Anonymous
02/22/2019 20:46
Subject: Re:Why doesn't my attractive daughter have any boys that like her?
I recently spent time with a high school friend of mine. We’re in our late 30’s and married. We had a couple of glasses of wine and dug our our old yearbooks. As we were flipping through, we kept saying “wow, so-and-so was so pretty”. To our grown-up eyes, the girls who got a lot of attention from boys and many of the girls who didn’t date at all were no different in terms of physical attractiveness, niceness, good grades, etc. It comes down to a comfort level and natural flirtatiousness. I always had boyfriends; my friend didn’t have a boyfriend until college. I had sex in high school; she had a few kisses. I always gravitated toward boys as friends as early as preschool; she gravitated toward and stuck with a wide variety of female friends. It’s not about being pretty and having an awesome personality. It’s somewhat innate. My mom definitely didn’t push me to be interested in boys, in fact I suspect she would have preferred that I focused on other things. I also think there is a huge variation in sexual desire in teens that is often not discussed. I was constantly horny and boy crazy starting in puberty, so I courted attention. My friend liked boys and thought they were cute, but didn’t feel overwhelming desire until she was an adult in real love with a man.
Anonymous
02/22/2019 20:03
Subject: Re:Why doesn't my attractive daughter have any boys that like her?
To the long pp above.
Kids of 14 may or may not have crushes and/or “date”. When your DD comes to you about this as an issue, the best response at this age is to sympathize sure but to guide her away from focusing on her single status and to build up her self esteem. Do not wallow with her and certainly don’t let her think that there is anything missing in her life.
The kid’s behavior seems totally normal. The Mom’s response seems over the top to me and not conducive in the long run to building a healthy view of herself.
Kids of 14 may or may not have crushes and/or “date”. When your DD comes to you about this as an issue, the best response at this age is to sympathize sure but to guide her away from focusing on her single status and to build up her self esteem. Do not wallow with her and certainly don’t let her think that there is anything missing in her life.
The kid’s behavior seems totally normal. The Mom’s response seems over the top to me and not conducive in the long run to building a healthy view of herself.
Anonymous
02/22/2019 13:27
Subject: Why doesn't my attractive daughter have any boys that like her?
I generally agree with what the long post PP said but lots of kids are not mature enough to manage it all. For every HS valedictorian with an active dating life, there is another smart girl who got too distracted with romance and the associated drama to focus on school. So, no, it doesn't mean that how much they date in MS/HS determines their future, but some kids can derail their future a bit. They can recover but that doesn't always happen immediately.
Anonymous
02/21/2019 20:53
Subject: Re:Why doesn't my attractive daughter have any boys that like her?
Anonymous wrote:This thread may win out for the biggest dumpster fire on DCUM this year.
1) OP isn't trying to set her DD up with anyone. Nor trying to pressure her to do anything. OP is just expressing that her DD is sad because boys don't like her. I'm sure that a million pages of diaries across the globe (and time) reflect a similar lament from a variety of teens (attractive and not). Her kid is sad; she would like to help. DCUM reaction: what a terrible mother.
2) What bizzaro world have we slipped into that apparently nobody's kids have even considered the concept of dating? I don't think the underlying biological principles have changed in the not quite two decades, since I was in Junior High. I assure you, your 14 year old boy has thought about girls (or boys or gender non-conforming individuals as the appropriate case maybe). And yeah, they probably are more interested in Fortnite or there rec team, because they are probably clueless (and anxious) about what to do if they actually were trying to engage in some relationship activity (asking for a date, first kiss, etc.). Have you forgotten the horrible torture of 14? Quick recap- AAAH, where do my hands go? Wait, why my palms wet? OH GOD OH GOD. Are you talking to me? LIPS. And we're back. Sure, some kids didn't date because of parents or lack of interest. But the vast, vast majority of people had at least some awkward crushes. Maybe that meant that you "dated" or "went out" with somebody, but even then very few of those relationships involved actual dates. Where I lived that I would have required organizing transportation, and most of kids would have rather died (in the parlance of the time) than talk with parents about a crush. Have schools in this area really stopped holding dances for the under high school set?
