Anonymous
Post 02/28/2019 09:07     Subject: Wives, how often is perfect for you in terms of sex frequency?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Lots of low/high incompatibility in this thread; seems a shame.


I have a hypothesis that marriage causes small imbalances to be large ones. Being the lower libido one means that you'll be the recipient of at least occasional unwanted advances. At first, it's no big deal -- the imbalance isn't that big, so the unwanted advance isn't that frequent. But, it makes you just a little less likely to want sex -- that leads to a greater frequency of times when the advance is unwanted. And it snowballs. You don't initiate because eventually there is no time to recharge your battery. The resentments grow.

On the high libido side, at first the rejections are no big deal. There's always tomorrow night. But then the rejections accumulate -- you start being unsure about when you'll be able to have sex again. That makes you want it more. Acceptance of your sexual advances become intertwined with your feelings about whether your spouse loves you, finds you attractive, etc. Then you notice she never initiates -- that's proof that she doesn't find you attractive. Your sexual initiations become more tentative -- nonsexual interactions become less loving. That leads to less and less sex. And on and on.

So, what started as mildly mismatched libidos become wildly mismatched libidos.


Wow, you have perfectly described what happened in our marriage. It's spiraling down, not sure my wife realizes how bad but I don't know if we have a future together.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2019 08:55     Subject: Wives, how often is perfect for you in terms of sex frequency?
Anonymous wrote:Lots of low/high incompatibility in this thread; seems a shame.


I have a hypothesis that marriage causes small imbalances to be large ones. Being the lower libido one means that you'll be the recipient of at least occasional unwanted advances. At first, it's no big deal -- the imbalance isn't that big, so the unwanted advance isn't that frequent. But, it makes you just a little less likely to want sex -- that leads to a greater frequency of times when the advance is unwanted. And it snowballs. You don't initiate because eventually there is no time to recharge your battery. The resentments grow.

On the high libido side, at first the rejections are no big deal. There's always tomorrow night. But then the rejections accumulate -- you start being unsure about when you'll be able to have sex again. That makes you want it more. Acceptance of your sexual advances become intertwined with your feelings about whether your spouse loves you, finds you attractive, etc. Then you notice she never initiates -- that's proof that she doesn't find you attractive. Your sexual initiations become more tentative -- nonsexual interactions become less loving. That leads to less and less sex. And on and on.

So, what started as mildly mismatched libidos become wildly mismatched libidos.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2019 06:02     Subject: Wives, how often is perfect for you in terms of sex frequency?
Lots of low/high incompatibility in this thread; seems a shame.

I'm low drive, my ex was high drive and it was part of the reason for divorce. I knew it was a problem before the wedding, but I figured I was in the wrong and should just fill his needs. Wish I had been comfortable enough to say, this is me, take it or leave it. He would have left and we both would have been better off.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2019 05:46     Subject: Wives, how often is perfect for you in terms of sex frequency?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
If he's abusive why would you have sex? I'd be saving for the big "move out day". Yes there are options - he can change or use his 2 hands.

The REAL question here, and one that you ladies keep stepping right over, is why are you married to an abusive jerk? DIVORCE HIM!

(... but, I have to say it, because this is an important thing to keep in mind... if you choose to stay married and sexless, your marriage is open).


If we're not having sex much and he goes looking elsewhere, the not much becomes none at all. How do I know what he's been exposed to?
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2019 04:56     Subject: Wives, how often is perfect for you in terms of sex frequency?
When I feel like it, which is often enough. This he average interval is probably between 2-3 days. We've been together since 1997, married in 1998.
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2019 17:05     Subject: Re:Wives, how often is perfect for you in terms of sex frequency?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I was fine with once a week or so but my DH was good for at least 2-3 times a week. About a year ago he showed up in bed with a few toys, which was a big surprise, and they have worked so well that I now love it 2-3 times a week.


I bought a few toys once and my wife felt like they were me pressuring her to have more sex. So that backfired like pretty much everything else.


I’m sorry.


The toys my DH showed up with were for me to have more pleasure and it worked with me then being the one who wanted to increase frequency. I’m sure he was happy about that as well.
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2019 16:58     Subject: Wives, how often is perfect for you in terms of sex frequency?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Once a week was great for me, 1 kid, 41 yrs. That's enough time for my energy to build up and have multiple orgasms. However DH being an emotionally/borderline physically abusive jerk destroyed my ability to have sex with him.

If he's not your ex husband, it can only mean you have an an open marriage. Because those are your only options.


He could be nicer to me.


If he's abusive why would you have sex? I'd be saving for the big "move out day". Yes there are options - he can change or use his 2 hands.

The REAL question here, and one that you ladies keep stepping right over, is why are you married to an abusive jerk? DIVORCE HIM!

