank you to the users who mentioned going ahead and getting a nanny now. I’m also trying to find a parental support group for new fathers. I think talking to other men in similar situations will help.

-Get the nanny now
-Insist that he discuss this issue with his therapist
-Raise the issue of meds/TMS/something else, at least temporarily

Here's the thing: you won't able to be his support system anymore. Not the way you used to. Your children will need to be your emotional priority from here on out, and so you need a plan for him getting the emotional support he needs from someone other than you. With parenting comes a massive shift in roles, and this one is a biggie. Even if the newborn haze is getting to him, you both will need to readjust your dynamic to make sure the kids get the attention they need.

And this is why marriages fail and children today have become spoiled entitled brats. Your spouse, especially your provider, should always be number one.

"especially your provider"? gag.

also, how is OP's husband putting HER first? He's not. He's putting himself first.

I swear. I thought my DH's emotional and physical absences while I had a newborn was terrible. But I think having a man-baby whine at me about loving my babies more than him and giving me the cold shoulder for canceling a date night 7 freakin weaks pp with TWINS ... might have actually been worse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is like a PSA for how dismissive people are of mental health issues in this country.

It's super scary how cavalier people are about saying OP married a "man-baby" instead of offering helpful advice to a new mom of 2 month old twins about how she can better support her struggling partner. Oy.

This. The double standard is unreal.

What is unreal is that people don't understand the difference between feelings and actions.

The H has feeling... that does not make him a man-baby.

His ACTIONS are that he give the cold shoulder, tells OP she is to blame for his feeling and he emotionally manipulates her to try to get her to spend less time with her newborns.

Nobody is calling him a man-baby for having depression or having feeling. He is a man-baby because of his ACTIONS.

Thank you for this. I can’t believe this has to be explained to people.

He needs to deal with his depression- with his therapist - not by dumping on his wife. He needs to go back to work and end his paternity leave because the last thing his wife needs is another person to take care of right now. She needs to hire a nanny now because her spouse is incapable of providing even the most basic support. She needs to heal physically and the twins need full time care. Her husband is going to have to go to his doctor/therapist for support. It really is the very least he can do. As in the bare minimum.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is like a PSA for how dismissive people are of mental health issues in this country.

It's super scary how cavalier people are about saying OP married a "man-baby" instead of offering helpful advice to a new mom of 2 month old twins about how she can better support her struggling partner. Oy.

This. The double standard is unreal.

What is unreal is that people don't understand the difference between feelings and actions.

The H has feeling... that does not make him a man-baby.

His ACTIONS are that he give the cold shoulder, tells OP she is to blame for his feeling and he emotionally manipulates her to try to get her to spend less time with her newborns.

Nobody is calling him a man-baby for having depression or having feeling. He is a man-baby because of his ACTIONS.

Where are you getting that? This isn't a pattern of sustained behavior. This is a single incident. They had a date night planned. It was cancelled. He got upset. She forced a conversation, he explains how he's emotionally struggling with the transition. Explains that he is feeling resentment towards the situation (which is a VERY normal thing to feel with a SINGLE 7 week old, let alone twins). OP says this is unusual, she has noticed that he's been struggling mentally, she is drowning herself and is wondering how to help him while still keeping herself afloat.

It is actually not helpful to have a bunch of people tell her she needs to get angry at her communicative depressed spouse. A course of action that will heighten friction in their relationship and cause added stress. A couple that looks to each other compassionately in those early weeks is going to have an easier time than a couple that allows anger and resentment to fester. Because adding marital problems to twins is not actually very helpful.

You're calling him a man baby because when having a conversation ABOUT why something upset him he explained his negative feelings. So yes, you are calling him a man baby because of his feelings, or at minimum, his willingness to communicate them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is like a PSA for how dismissive people are of mental health issues in this country.

It's super scary how cavalier people are about saying OP married a "man-baby" instead of offering helpful advice to a new mom of 2 month old twins about how she can better support her struggling partner. Oy.

This. The double standard is unreal.

What is unreal is that people don't understand the difference between feelings and actions.

The H has feeling... that does not make him a man-baby.

His ACTIONS are that he give the cold shoulder, tells OP she is to blame for his feeling and he emotionally manipulates her to try to get her to spend less time with her newborns.

Nobody is calling him a man-baby for having depression or having feeling. He is a man-baby because of his ACTIONS.

Just stop.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is like a PSA for how dismissive people are of mental health issues in this country.

It's super scary how cavalier people are about saying OP married a "man-baby" instead of offering helpful advice to a new mom of 2 month old twins about how she can better support her struggling partner. Oy.

This. The double standard is unreal.

What is unreal is that people don't understand the difference between feelings and actions.

The H has feeling... that does not make him a man-baby.

His ACTIONS are that he give the cold shoulder, tells OP she is to blame for his feeling and he emotionally manipulates her to try to get her to spend less time with her newborns.

