I have a nephew FTL - he is in his 30s now. 1st-born son of my eldest sister's second family. He began life in the 1980s as a too-precious IVF baby with a heart valve defect that required two surgeries and a lot of home-administered medications. I was there- it was horrible. Then of course he was intensely coddled because any physical activity was off limits. And they had invested sooooo much $$$ in him!!! It was so expensive back then. And they had limited insurance because they are self-employed. So the parents built a home around him with a swimming pool and a huge room just for video games and sleep-overs. As a free-roaming child of the 1970s I had never seen anything like it.
Eventually his parents bought him a house in an adjacent city. He immediately left the house and moved in with his girlfriend's family, where he remains. In his 30s.

My other sister says good on him- he's got it figured out!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over-indulgence. Low expectations. "You always have a home here with us" mantra.

I'll add: having a lovely home. How difficult it is for an adult child to leave the super-padded, luxurious confines of the family home to...what? Move into a shared apartment?

Disagree with the you always have a home here with us mantra. It is the best thing my mom ever drilled into my head bc I knew if I were ever in a bad situation like a terrible marriage or dangerous living situation that I had a place to go. That's said I left after school and didn't want to go home and I was living paycheck to paycheck but that was a matter of pride. I think actually talking about self sufficiency and the excitement of that chapter of your life is good for kids. You become proud of it

+1. And also +1 to the pp who said the economy is not as great as advertised. I don't know any recent college graduates who moved out without being subsidized by their parents-they assisted with housing, a car, the job itself, an allowance, and whatever else-even if they don't or won't openly acknowledge it. Staying at home to save up and buy a house but otherwise is independent I count as receiving assistance, too, assuming they aren't paying rent equivalent or reasonably near to what they would be out of the house. So some of this ftl can be driven by all of the lack of life skills and emotional, health, and physical problems and/or over-indulgence and low expectations but it definitely needs to be acknowledged that the economy isn't actually that great (regardless of your advanced degrees and experience) and it is significantly harder to find a living wage job than it used to be.

The economy is as good as it's ever going to get for recent grads. The problem is the expected standard of living has jumped WAY too high.

My first apartment was a studio with tiny kitchen and bath and no closet that I shared with a roommate. I took the bus to work. I used phone cards to call home or waited for them to call me. I didn't have a TV. I ate minimally and knew every bar that offered free food at happy hour. I spent one Christmas alone because my family couldn't pay for a plane ticket and I certainly didn't have the money.

Today, the bare minimum recent grads expect is their own room and often their own bathroom, full kitchen, big TV with cable, cell phone, probably a car, lots of eating out and regular vacations. There are very few entry level jobs that can support that lifestyle. So the parents supplement -- or encourage Junior to live at home so they can save the cost of rent, insurance, food, cable, utilities etc.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mother of a child with ADHD. I'm terrified my child will fail to launch. She's ambitious and we provide rules and she has chores and we expect good grades and she gets them . . . but her executive function skills are 3 years behind her age. Someone talked about parents being terrible for not letting kids drive at 16 and waiting until 18. Do you know how much executive function skills it takes to drive? Everyone on the road should be thanking me we held off on her driving. Such a weird thing to complain about. Safety over societal norm, please.

Anyway, ADHD is not a mental illness but it is a disorder and maybe she will surprise us but I fear she will be in our house forever unless she finds a husband who can deal with all the things that come with ADHD and that's not very likely. She has relationships but her ADHD always seems to get in the way and she doesn't seem to be able to stay in relationships.

She can launch three years later. It’s ok. You are on the path. My DD with ADHD took an extra year to get her degree. It wasn’t the disaster others told us it would be.

Please don’t tie relationships to moving out. Too many young women move in with bad partners to escape pressures at home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over-indulgence. Low expectations. "You always have a home here with us" mantra.

I'll add: having a lovely home. How difficult it is for an adult child to leave the super-padded, luxurious confines of the family home to...what? Move into a shared apartment?

Disagree with the you always have a home here with us mantra. It is the best thing my mom ever drilled into my head bc I knew if I were ever in a bad situation like a terrible marriage or dangerous living situation that I had a place to go. That's said I left after school and didn't want to go home and I was living paycheck to paycheck but that was a matter of pride. I think actually talking about self sufficiency and the excitement of that chapter of your life is good for kids. You become proud of it

+1. And also +1 to the pp who said the economy is not as great as advertised. I don't know any recent college graduates who moved out without being subsidized by their parents-they assisted with housing, a car, the job itself, an allowance, and whatever else-even if they don't or won't openly acknowledge it. Staying at home to save up and buy a house but otherwise is independent I count as receiving assistance, too, assuming they aren't paying rent equivalent or reasonably near to what they would be out of the house. So some of this ftl can be driven by all of the lack of life skills and emotional, health, and physical problems and/or over-indulgence and low expectations but it definitely needs to be acknowledged that the economy isn't actually that great (regardless of your advanced degrees and experience) and it is significantly harder to find a living wage job than it used to be.

