We live in the same metro area as SIL. MIL lives 2 hours north. She has to pass our exit to get to SIL. I can't tell you the number of times she has skipped seeing us entirely or done just a drive by after spending all day with SIL.

Saturday was DS's 2nd birthday. MIL wanted to come. We said okay. Friday night she changed her mind because SIL's son is at his dad's. God forbid she come see my kid without seeing the other grandchild.

For us, it's much more of a proximity question. My brothers (2) and their families live in the same city as my parents. I (the only daughter) have always lived at least a flight away. My parents are amazing grandparents to my children, but may feel a bit closer to my nieces and nephews, whom live within 30 minutes.

The only question my MIL (or FIL) has asked me in recent memory was, “What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?” For some readon I can’t fully pin down, I find that very annoying. It was both too personal and not at all personal at the same time, and it felt like the only acceptable answer would be “family,” of course.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL has been disengaged from my kids for 17 years. When she visits she wants to be waited on, which drove me crazy when I was WFT with two toddlers.

My parents, OTOH, know everything about my kids, have invested significant physical and emotional time with them, and have always pitched in when they come to visit.

It’s like night and day. It’s interesting to see my now teenagers recognize how little investment my MIL...and BIL..have made in them. They love my husband but it hasn’t trickled down in the slightest to our kids or me.

Interesting side note: I have a family friend in his early 70s who has been a marriage counselor for 35 years. He said that most in-laws don’t ask the spouse any questions.

My goal is to do better for my kids.

I want more insight from that experienced counselor! Other nuggets?

We don’t talk “shop” much but he also said most divorces aren’t “mutual”. He said 99% of the time one partber is pushing for it while the other partner is “leaning in”.

I can’t remember the last time my in-laws asked me anything about myself. I’m just the baby incubator I guess. Never asked me how my pregnancies were either. Dhs sister got married last year and they ask my new Bil all sorts of questions and just gush about him and his job. They also warmly hug his parents whereas they refuse to be in the same room as my parents (mine are nice and normal).

Quote: “NP. Um, if my MIL ever handed me her laundry or ironing during a visit, I wouldn't take them. I'd say, "Oh, please put those on the folding board down in the laundry room. Jim will help you with that when he gets home." And while I WOH, I would have said the same thing as a SAH. If she was ill or infirm in some way, that would be a different story. But if she was able-bodied and just wanted me to do it for her, no way.

And if you did, in fact, take the laundry from her and did the ironing, why? You wrote her a permission slip for bad behavior. You teach people how to treat you.”

I never said I did her laundry. I did exactly what you described but she’s relentless. It took anout 15 years before she stopped handing it to me!

But, way to preach lol

Anonymous wrote:Well kids are blood, wives aren’t.

Yeah, but my parents aren't blood to my husband and they have always gone above and beyond to treat him as a son. Same with many of my friends and their husbands. ILs just suck toward DILs. It's statistically true. Sucks to be a DIL in this society.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL has been disengaged from my kids for 17 years. When she visits she wants to be waited on, which drove me crazy when I was WFT with two toddlers.

My parents, OTOH, know everything about my kids, have invested significant physical and emotional time with them, and have always pitched in when they come to visit.

It’s like night and day. It’s interesting to see my now teenagers recognize how little investment my MIL...and BIL..have made in them. They love my husband but it hasn’t trickled down in the slightest to our kids or me.

Interesting side note: I have a family friend in his early 70s who has been a marriage counselor for 35 years. He said that most in-laws don’t ask the spouse any questions.

My goal is to do better for my kids.

My parents are dead but when my in laws visit, they are guests, not maids. If my parents were alive, I would also treat them as guests, no to free maid service.

And how exactly would you do it working full time and with 2 toddlers at home? Take a vacation to be their waitress?

I’m first the poster. I certainly never expected my parents to be a maid service. We have a maid and actually outsource a lot. But, my MIL would literally hand me her laundry or ironing as I walked in the door from work with two toddlers. This was after she spent the day chilling out at home. It was very bizarre to be. In my mind, family helps each other, connects with them, etc. My MIL is similar at her brother’s house—so much so that his wife leaves town when she arrives because she’s so much work. Maybe if her company was amaxing we’d all be wiling to see past it but she’s judgemental and critical on top of it so we don’t.
Work

NP. Um, if my MIL ever handed me her laundry or ironing during a visit, I wouldn't take them. I'd say, "Oh, please put those on the folding board down in the laundry room. Jim will help you with that when he gets home." And while I WOH, I would have said the same thing as a SAH. If she was ill or infirm in some way, that would be a different story. But if she was able-bodied and just wanted me to do it for her, no way.

And if you did, in fact, take the laundry from her and did the ironing, why? You wrote her a permission slip for bad behavior. You teach people how to treat you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL has been disengaged from my kids for 17 years. When she visits she wants to be waited on, which drove me crazy when I was WFT with two toddlers.