Nobody is calling him a man-baby for having depression or having feeling. He is a man-baby because of his ACTIONS.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is like a PSA for how dismissive people are of mental health issues in this country.

It's super scary how cavalier people are about saying OP married a "man-baby" instead of offering helpful advice to a new mom of 2 month old twins about how she can better support her struggling partner. Oy.

This. The double standard is unreal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I was not sure on the science behind PPD and men. I’ve read a few studies stating that some men have changed in hormones to reflect their partners during pregnancy and can have PPD. It may be BS. So let’s just say DH has a long history of depression and mental illness and that the birth of our twins seems to have created a downward spiral for him. Maybe not PPD but a depressive episode triggered by adjusting to life with newborn twins.

No, the silent treatment is not normal for him. I don’t consider him selfish or a “man baby”. I consider him highly sensitive and that’s one of the reasons I love him. I know that I’m the stronger of the two of us emotionally and for our relationship I’m usually the one he can rely on but he has supported me emotionally, mentally etc plenty of times.

He’s in a bad headspace and I wish I could help but I’m truly so exhausted I can barely function and unfortunately at the moment I cannot be his support system. I was looking for advice on anyone who has had a spouse in the same place and what seemed to help. Thank you to the users who mentioned going ahead and getting a nanny now. I’m also trying to find a parental support group for new fathers. I think talking to other men in similar situations will help.

-Get the nanny now
-Insist that he discuss this issue with his therapist
-Raise the issue of meds/TMS/something else, at least temporarily

Here's the thing: you won't able to be his support system anymore. Not the way you used to. Your children will need to be your emotional priority from here on out, and so you need a plan for him getting the emotional support he needs from someone other than you. With parenting comes a massive shift in roles, and this one is a biggie. Even if the newborn haze is getting to him, you both will need to readjust your dynamic to make sure the kids get the attention they need.

And this is why marriages fail and children today have become spoiled entitled brats. Your spouse, especially your provider, should always be number one.

When you talk about spoiled entitled brats you are talking about the H.

Stop the #1 bullshit.

Infants are #1.
Sometimes, my job is #1, like from 9-5.
Sometime sleep is #1.
Sometimes caring for a dying parent is #1

Stop ranking your love and stop keep score... that is why marriages fail.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I was not sure on the science behind PPD and men. I’ve read a few studies stating that some men have changed in hormones to reflect their partners during pregnancy and can have PPD. It may be BS. So let’s just say DH has a long history of depression and mental illness and that the birth of our twins seems to have created a downward spiral for him. Maybe not PPD but a depressive episode triggered by adjusting to life with newborn twins.

No, the silent treatment is not normal for him. I don’t consider him selfish or a “man baby”. I consider him highly sensitive and that’s one of the reasons I love him. I know that I’m the stronger of the two of us emotionally and for our relationship I’m usually the one he can rely on but he has supported me emotionally, mentally etc plenty of times.

He’s in a bad headspace and I wish I could help but I’m truly so exhausted I can barely function and unfortunately at the moment I cannot be his support system. I was looking for advice on anyone who has had a spouse in the same place and what seemed to help. Thank you to the users who mentioned going ahead and getting a nanny now. I’m also trying to find a parental support group for new fathers. I think talking to other men in similar situations will help.

I have been in your situation and you are being abused by your husband right now you are in the #2 of the abuse cycle.

Just because he has depression means it is okay for him to abuse you. It might be his excuse or point to what needs to change but it's not okay.

You can't support somebody out of depression and allowing his abuse is enabling it.

He needs to talk to his therapist and you need to stand up for yourself when he makes unreasonable requests. It's okay if that upsets him, it's up to him to work that out with his therapist.

Does this cycle seem familiar... if not yet, watch out for it. The cycle may be weekly/monthly/yearly... every abuser is different. The longer 3 and 4 last and when 1 and 2 are short, women explain it away as a normal cycle, but it's not.

Omg go stuff it. I'm sorry if you were abused but NOTHING OP has said about her husband implies she is being abused.

UM not sure where you got, I am abused. But the cycle starts somewhere. I stopped it when my H said... "you are putting the kids first" which is stage 2 of the cycle... dude get therapy... I am not your mama.

What the H is saying and doing to her is abuse.. but go ahead baby your man.

I assumed you were abused because you said "I have been in your situation and you are being abused".

OP has not described abuse. Men do have feelings and can express them without being man babies.

No. I said my H said he was overwhelmed and felt jealous of the children in a non-blaming, concerning way that made us get him therapy. He knew it was not a normal way to feel just like a mom with PPD know not feeling love or connection to a new born is not normal.

Yes. The OP's H is abusive.

Stage 1: Tension: From OP's post ....However emotionally/mentally he is elsewhere and has been ultra emotional and needy
Stage 2: Incident (emotional abuse, blaming) From OP's post ... He got really upset .....I received the silent treatment. he said I don’t love him as much anymore, that I love the babies more, that I’m not emotionally supporting him enough anymore He mentioned he resents the babies and that they stole me from him.

