Anonymous wrote:OP here. As I stated in the OP of course they don’t “owe” me, but most of my friends have 3+ kids and local grandparents help a ton, like driving to sports practices or keeping the younger while the older has an activity, etc. My friends all assume my inlaws are the same and they are not. How do I put an end to the questions without just saying “my inlaws don’t really help.”

My own mother (now deceased) lives in my hometown but would absolutely have been like my friends parents. Feel sorry for my kids - they got a dead grandma and a dud grandma. Some kids get two awesome grandmas. It’s sad.

Just tell the truth. I am lucky and have local parents who moved here for me and watch my kids one evening a week. My friends don’t have that and we try to help them out. If you were honest with me I would help you more with car pooling or watching kids on a weekend afternoon for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband just reminded me that his own parents took several week long cruises during his childhood where his grandparents kept him and his two siblings. AND my SIL (their own daughter) has rockstar inlaws and thinks her own parents are sucky grandparents.

But I guess none of us are going to change each other’s minds. It was interesting to hear everyone’s thoughts nonetheless. Peace!

How do you know this? Are you actively discussing how FIL is a "dud" and they "suck" with your SIL - while still accepting your in laws' offer of four overnights a year?

Yes, my SIL and I are good friends and we discuss her parents honestly. She makes her feelings known and understands my feelings. She has the “do anything” type of inlaws and is extremely grateful. She apologizes to me on her parents behalf.

You are an idiot if you are complaining to your SIL about her parents, regardless of your friendship with her or what she says about them. In the end, they are her family, not you, and for you to disrespect them in that way crosses the line.

Divorce your husband and find a man with better parents. It's the only solution for you, OP. Your just going to become even more bitter with time.

What your your inlaws like as parents?

Growing up I had one set of grandparents who I was very close to. They took us all the time, and we spent a lot of time at their place. They lived pretty close to us and my mom would drop us off there all the time when she needed to run errands or if my parents were going out. My grandfather died a long time ago and I lost my grandmother this past year but she was one of my best friends through my adult life.

As much as my mother sometimes was frustrated with how involved my grandmother wanted to be, she is very much like her - she takes the kids all the time, will pick them up from school, has them for the weekend. I understand why you see others with this and wish you had it. It is pretty great - both for the parents and the kids.

My other set of grandparents lived 30 minutes away and we visited them maybe 4-5 times a year. My grandfather was chatty but my grandmother was a very reserved, not warm and fuzzy person. I don't think they ever babysat us and visits were torture as kids as we sat on the couch and dutifully answered questions about school. This grandmother was not a warm and caring mother either. My dad was not very emotionally bonded with his mother.

I don't know if my experience pans out but certainly in my case, those who were loving and involved parents are more likely to be loving and involved grandparents and those who were not such great parents are less likely to be great as grandparents.

Leaving this Pity Party.

^ my brother, not either

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your in laws don’t owe you anything. My SIL thinks because I’m a nanny, I’m her free anytime babysitter. I don’t even live in state and when I go home she expects date nights and help. So I’m paying $500 to fly home AND work for free.. okay.. I don’t even stay with them and this time I’m going home and not even telling them because I’m tired of being used. My mom supports this 100% and only helps so she can see the grandkids. My SIL is obnoxious and while I’m there will go upstairs and nap for 6 hours while my brother lays around and does nothing. You chose to have kids, watch them yourself or pay someone else to do it. Family isn’t free daycare.

Why are you harping on your SIL when your brother is just as bad? If anything, he's the one you should be blaming here.

[b]

Not harping, just commenting. And yes, I think my SIL is lazy as she stays home and doesn’t work while the kids go to daycare and my. Either actually works. Then she wants free babysitting too?? Maybe be tired and nap because you actually look after your kids and I’ll help out. Not when they’re in daycare 8hrs a day while she is a lady of leisure.

Anonymous wrote: .... oh the plot thickens

these in-laws can't do anything right

except ... raise a son the Op thought was worth marrying!

Except...depending on how young they were when married, several other formative experiences could have happened after the son has left the house. My SO is like that-you would never guess his family based on who he was at time of marriage vs what he was raised (and was) for a but beforehand.

.... oh the plot thickens

these in-laws can't do anything right

except ... raise a son the Op thought was worth marrying!

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're an entitled whiner. Get over it, they're at least watching your kid sometimes.

You have no idea what your mother would have done, you just think she would have been great and watched your kids often. Halo effect since she's not around.

Huh? She died last year - she was a grandmother for 7 years. And she WAS great and DID watch my kids often. And called them. And bought them thoughtful gifts, not whatever random thing she could find on Amazon.

OP, you're an entitled whiner. Get over it, they're at least watching your kid sometimes.

You have no idea what your mother would have done, you just think she would have been great and watched your kids often. Halo effect since she's not around.

How do you respond to your friends?

"No, I have no help. My husband is a workaholic, his parents are hands-off, my mom is dead and my dad lives too far away to help out. Any other questions?"

If it's sympathy you're after, I'm not sure this is the place. A lot of parents have the same issues as you and they hire sitters, ask friends for help, or they make do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband just reminded me that his own parents took several week long cruises during his childhood where his grandparents kept him and his two siblings. AND my SIL (their own daughter) has rockstar inlaws and thinks her own parents are sucky grandparents.

But I guess none of us are going to change each other’s minds. It was interesting to hear everyone’s thoughts nonetheless. Peace!

How do you know this? Are you actively discussing how FIL is a "dud" and they "suck" with your SIL - while still accepting your in laws' offer of four overnights a year?

Yes, my SIL and I are good friends and we discuss her parents honestly. She makes her feelings known and understands my feelings. She has the “do anything” type of inlaws and is extremely grateful. She apologizes to me on her parents behalf.

You both need to stop badmouthing her parents behind their backs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband just reminded me that his own parents took several week long cruises during his childhood where his grandparents kept him and his two siblings. AND my SIL (their own daughter) has rockstar inlaws and thinks her own parents are sucky grandparents.

But I guess none of us are going to change each other’s minds. It was interesting to hear everyone’s thoughts nonetheless. Peace!

How do you know this? Are you actively discussing how FIL is a "dud" and they "suck" with your SIL - while still accepting your in laws' offer of four overnights a year?

Yes, my SIL and I are good friends and we discuss her parents honestly. She makes her feelings known and understands my feelings. She has the “do anything” type of inlaws and is extremely grateful. She apologizes to me on her parents behalf.

OP, you are complaining about four overnights per year? You need to either make more friends, stay home, or hire a sitter like the rest of us. MIL would watch SILs (2 of them) kids (4 of them) multiple times per week, plus week or two vacations (plural) during the year. MIL either thought we didn't know, or didn't care, because that is the kind of person she is. Frankly, we would not have wanted someone like that watching our kids, because if she did, she would be watching television or reading the paper the entire time, ignoring our children. To be honest, she didn't do such a great job the first time around.

And stop counting other people's pennies.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband just reminded me that his own parents took several week long cruises during his childhood where his grandparents kept him and his two siblings. AND my SIL (their own daughter) has rockstar inlaws and thinks her own parents are sucky grandparents.

But I guess none of us are going to change each other’s minds. It was interesting to hear everyone’s thoughts nonetheless. Peace!

How do you know this? Are you actively discussing how FIL is a "dud" and they "suck" with your SIL - while still accepting your in laws' offer of four overnights a year?

Yes, my SIL and I are good friends and we discuss her parents honestly. She makes her feelings known and understands my feelings. She has the “do anything” type of inlaws and is extremely grateful. She apologizes to me on her parents behalf.