Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother died by suicide nearly 40 years ago and I found him. I was the one who had to tell my parents. It ruined my first marriage and messed me up royally. It’s been 40 years. I’m doing very well now. I have a lovely spouse and children and a privileged life. But the pain that my brother caused me and my parents is something that I must live with. If I were to ever see him again in the after life, my first impulse would be to slap his face. I would have done anything for him, as would my parents. I will never understand why he chose this path to alleviate his own pain and dumped it on those around him. Please find another way to live, if only so that you don’t irreparably harm those that care about you.

Usually the thinking is, with a depressed mind, the world would be better off without me! He was not trying to inflict anything on you, I would bet. Sorry for your pain, though.

+1

It sucks so bad for those left behind, but people who do this almost always think that no one will really miss them, that you will be better off without them, or that they are relieving you of a burden. Depression really warps your perception and your thinking. Or else they are in so much pain that they can't really see anyone else at all, they just want to make it stop.

That said, the thought of the pain it would cause my parents was probably the thing that stopped me several times.

My kids. I don’t trust anyone else to take care of them and I love them too much to put them through that.

The pain I would cause others. Plus I figured it would be a waste. Literally.

I decided that I was still young and healthy enough to do something that would benefit someone somewhere. Why destroy my body when I could do something positive with it?

Whenever I got into that mindset I just said, "Well, before I decide to end it all I will just buy a one-way ticket to a third world country and see what I can do to be of use for awhile. I can still mop a floor at an orphanage, feed the infirm and elderly so that's something worth living for."

It was a way to run away from my painful life but still be useful and not cause anyone else pain.

I don't approach this from a Christian nor from New Age ethics.

Thirty years ago I dishonored the ancestors. There's only one sanction for that.

I have two options. Either achieve something in my own field akin to the Manhattan Project or winning a Pulitzer. Or doing what honor requires according to Bushido.

Which frowns on if not prohibits modern expedients such as ballistics or pharmaceuticals. No triple gainer from a highrise into your parked SUV.
Taking the euthanasic way out would only leverage my disgrace and afix it to my family forever. Compound the shame.

Am still working on achieving something notable. The token isn't fame. It's mastery...excellence. Nothing I've done in life amounts to a bucket of cold spit compared to what many of you have done.

I have no spouse, no children. It's debatable who would note my passing. Maybe nobody, and in no event would there be a hue and cry.

The other option requires adhering to a centuries-old protocol. Using a large blade among other things. I"m not a minnow wriggling on someone else's hook...I"m exactly where I deserve to be given what I have done or failed to do.

I'm too much of a coward to do what honor requires.

Unless my would-be rescuer understood and lived my values there's nothing they could say that would speak to the center of the issue.

Is the ancient code of honor I try to live by more important than your approval? Yes.

Anonymous wrote:As a teenager, I decided not to pull the trigger of my dad’s gun (it was in my mouth). There were two reasons: I was worried that I would live and be disfigured (I’m female) or that my younger sibling would find me dead and that would have been a horrible thing.

I’m so glad I decided not to kill myself. My life turned out so much better than I ever imagined. It wasn’t an easy road and was so painful but damn... here is so great.

...gonna go cry now.

That is my worry; that I would just shoot my jaw off or something.

Anonymous wrote:Anyone without kids, and not particularly close to their siblings/parents any more? Meaning you struggle to come up with reasons to be here.

I suppose I could get a cat or something...maybe teach it to dial 911.

This thread should be moved to HEALTH, no?

Anonymous wrote:My brother died by suicide nearly 40 years ago and I found him. I was the one who had to tell my parents. It ruined my first marriage and messed me up royally. It’s been 40 years. I’m doing very well now. I have a lovely spouse and children and a privileged life. But the pain that my brother caused me and my parents is something that I must live with. If I were to ever see him again in the after life, my first impulse would be to slap his face. I would have done anything for him, as would my parents. I will never understand why he chose this path to alleviate his own pain and dumped it on those around him. Please find another way to live, if only so that you don’t irreparably harm those that care about you.

Usually the thinking is, with a depressed mind, the world would be better off without me! He was not trying to inflict anything on you, I would bet. Sorry for your pain, though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I could support you in real life OP.

Me too.

There are so many people who care - even if you haven't found them in real life yet.

20 years in the USA and have not found one person who cares.

Then you are meeting the wrong people. Or you suck as a human being and are giving people a reason not to care...

Whoever posted this, in this thread - you are disturbed. Please get help to release the hate clogged up inside you!

I'm afraid to say anything to those of you here because I don't know what to say. I'm a fixer, and a caretaker of all. I am so empathetic that it's paralyzing sometimes.

I'm so sorry you're in pain, but I'm glad you're here. Please stay. You matter. We care. My heart hurts, and I don't even know you. I wish we could collectively take your pain away.

I think about it every day. But I would never do that to my dad. He’s done everything, I mean absolutely everything for me and I could never put him through that pain.

As a teenager, I decided not to pull the trigger of my dad’s gun (it was in my mouth). There were two reasons: I was worried that I would live and be disfigured (I’m female) or that my younger sibling would find me dead and that would have been a horrible thing.

I’m so glad I decided not to kill myself. My life turned out so much better than I ever imagined. It wasn’t an easy road and was so painful but damn... here is so great.

...gonna go cry now.

I’m a teacher and can’t imagine my students’ response

Anonymous wrote:I’m a nanny and I wouldn’t want the kids at work to be sad. I’ve been with them for 7 years and not wanting to hurt them is the only thing that keeps me going.

Our nanny is truly a treasured and loved member of my family and my children love her as much as me (their mom). I promise you that you matter to them and they would miss you dearly. We moved away from our nanny of 4 years and when my kids saw her after a 6 month absence they both sobbed and wouldn’t let her out of their sight. They talk about her daily and she wrote on the slate of who they are.

I’m a nanny and I wouldn’t want the kids at work to be sad. I’ve been with them for 7 years and not wanting to hurt them is the only thing that keeps me going.

My brother died by suicide nearly 40 years ago and I found him. I was the one who had to tell my parents. It ruined my first marriage and messed me up royally. It’s been 40 years. I’m doing very well now. I have a lovely spouse and children and a privileged life. But the pain that my brother caused me and my parents is something that I must live with. If I were to ever see him again in the after life, my first impulse would be to slap his face. I would have done anything for him, as would my parents. I will never understand why he chose this path to alleviate his own pain and dumped it on those around him. Please find another way to live, if only so that you don’t irreparably harm those that care about you.