I'm a mother of a child with ADHD. I'm terrified my child will fail to launch. She's ambitious and we provide rules and she has chores and we expect good grades and she gets them . . . but her executive function skills are 3 years behind her age. Someone talked about parents being terrible for not letting kids drive at 16 and waiting until 18. Do you know how much executive function skills it takes to drive? Everyone on the road should be thanking me we held off on her driving. Such a weird thing to complain about. Safety over societal norm, please.

Anyway, ADHD is not a mental illness but it is a disorder and maybe she will surprise us but I fear she will be in our house forever unless she finds a husband who can deal with all the things that come with ADHD and that's not very likely. She has relationships but her ADHD always seems to get in the way and she doesn't seem to be able to stay in relationships.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now properly terrified to having my toddlers still with me into midlife, thanks to another thread. I’ve never met a failure to launch(FTL) in the wild. Anybody have any insight into how to avoid this particular parenting pitfall?

What was the original thread that sparked this? My 29 year old brother's ftl is on the verge of causing a family rift, and I found reading this thread somewhat therapeutic.

"Women enslaved to their sons" https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/819262.page

Which should have been “Sons enmeshed with their mothers” instead.

Not allowing them to work any job where they could possibly ever be asked to clean a bathroom. Also, never having them clean anything at home either, and declaring them too good to have to clean. One-way ticket to FTL, high-income/AAP or otherwise.

They will launch you just need to hire them a coach.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now properly terrified to having my toddlers still with me into midlife, thanks to another thread. I’ve never met a failure to launch(FTL) in the wild. Anybody have any insight into how to avoid this particular parenting pitfall?

What was the original thread that sparked this? My 29 year old brother's ftl is on the verge of causing a family rift, and I found reading this thread somewhat therapeutic.

"Women enslaved to their sons" https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/819262.page

Anonymous wrote:Now properly terrified to having my toddlers still with me into midlife, thanks to another thread. I’ve never met a failure to launch(FTL) in the wild. Anybody have any insight into how to avoid this particular parenting pitfall?

What was the original thread that sparked this? My 29 year old brother's ftl is on the verge of causing a family rift, and I found reading this thread somewhat therapeutic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Because, it’s not normal for an adult (yes, your out of college age kid is an adult) to be bunking with their parents. How will they learn to pay bills or grocery shop? How can they bring a date home for some hot 20 something lovin’? It’s not healthy and I don’t care if it’s financially a good idea, it’s psychologically a very, very bad one.
Or

Except it is totally normal in many cultures...many of which have increasing immigrant and now first/second generation populations in the US. Are you really suggesting that most Asians are psychologically damaged?

Maybe not psychologically damanged. But, these Asian and Indian men who live with their moms are not going to be the best husbands pitching in with houdehold chores in their nuclear famuly, when they get married. Ladies need to be wary of these men.

Not pulling ones weight on domestic chores is bad IMO. But it is not FTL.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Because, it’s not normal for an adult (yes, your out of college age kid is an adult) to be bunking with their parents. How will they learn to pay bills or grocery shop? How can they bring a date home for some hot 20 something lovin’? It’s not healthy and I don’t care if it’s financially a good idea, it’s psychologically a very, very bad one.
Or

Except it is totally normal in many cultures...many of which have increasing immigrant and now first/second generation populations in the US. Are you really suggesting that most Asians are psychologically damaged?

Maybe not psychologically damanged. But, these Asian and Indian men who live with their moms are not going to be the best husbands pitching in with houdehold chores in their nuclear famuly, when they get married. Ladies need to be wary of these men.

That is exactly why many Asian and Indian women choose to marry out of their culture.

Anonymous wrote:The other characteristic of the older FTL people is poor money mgt skills. They blow money on partying or make poor spending decisions that leave the perpetually broke.

Parents, teach your kids anout money mgt.!

I have a failure to launch BIL in his 40's. Never left home. No mental or physical issues. Has no job. Has no $$$. Gets an allowance in the form of ILs pay all his bills including cc bills. They bought him a car. Pays his insurance. His other siblings don't resent him or his parents at all.

Anonymous wrote:The other characteristic of the older FTL people is poor money mgt skills. They blow money on partying or make poor spending decisions that leave the perpetually broke.

Parents, teach your kids anout money mgt.!

My brother is a FTL and his money management is poor because he rebels against everything my Dad did, except for politics.

The other characteristic of the older FTL people is poor money mgt skills. They blow money on partying or make poor spending decisions that leave the perpetually broke.

Parents, teach your kids anout money mgt.!