Anonymous
02/02/2019 17:55
Subject: Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?
Sometimes kids get singled out for basically no reason...and then it sticks. It sticks because kids are worried that associating with the target will make them a target, but it also sticks because the target starts acting differently/often too desperately.
I think you’ve gotten good advice so far on how to break the cycle: 1) activities — pick some, especially some outside school or that have interaction with folks outside school; I made some of my best friends through debate, both on my team and among my competitors; 2) sleepaway camp — go meet entirely different people who have no idea that she’s a target/isn’t a “cool” person to be friends with; if it works, it will help her confidence in the school setting too; and 3) consider switching schools or, if that’s not an option, whether you can at least send her to a HS that her current school isn’t three main feeder for.
I think you’ve gotten good advice so far on how to break the cycle: 1) activities — pick some, especially some outside school or that have interaction with folks outside school; I made some of my best friends through debate, both on my team and among my competitors; 2) sleepaway camp — go meet entirely different people who have no idea that she’s a target/isn’t a “cool” person to be friends with; if it works, it will help her confidence in the school setting too; and 3) consider switching schools or, if that’s not an option, whether you can at least send her to a HS that her current school isn’t three main feeder for.
Anonymous
02/02/2019 17:52
Subject: Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Volunteer at school and hang in the background, and discreetly observe.
Also ask the teacher for a conference and ask her ahead of time to observe the social dynamics in class so she can tell you what she observes.
What I’ve noticed is that sometimes kids get labeled unlikable and it can stick in a smaller school. I thinks it’s sort of like bullying but subtle.
Does your dd do unsocial things like read a book instead of chatting during school or at lunch? Or does she unknowingly say rude or hurtful things? Or is she the type that complains and doesn’t go along with others?
Do NOT do the bolded in middle school. Please.
The teens notice their classmates who always have their parents at school, and openly feel sorry for them. If your kid is awkward or having trouble with friends, don't be that mom.
Show up for the parent events (concerts, etc). Do not volunteer at school.
NP here - I have consistently volunteered at my son's high school now for 3 years. It is the most loving thing you can do for a child!
You are wrong.
The kids do not want their parents hanging out at their school during the teen years. That is there space.
Volunteer for the normal teen parent stuff: sports boosters, career day, taking tickets at the musical, band boosters.
Do not volunteer at the school in the classrooms. Your kid does not want you there. That is their world. It is embarrassing, not loving to volunteer during the day at your kids middle school or high school. You went to high school and middle school already. Please don't be that mom. They don't see it as loving. They see it as an embarrassing intrusion.
Agree. Even if they don't see it that way, you're acting as a security blanket way past the age when they should be experiencing autonomy.
If you're thinking, no I'm not being a security blanket! Ask yourself why you consider it so loving then.
Anonymous
02/02/2019 17:52
Subject: Re:Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?
OP, I feel for your DD and respect that you see the issue and are trying to help.
I was this kid, and I would say. If she's been in the same school/with the same group for years, seriously consider finding a new school for next year. Once you get rejected for years by your peers it tears down your confidence and turns you into the weird kid because you are constantly expecting kids to be mean to you. I would couple that change with individual counseling and a social skills group starting now, so that she can go into her new environment feeling confident. I would also look for some summer camps that really emphasis social skills/kindness. I'm not in the DC area anymore. Where I'm living now, I know exactly the hippie camp and progressive school I would send my daughter to if she was struggling. Neither is perfect, but they both really focus on getting the kids to be kind and inclusive. I hope this helps!
I was this kid, and I would say. If she's been in the same school/with the same group for years, seriously consider finding a new school for next year. Once you get rejected for years by your peers it tears down your confidence and turns you into the weird kid because you are constantly expecting kids to be mean to you. I would couple that change with individual counseling and a social skills group starting now, so that she can go into her new environment feeling confident. I would also look for some summer camps that really emphasis social skills/kindness. I'm not in the DC area anymore. Where I'm living now, I know exactly the hippie camp and progressive school I would send my daughter to if she was struggling. Neither is perfect, but they both really focus on getting the kids to be kind and inclusive. I hope this helps!
Anonymous
02/02/2019 17:52
Subject: Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, is DD’s father socially awkward?
Frankly, OP seems a bit socially awkward judging by her responses.
OP ignore this hateful person ^^^^^
Anonymous
02/02/2019 17:52
Subject: Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:When I was her age I had few, or sometimes none, friends. Sometimes it bothered me but most of the time it didn't. I didn't relate well to other girls my age and I enjoyed being alone. But not all the time. Sometimes I was unhappy because I didn't have anyone to sleep over or go to a movie with. It drove my mom nuts but she couldn't "fix" me.
In high school I was able to find one girl to be friends with, and that was enough for me. As an adult I made friends doing things I enjoyed and also parents of my kid's friends. But mostly I spent time with my husband and kids.
She'll be okay. She's just not typical, at this age.
Also, OP--your attempt to control what the commenters say on this thread is indicative of your style. Think about that. DCUM is what it is, you can't change it just by saying please.