3) Why all the finger-wagging about liking boys (or girls) prior to being accepted to an elite graduate school program? I know that DCUM is all about ribbon and trophy collecting, but are you really saying that kids need to train so hard for swim team, marching band, choir, model UN, whatever, that they can't hold hands at the movies or sway slightly (on or off the beat according to their musical ability) to a slow song once every three months? Is there no room for anything that doesn't appear on a college transcript or a professional bio? (Ms. Smith is married to Roger, her husband of 14 years. They have 2.5 children and a lovely golden doodle rescue.) I'm not saying that anyone should push for a kid to date, but it seems like nature does a decent job of letting folks know when they're ready for this particular extracurricular activity. And that parents role shouldn't be to shame them because they are too young (or because they want grandchildren), but rather to help keep the raft off the rocks by teaching them about things like consent, safety, etc.
4) To the middle school teacher that feels free to generalize about kids future based upon thier 8th grade love lives- I went on my last first date at 15. Our college and graduate degrees are from schools in different states and that are from places that soothe even DCUM-level class anxiety. Dating earlier doesn't mean that you are bound to become a fry cook, any more than dating late means that you are going to be successful and happy.
Not OP, but thank you.
Anonymous
02/21/2019 16:44
Subject: Re:Why doesn't my attractive daughter have any boys that like her?
This thread may win out for the biggest dumpster fire on DCUM this year.
1) OP isn't trying to set her DD up with anyone. Nor trying to pressure her to do anything. OP is just expressing that her DD is sad because boys don't like her. I'm sure that a million pages of diaries across the globe (and time) reflect a similar lament from a variety of teens (attractive and not). Her kid is sad; she would like to help. DCUM reaction: what a terrible mother.
2) What bizzaro world have we slipped into that apparently nobody's kids have even considered the concept of dating? I don't think the underlying biological principles have changed in the not quite two decades, since I was in Junior High. I assure you, your 14 year old boy has thought about girls (or boys or gender non-conforming individuals as the appropriate case maybe). And yeah, they probably are more interested in Fortnite or there rec team, because they are probably clueless (and anxious) about what to do if they actually were trying to engage in some relationship activity (asking for a date, first kiss, etc.). Have you forgotten the horrible torture of 14? Quick recap- AAAH, where do my hands go? Wait, why my palms wet? OH GOD OH GOD. Are you talking to me? LIPS. And we're back. Sure, some kids didn't date because of parents or lack of interest. But the vast, vast majority of people had at least some awkward crushes. Maybe that meant that you "dated" or "went out" with somebody, but even then very few of those relationships involved actual dates. Where I lived that I would have required organizing transportation, and most of kids would have rather died (in the parlance of the time) than talk with parents about a crush. Have schools in this area really stopped holding dances for the under high school set?
3) Why all the finger-wagging about liking boys (or girls) prior to being accepted to an elite graduate school program? I know that DCUM is all about ribbon and trophy collecting, but are you really saying that kids need to train so hard for swim team, marching band, choir, model UN, whatever, that they can't hold hands at the movies or sway slightly (on or off the beat according to their musical ability) to a slow song once every three months? Is there no room for anything that doesn't appear on a college transcript or a professional bio? (Ms. Smith is married to Roger, her husband of 14 years. They have 2.5 children and a lovely golden doodle rescue.) I'm not saying that anyone should push for a kid to date, but it seems like nature does a decent job of letting folks know when they're ready for this particular extracurricular activity. And that parents role shouldn't be to shame them because they are too young (or because they want grandchildren), but rather to help keep the raft off the rocks by teaching them about things like consent, safety, etc.
4) To the middle school teacher that feels free to generalize about kids future based upon thier 8th grade love lives- I went on my last first date at 15. Our college and graduate degrees are from schools in different states and that are from places that soothe even DCUM-level class anxiety. Dating earlier doesn't mean that you are bound to become a fry cook, any more than dating late means that you are going to be successful and happy.
1) OP isn't trying to set her DD up with anyone. Nor trying to pressure her to do anything. OP is just expressing that her DD is sad because boys don't like her. I'm sure that a million pages of diaries across the globe (and time) reflect a similar lament from a variety of teens (attractive and not). Her kid is sad; she would like to help. DCUM reaction: what a terrible mother.