(... but, I have to say it, because this is an important thing to keep in mind... if you choose to stay married and sexless, your marriage is open).


DP So - serious question, if I put out and receive no emotional intimacy, is my marriage open to an emotional affair?


Have you made it clear, in unambiguous actionable and measurable terms, exactly what emotional intimacy you need from him? And your needs are reasonable? And your relationship has a long history of him meeting (perhaps even sharing) those very needs? Yet he refuses to meet your needs?

Yes: you are justified to tell him the marriage is open for your emotional affair.


Like doing something without kids, not involving TV more than every 5 years -- is that being unreasonable?


NP here, but I would like someone to talk about the future with, fantasize about what we will do after the kids leave, save some money for a cabin on a lake, etc. I feel like we used to do that all of the time before we got married. I remember we spent months planning our honeymoon.


Yep that too. Cooking weekend meals together or working together in the yard. Instead he comes home watches TV and wants to do it. Anything else is like pulling a tree out of the ground by its leaves.


Advice to the previous 2 PPs:

You are the one who wants to talk/fantasize/save money/cook meals/yardwork/whatever, so it's on you to plan these activities, create the conditions where he would want to participate, and invite your husband. If he rejects often, then you call him out on this. Find out why he's rejecting. Tell him it's very important to you. Let him know that his rejections make you not want to do things that he enjoys most (like sex). Make it a relationship dealbreaker. If he doesn't come around, divorce him.

This is exactly the advice I'd give a man whose wife did not want sex with him.


Thank you for saying this. I have seen this advice given for sexless marriages and agreed with it. But when I think of applying it to my situation of planning for the future with my husband, it seems futile. I now understand what men are talking about when they say they want their wives to want to have sex, or there is really no point. The idea of telling my husband that he has to talk about his hopes and dreams on pain of divorce just seems pathetic at beat.
So thank you for giving me some empathy and opening my eyes a little.
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2019 16:21     Subject: Re:Wives, how often is perfect for you in terms of sex frequency?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I was fine with once a week or so but my DH was good for at least 2-3 times a week. About a year ago he showed up in bed with a few toys, which was a big surprise, and they have worked so well that I now love it 2-3 times a week.


I bought a few toys once and my wife felt like they were me pressuring her to have more sex. So that backfired like pretty much everything else.


I’m sorry.
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2019 16:13     Subject: Wives, how often is perfect for you in terms of sex frequency?
Me and fiancé have sex 1-2 a week, usually on weekends, and are both happy with that. If he tried more, I’d be happy to. If I tried more, he’d be happy to. So it’s not a matter of either of us wanting more or not being satisfied. I think we both have matched libidos.
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2019 15:48     Subject: Re:Wives, how often is perfect for you in terms of sex frequency?
Anonymous wrote:I was fine with once a week or so but my DH was good for at least 2-3 times a week. About a year ago he showed up in bed with a few toys, which was a big surprise, and they have worked so well that I now love it 2-3 times a week.


I bought a few toys once and my wife felt like they were me pressuring her to have more sex. So that backfired like pretty much everything else.
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2019 15:17     Subject: Re:Wives, how often is perfect for you in terms of sex frequency?
I was fine with once a week or so but my DH was good for at least 2-3 times a week. About a year ago he showed up in bed with a few toys, which was a big surprise, and they have worked so well that I now love it 2-3 times a week.
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2019 14:49     Subject: Re:Wives, how often is perfect for you in terms of sex frequency?
I could go daily or more often than that but life interferes so I settle with 3-4 x/during the work week and more often on weekends. I have a high libido and my husband isn't really enough to satisfy me unfortunately. But I won't stray so take care of myself in other ways.
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2019 14:37     Subject: Re:Wives, how often is perfect for you in terms of sex frequency?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Once per child.


OMG you're a pedo?????


I think she means once to conceive each child!


NP here. That has been pretty much my marriage. I am getting out (woman here).
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2019 11:58     Subject: Wives, how often is perfect for you in terms of sex frequency?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Whenever I read these threads I laugh (sadly) at how many people thinking that having sex in a marriage makes it good.


No, but how many sexless marriages are good?


The point is, people here equate good marriage only with a couple having sex. BTW there are good marriages without sex. Some don't even share the same bedroom, but are great life partners.


Yes and they endure. What works for one may not for another.

Good marriages are made up of many aspects that work. Sex doesn't carry the entire relationship unless you are immature. If you believe sex is everything it's much easier to stay single and date. All about choices.


Nice strawman attempt. Nobody here has ever said that "sex carries the entire relationship"! What has been said (and is totally true) is that low sex will usually end a marriage and/or result in the normal/high drive partner going elsewhere. If you believe that a sexless marriage is possible, better marry an asexual or just stay single and date.
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2019 11:41     Subject: Wives, how often is perfect for you in terms of sex frequency?
3 times per week. Almost 50.