Yes, but what does it hurt to try?
I guess it doesn't hurt to try, but leads to some serious disappointment (at the least) when it doesn't work. Kind of like trying to control your daughter's ability to make friends.
No, you’re right. Dipshits like you are all over the world, and I can’t control that. Sigh.
Dipshits? Sigh. For someone who is requesting civility you have turned fairly easily.
Anonymous
02/02/2019 17:50
Subject: Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?
Anonymous wrote:OP I posted before about changing schools for a similar reason. DD is an adult now and doing well with life and friends. She made good friends at the new school quote ... her friend “taught her what real friendship is...”
But then she got into an altercation with one of the teachers. He was very understanding and we talked it out.
Much later her good friend finally said “... how you react is not normal...” in the nicest possible way.
Being my only I had little to compare with. Later I thought what I saw as her sweet sincerity others saw as weakness and the wolves closed in. Then she lashed out.
It turns out she has a medical issue as well as a mood disorder (mild). She takes medication for it and her life very successful now. She learned how not to react and not to try hard to please. In other words more stable. Also she can’t do sports, so we stopped humiliating her by making her try. “You will make friends in sports!”
A problem of such long duration probably has something underlying somewhere. Get someone to help you both. Good luck and it can be solved. I hope this helped.
PP here. DH does this - what kind of mood disorder and what kind of treatment? Please and thank you!
Anonymous
02/02/2019 17:48
Subject: Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Volunteer at school and hang in the background, and discreetly observe.
Also ask the teacher for a conference and ask her ahead of time to observe the social dynamics in class so she can tell you what she observes.
What I’ve noticed is that sometimes kids get labeled unlikable and it can stick in a smaller school. I thinks it’s sort of like bullying but subtle.
Does your dd do unsocial things like read a book instead of chatting during school or at lunch? Or does she unknowingly say rude or hurtful things? Or is she the type that complains and doesn’t go along with others?
Do NOT do the bolded in middle school. Please.
The teens notice their classmates who always have their parents at school, and openly feel sorry for them. If your kid is awkward or having trouble with friends, don't be that mom.
Show up for the parent events (concerts, etc). Do not volunteer at school.
NP here - I have consistently volunteered at my son's high school now for 3 years. It is the most loving thing you can do for a child!
You are wrong.
The kids do not want their parents hanging out at their school during the teen years. That is there space.
Volunteer for the normal teen parent stuff: sports boosters, career day, taking tickets at the musical, band boosters.
Do not volunteer at the school in the classrooms. Your kid does not want you there. That is their world. It is embarrassing, not loving to volunteer during the day at your kids middle school or high school. You went to high school and middle school already. Please don't be that mom. They don't see it as loving. They see it as an embarrassing intrusion.
Anonymous
02/02/2019 17:45
Subject: Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:When I was her age I had few, or sometimes none, friends. Sometimes it bothered me but most of the time it didn't. I didn't relate well to other girls my age and I enjoyed being alone. But not all the time. Sometimes I was unhappy because I didn't have anyone to sleep over or go to a movie with. It drove my mom nuts but she couldn't "fix" me.
In high school I was able to find one girl to be friends with, and that was enough for me. As an adult I made friends doing things I enjoyed and also parents of my kid's friends. But mostly I spent time with my husband and kids.
She'll be okay. She's just not typical, at this age.
Also, OP--your attempt to control what the commenters say on this thread is indicative of your style. Think about that. DCUM is what it is, you can't change it just by saying please.
Yes, but what does it hurt to try?
I guess it doesn't hurt to try, but leads to some serious disappointment (at the least) when it doesn't work. Kind of like trying to control your daughter's ability to make friends.
No, you’re right. Dipshits like you are all over the world, and I can’t control that. Sigh.
Anonymous
02/02/2019 17:43
Subject: Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I haven't read every response - but I haven't seen you mention whether this is something that really bothers your daughter? I have a teenage son who is a little bit different and he's never had tons of friends. He always seems to find his tribe, but it's small and they don't tend to do tons (so fewer birthday parties or get-togethers.) I used to worry he was bullied until every single one of his middle school teachers reported that he was very social and seemed quite popular in class. But he is happy doing his own thing most of the time.
Moral of the story is that you never know how your kid is perceived by others and if it's not broke (e.g., if she's not actively unhappy) don't try to fix it.
Thank you for this response. For most of the years she did not seem bothered by the isolation. However as she ages, she has started noticing the constant rejection. She is depressed at times and cries frequently. What is most distressing is she gets so tired of trying, that she basically gives up and just 'exists' during the day.
She is not autistic or asbergers - this we know for certain. Also, she does not smell.
If she just sits there, the kids ignore her. If she tries to join in, they act disgusted or they ignore her. It's a no-win situation.
I'm fully aware (as some of the PPs have suggested) that this is all my fault. I 100% take blame for this situation.
The question is, how do I help this girl? I sincerely appreciate much of the constructive advice on this thread and plan to act on said advice.