2) What bizzaro world have we slipped into that apparently nobody's kids have even considered the concept of dating? I don't think the underlying biological principles have changed in the not quite two decades, since I was in Junior High. I assure you, your 14 year old boy has thought about girls (or boys or gender non-conforming individuals as the appropriate case maybe). And yeah, they probably are more interested in Fortnite or there rec team, because they are probably clueless (and anxious) about what to do if they actually were trying to engage in some relationship activity (asking for a date, first kiss, etc.). Have you forgotten the horrible torture of 14? Quick recap- AAAH, where do my hands go? Wait, why my palms wet? OH GOD OH GOD. Are you talking to me? LIPS. And we're back. Sure, some kids didn't date because of parents or lack of interest. But the vast, vast majority of people had at least some awkward crushes. Maybe that meant that you "dated" or "went out" with somebody, but even then very few of those relationships involved actual dates. Where I lived that I would have required organizing transportation, and most of kids would have rather died (in the parlance of the time) than talk with parents about a crush. Have schools in this area really stopped holding dances for the under high school set?
3) Why all the finger-wagging about liking boys (or girls) prior to being accepted to an elite graduate school program? I know that DCUM is all about ribbon and trophy collecting, but are you really saying that kids need to train so hard for swim team, marching band, choir, model UN, whatever, that they can't hold hands at the movies or sway slightly (on or off the beat according to their musical ability) to a slow song once every three months? Is there no room for anything that doesn't appear on a college transcript or a professional bio? (Ms. Smith is married to Roger, her husband of 14 years. They have 2.5 children and a lovely golden doodle rescue.) I'm not saying that anyone should push for a kid to date, but it seems like nature does a decent job of letting folks know when they're ready for this particular extracurricular activity. And that parents role shouldn't be to shame them because they are too young (or because they want grandchildren), but rather to help keep the raft off the rocks by teaching them about things like consent, safety, etc.
4) To the middle school teacher that feels free to generalize about kids future based upon thier 8th grade love lives- I went on my last first date at 15. Our college and graduate degrees are from schools in different states and that are from places that soothe even DCUM-level class anxiety. Dating earlier doesn't mean that you are bound to become a fry cook, any more than dating late means that you are going to be successful and happy.
Anonymous
02/21/2019 15:06
Subject: Re:Why doesn't my attractive daughter have any boys that like her?
Very interesting how all dcum posters have self-described gorgeous daughters, none of whom have boyfriends. Very believable. Most girls are attractive in their teens, so good looks alone are not going to matter much.
My dd is 14. Kids call each other boyfriend and girlfriend but mostly just text or chat with one another. Maybe go to a movie every few weeks. This is in the Baltimore single sex private school world. More intense relationships seem more common in the coed schools, where kids started “dating” in fourth or fifth grade.
Definitely work on getting your daughter to not base her self confidence on whether she has a boyfriend.
My dd is 14. Kids call each other boyfriend and girlfriend but mostly just text or chat with one another. Maybe go to a movie every few weeks. This is in the Baltimore single sex private school world. More intense relationships seem more common in the coed schools, where kids started “dating” in fourth or fifth grade.
Definitely work on getting your daughter to not base her self confidence on whether she has a boyfriend.
Anonymous
02/20/2019 16:51
Subject: Re:Why doesn't my attractive daughter have any boys that like her?
Of course op shouldn’t be putting ideas into her daughter’s head about boys but it’s perfectly normal for some children of both sexes to think a lot about and even pine for a relationship (yes, in a silly and unrealistic adolescent way.) The range of normal is wide and it’s very possible op is just distressed by her daughter’s distress. Having said that, it’s your daughter’s life and angst and disappointment are not avoidable. Just listen, be supportive, and otherwise butt out.
Anonymous
02/20/2019 15:33
Subject: Why doesn't my attractive daughter have any boys that like her?
OP, tell your DD that boys are clueless at this age. I love them, have three of them and am married to another, but they are clueless.