My parents, OTOH, know everything about my kids, have invested significant physical and emotional time with them, and have always pitched in when they come to visit.

It’s like night and day. It’s interesting to see my now teenagers recognize how little investment my MIL...and BIL..have made in them. They love my husband but it hasn’t trickled down in the slightest to our kids or me.

Interesting side note: I have a family friend in his early 70s who has been a marriage counselor for 35 years. He said that most in-laws don’t ask the spouse any questions.

My goal is to do better for my kids.

My parents are dead but when my in laws visit, they are guests, not maids. If my parents were alive, I would also treat them as guests, no to free maid service.

And how exactly would you do it working full time and with 2 toddlers at home? Take a vacation to be their waitress?

I’m first the poster. I certainly never expected my parents to be a maid service. We have a maid and actually outsource a lot. But, my MIL would literally hand me her laundry or ironing as I walked in the door from work with two toddlers. This was after she spent the day chilling out at home. It was very bizarre to be. In my mind, family helps each other, connects with them, etc. My MIL is similar at her brother’s house—so much so that his wife leaves town when she arrives because she’s so much work. Maybe if her company was amaxing we’d all be wiling to see past it but she’s judgemental and critical on top of it so we don’t.
Work

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL has been disengaged from my kids for 17 years. When she visits she wants to be waited on, which drove me crazy when I was WFT with two toddlers.

My parents, OTOH, know everything about my kids, have invested significant physical and emotional time with them, and have always pitched in when they come to visit.

It’s like night and day. It’s interesting to see my now teenagers recognize how little investment my MIL...and BIL..have made in them. They love my husband but it hasn’t trickled down in the slightest to our kids or me.

Interesting side note: I have a family friend in his early 70s who has been a marriage counselor for 35 years. He said that most in-laws don’t ask the spouse any questions.

My goal is to do better for my kids.

My parents are dead but when my in laws visit, they are guests, not maids. If my parents were alive, I would also treat them as guests, no to free maid service.

And how exactly would you do it working full time and with 2 toddlers at home? Take a vacation to be their waitress?

I'm a father. My parents are very close to my kids and my brother's kids. Not so much with my sister's daughter. But we had unusual circumstances.

Anonymous wrote:My MIL has been disengaged from my kids for 17 years. When she visits she wants to be waited on, which drove me crazy when I was WFT with two toddlers.

My parents, OTOH, know everything about my kids, have invested significant physical and emotional time with them, and have always pitched in when they come to visit.

It’s like night and day. It’s interesting to see my now teenagers recognize how little investment my MIL...and BIL..have made in them. They love my husband but it hasn’t trickled down in the slightest to our kids or me.

Interesting side note: I have a family friend in his early 70s who has been a marriage counselor for 35 years. He said that most in-laws don’t ask the spouse any questions.

My goal is to do better for my kids.

My parents are dead but when my in laws visit, they are guests, not maids. If my parents were alive, I would also treat them as guests, no to free maid service.

Anonymous wrote:My MIL has been disengaged from my kids for 17 years. When she visits she wants to be waited on, which drove me crazy when I was WFT with two toddlers.

My parents, OTOH, know everything about my kids, have invested significant physical and emotional time with them, and have always pitched in when they come to visit.

It’s like night and day. It’s interesting to see my now teenagers recognize how little investment my MIL...and BIL..have made in them. They love my husband but it hasn’t trickled down in the slightest to our kids or me.

Interesting side note: I have a family friend in his early 70s who has been a marriage counselor for 35 years. He said that most in-laws don’t ask the spouse any questions.

My goal is to do better for my kids.

I want more insight from that experienced counselor! Other nuggets?

Anonymous wrote:Generally true but that's because the daughter/mother/parents relationship is often closer than son/parents. My dh is close with his family and they are lovely. We try to be fair but everyone recognizes that my mother and parents spend more time with their grandkid because I know them better and trust their parenting more. We really try to be fair but it just is. I have seen the opposite though.

What a Smug selfish point of view. *you* know them better and *you* trust them more. Does your husband’s knowledge of and trust in his parents enter into your little equation at all?

My MIL has been disengaged from my kids for 17 years. When she visits she wants to be waited on, which drove me crazy when I was WFT with two toddlers.

My parents, OTOH, know everything about my kids, have invested significant physical and emotional time with them, and have always pitched in when they come to visit.

It’s like night and day. It’s interesting to see my now teenagers recognize how little investment my MIL...and BIL..have made in them. They love my husband but it hasn’t trickled down in the slightest to our kids or me.

Interesting side note: I have a family friend in his early 70s who has been a marriage counselor for 35 years. He said that most in-laws don’t ask the spouse any questions.

My goal is to do better for my kids.