This is NOT normal

Normal is... Hey I am struggling with how much work this is can we get a nanny. My depression is really bad right now and I know you are busy with the newborns I am going to see my therapist twice a week not once.

The top... abusive.
The bottom... normal man expressing his feeling

It makes me sad that so many people think "really upset" "silent treatment" "says I don't love him anymore" "resents the baby" is NORMAL way to express emotions. It's not healthy and it may be "normal" to you because that is how men in your life express their feelings.

No you didn't say that at all. What you said was:

I have been in your situation and you are being abused by your husband right now you are in the #2 of the abuse cycle.

Just because he has depression means it is okay for him to abuse you. It might be his excuse or point to what needs to change but it's not okay.

You can't support somebody out of depression and allowing his abuse is enabling it.

He needs to talk to his therapist and you need to stand up for yourself when he makes unreasonable requests. It's okay if that upsets him, it's up to him to work that out with his therapist.

Does this cycle seem familiar... if not yet, watch out for it. The cycle may be weekly/monthly/yearly... every abuser is different. The longer 3 and 4 last and when 1 and 2 are short, women explain it away as a normal cycle, but it's not.

Everything is on a scale. Of course dumping all your emotions on your partner CAN be abusive when taken to the extreme. A new dad 7 weeks in with twins expressing depression to his wife is not that.

You are being totally over the top and straight up lying about your previous posts. I think someone is trolling this thread and I'm going to ask Jeff about it.

No I did not lie, you made assumptions. Nothing you highlighted shows I said my H abused me.

OP has not even weighed in... does he cycle like this.. has this happened before... does he lash out and then go on good behavior, are there times of tension.

I doubt this cycle is new for her. Not uncommon with depression.

Do you speak english? I think you need to take a class in logical structure.

OP: Has anyone experienced X? What did you think about or do about X?

Poster: I have experienced X. You are being Y-ed.

DP: PP I'm sorry if you were Y-ed and think that experiencing X means you are being Y-ed but I disagree that X necessarily means Y.

Poster: Where on earth did I say I was being Y-ed you are leaping to ridiculous conclusions.

OP: Has anybody experienced "You love them more than me now."
me: Yes, I have my H felt like "You love them more than me now."
but I did not experience the abuse you are clearly experiencing. Feeling like he is not loved because you are caring for a baby (2) is NOT NORMAL. So he went to therapy. But he did not pout, yell, ignore or blame... that would be abusive. He is abusive, get him therapy for his feeling and his blaming and abuse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I was not sure on the science behind PPD and men. I’ve read a few studies stating that some men have changed in hormones to reflect their partners during pregnancy and can have PPD. It may be BS. So let’s just say DH has a long history of depression and mental illness and that the birth of our twins seems to have created a downward spiral for him. Maybe not PPD but a depressive episode triggered by adjusting to life with newborn twins.

No, the silent treatment is not normal for him. I don’t consider him selfish or a “man baby”. I consider him highly sensitive and that’s one of the reasons I love him. I know that I’m the stronger of the two of us emotionally and for our relationship I’m usually the one he can rely on but he has supported me emotionally, mentally etc plenty of times.

He’s in a bad headspace and I wish I could help but I’m truly so exhausted I can barely function and unfortunately at the moment I cannot be his support system. I was looking for advice on anyone who has had a spouse in the same place and what seemed to help. Thank you to the users who mentioned going ahead and getting a nanny now. I’m also trying to find a parental support group for new fathers. I think talking to other men in similar situations will help.

-Get the nanny now
-Insist that he discuss this issue with his therapist
-Raise the issue of meds/TMS/something else, at least temporarily

Here's the thing: you won't able to be his support system anymore. Not the way you used to. Your children will need to be your emotional priority from here on out, and so you need a plan for him getting the emotional support he needs from someone other than you. With parenting comes a massive shift in roles, and this one is a biggie. Even if the newborn haze is getting to him, you both will need to readjust your dynamic to make sure the kids get the attention they need.

And this is why marriages fail and children today have become spoiled entitled brats. Your spouse, especially your provider, should always be number one.

Nope. No. Uh-uh. Not even close.

I am NOT suggesting that the OP or anyone else let their marriage fall by the wayside. But children's emotional health *absolutely* needs to be the priority. When it's not, we end up with abusive and neglectful parents, and partners who refuse to make the tough choice to take care of their kids first. Marriages fail for many reasons, but marriage failure in the case of an immature and/or abusive and/or neglectful spouse is not a bad thing. It *is* possible for people to put their children's development first *and* still nurture their marriages, but that means spouses getting support from people outside the marriage. Putting it all on your spouse to take care of you, even when that clearly conflicts with your children's well-being? No effing way.