My 14-year-old son is playing an online game right now with four other boys and their *entire* conversation is sports and video games and trash-talking each other. They do not really talk about girls, even though this is a crowd with a lot of female friends at school.
One of his buddies does have a gf, but she's technically not allowed to date so they just sit together at lunch.
Agree with the parents of DD's here that your daughter can just live her best life and not worry about boys right now. Does she like herself as a person, a peer, a classmate and a friend? That's all that counts.
My 14-year-old son is playing an online game right now with four other boys and their *entire* conversation is sports and video games and trash-talking each other. They do not really talk about girls, even though this is a crowd with a lot of female friends at school.
One of his buddies does have a gf, but she's technically not allowed to date so they just sit together at lunch.
Agree with the parents of DD's here that your daughter can just live her best life and not worry about boys right now. Does she like herself as a person, a peer, a classmate and a friend? That's all that counts.
Anonymous
02/20/2019 14:04
Subject: Why doesn't my attractive daughter have any boys that like her?
Oh good grief, it’s role models, not roll models.
Anonymous
02/20/2019 13:06
Subject: Why doesn't my attractive daughter have any boys that like her?
Sorry. We are books before Bros in this house. I am glad my teen does not go gaga over boys or care about them much. She had 1 crush but he went to a different school. Boys like my DD but it is not recipricol.
Anonymous
02/20/2019 05:11
Subject: Why doesn't my attractive daughter have any boys that like her?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What have you told her so far about boys liking her? Have you told her that it doesn’t matter in the least because she should not look to them for validation? That she is to young to date? That her focus should be on school and being kind to herself and others?
What kind of female roll models does she have in her life? Ones that focus on looks and pleasing their husbands/boyfriends?
This, +10000.
+ 1. Well said.
Anonymous
02/20/2019 05:10
Subject: Why doesn't my attractive daughter have any boys that like her?
This thread is ridiculous. OP, please do your daughter a favor and stop obsessing about her “finding a boyfriend.” You are reinforcing a TERRIBLE message that she’s nothing if a boy doesn’t like her. OMG. If she’s feeling insecure, guarantee it’s because of YOU.
Anonymous
02/20/2019 05:08
Subject: Why doesn't my attractive daughter have any boys that like her?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My 17 DD is gorgeous and brilliant and has not really had a boyfriend. I think she intimidates the boys. I look forward to her meeting some more confident boys in college. Also I believe she is not into sex or drugs/drinking which impacts her popularity.
Wow, there is an astounding amount of delusion in your post.
Eh, I don't know. I know a lot or late bloomers that fit this mold. Maybe not that they all intimidated boys but that weren't the hot girl until maybe senior year and so her interests and friend group just continued on the same, plenty of groups of kids feel just under the radar enough to not be into parties with the say 100 most popular kids, those kids hang with their own groups. Some are into sex and drugs but many are just kind of coasting
DP here. My 21 year old is gorgeous, brilliant and gets a lot of male attention. She has dated very casually and knows what she wants but she has not found someone who she wants to be with. She is choosy and she is also not into casual sex, drugs etc. She is very popular (I think her guy pals hang with her in the hope that she will one day change her mind). She is at a school that does not have greek life or too many parties so she is not bombarded with the pressure to hook up with someone.
She has friends who are into casual hookups, she is not. I think she is the winner in all of this and I am proud of her. We are a liberal family so if she is gay or wants to be with someone from another race or religion we would be fine and my kids know that.
Would she tell me if she was with someone. Yes. Considering, I am privy to details of which friend is hooking up with the professor, who is taking drugs, who is on Tinder, who is cheating..and which guy asked her out...I am pretty sure there will be open communication.
Anonymous
02/20/2019 05:05
Subject: Why doesn't my attractive daughter have any boys that like her?
Anonymous wrote:What have you told her so far about boys liking her? Have you told her that it doesn’t matter in the least because she should not look to them for validation? That she is to young to date? That her focus should be on school and being kind to herself and others?
What kind of female roll models does she have in her life? Ones that focus on looks and pleasing their husbands/boyfriends?
This, +10000.
Anonymous
02/20/2019 04:59
Subject: Re:Why doesn't my attractive daughter have any boys that like her?
..maybe because you are a crazy parent?