Anonymous wrote:OP, your mother may take the position that she will not outlive her finances and therefore the Medicare issue is not a problem. And therefore there is nco issue with her returning to the more expensive full-care facility. Be ready to deal with her potential irrational stubbornness along these lines.

Anonymous wrote:This is a small thing, but I wonder if she would like an Alexa or Google home device, to ask about the weather, play music, watch videos, etc. I don’t have one myself so I’m not sure what all the functions are, but it would probably work for phone calls too if set up properly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't have any good advice other than what's already been given but read your post and responses with great interest because we are going through something similar. FIL died two months ago and it's been very hard on my MIL. About 9 months before he died, they had just moved into a senior living community that sounds like your mother's -- very nice community with friendly people, activities, couple meals per day. They had friends already there so they already had a bit of a community there. MIL was the caretaker; FIL was the one who was completely dependent on her (I don't think he knew how to change the channel or operate the dishwasher; though I think he could manage trash). We worried about how he would do if she died; we thought MIL would be fine. She is ok; but all of a sudden she says she is scared of driving (she only drives to local places like the grocery store), she doesn't want to be social (she previously enjoyed getting to know others at her home); she says she can't walk very far (she used to be fairly active). I think it is completely grief and depression. We or other family members visit her every weekend (we live about an hour way), and we're just hoping it gets better. I'd be interested to see how things go with your mom as time goes by; maybe this is a fairly common stage of grief and things improve with time?

Oh, wow.....very interesting. Quite similar to my situation in many ways. (And here I was concerned that people could identify me with the details: two daughters who lost their father a few months ago, with a dependent mother who moved to a new facility from AL facility two weeks ago. We are probably one in thousands.)

Interesting that even though your MIL was the caretaker, she become so much less capable once your FIL died- despite her relative independence before, due to grief and depression. What scares me more, hearing you say that, is that since my mom was always the dependent one, feeling loved only when she was being "taken care of," she needs that reassurance more than ever. I just hope that she doesn't all of a sudden find it difficult to get dressed, or walk.

Anyway, good luck with your MIL. I'd hope that since she was relatively capable beforehand, once the immediate and strong grief subsides somewhat, she'll get a bit better. Also, a big thing going for her, and that my mom doesn't have (yet) are established friendships with people already in the community.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's too late for you now, OP, but this should have been addressed years ago. I don't say this to castigate you, but more to use your unfortunate circumstance as a lesson for all of us. Just as we have to prepare our kids to one day live without us, we need to bear in mind that older couples may one day be singletons and will have to be able to be able to survive that way. So if we have a parent who knows nothing about their finances, or can't operate any of the household appliances, we should be thinking about helping them gain those skills before it's too late!

You say that because you don't realize the extent of my mother's dependency. We WERE all aware of it (although my sister and I didn't fully appreciate just how bad it was until last year), and my dad, sister, and I all tried to get her to learn some basics (INCLUDING working the TV remote) so that if Dad died first, she wouldn't be completely helpless. She would become enraged, and refuse. We tried for YEARS. The more we pushed, the more she pushed back. It usually ended with her in tears, storming up to her bedroom.

Anonymous wrote:It's too late for you now, OP, but this should have been addressed years ago. I don't say this to castigate you, but more to use your unfortunate circumstance as a lesson for all of us. Just as we have to prepare our kids to one day live without us, we need to bear in mind that older couples may one day be singletons and will have to be able to be able to survive that way. So if we have a parent who knows nothing about their finances, or can't operate any of the household appliances, we should be thinking about helping them gain those skills before it's too late!

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't have any good advice other than what's already been given but read your post and responses with great interest because we are going through something similar. FIL died two months ago and it's been very hard on my MIL. About 9 months before he died, they had just moved into a senior living community that sounds like your mother's -- very nice community with friendly people, activities, couple meals per day. They had friends already there so they already had a bit of a community there. MIL was the caretaker; FIL was the one who was completely dependent on her (I don't think he knew how to change the channel or operate the dishwasher; though I think he could manage trash). We worried about how he would do if she died; we thought MIL would be fine. She is ok; but all of a sudden she says she is scared of driving (she only drives to local places like the grocery store), she doesn't want to be social (she previously enjoyed getting to know others at her home); she says she can't walk very far (she used to be fairly active). I think it is completely grief and depression. We or other family members visit her every weekend (we live about an hour way), and we're just hoping it gets better. I'd be interested to see how things go with your mom as time goes by; maybe this is a fairly common stage of grief and things improve with time?

Anonymous wrote:Why would it be $25/hr? If you just want someone to pick up after her Surely you could find that much cheaper.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your mother sounds a lot like my MIL. My FIL is still alive and incredibly capable despite being in his late 80s. He does every.single.thing for her, even sleeps on the floor at her command because she won't have him in the same bed or in a separate room. But even he is (FINALLY!) starting to get fed up and it's not pretty.

Wait, what? Your FIL sleeps on the floor? WTF? Why the heck does he agree to that?? At the very least why not move two beds into the bedroom? I would LOVE you to start your own thread and talk more about what’s going on there and what the dynamics are!! You said he’s starting to get fed up? What’s happening and what’s he doing?? How do you and your spouse deal with it all?

OP, you can get aides for $25/hour or less. I’m curious, and sorry if you already said, but what’s your own life like? Partner, kids, friends, hobbies, etc.? You are in a very tough position and you have my sympathy. I posted before but I’ll say it again: you should NOT spend your own retirement money to support your mother. I’m surprised your sister thinks it’s reasonable for you to risk being in a crappy nursing home in sacrifice to your mother’s demands. And at some point the alternate weekends will be too burdensome. Do you all live in the same town?