It really sounds like she needs to change schools and find a new environment.
Anonymous
02/02/2019 17:40
Subject: Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:When I was her age I had few, or sometimes none, friends. Sometimes it bothered me but most of the time it didn't. I didn't relate well to other girls my age and I enjoyed being alone. But not all the time. Sometimes I was unhappy because I didn't have anyone to sleep over or go to a movie with. It drove my mom nuts but she couldn't "fix" me.
In high school I was able to find one girl to be friends with, and that was enough for me. As an adult I made friends doing things I enjoyed and also parents of my kid's friends. But mostly I spent time with my husband and kids.
She'll be okay. She's just not typical, at this age.
Also, OP--your attempt to control what the commenters say on this thread is indicative of your style. Think about that. DCUM is what it is, you can't change it just by saying please.
Yes, but what does it hurt to try?
I guess it doesn't hurt to try, but leads to some serious disappointment (at the least) when it doesn't work. Kind of like trying to control your daughter's ability to make friends.
Anonymous
02/02/2019 17:34
Subject: Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?
Anonymous wrote:OP, is DD’s father socially awkward?
Frankly, OP seems a bit socially awkward judging by her responses.
Anonymous
02/02/2019 17:20
Subject: Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?
OP, is DD’s father socially awkward?
Anonymous
02/02/2019 17:20
Subject: Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?
Lots of great advice here (though I'll admit I didn't read it all)! I agree with those encouraging an activity. Also, maybe your dd could look for some more naive spirits out there. My dd was iced out by some friends, I think because she was still naive. I love that she is naive. She was hurt at first, but then just strengthened acquaintances with other like minded nerds. She is at TPMS, so this might be a little easier there than other MSs.
If she is chatty and eager (like mine), kids concerned w/ popularity may shun her. I think your plan to sign he up for activities may help her find more like minded friends.
Also, have you thought about asking DD's teachers for their observations? Maybe they have witnessed something that might put other kids off. Mine sings all the time. All. The. Time. It's a bit annoying, and she has no clue. And, she's good, so the bossy types really don't like it because they are jealous. I've talked to her about pulling it back on the singing, and her friend group has grown.
If she is chatty and eager (like mine), kids concerned w/ popularity may shun her. I think your plan to sign he up for activities may help her find more like minded friends.
Also, have you thought about asking DD's teachers for their observations? Maybe they have witnessed something that might put other kids off. Mine sings all the time. All. The. Time. It's a bit annoying, and she has no clue. And, she's good, so the bossy types really don't like it because they are jealous. I've talked to her about pulling it back on the singing, and her friend group has grown.
Anonymous
02/02/2019 17:09
Subject: Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?
OP I posted before about changing schools for a similar reason. DD is an adult now and doing well with life and friends. She made good friends at the new school quote ... her friend “taught her what real friendship is...”
But then she got into an altercation with one of the teachers. He was very understanding and we talked it out.
Much later her good friend finally said “... how you react is not normal...” in the nicest possible way.
Being my only I had little to compare with. Later I thought what I saw as her sweet sincerity others saw as weakness and the wolves closed in. Then she lashed out.
It turns out she has a medical issue as well as a mood disorder (mild). She takes medication for it and her life very successful now. She learned how not to react and not to try hard to please. In other words more stable. Also she can’t do sports, so we stopped humiliating her by making her try. “You will make friends in sports!”
A problem of such long duration probably has something underlying somewhere. Get someone to help you both. Good luck and it can be solved. I hope this helped.
But then she got into an altercation with one of the teachers. He was very understanding and we talked it out.
Much later her good friend finally said “... how you react is not normal...” in the nicest possible way.
Being my only I had little to compare with. Later I thought what I saw as her sweet sincerity others saw as weakness and the wolves closed in. Then she lashed out.
It turns out she has a medical issue as well as a mood disorder (mild). She takes medication for it and her life very successful now. She learned how not to react and not to try hard to please. In other words more stable. Also she can’t do sports, so we stopped humiliating her by making her try. “You will make friends in sports!”
A problem of such long duration probably has something underlying somewhere. Get someone to help you both. Good luck and it can be solved. I hope this helped.
Anonymous
02/02/2019 16:57
Subject: Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?
Anonymous wrote:When I was her age I had few, or sometimes none, friends. Sometimes it bothered me but most of the time it didn't. I didn't relate well to other girls my age and I enjoyed being alone. But not all the time. Sometimes I was unhappy because I didn't have anyone to sleep over or go to a movie with. It drove my mom nuts but she couldn't "fix" me.
In high school I was able to find one girl to be friends with, and that was enough for me. As an adult I made friends doing things I enjoyed and also parents of my kid's friends. But mostly I spent time with my husband and kids.
She'll be okay. She's just not typical, at this age.
Also, OP--your attempt to control what the commenters say on this thread is indicative of your style. Think about that. DCUM is what it is, you can't change it just by saying please.
Yes, but what does it hurt to try?