Anonymous
07/29/2019 11:54
Subject: Clueless biracial nephew
Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing- I can't fault his journey and nor should you. There is nothing less empowering than someone else assuring you that you are not empowered. Can you see that?
My DH is black and was not raised to assume that any lack of respect/problem/thing that he did not get /or any unwanted focus that he did get was because he was black. Even if it was.
When he got old enough to see racism he knew what it was, but it's not his go-to assumption about people or life if things don't work out. Having a healthy sense of an internal locus of control is not a bad thing. When the racist moments come, if he was raised this way, he will be self-actualized enough to not be hit hard by the realization, and can proceed with dignity.
To this day I've seen rare moments where (as a white person) I can tell a (white) stranger's first instinct is to respond to my inlaws based on their appearance. Then I watch the person's behaviour/attitude change as they see my inlaws behaviour. And whether or not my inlaws are aware in the moment of this person's values you would never know. Interactions like this change racists gut insticts/biases one at a time. I asked DH one time if it got tiring having to be overly careful and he said he was raised that way and didn't think about it. "I could be this person's only interaction with a person of colour- why would I abuse that or validate what they believe?" He likes being a person who changes peoples perceptions, which is cool. Maybe that's your nephew.
If that's the nephew, then that's his choice.
I will say that as a person of color, it is not my job to change people's perceptions about me and my community. I am too busy dealing with the fallout of these negative perceptions.
Anonymous
07/28/2019 18:51
Subject: Clueless biracial nephew
Here's the thing- I can't fault his journey and nor should you. There is nothing less empowering than someone else assuring you that you are not empowered. Can you see that?
My DH is black and was not raised to assume that any lack of respect/problem/thing that he did not get /or any unwanted focus that he did get was because he was black. Even if it was.
When he got old enough to see racism he knew what it was, but it's not his go-to assumption about people or life if things don't work out. Having a healthy sense of an internal locus of control is not a bad thing. When the racist moments come, if he was raised this way, he will be self-actualized enough to not be hit hard by the realization, and can proceed with dignity.
To this day I've seen rare moments where (as a white person) I can tell a (white) stranger's first instinct is to respond to my inlaws based on their appearance. Then I watch the person's behaviour/attitude change as they see my inlaws behaviour. And whether or not my inlaws are aware in the moment of this person's values you would never know. Interactions like this change racists gut insticts/biases one at a time. I asked DH one time if it got tiring having to be overly careful and he said he was raised that way and didn't think about it. "I could be this person's only interaction with a person of colour- why would I abuse that or validate what they believe?" He likes being a person who changes peoples perceptions, which is cool. Maybe that's your nephew.
My DH is black and was not raised to assume that any lack of respect/problem/thing that he did not get /or any unwanted focus that he did get was because he was black. Even if it was.
When he got old enough to see racism he knew what it was, but it's not his go-to assumption about people or life if things don't work out. Having a healthy sense of an internal locus of control is not a bad thing. When the racist moments come, if he was raised this way, he will be self-actualized enough to not be hit hard by the realization, and can proceed with dignity.
To this day I've seen rare moments where (as a white person) I can tell a (white) stranger's first instinct is to respond to my inlaws based on their appearance. Then I watch the person's behaviour/attitude change as they see my inlaws behaviour. And whether or not my inlaws are aware in the moment of this person's values you would never know. Interactions like this change racists gut insticts/biases one at a time. I asked DH one time if it got tiring having to be overly careful and he said he was raised that way and didn't think about it. "I could be this person's only interaction with a person of colour- why would I abuse that or validate what they believe?" He likes being a person who changes peoples perceptions, which is cool. Maybe that's your nephew.
Anonymous
07/28/2019 14:49
Subject: Re:Clueless biracial nephew
^^ I sure as hell hope that you moved near him with his encouragement...
Anonymous
07/28/2019 14:37
Subject: Re:Clueless biracial nephew
Good golly. He sounds like he’s doing fine. He may experience some racism, but it does not seem to be a substantial barrier in his life. Lots of people aren’t loved right off by their in-laws, and I’m sure he’s not an idiot — he can’t be clueless about the concept of racism. And maybe he just doesn’t want to talk about it with you.
OP, you sound like a busybody who is offended that he is not “black enough” by your standards. I sure as hell that you moved near him with his encouragement and not out of your own, unsupported idea of how he needs you.
OP, you sound like a busybody who is offended that he is not “black enough” by your standards. I sure as hell that you moved near him with his encouragement and not out of your own, unsupported idea of how he needs you.
Anonymous
07/28/2019 14:00
Subject: Clueless biracial nephew
Anonymous wrote:I have a nephew that is so clueless about systemic racism and I wish he understood how it does impact him.
He grew up in a whitewashed neighborhood. Mother is white and father was absent. His wife is white and basically all of his friends are white.
He does have a sister but other than that no other POC near him. His aunt (my sister) who he is close to lives a state away. Anyways, for the longest time his MIL did not like him. He did not understand why. It came to light it was because of his race. Although biracial she saw him as a black man. They have a good relationship now but he was that clueless. I’ve recently moved into the area to be close to him. He was my buddy growing up but my career took me out of the country so I didn’t se him as often. I want to help him understand. But I’m not sure he gets it. I’m at a loss but I want to help him see he isn’t immune. *I know neither am I. Advice.
You are the “clueless” one.
Not everyone needs to conform to your narrative.
Anonymous
07/28/2019 13:51
Subject: Clueless biracial nephew
Anonymous wrote:Can't force it---but for the sake of an adopted child he does need to get his act together. That child--if presents as Black is going to need navigation guidance on all of these issues. Even if the child is biracial, the world may see the child as black. Or, if the child appears white presenting as an infant--may grow up to be more black presenting.
Agreed, though I’d add that even a child who stays very Caucasian or racially ambiguous needs to be aware that systematic racism still exists. Even a child of two Caucasian parents needs to be aware of that. Raising kids to think that was something we solved in the 1960s leaves them unprepared to recognize and address continued systematic racism today. We wouldn’t tell our children that systematic sexism was eradicated in the 1970s just because we personally may not be aware of having been held back in our careers by sexist superiors or charged a higher rate for a car by a sexist dealership.
Anonymous
07/28/2019 13:48
Subject: Clueless biracial nephew
I get a lot of crap from other mothers when I say that parenthood hasn't been that hard and there's worse stressors in life---and that I chose to become a parent so I deal. I have other moms trying to convince me how oppressed I am as a mom. Do I feel that there are many women who are moms who have major adversity because they are parents? Sure. Am I one them? I don't think so---I have a support system, a healthy relationship, etc. Do I deny the intersection of racism, economics, and sexism makes it systematically hard for some women? no.
Maybe your nephew gets it but jsut doesn't feel that it's his race.
Maybe your nephew gets it but jsut doesn't feel that it's his race.
Anonymous
07/28/2019 13:41
Subject: Clueless biracial nephew
Can't force it---but for the sake of an adopted child he does need to get his act together. That child--if presents as Black is going to need navigation guidance on all of these issues. Even if the child is biracial, the world may see the child as black. Or, if the child appears white presenting as an infant--may grow up to be more black presenting.